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Thread: INFP avoidant?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Snowey1210's Avatar
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    Question INFP avoidant?

    I tend to be pretty avoidant when dealing with people, and I've always wondered if it was just due to my introverted nature or something more.

    For example, I often catchup with my friends on saturday nights this is something I make myself do as a means to be 'sociable' and develop my underdeveloped extroversion. However I always find that I have a compulsion to leave early. I'll stay most of the night, however I'll end up getting a taxi home at some ungodly hour just so that I don't have to stay over. My friends don't understand why I have to do this (being mostly extroverts), but I just feel so drained by the end of the night that I have to get out of this situation to avoid partaking in any further conversation. It's the same with any conflict situation also, I'd prefer not to be involved at all, and I'm very likely just to walk off rather than have to deal with it. Interpersonal relationships seem to have these same sort of avoidant characteristics also.

    Is this considered normal INFP behaviour? I'm hoping that someone with with a bit more insight into psychology or the MBTI would be able to give me a bit of insight into why I might behave this way? Cheers.

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    Large Member Ender's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snowey1210 View Post
    For example, I often catchup with my friends on saturday nights this is something I make myself do as a means to be 'sociable' and develop my underdeveloped extroversion. However I always find that I have a compulsion to leave early. I'll stay most of the night, however I'll end up getting a taxi home at some ungodly hour just so that I don't have to stay over. My friends don't understand why I have to do this (being mostly extroverts), but I just feel so drained by the end of the night that I have to get out of this situation to avoid partaking in any further conversation. It's the same with any conflict situation also, I'd prefer not to be involved at all, and I'm very likely just to walk off rather than have to deal with it. Interpersonal relationships seem to have these same sort of avoidant characteristics also.

    Is this considered normal INFP behaviour? I'm hoping that someone with with a bit more insight into psychology or the MBTI would be able to give me a bit of insight into why I might behave this way? Cheers.
    I can't say I have insight into psychology or MBTI, however I can relate to everything you've said.

    During the week I generally don't want anything to do with anyone so I usually only go out with friends on Saturday or Sunday. This is largely due to my job though as it's one that saps me of just about all my mental energy and I tend to get in a really bad mood by the end of the day.

    When I do go out. Most times I'm one of the first people to leave, tho at times I can be one of the last. That all depends on what's going on or how much I've had to drink for the most part. I'd also rather drive home at 3AM then stay the night.

    Being around other people is really draining for me mentally. I feel as though being my usual quiet reserved self is frowned upon when I'm with people and that I should be "participating" more rather then just tagging along and observing. So I force myself to be more E then I. Especially since one of the guys thats usually out with us is the kind of person that I'd normally have nothing to do with, so I force myself to just get along with him to avoid conflict. He's the room mate of my friend tho so dealing with him is unavoidable.

    Another reason for me wanting to go home rather then staying the night at a friends place is that I always feel like I am or could in some way be putting them in an uncomfortable spot by having to deal with the fact I'm there. I dunno if you're anything like me but after I've been out in situations like that I tend to sleep for long periods of time. It's not uncommon for me to go out to a party, get home be in bed by 3AM and sleep until 5..6..7..8PM. I really dislike being anything but a positive impact on my friends life.

    Home to me is a safe place. I can go there let my guard down and just veg to recharge myself. I don't have to worry about having to deal with anyone or anything that would interfere with that. I don't have to be constantly analyzing the situation around me. I can just "be".
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  3. #3
    Senior Member marm's Avatar
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    I don't have any insight for you other than to say that this seems normal for many INFPs with strong Introversion. However, there could be other contributing factors such as depression or social anxiety.

    Fe is your opposing function. If you want to understand more from a type perspective, then you could study Beebe's archetypes.

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    Sounds pretty spot on for how I am. I've had my friends actually call me two hours after I left asking where I went. When I get the urge to leave, I am leaving.

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    Senior Member Sandy's Avatar
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    Default I'm the resident party-pooper...

    It's funny that this was mentioned tonight. I had dinner with my church family tonight after Crackerbarrel, and after dinner, I left. They all looked at me like WHY? (and saying please stay... please, please, please!!!) They wanted to chit chat, and I didn't. I had seen them at church earlier, and as much as I love them, I needed to get away. It seems like anywhere I go with friends or family, I am the first one to leave.

    On New Year's Eve, I left early from church, at everyone's dismay... but I was with my boyfriend, and I wanted to spend the last hour of the year with him. I know a few were upset with me. *shrugging shoulders* I am a party-pooper... what can I say?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ender View Post
    During the week I generally don't want anything to do with anyone so I usually only go out with friends on Saturday or Sunday. This is largely due to my job though as it's one that saps me of just about all my mental energy and I tend to get in a really bad mood by the end of the day.

    Home to me is a safe place. I can go there let my guard down and just veg to recharge myself. I don't have to worry about having to deal with anyone or anything that would interfere with that. I don't have to be constantly analyzing the situation around me. I can just "be".
    I feel your pain...and I am an ENxJ! I spend an inordinate amount of time with middle schoolers so I don't really have the time or desire to socialize with people during the week. But it really depends on the friends. There are friends that are NTs or NFs that I could talk to every day of the year for long periods of time. For me, I am finding that I am trying to avoid SJs now at almost any cost. The controlling nature of their personalities combined with shallow discussions seem to make me avoidant and cringe. One of my goals this year is to try to spend less time with SJs and leave more time for myself....to allow for creativity and introspection.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Snowey1210's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ender View Post
    Home to me is a safe place. I can go there let my guard down and just veg to recharge myself. I don't have to worry about having to deal with anyone or anything that would interfere with that.I don't have to be constantly analyzing the situation around me. I can just "be".
    I can really relate to this bit here. It's difficult to act in a manner that is inherinently different to my type. I find this socialisation to be insightful (eg. better understanding social etiquette etc.) but at the same time extremely draining.

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    Large Member Ender's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SolitaryPenguin View Post
    Sounds pretty spot on for how I am. I've had my friends actually call me two hours after I left asking where I went. When I get the urge to leave, I am leaving.
    I get that a lot from my one friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sandy View Post
    They all looked at me like WHY? (and saying please stay... please, please, please!!!)
    lol, this is where my comment on depending on how much alcohol I've drank comes into play. Generally I don't drink enough to allow myself to get drunk so that I can safely leave whenever I want. Despite my friends constant "drink more!" comments to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by armstrongvk12 View Post
    I feel your pain...and I am an ENxJ! I spend an inordinate amount of time with middle schoolers so I don't really have the time or desire to socialize with people during the week. But it really depends on the friends.
    I work for my father, and he's the exact opposite of me when it comes to work ethics. Lets just say we're like oil and water at work. Thankfully his work week is on avg about 4hrs. Those are some extremely taxing 4hrs tho, it's not uncommon for us to start yelling at each other.

    Right now theres really only one person that I can handle talking to no matter what mood I'm in, she's an ISFP friend of mine.
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    Junior Member Garivande's Avatar
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    I have an excellent excuse for leaving any party at any time: my dogs have been alone for X hours and it would be clear abuse not to go home RIGHT NOW (should have gone an hour ago, but stayed because I'm being so extremely polite...).

    When all my relatives gather (as during the recent holidays, when we do not only have christmas etc but also 4 peoples birthdays in between!), and my entire family (husband+kids) are present - I tend to "escape" into TV or the pack of newspapers on the kitchen sofa to just get a moment "alone".

    New years eve, and the first week of january, I spent alone with my 2 dogs (and 3 cats) while the rest of the family went to my husbands relatives (900 km away). Everyone felt sorry for me, so I had to repeat again and again how wonderfully relaxing it was having the house all to myself for 5 days in a row! Bliss! If my husband didn't enjoy the company of his brother so much, I think he would have envied me (he is also an INTP).

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    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Oh, tis a shame I'm not an INFP! To just walk away.....

    I end up remaining longer with friends sometimes because I don't know how to leave in a polite way, or don't want to leave right in the middle of a conversation (and my friends keep talking which makes it difficult to leave...) and I suppose I also think I 'shouldn't' get so worn out socializing, and always try to overcome it. Or something. :-) So I tend to wear myself out. I guess I'm getting a little better about it over time - just leaving earlier than I may have in the past; but I do wear myself out a lot.

    An example of me overextending myself: Starting on Wed Jan 2, through Tues Jan 8, I had something social every single day/night. And I was fine and I was feeling good, until the last 2 days. By Monday the 7th I was starting to internally combust, so I knew I had overextended myself and burnt myself out. Ever since then I've just wanted to hide in my introvert cave and not come out!! I'm still recovering!! :-) Although I did have a few things going on this weekend...but I can still tell I'm not recovered yet from all of the earlier stuff!! Sigh. [with me I seem to either have nothing going on, or a whole lot of stuff going on all at the same time - so there's rarely a happy medium!]
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