[NF] When People DON'T Want Your Help

[musicnerd93]

Maybe I'm an unhealthy NF, but for some reason, I get offended when people don't want my help. I don't know if this is common among NF's or if it is just a personal, paranoia issue.

Anyway, a friend of mine has two young kids. One a newborn, the other about a year old. Anyone who has kids knows that this can be stressful. So, I offered to come over and baby-sit and/or run some errands for her if she needed me to. She politely declined.

Well, I later found out that one of our mutual friends was doing the same thing, after I had volunteered myself. I politely reminded her that I would still like to help in any way I could. To which she replied: "Oh, I thought you were joking." :steam: It sounds like a stupid reason to get mad, and maybe it is. But, for some reason, it pissed me off beyond belief. I mean, did she really think I was that narcissistic to actually be joking about wanting to help her out??

Also, I'm a senior in highschool, and we all know highschool is drama, drama, drama. Most of it involving a close friend of mine. When she escapes to the bathroom to cry and throw a tantrum I always ask if she would like a hug or if she wants to talk. She always says "No! Just go away! I don't want to talk to anyone!"

I know I shouldn't take it personally or be offended, but for some reason, I am.


Is this common among NFs? Feel free to share any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

 

[SecondBest]

I think you have a right to be pissed off in this situation. It may have been she didn't trust you to take care of her kids, but she did this other person but didn't want to tell you directly about it. I would fall into similar situations where I'd try to show interest in someone else's interests and that person would totally blow me off. Whatever, their loss.

Also, just getting hurt when people turn down your help I think is natural, especially for an NF, I mean, say you offered a thoughtful handmade gift to someone and they turned it down flat. That would hurt anyone's feelings. It's kind of the same thing when you offer help.

Also, we're INFPs, musicnerd. We're designed to be hurt by anything and everything.

 

[musicnerd93]

Also, we're INFPs, musicnerd. We're designed to be hurt by anything and everything.

lol. Yes. It's a gift and a curse.

 

[runvardh]

I typically don't bother unless they ask for it - less overbooking and more time for me.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

People could have a multitude of reasons for not accepting help. Refusing help isn't really a judgment. Sometimes you have multiple people asking if they can help with the same thing, sometimes you can handle something yourself, and, well, it could be anything. If you offered, that's great, but an offer of help should not turn into an obligation to accept help.

 

[KDude]

Hmm.. I might press a second time. "You sure?" But get mad? I'm not sure why. Helping has nothing to do with me, unless... it really does. Which is a scenario I can't imagine exactly.. but it's possible. I'm drawing a blank though.

Somebody not wanting a gift is bad.. but that's never happened, I think.

My grandmother (ISFJ) was a little beside herself in things like this. My dad sort of takes after her, but he's ESTJ (I mean, he's pretty F and reflects her a lot with the family.. just not outside).

 

[musicnerd93]

People could have a multitude of reasons for not accepting help. Refusing help isn't really a judgment. Sometimes you have multiple people asking if they can help with the same thing, sometimes you can handle something yourself, and, well, it could be anything. If you offered, that's great, but an offer of help should not turn into an obligation to accept help.

This is a good point. Thanks for the feedback.

Hmm.. I might press a second time. "You sure?" But get mad? I'm not sure why.

Another good point. Should've thought to ask. Oh, well...

Live and learn, my friends, live and learn.

 

[mochajava]

Also - there's a social thing around this too. You're supposed to act all self-sufficient. Most people I know are a little bit counter-dependent (opposite of co-dependent). I had a classmate who broke her foot while running. An older lady asked if she could give her a ride home. My classmate refused and CRAWLED all the way home!

So yes - their response to you has much more to do with what's going on with them than something you are or did.

 

[rowingineden]

I can get very hurt and annoyed, too (especially since my Enneagram 9 has a 1 wing), but have more and more quickly every time taken the attitude of, "Well, fine, crash and burn then. Tried to help you, and you wouldn't let me - you brought this on yourself."

The most agonizing examples of this have been in my romantic life - the attachment is just so intense and so rapid. It's very hard for me to let go in these situations, but I think I'm learning...

 

[Random Ness]

Yep, it's a common thing. It's like, if you don't depend on me, what's the point to us being friends?

