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[INFJ] Hate an INFJ? Tell us why!

INFJs are...

  • Awesome!

    Votes: 56 65.9%
  • okay I guess...whats so special about them...?

    Votes: 29 34.1%

  • Total voters
    85

Aquarelle

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For me, I don't mean an argument so much as a misunderstanding, where there is some communication glitch and you don't feel like you understood them completely and viceversa.

Although occasionally I bring things up like, for a long time I couldn't reach my mother by email except without prodding, and she would tell me she didn't have time to write because she was so busy reading my cousin Bobbie's emails. So at some point down the road, she asked why I didn't write more, and I said Oh, are you finished with Bobbie now? or some meowey such thing, and my mother paused a minute and said, "I haven't talked to Bobbie in two years." And I was like, So? Two minutes, two days, two years, it's all the same to me.

Haha, I like that story. And I can totally relate. I do the long-memory thing too... whether it's an offhand comment someone made that struck me a certain way, either positively or negatively, or a miscommunication, or an argument, I'll remember it. I can usually let it go, but I'll definitely remember.
 

Zarathustra

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All of the above things CAN be true of an INFJ, particularly in we younger ones. I don't find them to ALL be true in most INFJ's, even in we younger ones. Of all those above, the one I most relate to from my younger years would be the "woe-is-me" pity party thing. I did that a lot earlier in life until I realized what a self defeating attitude it was. It's also a self fulfilling prophecy. My opinion has always been that INFJ, because of their nature, are on of the types that can really change a lot from youth to full grown adulthood. I spend a lot of time on the INFJ forum and that really sticks out for me. I realize how much I used to be like the younger ones, and how different I now am. And DJAchtundvierzig is right, who wouldn't want to be an INFJ? ;)

No offense, as I appreciate the candor, but I'm gunna have to call "blind spot" on this one...

I'm not saying all INFJs must manifest all of these negative qualities (passive-aggressive, high-and-mighty, woe-is-me, judgmental) at all times, but I do believe, based on my interaction with many of them on this forum, that a lot of them do tend to exhibit a lot of this behavior a lot of the time.

Granted, they may be relatively young and immature...

But, the reason I'm calling blind spot, is that none of them seem to have much idea that they're acting out these behaviors.

They seem to think that they're judgmentalness, which really is the root of all the other behaviors, is absolutely rightful and justified.

Hence, the blind spot...

Cuz it's not...
 

priestessofmars

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Ok..well the things that bug me the most are:

* passive-aggressive, especially in a snipy way. I actually use it myself when I get defensive with someone I feel uncomfortable with, but I very much try to avoid it as I find it to be the equivalent to cutting someone with a scalpel, just without the anaesthetics.

* The high-and-mighty thing. I get that that's Ni for ya, and I love Ni normally, but there's something about the NiFe combo that just irks me. It's that whole 'This is the way it is/should be and you're an idiot for not seeing it or unworthy for not living up to that standard'. I know INTJs are prone to the same thing especially when it comes to work standards, but somehow I can smile better at that (I'm allergic to guilttripping Fe, so that might be it)

* The martyr-thing. The 'Woe, me, I'm so tough for bearing this burden while nobody cares.' Not everyone is gifted in seeing that you need help. You have a mouth, you're not a child, ASK! Do NOT guilttrip.

* Judgemental. Someone who doesn't live up to your standards and has a different pov somehow has to prove their worth to you 10 times before you'll even consider them potentially interesting, or so it feels, at times.


Note: I'm aware that due to my own perspective and my limited sample pool of INFJs, this is bound to be somewhat subjective and biased. And it clearly mostly applies to the more..immature ones still. Hope this was what you were looking for :)

It seems that a lot of this thread has gone off from this post so I thought I'd reply to this one :)


*passive aggressiveness: I can definitely be passive aggressive but I feel like this is really because I hate confrontation and 99% of the time I didn't (consciously) start the conflict, and if the other person keeps on being confrontational.. well I'm just not an aggressive person. At all. I have no interest in fighting or arguing. I'd rather talk out a problem quietly and rationally. So my last defense is bitter passive aggressiveness. I don't like it either, I'd much rather get away from the situation til everyone involved can cool down and talk it out later.


*judgemental: this is the one I have a bit of a problem with. I think anyone can be extremely judgemental if they're not compassionate. I think one of the biggest things society is lacking is compassion, most people just don't learn it growing up in this world. I think INFJs are the type that is most capable of compassion, they're pretty much born bleeding it. If the person grows up to be unhealthy this can turn into the "high & mighty/martyr" thing (i definitely had alot of self-pity in my ignorant teenager days) but if the INFJ is balanced & healthy they would be wonderfully compassionate and judgementalness would be out of the question.
Not trying to make myself out to be perfect or something. But I'm totally turned off by judgemental people and I think most healthy INFJs would be also.
 

