[NF] Moving In

[Eileen]

When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.

 

[Haight]

Is your boyfriends name Noah? Because that could get really interesting.

 

[EffEmDoubleyou]

I would say that any time you decide to pursue a serious relationship, you're changing your life for that person. You're going from a me to a we. Even more so if you live together. So in that sense, moving away from where you're most comfortable to live somewhere nearer to him is a just smaller part of a major change. You've already made the big change by finding yourself committed to him.

Maybe this way it isn't so scary?

 

[cafe]

I'd be more worried if you weren't scared. These kinds of risks are scary. The best you can do is think it though carefully, do your best to minimize the risks you can minimize, (it sounds like you're doing all that) then sort of jump in. FWIW, I was pretty terrified when I married Don, but it's working out well so far.

 

[Eileen]

Is your boyfriends name Noah? Because that could get really interesting.

SEXY TIMES! But no, I won't be QUITE so close to Ivy... I'll be down the road a piece, in the armpit of the triangle... unless we decide that we want to live in Carrboro or Chapel Hill, in which case I imagine that I still won't be living QUITE so close to Ivy.

 

[INTJMom]

When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.

If you're thinking about marriage, you might NOT want to do it because the statistics show that marriages are more likely to end in divorce for couples who live together first.

 

[Geoff]

When I was 22, I moved back home to teach and my boyfriend came with me. We had our little home and our cat and our grocery shopping trips and our tiffs over how to handle the dirty dishes. It was good, but it didn't last because he was unhappy living in this town far away from friends and mental stimulation... and well, I stopped being in love with him, maybe because his unhappiness rubbed off on me. Ultimately I felt guilty and sent him packing with his best interests in mind.

So now I've been dating this other guy (O) in a town about 70 miles away for about eight months and we're talking about moving in after the school year is over for me (at that point, we'll be dating over a year). And you know, I want to. I will be free from obligation to this school district, so I'm going to shop around my (totally bitchin') resume and get a public school job near him (and hey, that's near you, Ivy! Woot!). And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.

Hey, congrats. Has it really been 8 months? Cool...

Anyway, I sympathise... I've almost learned the reverse.. being used to living in the same house I've learned the scariness of needing the odd day to myself. So, coming at it from that angle, I'd say you should keep some space.... I also know you well enough to not be surprised about the ledge - you are a private person who wants to be able to just back off of the universe when it feels intrusive.

I think you've just got to get on and do it. But... just try try try to keep some outside interests that don't involve each other. Keep some local friends, hobbies, clubs that you do on your own. And he does on his own. So this odd evening of peace and quiet while one of you does something will create space for the other. It's not unusual for new relationships to be so involving they cause the "victims" to lose most of their friends, interests etc... hold on to them, you'll be glad they are still available when the honeymoon period settles

Finally, in a crisis, come find me, and I'll listen, open a bottle of gin and see what I can do.

-Geoff

 

[Ivy]

Wow, Eileen! I'm tickled, and it's TOTALLY NOT (entirely) because you'll be closer to me!

Everyone has already hogged all the good advice so I'll just say see ya then.

 

[htb]

Ditto INTJMom. Get married or stay separate. Fish or cut bait.

...Kids.

 

[Eileen]

Hey, congrats. Has it really been 8 months? Cool...

Anyway, I sympathise... I've almost learned the reverse.. being used to living in the same house I've learned the scariness of needing the odd day to myself. So, coming at it from that angle, I'd say you should keep some space.... I also know you well enough to not be surprised about the ledge - you are a private person who wants to be able to just back off of the universe when it feels intrusive.

I think you've just got to get on and do it. But... just try try try to keep some outside interests that don't involve each other. Keep some local friends, hobbies, clubs that you do on your own. And he does on his own. So this odd evening of peace and quiet while one of you does something will create space for the other. It's not unusual for new relationships to be so involving they cause the "victims" to lose most of their friends, interests etc... hold on to them, you'll be glad they are still available when the honeymoon period settles

Finally, in a crisis, come find me, and I'll listen, open a bottle of gin and see what I can do.

