User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: Moving In

  1. #1
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6?
    Posts
    2,191

    Default Moving In

    When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

    So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

    So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #2
    Doesn't Read Your Posts Haight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INTj
    Posts
    6,243

    Default

    Is your boyfriends name Noah? Because that could get really interesting.
    "The only time I'm wrong is when I'm questioning myself."
    Haight

  3. #3

    Default

    I would say that any time you decide to pursue a serious relationship, you're changing your life for that person. You're going from a me to a we. Even more so if you live together. So in that sense, moving away from where you're most comfortable to live somewhere nearer to him is a just smaller part of a major change. You've already made the big change by finding yourself committed to him.

    Maybe this way it isn't so scary?

  4. #4
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    I'd be more worried if you weren't scared. These kinds of risks are scary. The best you can do is think it though carefully, do your best to minimize the risks you can minimize, (it sounds like you're doing all that) then sort of jump in. FWIW, I was pretty terrified when I married Don, but it's working out well so far.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #5
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6?
    Posts
    2,191

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Haight View Post
    Is your boyfriends name Noah? Because that could get really interesting.
    SEXY TIMES! But no, I won't be QUITE so close to Ivy... I'll be down the road a piece, in the armpit of the triangle... unless we decide that we want to live in Carrboro or Chapel Hill, in which case I imagine that I still won't be living QUITE so close to Ivy.
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    5,351

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

    So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

    So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.
    If you're thinking about marriage, you might NOT want to do it because the statistics show that marriages are more likely to end in divorce for couples who live together first.

  7. #7
    Lallygag Moderator Geoff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INXP
    Posts
    5,584

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

    So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

    So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.
    Hey, congrats. Has it really been 8 months? Cool...

    Anyway, I sympathise... I've almost learned the reverse.. being used to living in the same house I've learned the scariness of needing the odd day to myself. So, coming at it from that angle, I'd say you should keep some space.... I also know you well enough to not be surprised about the ledge - you are a private person who wants to be able to just back off of the universe when it feels intrusive.

    I think you've just got to get on and do it. But... just try try try to keep some outside interests that don't involve each other. Keep some local friends, hobbies, clubs that you do on your own. And he does on his own. So this odd evening of peace and quiet while one of you does something will create space for the other. It's not unusual for new relationships to be so involving they cause the "victims" to lose most of their friends, interests etc... hold on to them, you'll be glad they are still available when the honeymoon period settles

    Finally, in a crisis, come find me, and I'll listen, open a bottle of gin and see what I can do.

    -Geoff

  8. #8
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6
    Posts
    24,060

    Default

    Wow, Eileen! I'm tickled, and it's TOTALLY NOT (entirely) because you'll be closer to me!

    Everyone has already hogged all the good advice so I'll just say see ya then.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  9. #9
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    1w9
    Posts
    1,506

    Default

    Ditto INTJMom. Get married or stay separate. Fish or cut bait.

    ...Kids.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6?
    Posts
    2,191

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Geoff View Post
    Hey, congrats. Has it really been 8 months? Cool...

    Anyway, I sympathise... I've almost learned the reverse.. being used to living in the same house I've learned the scariness of needing the odd day to myself. So, coming at it from that angle, I'd say you should keep some space.... I also know you well enough to not be surprised about the ledge - you are a private person who wants to be able to just back off of the universe when it feels intrusive.

    I think you've just got to get on and do it. But... just try try try to keep some outside interests that don't involve each other. Keep some local friends, hobbies, clubs that you do on your own. And he does on his own. So this odd evening of peace and quiet while one of you does something will create space for the other. It's not unusual for new relationships to be so involving they cause the "victims" to lose most of their friends, interests etc... hold on to them, you'll be glad they are still available when the honeymoon period settles

    Finally, in a crisis, come find me, and I'll listen, open a bottle of gin and see what I can do.

    -Geoff
    Thanks Geoff.

    This is good advice. My ex and I were really... it... for each other. We didn't have friends in town, really, and we weren't involved in anything social outside of ourselves. We tried to be way too much for each other... it was really taxing on the relationship.

    The good thing about this potential situation is that I'll be much closer to my core group of friends (an hour's drive instead of two) and that I already have more friends in his area than I do in mine. I'm looking forward to having a real social life, although it will be strange after a veritable hermitage for four years.

    I told him that I didn't want to move into his place and that I need an office. Equal ground and space are big needs... that, and a place where my cat isn't going to get squished in the road.
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Similar Threads

  1. [MBTItm] Just moved in with an INFJ!
    By Habba in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: 03-07-2012, 07:55 PM
  2. [ISTJ] I moved in with my ISTJ.
    By mrcockburn in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 56
    Last Post: 02-03-2012, 04:19 PM
  3. I'll be moving in now
    By Beargryllz in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 06-09-2010, 12:01 PM
  4. [ENTP] ENTP First Move in Relationship
    By CindySue in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 63
    Last Post: 07-16-2009, 04:17 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO