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  1. #81
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Sometimes you have to just leave things/people, and you don't need a reason.

    Also, leaving things sometimes creates space for new things.

    @Silkroad - you sound like you know what's going to happen and are okay with it! What a good place to be

  2. #82
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    Sometimes you have to just leave things/people, and you don't need a reason.

    Also, leaving things sometimes creates space for new things.

    @Silkroad - you sound like you know what's going to happen and are okay with it! What a good place to be
    Thanks...mm it still feels a bit more complicated than that though. I still feel sad and a bit uncertain how to proceed. But basically yes, I guess I don't feel too bad about just stepping back and letting things peter out if need be. I have to admit that I already feel a bit more relaxed not expecting to get another text message from him about how miserable he is or about how he's already made another U-turn on some decision which he'd just told me was absolutely his choice about the way to go. It was all exhausting. So, things are sad sometimes in human relationships but also maybe ultimately for the best.

    Even if we never do re-establish a full friendship, it would be nice to hear at some point that things are going better for him and that he has made some steps to sort out his instability.

    I like your "leaving things sometimes creates space for new things" comment
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  3. #83
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I've had this problem with a few people in my life. We fall into a pattern where I'm somehow the therapist listening to them vent and unload. Sometimes it can go both ways (I do have healthy friendships where it goes both ways) but if you try to unload on them, they might even be dismissive. At any rate, it's mostly them doing the unloading.

    Ultimately it gets too much because you feel stressed, upset, you see them making bad decisions in clear contradiction of what they previously said to you...etc. You express this to them. They just don't get it. They don't understand why you might feel exhausted, frustrated, emotional or personally involved.

    How do you deal with this? Do you see these patterns emerging and nip them in the bud? Do you distance yourself but still remain cordial with the person? How?
    I'm sorry to say this, but in my experience, the best way is to stay away from them. Some people are just very negative and unload on other people. But maybe they are just going through bad times in their lives? Or has it been so always?

  4. #84
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alcea rosea View Post
    I'm sorry to say this, but in my experience, the best way is to stay away from them. Some people are just very negative and unload on other people. But maybe they are just going through bad times in their lives? Or has it been so always?
    It's when you realise there are long-established patterns, and they're not trying to help themselves, and it is dragging you down...yeah, I think the conclusion then is to back off. I don't think a good friend runs off at the first sign of trouble. This is something else...
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  5. #85
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    And when I think about it, you know what? Most of our conversations were about him and how confused he is, so actually we might not have many other things to talk about.
    Exactly. Sometimes it's episodic what people need and more about someone listening rather than WHO listens. I think it's important in your own head to realize what it is that you are walking into and not try to make more of a situation than necessary. Sometimes people are just ships passing in the night. Whether it comes to sexual, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc. exchanges.
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  6. #86
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Exactly. Sometimes it's episodic what people need and more about someone listening rather than WHO listens. I think it's important in your own head to realize what it is that you are walking into and not try to make more of a situation than necessary. Sometimes people are just ships passing in the night. Whether it comes to sexual, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc. exchanges.
    Yeah...I feel like this is a dumb NF thing. When you have those kinds of conversations with people, even if it turns out they're mainly just unloading on you cause you're available and listening - if you're the type of person I am, you get way way over-invested. And then, too often, realise they're not all that invested in you. Cue big disappointment. So your point about being realistic about what the situation is actually like is excellent.
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  7. #87
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Ooh. Good explanation. I never thought of it that way. You're invested in them, and they're invested in them. You're not really anywhere in this equation...

    Something just clicked. Thanks, guys!

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