[ENFP] Ask an ENFP

[Crescent Fresh]

Have you ever cherish all of the precious, good memories of the person once in a blue moon who had doorslammed you?

 

[Starry]

Have you ever cherish all of the precious, good memories of the person once in a blue moon who had doorslammed you?

Huh?
I'm an ENFP that was doorslammed by an INFJ so I may have something to contribute to this...but I'm not quite sure what you are asking. Do I cherish the memories I have with someone that ended up believing shit about me that wasn't true and wasn't strong enough or honorable enough to admit they were totally in the wrong? No.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Huh?
I'm an ENFP that was doorslammed by an INFJ so I may have something to contribute to this...but I'm not quite sure what you are asking. Do I cherish the memories I have with someone that ended up believing shit about me that wasn't true and wasn't strong enough or honorable enough to admit they were totally in the wrong? No.

I know this may sound odd, but no matter how bad the outcome is (via door-slamming), I try to think about the good times that we both had (prior to the relationship turned sour). And by sour, I didn't mean it has to do with misunderstanding or conflicts. The one that I did doorslam has to do with his inconsistency of maintaining a decent amount of social contact and I felt cheated in that way. I am very selective when it comes to opening up to others, but this ENFP seems to hop from one to another once he felt he knows you too well inside-out.

It's weird, I know. However, sometimes, I do try to recall on the 'good times' that we had from the past while ignoring the 'bad' ending. But I do this really rarely.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

More questions:

1. Whenever you 'unintentionally' change our conversational topics by adding a new topic, do you feel guilty of doing so? (from my observation, they rarely feel guilty about this)


2. Most of you claim to see the best in everyone and that we're all equal; though it seems deep inside, you refuse to believe that as that will make you seem less unique. How would you explain about such contradiction?

 

[Starry]

I know this may sound odd, but no matter how bad the outcome is (via door-slamming), I try to think about the good times that we both had (prior to the relationship turned sour). And by sour, I didn't mean it has to do with misunderstanding or conflicts. The one that I did doorslam has to do with his inconsistency of maintaining a decent amount of social contact and I felt cheated in that way. I am very selective when it comes to opening up to others, but this ENFP seems to hop from one to another once he felt he knows you too well inside-out.

It's weird, I know. However, sometimes, I do try to recall on the 'good times' that we had from the past while ignoring the 'bad' ending. But I do this really rarely.

I think that what you wrote here is a product of being the doorslammer as oppose to the doorslamee. Like in the example you just gave with regards to your ENFP…did you consult with him? Did you discuss with him your concerns? How his behavior made you feel? Did you give him a chance to change his behavior? Or did you just make this decision on your own to shut him out of your life?

When you are shut-out in the way I was, without consultation or explanation, it does sorta leave you to question what was real and what wasn’t. Ruminating on the ‘good times’ seems kinda ridiculous to be honest. Did they even exist? How could they have existed in the way that I think they did if someone can treat you in this manner? No…they must not have existed. And so I will not think of them.

I think it might be easier to consider good memories when…while the story may have not ended the way you would have liked it to end…it still ended with you in total control.

Note though…that I have met so many wonderful INFJs on this site that do not use the doorslam in the way it was used on me. The INFJs on this site are some of the most beautiful people I will ever encounter in my lifetime.

 

[stalemate]

1 - I don't feel the least bit guilty because I see the "topic" as fluid and ever changing, not an external constraint. The topic isn't set, in my mind the whole idea of topic is just an observation of whatever is being discussed at the time. I often don't even realize I am "off topic" until someone complains.

2 - I don't see why people can't be unique and still all have good qualities and be equals. Why do you think "we" refuse to believe this "deep inside?"

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I think that what you wrote here is a product of being the doorslammer as oppose to the doorslamee. Like in the example you just gave with regards to your ENFP…did you consult with him? Did you discuss with him your concerns? How his behavior made you feel? Did you give him a chance to change his behavior? Or did you just make this decision on your own to shut him out of your life?

