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  1. #31
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    i'm uncomfortable with eye gazing
    if i'm not hot for him i'll get frustrated
    if i like him, then i'll probably make it
    easier to stare. if it's not mutual, it's
    bound to be uncomfortable, no?

    i fall in lust with people i don't know...
    all the time...not love though.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  2. #32
    Epiphany
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    I always look people in the eyes when I'm talking to them and prefer it if they look into mine when speaking to me. I think there is a difference between making eye contact and gazing into someone's eyes and I'm sure that both people can feel that difference. There is a moment when you're looking into someone's eyes who you're attracted to and that desire is understood deeper than words could explain.

  3. #33
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    Actually I think the average INFP male would be delighted to hear those words from a woman he's into.
    Decided. Then I shall keep it in my arsenal to use when the need arises for its use. He does actually act like a fool sometimes (in an endearing way), although not intentionally. I just don't want to hurt his feeling, you know,, given infps known sensitive feelings. So it's nice to hear otherwise. Even though I probably won't choose to use those exact words.

  4. #34
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Onceajoan View Post
    Decided. Then I shall keep it in my arsenal to use when the need arises for its use. He does actually act like a fool sometimes (in an endearing way), although not intentionally. I just don't want to hurt his feeling, you know,, given infps known sensitive feelings. So it's nice to hear otherwise. Even though I probably won't choose to use those exact words.
    you could just kiss him...no reason to say anything is there?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #35
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    I think it's the fusion of imagination and reality. Specifically, idealizing people and having my ideal crash and burn when I see them for who they really are. That's what's devastating to me.
    That makes sense. Sounds tragic. I think that's one of the most challenging parts about human relationships is seeing someone for who they are rather than what we want them to be. I've done this a few times only to realize it much later. We all live in our own movie where we are the star. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. With this guy Ive been thinking about "what I want from him" as an exercise in gaining clarity. I've had some problems lately and was wondering if I'm looking to him to be a knight in shining armour because I'm pretty vulnerable right now. I have concluded that I don't think so. My boundaries are strong enough for me to realize that I'm responsible for resolving my own problems and life dilemmas. Although, he has commented on the fact that I don't feel comfortable with the idea of others taking care of me. Idk- it felt weird coming from him - almost like he wants to take care of me. I'm probably reading too much into this statement. I just don't want him to feel he needs to rescue me or have me rescue him. My "Joan of Arc" days are over with (hence the inspiration for the name). I just want to be with him and spend time with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    LOL. There's no truth hiding in my end. Just trying to be as accurate and as helpful as possible with what I'm saying.
    You forgot to say accurate (and diplomatic) and helpful. That's more accurate.

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    LOL. Fair enough. Though arbitrary elitist wouldn't be the phrase I'd use.
    Well that's because you don't tease others in the cruel manner I do. All INFPs are gentlemanly and cultured. But I'm afraid that suggests ean elitist attitude as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    How about romantically cautious?
    That sounds reasonable.

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    And what you call "nebulous basis for selection," I call "divine suggestion."
    Hmmm. What is divine suggestion? I'm unfamiliar with the term and there seems to be no internet reference for it. Help me out.

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    Also, when I said "IF" it was a more a matter of stating the obvious because why would I go through the trouble of being slow and subtle and stuff if I don't even like the girl?
    Yeah. Stating the obvious here. But the problem is when the girl of interest doesn't pick up on your subtlties and fools herself into believing its her imagination. Also, is slow and subtle always the right approach for an INFP to take? Could you live with yourself if you were slow and subtle only to lose the girl because she became bored or lost her interest out of frustration? Even though you thought she was the one, would you live without regrets because part was meant to be as part of the "slow and subtle" approach? Would she turn out to be not be the one (or ideal) because she lost interest or misunderstood you? Do you ever question where you adopt "slow and subtle" because it's safer rather than because of its effectiveness?