Zarathustra

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It seems that a lot of this thread has gone off from this post so I thought I'd reply to this one :)

Word.

Amar, you threw down the gauntlet...

*passive aggressiveness: I can definitely be passive aggressive but I feel like this is really because I hate confrontation and 99% of the time I didn't (consciously) start the conflict, and if the other person keeps on being confrontational.. well I'm just not an aggressive person. At all. I have no interest in fighting or arguing. I'd rather talk out a problem quietly and rationally. So my last defense is bitter passive aggressiveness. I don't like it either, I'd much rather get away from the situation til everyone involved can cool down and talk it out later.

Yeah, I see exactly how it works out in your mind.

My mother is an Fe-dom, and she does the exact same thing.

That doesn't make it any less despicable, or create any less conflict...

*judgemental: this is the one I have a bit of a problem with. I think anyone can be extremely judgemental if they're not compassionate. I think one of the biggest things society is lacking is compassion, most people just don't learn it growing up in this world. I think INFJs are the type that is most capable of compassion, they're pretty much born bleeding it. If the person grows up to be unhealthy this can turn into the "high & mighty/martyr" thing (i definitely had alot of self-pity in my ignorant teenager days) but if the INFJ is balanced & healthy they would be wonderfully compassionate and judgementalness would be out of the question.

Like I said: :jesus: or
hitler.gif
.

Not trying to make myself out to be perfect or something. But I'm totally turned off by judgemental people and I think most healthy INFJs would be also.

Until they agree on a judgment about someone...
 

DJAchtundvierzig

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No offense, as I appreciate the candor, but I'm gunna have to call "blind spot" on this one...

I'm not saying all INFJs must manifest all of these negative qualities (passive-aggressive, high-and-mighty, woe-is-me, judgmental) at all times, but I do believe, based on my interaction with many of them on this forum, that a lot of them do tend to exhibit a lot of this behavior a lot of the time.

Granted, they may be relatively young and immature...

But, the reason I'm calling blind spot, is that none of them seem to have much idea that they're acting out these behaviors.

They seem to think that they're judgmentalness, which really is the root of all the other behaviors, is absolutely rightful and justified.

Hence, the blind spot...

Cuz it's not...

I think the blind spot only applys to the INFJ that suffers from the high and mighty feeling. But I think for most INFJs we realize that we are like this, if at all.
 

Aquarelle

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*passive aggressiveness: I can definitely be passive aggressive but I feel like this is really because I hate confrontation and 99% of the time I didn't (consciously) start the conflict, and if the other person keeps on being confrontational.. well I'm just not an aggressive person. At all. I have no interest in fighting or arguing. I'd rather talk out a problem quietly and rationally. So my last defense is bitter passive aggressiveness. I don't like it either, I'd much rather get away from the situation til everyone involved can cool down and talk it out later.

Yeah, I see exactly how it works out in your mind.

My mother is an Fe-dom, and she does the exact same thing.

That doesn't make it any less despicable, or create any less conflict...

I'm not a fan of passive-agressiveness either, but I really don't think it's any worse than plain ol' aggressiveness. Any kind of negatively aggressive behavior is distasteful, and to vilify passive-agressiveness in an outright aggressive manner is... well, it's funny. I'm seriously chuckling right now. Just seems like a very artificial distinction to me. :shrug:
 

DJAchtundvierzig

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I'm not a fan of passive-agressiveness either, but I really don't think it's any worse than plain ol' aggressiveness. Any kind of negatively aggressive behavior is distasteful, and to vilify passive-agressiveness in an outright aggressive manner is... well, it's funny. I'm seriously chuckling right now. Just seems like a very artificial distinction to me. :shrug:

:yes: Yeah I have to agree with you on that one, but I'm an INFJ, so I see things similar to you. Maybe it's because us INFJs never really forget things that are bothering us, so it's like that issue is always in the present. As to someone else it may be lost in the past and forgotten about, so they think we are the bad guy for bringing it up again. Does that make much sense?
 

Aquarelle

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:yes: Yeah I have to agree with you on that one, but I'm an INFJ, so I see things similar to you. Maybe it's because us INFJs never really forget things that are bothering us, so it's like that issue is always in the present. As to someone else it may be lost in the past and forgotten about, so they think we are the bad guy for bringing it up again. Does that make much sense?

