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  1. #71
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    And, just to add, I'm coming around to the idea that "therapy" doesn't mean something's wrong with you or that you're screwed up -- it might just mean you need someone who will deal with your problems, has the right internal and external resources to do so, is impartial, will "critique" and know what's unhealthy, and has the right knowledge/connections to hook you up to something better. If they're good, that is... but that being said, some mutual give and take / talking about problems is good too. If you're really close to someone, but not doing that in your relationships at all, then it's like an area is blocked. Not necessarily bad, maybe it's blocked for a reason, but in balance this can be a really nice thing.
    +1 for all of this. Nothing wrong with needing therapy. I've had it recently for a phobia. I know others who've had it, in fact I wouldn't mind having some more in my life at some point... And yeah, talking about problems with friends is great. It's finding that balance, and those nasty moments when you realise that the whole thing is totally out of balance.
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  2. #72
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    and those nasty moments when you realise that the whole thing is totally out of balance.
    So true. But I want to believe that these can be worked through, even if it means some distance for some time.

  3. #73
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    therapy is great! i wish i could afford it

    after all the psychology classes i've taken, i'm totally convinced that there's nothing remotely "weak" or "wrong" about going to therapy - even if you seem/feel completely mentally healthy. everyone's got challenges and talking that out with someone with whom a social bond is not on the line is very freeing.

  4. #74
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    therapy is great! i wish i could afford it

    after all the psychology classes i've taken, i'm totally convinced that there's nothing remotely "weak" or "wrong" about going to therapy - even if you seem/feel completely mentally healthy. everyone's got challenges and talking that out with someone with whom a social bond is not on the line is very freeing.
    I live in a country with public health care and I got therapy for free through it which frankly I thought was pretty amazing. I mean, when I told the doctor I was suffering when I was flying I fully expected them to prescribe me anti-anxiety drugs. Instead they asked if I wanted six free sessions of therapy! They even got me into it almost right away, though they had warned me that I might be on a waiting list for a while...it didn't work out that way. Hey, people complain about how the public health care works but at least it's there... And yeah, i wouldn't mind having some more just for my life generally

    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    So true. But I want to believe that these can be worked through, even if it means some distance for some time.
    I'd like to think so but it's hard to know. Especially when your friendship with someone has frankly always been rather a challenge. Sigh. There's a part of me with this recent situation that feels like I've just walked away from this person maybe in a time of need. Although I did stick around for a few years of unproductive venting...
    Last edited by SilkRoad; 08-25-2010 at 06:09 AM.
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  5. #75
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Just wanted to say that being a good listener and being a trained therapist are very different. People find me easy to talk to and share with irl bc I am nonjudgemental. But. I no longer attract a small army of randoms. I value myself too much and I believe too much in tough love. I think if you lack the will and wisdom to put your foot down to certain things that you also lack a key trait necessary to really help people. I find that people seek those who listen and enable but are much less receptive to actual constructive criticism and reminders about reality. People also hate hearing how they are wrong. Understandeable but I find really helping people takes a real investment and I do not have a lot of patience for people who don't really want to change. Or simply won't because what they need is something you can't give them.

    I think basically I am more willing to listen and help when I can tell you don't feel entitled to my energy.

    I get satisfaction from helping people but I think anyone who has this experience being a magnet for troubled folks or unloaders should learn by a certain point who the red flags are and what your own limits and boundaries are.

    Then again perhaps being that person who is burdened by others unburdening unto you - maybe that's just some people's role in life.
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  6. #76
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    I find really helping people takes a real investment and I do not have a lot of patience for people who don't really want to change. Or simply won't because what they need is something you can't give them.
    Yes, you are so right about this. I am telling myself I shouldn't feel guilty about my recent situation with this friend because I invested a lot over quite a long period of time, got very little back, and frankly the person has shown again and again that they have a pattern of inconsistent behaviour and of talking big, but being unable or unwilling to do much anything to help themselves.

    Again, it's such a balancing act to care and try to help, but to not become over-invested. I haven't quite worked that one out and of course it is different in every situation.
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  7. #77
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    Sometimes leaving people is the eye opener they need. Sometimes people take adantage wo meaning to but they still know they are doing it. Some troubled people will actually respect you more and listen to you better when they know you are willing to leave them.

    SilkRoad if you really did everything you could I would not feel bad. They mightve just dragged you down with them.
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  8. #78
    Senior Member Coco's Avatar
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    LOL i read upload on you so I was thinking like if I was imageshack hahahahahahaha

    i think i need some sleep

  9. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Once I had this happen another way around, though... I had this friend who I had shared many things with, and had gotten a lot better by the "therapeutic" relationship. The thing is, I saw her after a six months I've been away, and it was weird, I was quite ok now, but she kept trying to dig something, some more wounds out of me. And it wasn't enough to say that I was really ok now and don't need it. I think she interpreted it like I was in denial with my problems. Well, what I did was distance myself, once again. I felt uneasy being a puzzle for someone to solve, no matter how much I felt gratitude for her being there for me when I needed it.
    How long were you friends before the realtionship turned therapy? I feel like I've been in a similar situation w/ an infp I dated where almst from get go I was her support. It was very heavy burdeen and she put me through some ish. Then one day she decided she was better and refused to acknowledge the dyanmics of our relationship or even really say Kthank you". And she wasn't all better, if she were feeling better she never really sharred that revelation with me.

    Basically I was pissed and thought she was incredibly selfish . It was all about her and if you didn't want to swallow her changing mood you were not supporting her.

    Not saying this hppened with you, but you can't really blame your friend for being confused I- in a way your relationship locked her into the role ofe your helper or even savior and it's like being "on call" in an emergency situation. The helper hyper focuses on you and prioritize your well being, they are primed to cater to you basically. Then when it seems like ]OOM I'm better now it takes adjusting. You really have to take baby steps to reeadjust your relationship and on her end she may be frustrateed bc she sees you doing the same thing you did before - even though things are actually not "problems" she reads them as you being in the same troubled state. If she did not know you well befpre the troubles she has no true ruler of what "Normal Nolla" looks like, all she knows is "Troubled Nolla" so everythiing you do will remind her of your troubled self.

    Its good you got some distance, I hope you also told her explixitly that you appreciated her being there to go on that difficult walk with you but you've come out the other side better and have really changed as a person. And you look forward to getting to know he "all over again". I think theese kind of official freesh start conversations are crucial to have with folks after sharing intense experiences or helping someone through a dark stage.

    If that doesn't work then sometimes you just have to let time settlle it.
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  10. #80
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    If that doesn't work then sometimes you just have to let time settlle it.
    Sometimes it can take a lot of time...I've had a couple of friendships-gone-bad where it's been a couple of years before we re-established contact and things got back on an even keel. Actually, I find that in those cases you're more likely to be amicable again but to be more like acquaintances than close friends. Which is sad but perhaps better.

    In the case of my friend in this thread, the more I think about it, I think it's likely the friendship will just peter out. I told him I wanted to maintain the friendship in other ways but his response suggests he's not much interested. And I don't have the energy to chase after him at the moment. And when I think about it, you know what? Most of our conversations were about him and how confused he is, so actually we might not have many other things to talk about.
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