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    There is no test. Just going with the flow, feeling the chemistry, and trusting my instincts.
    Okay. Maybe I am getting a little aggressive here - but I disagree. There's always a test. Not necessarily in a manipulative or calculated way. But I think people have wants (desires) and needs that are evident to themselves (sometimes unconsciously)and they look to others to fullfill some of these needs and desires. It may be argued that this is purely selfish. Love is suppose to be about giving of oneself freely without expectations of return. But I don't really think that happens much. When seeking a partner or lover, people generally look to find someone who fits their ideal. This is a test. If it wasn't a test no one would ever flunk. I agree about chemistry. Although it's hard to define, I think it means something for me too. In most any serious relationship, of course, there's a leap of faith because you can never really know a person, know you can truly trust them not to hurt you (you might think so, but not know). So you trust your instincts. So. I pretty much agree except for the "testing" part. I would even argue that INFPs test more than others because they're more idealistic and picky. Of course, I can't speak for you. I'm just responding to you as I think an INFP would behave. But I know it's not really fair to you. Please forgive me and don't take my comments too seriously since I'm talking on the fly and don't know what I'm talking about.

    Is slow and subtle always the right approach? Could you live with yourself if you were slow and subtle only to lose the girl because she became bored or lost her interest. Even though you thought she was the one. Or would she not be the one because she lost interest?

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    Like my avatar, I'm just an Eeyore floating down the river.
    I need to learn to float down river. I'm trying. But I keep flailing my arms or sinking.
    Last edited by Onceajoan; 08-13-2010 at 11:25 AM. Reason: wasn't finished with response

  6. #36
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    you could just kiss him...no reason to say anything is there?
    yeah. That's what I'm starting to think - less is more. More romantic. More subtle - yet makes the point. It's just the approach I'm concerned about as well as his reaction to it since I don't think he handles surprises very well. I'd actually feel more comfortable if he kissed me.

  7. #37
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Onceajoan View Post
    yeah. That's what I'm starting to think - less is more. More romantic. More subtle - yet makes the point. It's just the approach I'm concerned about as well as his reaction to it since I don't think he handles surprises very well. I'd actually feel more comfortable if he kissed me.
    If you got him out on a date of some kind you could do the doorstep-at-the-end-of-the-evening kiss. That will remove the surprise element since it's such a cliche. But cliches can ease people through tricky steps they wouldn't otherwise be sure how to navigate. Originality can come later.

    Edit: I don't think the surprise factor is anything to worry about though, unless he isn't into you despite all evidence to the contrary. INFP. Surprise is good. Just kiss him. Overthinking is why it hasn't already happened imo.

  8. #38
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    You've known eachother for years, and he's not repulsed by you, obviously, so it's safe to say that you could even shove your hands down his pants. But, yeah, go for the kiss. You will get the same reaction anyway.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    Yeah, I would suggest to give it a try too. I know how I would act, and I probably could go on waiting for another year because of fear of being rejected if no one does a further step, hoping just for SUCH things

  10. #40
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    If you got him out on a date of some kind you could do the doorstep-at-the-end-of-the-evening kiss. That will remove the surprise element since it's such a cliche. But cliches can ease people through tricky steps they wouldn't otherwise be sure how to navigate. Originality can come later.

    Edit: I don't think the surprise factor is anything to worry about though, unless he isn't into you despite all evidence to the contrary. INFP. Surprise is good. Just kiss him. Overthinking is why it hasn't already happened imo.
    Yeah. I tend to analyze things a lot in mind head. I'm a bit like INFPs in that regard. I feel that this is a bit of the problem we're facing - we may be doing the same thing. We move quite quickly between thinking and feeling mode, It's hard to gauge where each is operating from (that is, their heart or their head). I feel that there's a strong desire to be with each other (physically and more deeply) but we're afraid of the approach and how the other will take it. We're a bit "too considerate" of each other.

    I'll do something (kiss him) or say something spontaneous when the time is right. I don't feel I can plan it as much as I'd like to get it right. Mood and timing are the most important factors. We're already so comfortable in our environment, I don't think I want to take it somewhere else. In some ways it would be more meaningful as a culmination of the time we've spent together.

    Thanks for the suggestions, JivinJeffJones. You give me more to think about (but maybe that's not a good thing in my case). BTW: I love the picture especially because the B&W gives it a look of the past. It has almost a ghostly, other worldly presence to it - but very human simultaneouly. I'm a sucker for the mysterious

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