Yes, I did consult with him but he kept denying there's any issue. Unfortunately, I can truly sense that there's something bodering him but he's just trying to avoid. I can feel the cold distance which isn't the same as before (he never forgets any close friends' birthday, including mine, except for this year). He's also one of the most sensitive people that I know and I just felt he wouldn't want to confront it to me in order to not hurting my feelings (one of the common ENFP traits as well). Though there have been episodes when the situation is reversed, he tried hard to confront with me and wanting to know what bodered me. I just felt this is so unfair and I felt helpless to fix our relationship. And it took me nearly 4 months to doorslam him btw, so I've put enough consideration as I don't want to waste my time to invest on someone who has no intention of resolve a conflict.

When you are shut-out in the way I was, without consultation or explanation, it does sorta leave you to question what was real and what wasn’t. Ruminating on the ‘good times’ seems kinda ridiculous to be honest. Did they even exist? How could they have existed in the way that I think they did if someone can treat you in this manner? No…they must not have existed. And so I will not think of them.

Perhaps that's how he has planned? I really have no idea but it seems to me that's what he's been waiting for (he knew that I had doorslammed others in the past).

Note though…that I have met so many wonderful INFJs on this site that do not use the doorslam in the way it was used on me. The INFJs on this site are some of the most beautiful people I will ever encounter in my lifetime.

Same here. Actually that's the only bad experience I had with an ENFP. While others and I got along exceptionally fine. The problem is that we're all part of the same circle, so it just makes me harder to do this.

 

[Santosha]

Have you ever cherish all of the precious, good memories of the person once in a blue moon who had doorslammed you?

Ya. I always seem to focus in on the good times and forget the bad. I have to consciously make myself remember the bad. Its good in that I don't hold onto alot of pain or resentment towards others that many probably would hold onto. It's bad in that it can leave me a vulnerable sucker for punishment. I've even saved mean voicemails or letters, etc.. just to relive them and hold onto that anger enough to stay at bay.

 

[Starry]

Yes, I did consult with him but he kept denying there's any issue. Unfortunately, I can truly sense that there's something bodering him but he's just trying to avoid. I can feel the cold distance which isn't the same as before (he never forgets any close friends' birthday, including mine, except for this year). He's also one of the most sensitive people that I know and I just felt he wouldn't want to confront it to me in order to not hurting my feelings (one of the common ENFP traits as well). Though there have been episodes when the situation is reversed, he tried hard to confront with me and wanting to know what bodered me. I just felt this is so unfair and I felt helpless to fix our relationship. And it took me nearly 4 months to doorslam him btw, so I've put enough consideration as I don't want to waste my time to invest on someone who has no intention of resolve a conflict.



Perhaps that's how he has planned? I really have no idea but it seems to me that's what he's been waiting for (he knew that I had doorslammed others in the past).





Same here. Actually that's the only bad experience I had with an ENFP. While others and I got along exceptionally fine. The problem is that we're all part of the same circle, so it just makes me harder to do this.

I am running out the door but will return at a later time to give this the thoughtful answer it deserves. In the meantime...I can see that there are some awesome ENFPs looking at this thread...Hux, skylights, stalemate... I hope they are busy writing up some of their wisdom for you!!

 

[Santosha]

More questions:

1. Whenever you 'unintentionally' change our conversational topics by adding a new topic, do you feel guilty of doing so? (from my observation, they rarely feel guilty about this)

I don't. I look at all the potential information to be discovered or connected and see it as a value. I also try to read my audience, and If I keep pushing off with a new direction, but see everyone else is trying to zero in on one particular topic, I calm down with it. I do feel bad when a topic someone really wanted to get to the heart of becomes a superficial, social time. They ask questions and others babble on.. I try to redirect.