-Geoff

Thanks Geoff.

This is good advice. My ex and I were really... it... for each other. We didn't have friends in town, really, and we weren't involved in anything social outside of ourselves. We tried to be way too much for each other... it was really taxing on the relationship.

The good thing about this potential situation is that I'll be much closer to my core group of friends (an hour's drive instead of two) and that I already have more friends in his area than I do in mine. I'm looking forward to having a real social life, although it will be strange after a veritable hermitage for four years.

I told him that I didn't want to move into his place and that I need an office. Equal ground and space are big needs... that, and a place where my cat isn't going to get squished in the road.

 

[Eileen]

Ditto INTJMom. Get married or stay separate. Fish or cut bait.

...Kids.

If you're thinking about marriage, you might NOT want to do it because the statistics show that marriages are more likely to end in divorce for couples who live together first.

I've heard this, but I don't really buy it. My parents agree with you, though.

 

[Economica]

If you're thinking about marriage, you might NOT want to do it because the statistics show that marriages are more likely to end in divorce for couples who live together first.

I've heard this, but I don't really buy it. My parents agree with you, though.

No need to worry (about that, anyway). From the thread To wait or not to wait?:

OTOH, last stats I saw, people who live together before getting married have a higher divorce rate than those who do not. That's just for the US, though, AFAIK.

Do you have a source for those stats?

The CDC.

This is technically true.

However, divorce rates are actually lower once you adjust for dominant behavioural factors. IOW, those that live together are already more likely to get divorced, however they are less likely if they live together first. Those that are unlikely to get divorced are more likely to get married before living together.

I just looked up the CDC stats and like pt says, it is technically true (see the table on page 64) but they have not corrected for multicollinearity as far as I can see. Cohabitation does not have to cause divorce; it could be that cohabitation is negatively correlated with "importance of religion", say, or income, both of which make divorce less likely. (I.e. the religious and the wealthy tend not to cohabitate and to not get divorced, which makes cohabitation correlate with divorce.)

A little statistics is a dangerous thing. (<-- General rant of mine.)

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

And we'll find a place that is neutral ground (I don't want to move in to HIS space; we're finally getting over our weird power dynamics). I think it'll be great when we do it - but it's really, really scary. I don't know if it's normal to be terrified or if I'm also layering on this memory of how my ex was unhappy because he loved me enough to follow me somewhere. The thought of totally changing my life for a man is really terrifying.

So, as usual with me, ambivalence rules. I WANT this, but it's just scary. Talk me off the ledge.

Sounds kinda scary. I personally wouldn't do it unless I felt like we had really really great communication and a secure attachment to one another, such that I could do my thing and she could do hers, and neither would feel jealous or anxious that we would be abandoned. Given your power-dynamic issues, I'd say there's still some things to take care over before you commit to moving in, which can amplify those issues.

 

[NoahFence]

I'll not try to describe tomorrow's sunset for you, and settle for 'grats and g'luck instead.

Also, FYI, everything in the Triangle is equidistant from everything else. I'm not sure how this works, exactly, but everything outside your own neighborhood is 1/2 hour away. Distance is irrelevant here. I think one of the tech start-ups out in RTP let some "fabric of space" experiment get out of hand.

We're actually outside the Triangle (elliptical orbit) so it takes us 45 minutes to get anywhere.

 

[Eileen]

Sounds kinda scary. I personally wouldn't do it unless I felt like we had really really great communication and a secure attachment to one another, such that I could do my thing and she could do hers, and neither would feel jealous or anxious that we would be abandoned. Given your power-dynamic issues, I'd say there's still some things to take care over before you commit to moving in, which can amplify those issues.

Well, what you describe (the anxiety) is not at all the same thing as power dynamic that I referred to, which, as I pointed out, we're moving past.

 

[Eileen]

Gah! Jesus Christ, I wish this thread would stop getting bumped.

 

[runvardh]

But it's such a fun and hot topic to post on!

 

[Ivy]

Moved discussion posts here, and this thread from Relationships.