Oh yeah, I know we do that. Bringing up old things, I mean... I try not to do it, but sometimes if it bothers me enough I have to. I was thinking the type of passive aggressive behavior that is more like saying something nasty to/about someone, only in a kind of half-veiled way. EDIT: I believe the correct term is "Ambiguity."
 

DJAchtundvierzig

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Oh yeah, I know we do that. Bringing up old things, I mean... I try not to do it, but sometimes if it bothers me enough I have to. I was thinking the type of passive aggressive behavior that is more like saying something nasty to/about someone, only in a kind of half-veiled way.

Oh, I see, I was going a bit off topic. :offtopic:
But Yeah, I still do agree with you.
 

chelsea

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Oh yeah, I know we do that. Bringing up old things, I mean... I try not to do it, but sometimes if it bothers me enough I have to. I was thinking the type of passive aggressive behavior that is more like saying something nasty to/about someone, only in a kind of half-veiled way.

I don't know if this is an infj thing or not, but it's very important to me that things be settled. If an issue wasn't settled or if I feel unsettled about it, I definitely don't forget it and will probably bring it up down the road.
 

Aquarelle

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Oh, I see, I was going a bit off topic. :offtopic:
But Yeah, I still do agree with you.

Hehe I love that emoticon. And I love that you applied it to yourself!. :D

But I don't think your post was off topic. The thread is about annoying things INFJs do, and holding grudges/bringing up old arguments is one of those things.
 

chelsea

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I'm not a fan of passive-agressiveness either, but I really don't think it's any worse than plain ol' aggressiveness. Any kind of negatively aggressive behavior is distasteful, and to vilify passive-agressiveness in an outright aggressive manner is... well, it's funny. I'm seriously chuckling right now. Just seems like a very artificial distinction to me. :shrug:

I agree with this completely. Although I'd say I'm more often direct than passive-aggressive, I can be passive-aggressive from time to time. I think anyone that dislikes conflict but has strong feelings/beliefs/opinions, may be more prone to passive-aggressiveness.
 

Zarathustra

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I'm not a fan of passive-agressiveness either, but I really don't think it's any worse than plain ol' aggressiveness. Any kind of negatively aggressive behavior is distasteful, and to vilify passive-agressiveness in an outright aggressive manner is... well, it's funny. I'm seriously chuckling right now. Just seems like a very artificial distinction to me. :shrug:

Funny how you "aren't a fan of passive-aggressiveness", yet you display it in your post...

The reason why I "vilify" it more than just aggressiveness is that it's dishonest -- it tries to act like it's not being aggressive, when, really, it is.

Also, I hate the fact that the person who usually commits passive-aggressive behavior will say things like "oh, I hate conflict" and "I just want things to be settled", yet they always seem to want to get the(ir) last word in, generally with a passive aggressive snipe. In reality, they want things to be "settled" according to their perspective/judgment on the matter, and passive-aggressiveness is their preferred tactic for trying to make this come about.
 

chelsea

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^There's really no use arguing with someone who doesn't want to see anyone's perspective but their own...
 

Aquarelle

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Funny how you aren't a fan of passive-aggressiveness, yet you display it in your post...

The reason why I "vilify" it more than just aggressiveness is that it's dishonest -- it tries to act like it's not being aggressive, when, really, it is.

Also, I hate the fact that the person who usually commits passive-aggressive behavior will say things like "oh, I hate conflict" and "I just want things to be settled", yet they always seem to want to get the(ir) last word in, generally with a passive aggressive snipe. In reality, they want things to be "settled" according to their perspective/judgment on the matter, and passive-aggressiveness is their preferred tactic for trying to make this happen.
I'm not saying I'm never guilty of passive-aggressiveness. I just said I don't like it... from what I understand, it is healthy to recognize one's own faults, yes?

But honestly, I didn't think my post was passive aggressive. I thought it was a pretty obvious and direct response to you. I wasn't trying to get the last word in... in fact it was my first word! Just throwing in my 2 cents. :shrug: What to you reads as passive aggressive?
 

chelsea

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Also, I hate the fact that the person who usually commits passive-aggressive behavior will say things like "oh, I hate conflict" and "I just want things to be settled", yet they always seem to want to get the(ir) last word in, generally with a passive aggressive snipe. In reality, they want things to be "settled" according to their perspective/judgment on the matter, and passive-aggressiveness is their preferred tactic for trying to make this come about.

I just wrote how important it was to me to have things settled and having things settled according to my perspective is not what's important to me. Again, it doesn't seem you're interested in learning about a type you don't understand you just want to complain and make incorrect assumptions.
 
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