 

[skylights]

Have you ever cherish all of the precious, good memories of the person once in a blue moon who had doorslammed you?

i can still appreciate good times i had that included them, but i probably won't be appreciating the memory just because they were there. if someone decides to shut me out of their life, especially if i don't understand why, i probably will feel a certain "bitterness" attached to their memory... and i'll tend not to retain a major fondness for them beyond a very sort of idealistic nebulous love for humanity that happens to include them. i have also doorslammed exactly one person (with full disclosure as to why), and i don't really retain much fondness for her, either. i can appreciate her as a person - she has some fun and beautiful qualities - and i can appreciate the memories we had together (riding the bus, homeroom, hanging out), but i don't really appreciate her on a warm fuzzy level anymore. i think that's true for people who have doorslammed me too. the warm fuzzy dissipates.

More questions:

1. Whenever you 'unintentionally' change our conversational topics by adding a new topic, do you feel guilty of doing so? (from my observation, they rarely feel guilty about this)

a lot of times i don't really see where one topic ends and the next begins...

without thought as to how a Fe user would tend to follow me, and not assert what they want to talk about, i don't feel any guilt. in threads with mostly FPs i just blab about whatever and change the subject as much as i want, because i know if they want to talk about something, they'll just talk about it. or they'll tell everyone they want to talk about it.

i've learned to be more careful with Fe users and i do feel bad if i direct the conversation away from what they want to talk about... though in general, i wish they would just be more clear about what they want to talk about - and why, especially in the case of NFJs. FPs tend to be really up front about the reasons we're doing things, and often FJs, especially NFJs, are not so clear - it makes me nervous and impatient.

from my point of view, it's a little hard to understand why we should stay "on topic" (ie, restrict ourselves to only certain ideas or ways of expression) if a new, more important topic presents itself within the context of conversation. i get why you might want to start a new thread, but at the same time, then you lose the conversational momentum and already-engaged audience. the other thing about ENFPs is that we tend to wrap back around to the central point after a bit of tangential conversation. because it's really all wrapping back to the initial point - but that's hard for others to see because you're not inside our heads with us. so if you're a little patient with us, you can see how things work in our heads - when everything is a circle, you'll eventually end up back where you started.

2. Most of you claim to see the best in everyone and that we're all equal; though it seems deep inside, you refuse to believe that as that will make you seem less unique. How would you explain about such contradiction?

we're all special little snowflakes and we're all wonderful and we're all equal... i see no contradiction.

i think that's more of an enneagram 4 hangup than an ENFP hangup.

Perhaps that's how he has planned? I really have no idea but it seems to me that's what he's been waiting for (he knew that I had doorslammed others in the past).

sorry about your situation with your friend. i doubt this though. we don't tend to plan when it comes to other people and relationships. that's a Fe thing.

 

[Starry]

Yes, I did consult with him but he kept denying there's any issue. Unfortunately, I can truly sense that there's something bodering him but he's just trying to avoid. I can feel the cold distance which isn't the same as before (he never forgets any close friends' birthday, including mine, except for this year). He's also one of the most sensitive people that I know and I just felt he wouldn't want to confront it to me in order to not hurting my feelings (one of the common ENFP traits as well). Though there have been episodes when the situation is reversed, he tried hard to confront with me and wanting to know what bodered me. I just felt this is so unfair and I felt helpless to fix our relationship. And it took me nearly 4 months to doorslam him btw, so I've put enough consideration as I don't want to waste my time to invest on someone who has no intention of resolve a conflict.

Everything you wrote above and before with regards to your friend screams ENFP e7 to me.

As always, I do not speak for all ENFPs, however, I have come to my own conclusion that, for the most part, ENFPs do not have a difficult time accessing their emotions…and/or knowing/understanding what they feel when they feel it. It is like what they say in those cheesy ENFP descriptions – that ‘ENFPs wear their hearts on their sleeve’. Thus the challenge is not identifying the feelings and connecting them to their cause, etc. like it may be for individuals of other types. The challenge is being able to identify when you are ignoring, denying, rejecting…those feelings in favor of ‘keeping everything and everyone (primarily self) happy’. And it is here where I think ENFPness takes a back-seat to Enneagram…namely Enneagram 7.

e7s can be a tough nut to crack when they are in denial mode…insisting on ‘everything is happy and fun and there are no problems in the world’. It is weird I know. It is like the person is in a trance! (I have been this way myself). And I know this is what it looks like to an outsider. It is like you know something is wrong…but the person is responding…’no nothing’s wrong! everything’s perfect!’. What I have found, however, is that you can get them to snap-out of it and connect with you like a normal person…but depending on the 7 this may or may not be a daunting task. And for some it may just be best to give-up on them.