 

[runvardh]

Yep, it's a common thing. It's like, if you don't depend on me, what's the point to us being friends?

I don't make friends based on what they can do for me. Half the close friends I have can't do much for me due to their resource base being much less than mine and they're two provinces away. However, when I get to spend time with them there are things I can do and things I can say that I can't around other people. I suppose you could say what they do for me is care about and appreciate, which is all I ask.

 

[Affably Evil]

Yep, it's a common thing. It's like, if you don't depend on me, what's the point to us being friends?

Call me selfish, but my needing help shouldn't be about you needing our friendship validated. I had a friend who, when I told her some private things while drunk, ended up explosively crying because I hadn't told her when I was going through it. Then I had to take care of her feelings, instead of trying to deal with mine.

I'm always ready to listen to friends and help them if they need it, but it feels oppressive when someone is trying to force-feed their help to you when you just need to bleed off some of the extra emotion or frustration with it. What someone does for me as a friend has much more to do with their willingness to listen and help me understand and articulate the problems for myself — less with trying to jump ahead to the solutions before they've shown that they've got a grip on what's going on just to try to erase the temporary hurt or frustration.

5w4, for what it's worth. Friendship for me is much more about trust, listening and steadfastness.

 

[EcK]

Then leave them be. It's not like there's a lack of "unfullfilled potential" in the world.

Also, maybe the 'helper' is just an annoying judgmental *bad bad word* to some extent or another.
ps: I wasn't talking about the author of the OP, which I didn't read.

 

[flameskull95]

Is this common among NFs? Feel free to share any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

I hear INFPs are bad at judging themselves so I'm not going to compare you to me, 'cause I probably do this shit too in other ways. And I've just found out that I'm a terrible self-judge.

But anyways, I'm pretty sure when you try to do the 'right' thing, you get rejected and not only do you feel hopeless(which INFPs hate, as they are such believers and dreamers). You feel as though the reject is getting in the way of your ideals(which are an INFP's catalysts to action), which are both practically the same thing but they are too different kinds of low for INFPs.

This may make you think that they're not doing the right thing. But it's actually what you're expecting that's not right. - It's the certain way we think they should respond, as in, we expect so much from ourselves that we actually carry that same thing onto other people.

I think both of you are wrong in this situation. She obviously is disregarding the people around her just 'cause she's 'stressed', but on the other side, you're probably making it worse for her, 'cause then she would have to kinda take 'care of you in a way, - if you get what I'm saying. Sometimes the right thing to do maybe isn't in helping other people directly but helping them help themselves.... if that makes sense to you.

But this may just be a huge assumption that I'm babbling on about, oh crap, don't judge me. lol. hahaha. :workout:

 

[Thalassa]

Maybe I'm an unhealthy NF, but for some reason, I get offended when people don't want my help. I don't know if this is common among NF's or if it is just a personal, paranoia issue.

Anyway, a friend of mine has two young kids. One a newborn, the other about a year old. Anyone who has kids knows that this can be stressful. So, I offered to come over and baby-sit and/or run some errands for her if she needed me to. She politely declined.

Well, I later found out that one of our mutual friends was doing the same thing, after I had volunteered myself. I politely reminded her that I would still like to help in any way I could. To which she replied: "Oh, I thought you were joking." :steam: It sounds like a stupid reason to get mad, and maybe it is. But, for some reason, it pissed me off beyond belief. I mean, did she really think I was that narcissistic to actually be joking about wanting to help her out??

Also, I'm a senior in highschool, and we all know highschool is drama, drama, drama. Most of it involving a close friend of mine. When she escapes to the bathroom to cry and throw a tantrum I always ask if she would like a hug or if she wants to talk. She always says "No! Just go away! I don't want to talk to anyone!"

I know I shouldn't take it personally or be offended, but for some reason, I am.


Is this common among NFs? Feel free to share any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

Sometimes people want to be left alone. As an INFP you should be able to relate.

Maybe there's some deep need in you to feel needed by someone and the best way to deal with that appropriately would be to volunteer somewhere where you're sure to be needed - like working with the homeless, or in an animal shelter, or doing beach clean-ups, etc.

 

[musicnerd93]

Sometimes people want to be left alone. As an INFP you should be able to relate.

Maybe there's some deep need in you to feel needed by someone and the best way to deal with that appropriately would be to volunteer somewhere where you're sure to be needed - like working with the homeless, or in an animal shelter, or doing beach clean-ups, etc.

You do have a point. ^ I certainly can relate.

 

[angell_m]

This is sooo mid 90's for me. I can't even remember how old I was back then. That side of me is long gone. Today I can totally understand why people don't want my help. And I've learned to wait for them to ask for my help. When they ask I let them do the work, I try to be modest, honest, and calm.

Back when I was younger I was likely to excess everything, so it sounded something like "No no no no, don't do that. For God's sake don't do that. If you do that the world will explode," which is really quite annoying.

Being an INFP and all, you'll self-reflect on this later, hahaha.

 

[garbage]

My friend's alternator was acting up. He was on the highway and headed home, and he was halfway afraid that if he idled, he'd be stranded. During our conversation, he sort of gave me a broad idea of where he was. I offered to help, and he didn't particularly reply one way or another. I drove down to the general area where he was and couldn't find him after a cursory look, so I turned back.

And, you know.. everything worked out well for him. He didn't get stranded, and he managed to get home and get his car checked out on his own. If he needed my help, he would have called me later on.

I did all that I could do. I'm not going to force myself on someone, and I'm not going to feel guilty about not being able to help.

I really don't know a damn thing about cars anyway; all I would have been able to do is give him a ride or jumpstart his car if his car died.

I'm willing to help when I'm capable of helping and when the other person expresses a need or accepts my offer for help. Often, I'm also not going to feel too enthusiastic about helping unless the other person shows that they're also working toward fixing their own problems.

Hmm.. I might press a second time. "You sure?"

I can definitely see this. Offering to help is sometimes seen as the "polite" thing to do. In turn, refusing the help is also seen as "polite." Asking "are you sure?" signals that you actually do want to help and that you won't feel burdened by doing so.

Pressing on after that? Yeah, not good.

Call me selfish, but my needing help shouldn't be about you needing our friendship validated. I had a friend who, when I told her some private things while drunk, ended up explosively crying because I hadn't told her when I was going through it. Then I had to take care of her feelings, instead of trying to deal with mine.

Wow, yeah

If someone continually "helps" me in a way that I don't actually need, it's not particularly helping me at all--at that point, I know it's more about the other person's needs than about mine.

 

[Afkan]

Maybe I'm an unhealthy NF, but for some reason, I get offended when people don't want my help. I don't know if this is common among NF's or if it is just a personal, paranoia issue.

Anyway, a friend of mine has two young kids. One a newborn, the other about a year old. Anyone who has kids knows that this can be stressful. So, I offered to come over and baby-sit and/or run some errands for her if she needed me to. She politely declined.

Well, I later found out that one of our mutual friends was doing the same thing, after I had volunteered myself. I politely reminded her that I would still like to help in any way I could. To which she replied: "Oh, I thought you were joking." :steam: It sounds like a stupid reason to get mad, and maybe it is. But, for some reason, it pissed me off beyond belief. I mean, did she really think I was that narcissistic to actually be joking about wanting to help her out??

Also, I'm a senior in highschool, and we all know highschool is drama, drama, drama. Most of it involving a close friend of mine. When she escapes to the bathroom to cry and throw a tantrum I always ask if she would like a hug or if she wants to talk. She always says "No! Just go away! I don't want to talk to anyone!"

I know I shouldn't take it personally or be offended, but for some reason, I am.


Is this common among NFs? Feel free to share any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

Hmmm......
No. Not for me, as a fellow NF. I am never hurt by this.
That's probably though bc I like others to respect my desire to help myself in turn.

However, I have a Q for you MusicNerd-
What if someone accepts your help time & time again, only for you to find, somewhere down the road, that they didn't really need all of that help? Would you resent it?
I ask bc of a specific situation in my life.

Also, to what pt do you begin to feel resentful when offering someone help- do you hope that help is reciprocated?

I actually have an infp friend who... well this is an issue btwn us. I think she may be offended when I offer her help.

And I accepted her help even when I didnt need it, bc I thought she needed to give it, only to find her frazzled & frustrated and I thought I was doing her a favor.

So we are still making an adjustment, but I'm too independent of a person to accept much help from others. Eek!