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  1. #1
    Junior Member TheVintageSparrow's Avatar
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    Default Trouble with an ESFJ

    So I'm having problems with this ESFJ. She's very controlling, manipulative, and immature. She really can't see beyond herself and what she wants. Advice on how to handle it?
    As a musician, I guess the only thing I would ask from a listener is to put the CD in, close your eyes, and forget about all the peripherals. I guess that's a dream that may not happen in my lifetime, but I listen to music from all sorts of people and I think there is an open-minded individual who will be able to listen to music of all types.
    -Jon Foreman

  2. #2
    Member 1.000.000's Avatar
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    Have you talked to her about it? If no, then give it a shot and see if she's willing to change. If that doesn't work, cut her off.
    "Wait, time out. I just wanted to ask real quick, if I can. You believe in rebellion, freedom and love, right? "

    You! Yes, you there! What's on your mind when you're just walking along not thinking about anything?

  3. #3
    Junior Member TheVintageSparrow's Avatar
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    I have talked to her about it. I should probably provide some background information.

    This whole problem stems from her seriously mistreating a mutual friend of ours over a something beyond her control. I gently confronted her about it and she went crazy. I mean I have never seen anyone so worked up. I know the background story, who's involved, what's happened, and both sides to the story. I'm definitely open to the fact I'm missing something, but so far it seems I'm on target.

    Is there anyway to diffuse her? I let her go on this long rant, and eventually let her just go on and on over the phone to get it out of her system (which seemed to help. I didn't say a word of disagreement, just listened.) She is 100% convinced she's right in this when anyone with sense can tell she's way off. How can I approach her in a way to help her see from a point of view besides her own?
    As a musician, I guess the only thing I would ask from a listener is to put the CD in, close your eyes, and forget about all the peripherals. I guess that's a dream that may not happen in my lifetime, but I listen to music from all sorts of people and I think there is an open-minded individual who will be able to listen to music of all types.
    -Jon Foreman

  4. #4
    Member 1.000.000's Avatar
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    You can't. I'm trying to think of a way to explain this other than it just doesn't work, but I'm drawing a blank. I'll try anyway.

    I know it's tempting to think that you can make her see the error of her ways by explaining it all out to her the way you see it, but life's not that perfect by a long shot. I've fallen into this trap before, where you think common sense will prevail and everything'll be back to normal. It doesn't work like that though. If she's so wrapped up in herself to where you yourself are saying she's blind to everyone else then it's going to take a bigger kick in the ass than anything you'll be able to give. This is the kind of stuff that takes waking up and having no one to cry to, to fix, not just advice from a friend.

    I feel like I've missed the mark somewhere in there, but that's my reasoning behind cutting her off. You can try, but it's probably going to drain you to the point where you'll end up cutting her off anyway. The best solution is to move on with your life and hope she comes around.

    Edit: That being said, you should still be willing to hash it out with her if she's willing to talk about it. Be firm though and make sure she understands why you're upset with her.
    Last edited by 1.000.000; 08-16-2010 at 10:42 PM. Reason: Being reasonable.
    "Wait, time out. I just wanted to ask real quick, if I can. You believe in rebellion, freedom and love, right? "

    You! Yes, you there! What's on your mind when you're just walking along not thinking about anything?

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1.000.000 View Post
    I know it's tempting to think that you can make her see the error of her ways by explaining it all out to her the way you see it, but life's not that perfect by a long shot. I've fallen into this trap before, where you think common sense will prevail and everything'll be back to normal. It doesn't work like that though. If she's so wrapped up in herself to where you yourself are saying she's blind to everyone else then it's going to take a bigger kick in the ass than anything you'll be able to give. This is the kind of stuff that takes waking up and having no one to cry to, to fix, not just advice from a friend.
    Good God, this is incredibly well put. 1.000.000 is 1,000,000 times right. It takes A LOT to change a person, just as it takes a LOT to change yourself. Especially in the case of an ESFJ, whom in my experience, are prone to being dishonest with themselves and others, just to preserve the status quo.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I don't think this is normal ESFJ behavior. My husband is an ESFJ (or possibly ENFJ), and he is extremely mature as far as getting along with people and working through conflict. She sounds very emotionally unhealthy. Some people just need to be avoided as much as possible, because they will suck you into their unhealthiness.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Penguin boy's Avatar
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    I am an ESFJ. When I have problems, I often share it with whoever listens to me and agrees with me most. I think it's normal with all people. However, I am well aware that over time you can't just let it be. I've run into problems before and I realize that my closest friends often just let me rant then show me the other side of it. It works. But you gotta do it when I'm not pissed off too much. Well say it. I'm sure she'll think about it after she's so pissed off. I never forget my friend's advice but it's up to me to implement them or not.

  8. #8
    Junior Member TheVintageSparrow's Avatar
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    There's some very well put posts here. I'm gonna give it some time, see if she calms down from her state of frothing and the mouth, and see if she'll let me gently present the other side. If not, guess I'll have to move on.
    As a musician, I guess the only thing I would ask from a listener is to put the CD in, close your eyes, and forget about all the peripherals. I guess that's a dream that may not happen in my lifetime, but I listen to music from all sorts of people and I think there is an open-minded individual who will be able to listen to music of all types.
    -Jon Foreman

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