Ultimately, I have no idea whether or not your ENFP is an e7. But if you are interested in understanding your situation a little bit better…maybe just check-out a description of an e7w6 so/sx.

 

[Starry]

i can still appreciate good times i had that included them, but i probably won't be appreciating the memory just because they were there. if someone decides to shut me out of their life, especially if i don't understand why, i probably will feel a certain "bitterness" attached to their memory... and i'll tend not to retain a major fondness for them beyond a very sort of idealistic nebulous love for humanity that happens to include them. i have also doorslammed exactly one person (with full disclosure as to why), and i don't really retain much fondness for her, either. i can appreciate her as a person - she has some fun and beautiful qualities - and i can appreciate the memories we had together (riding the bus, homeroom, hanging out), but i don't really appreciate her on a warm fuzzy level anymore. i think that's true for people who have doorslammed me too. the warm fuzzy dissipates.

skylights did a better job at capturing my own feelings on this matter than I did!

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Thanks StarryKnights and Skylights for sharing your insights with me on this.

I think Fi can sometimes make us to become too paranoid when we "assume" things didn't work on our ways. I think for INFJs, since we can become a bit clingy on those who we truly care for (as we can be quite picky on investing our time on others), we always want to make sure that there's no hidden conflicts between our loved ones. And as soon as we detect there is one, we wanted to have a full closure for solving it immediately (this often cause more misunderstanding with others as well).

Once again, I really appreciate with such in-depth explanation to my questions.



Another one: I know it's very hard for ENFPs to take criticisms and they tend to take it very personally. But I felt even for constructive criticism, they tend to not take it easily as well. For example, I once told him that it makes him look pretty bad if he choose to reply on almost all the threads on one single page (he was being hyper mode back then). He then refuted me by asking me if I've "considered" his feelings by asking such question as he's just trying to be friendly. At that point I just gave up. I was honestly trying to offer him a sound advice but he took it way too personally (well, it has to do with maturity as well).

So my question is: is it better not to offer any advice to you unless you're asking for it? Because that's exactly what he told me to do it for him.

 

[kyuuei]

Another one: I know it's very hard for ENFPs to take criticisms and they tend to take it very personally. But I felt even for constructive criticism, they tend to not take it easily as well. For example, I once told him that it makes him look pretty bad if he choose to reply on almost all the threads on one single page (he was being hyper mode back then). He then refuted me by asking me if I've "considered" his feelings by asking such question as he's just trying to be friendly. At that point I just gave up. I was honestly trying to offer him a sound advice but he took it way too personally (well, it has to do with maturity as well).

Maturity has a lot to do with this.. but still, it hurts. I don't pretend it doesn't. I let things get to my head easily... being slammed back into the ground--well. With the clouds I hang around, it's a far drop to the ground. And it hurts, even if I pretend it doesn't. No one likes that sort of thing.. But I do recognize it is important and genuinely helpful. I think that two things make me snap quick:
1. When it tries to invalidate something I say or do..
or
2. When it implies that I 'should be' one way or the other, instead of letting me be myself. I'm very .. "let people think how they want".. so when someone tells me "You know, they wouldn't spread rumors about you if you just stopped x." I would get frustrated and say, "Why does what I do matter to others?! I don't talk about x or y that they do. I don't care." It is an idealistic way of being, I admit, but I cannot help but be that way even if I never get it back.

When it comes to offering advice.. find the nicest way possible to put it. In a way that makes it sound like "You know you really got the point across when you said it like this.." or "Can you explan this to me? I don't think I understood it.. Oh I see. I guess this format you wrote it in confused me is all.. I liked it when you wrote it like x." I know it sounds almost childish to do things that way but... ENFPs are sorta like big kids.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

When it comes to offering advice.. find the nicest way possible to put it. In a way that makes it sound like "You know you really got the point across when you said it like this.." or "Can you explan this to me? I don't think I understood it.. Oh I see. I guess this format you wrote it in confused me is all.. I liked it when you wrote it like x." I know it sounds almost childish to do things that way but... ENFPs are sorta like big kids.

I'm glad that you reminded me that ENFPs often have a childlike attitude. I suppose the best way for me to approach them when giving advice is to constantly remind ourselves not to hurt their ego, like most parents do it on their kids.

Seriously though, I think one of the biggest clash between ENFP and INJF is that we tend to have a 'mothering' nature, and our contention is just for nurturing them. But with our 'Js' things can get tricky sometimes as it might sound harsh to them (for being too direct).

Thanks for your input on this matter!

 

[Starry]

Another one: I know it's very hard for ENFPs to take criticisms and they tend to take it very personally. But I felt even for constructive criticism, they tend to not take it easily as well. For example, I once told him that it makes him look pretty bad if he choose to reply on almost all the threads on one single page (he was being hyper mode back then). He then refuted me by asking me if I've "considered" his feelings by asking such question as he's just trying to be friendly. At that point I just gave up. I was honestly trying to offer him a sound advice but he took it way too personally (well, it has to do with maturity as well).

So my question is: is it better not to offer any advice to you unless you're asking for it? Because that's exactly what he told me to do it for him.

I like your questions. They help me think about things in my own life.

I am not sure I fully understand the criticism of your ENFP in your 'hyper mode' example. Where you concerned with the fact that he was posting too much on a forum and you felt this made him look over zealous to others? As in you were concerned about his image or how he was presenting himself? Or was this symbolic about how you were feeling with regards to the relationship in general? Like he was spending too much time doing something other than being with you? I'm not quite sure.

What I can tell you is that yes, a lot of ENFPs do not handle criticism well. I think this, possibly, stems from a few different things. One of them being...that many ENFPs have been criticized THEIR ENTIRE LIVES for merely being themselves. Too late, too happy, too fast, too excited, too revealing, too friendly, too funny…and on and on and on. Seriously. I challenge anyone to challenge me here. Being born ENFP in a world…yah I’ll say it…an SJ world where there are time limits and rules and regulations and appropriate ways to behave in a social structure that goes completely against your ways of behaving…is not the easiest of fates. Sometimes all we want is for someone to just let us be us! Lighten-up people! Who am I hurting by posting once, twice or a thousand times? Please tell me?

ENFPs are also so accepting of other people’s behavior. Like if I actually even noticed that a friend of mine was posting on every single thread I would just be like…’looks like someone’s a little post-happy these days.’ And then I would probably never consider it again. I feel we are more likely to have a ‘live and let live as long as it isn’t hurting anyone’ kind of attitude. So when someone comes and criticizes you over something that is harmless it is like…’dude…aren’t there people starving in Africa?’

But again…I am not so sure I fully understand your story. Hopefully you can elaborate. When someone has a criticism of me it is probably best to just come out and say it (no sugar-coating). But if it doesn’t involve something fairly serious in nature…like I am unwittingly hurting someone else with my behavior…or am TOTALLY embarrassing myself and don’t realize it (keyword totally)…then I probably won’t be very responsive to it. It will just be like every other criticism I have received due to ENFPness.

 

[guesswho]

Dear ENFPs,

Is Elfboy ENFP?

 

[rav3n]

ENFPs,

Would this be an accurate description of how ENFPs eat muffins?

ENFP picks up a muffin, takes a bite, grabs another muffin, takes a bite, grabs another muffin, takes a bite. Then in remorse, tries to glue together all three muffins, creating something that looks like a monster. Gets scared, drops mutant muffin and runs away.

 

[Starry]

Dear ENFPs,

Is Elfboy ENFP?

No.