User Tag List

First 23456 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 87

  1. #31
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    2,300

    Default

    after a while you learn to distinguish
    who you want to console. it doesn't
    have to be everybody.

    most people's troubles are idiotic,
    same shit, different day, repetitive
    behaviors, can't waste energy
    on that if they keep on doing it to
    themselves. rather go buy shoes.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  2. #32
    i love skylights's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 so/sx
    Socionics
    EII Ne
    Posts
    7,835

    Default

    hi silkroad

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    It comes across slightly narcissistic to my mind. It does indeed sound like he is reacting from hurt and abandonment. Notice he doesn't acknowledge any of the pain you were carrying for him as a friend or any of the ways you offered to sustain the friendship. Its a pity that he cannot see that. I'm sorry, Silk. It sounds like you were a very good friend to him, if that is any comfort. What a shame he couldn't understand your message or feelings properly. He is probably going to feel your absence.
    i felt very much the same when reading through this thread. it read as a (subconscious, of course) framing of himself as the victim, which is essentially a call for you to pay attention to him, without any recognition of your feelings or your own internal health. it's not fair to you because you've been offering of yourself generously the whole time. it may in fact be quite good for him for you to cut him off, now that he's gotten to this point. perhaps it will help for him to understand what he's missing - not in a cruel way, but in a genuine way. it sounds like he's leaning on you for support without acknowledging how much you are giving or trying to contribute back.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Additional emotional stress is not what I need. I do have to step right back for now. I have done all I could to reassure this person of my continued friendship, I guess for now it's up to him how he takes that.


    i've actually been through a very similar situation lately. i would stay up late talking to a friend of mine who has been going through some emotional turbulence and what i thought was a period of finding herself - she started doing drugs, going home with random people, fell desperately in love with a guy she wouldn't tell, etc. she would talk about how she was unhappy and wanted to change... i would spend a lot of time thinking about her situations and working through the psychology of it with her, and we would talk about behavioral things she could do. and then she would text me saying she was drunk and making out with three guys. or message me saying she was hungover and needed help. it just got to the point where i was losing sleep to help her and carrying her emotional needs with me, but she kept returning to the same place again and again and then looking to me.

    i recently told her that i really just can't talk about it with her anymore. she got upset and i felt pretty bad about it, and sometimes she still will try to discuss things with me. but at least i feel like i'm not being an enabler to her behavior, and we still are friends and talk about other stuff. plus i'm not emotionally or physically run down from it.

    good luck with your situation too. it sounds to me like you did everything you could for him and at this point just need to take care of yourself.


    ps -- jedi mind trick? i thought that was FeNi?

  3. #33
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    4
    Posts
    12

    Default

    I can't stand it when people constantly unload like you're their personal shrink or something! My cousin used to be like that; always telling me how depressed she was over and over and over again. She really didn't want to listen to a word I had to say and got annoyed with me for being happy! Now her life has improved and she's probably happier than me, but I still keep my distance. We were really close for the longest time, but I think our friendship has had a negative effect on me.

  4. #34
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post

    i felt very much the same when reading through this thread. it read as a (subconscious, of course) framing of himself as the victim, which is essentially a call for you to pay attention to him, without any recognition of your feelings or your own internal health. it's not fair to you because you've been offering of yourself generously the whole time. it may in fact be quite good for him for you to cut him off, now that he's gotten to this point. perhaps it will help for him to understand what he's missing - not in a cruel way, but in a genuine way. it sounds like he's leaning on you for support without acknowledging how much you are giving or trying to contribute back.

    ...

    i recently told her that i really just can't talk about it with her anymore. she got upset and i felt pretty bad about it, and sometimes she still will try to discuss things with me. but at least i feel like i'm not being an enabler to her behavior, and we still are friends and talk about other stuff. plus i'm not emotionally or physically run down from it.

    good luck with your situation too. it sounds to me like you did everything you could for him and at this point just need to take care of yourself.

    Thanks for your input, Skylights (and everyone). Yes, I pretty much agree with your assessment. I've often had the feeling that he unloads on me about things he feels guilty or uncertain about, but then it's almost like he feels refreshed and goes back to those behaviours. It's not fair on me and it's not helping him either - which is basically what I told him.

    The sad thing is, when I first knew him I was attracted to him on both a friendship basis and potentially more because he seemed so confident and fun and funny - not the first qualities I would see in myself. I'm starting to think more and more that it's just a facade - I do think that's how a lot of people who don't know him well see him, and all they see of the confusion is that he seems a bit scattered or can't settle down or whatever. I actually do fear for him, it seems almost as though he may be depressed or something. On the other hand, it may just be that he's too self-centered and has too many options etc... I was somewhat heartened that he said "I have a lot to work on and I haven't been the best with personal relationships," but the thing about "I thought friendship was about sharing thoughts and feelings, I guess not", that kind of hurt me. Does he really think that because he unloads on me, that makes it a true friendship? It's a very childish and selfish perspective.

    I hope he starts to sort himself out and stand on his own two feet. I do want to at least signal to him occasionally that I am still his friend. I am preparing to move in a week and am clearing out lots of stuff and found a few things he would really like, I think. I'm going to leave them with a mutual friend for him. Just a little gesture like that. I may leave it a while before I actively get in touch, though. I would like to think that even if we avoid re-hashing his problems and confusions, we'd still have a few things to talk about (as you mentioned with your friend above).

    I think in general though I do have a fundamental problem with forming what seems to be a close relationship with someone because they open up to me and vent about their problems...then realising a bit too late that that's all the friendship/relationship is really about and they're kind of being a user and I'm kind of being an enabler. Maybe it's discerning where the pattern is going and what the friendship is based on? I could never become a person who cuts someone off when they start sharing about their hopes and fears. That IS an important part of friendship to me. On the other hand, I don't want friendships where I'm just a therapist.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  5. #35
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,783

    Default

    kick them in the balls whenever they start complaining that way they'll associate pain when they bitch to you.

  6. #36
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    kick them in the balls whenever they start complaining that way they'll associate pain when they bitch to you.
    that seems like a rather un-INFP solution!!
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  7. #37
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,783

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    that seems like a rather un-INFP solution!!
    dude, all i know is it would probably work. might end the friendship, but i just know its better to be friendless than it is to have a friend who does nothing but bitch.or they might complain more, but just kick them again and harder

  8. #38
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    dude, all i know is it would probably work. might end the friendship, but i just know its better to be friendless than it is to have a friend who does nothing but bitch.or they might complain more, but just kick them again and harder
    Indeed ,it might work. I don't really see it happening though but I guess it could be a metaphor for tough love...another thing I'm not good at.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  9. #39
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    yupp
    Posts
    29,783

    Default

    you just need to grow some balls. is all

  10. #40
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,939

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    you just need to grow some balls. is all
    See my signature...
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

Similar Threads

  1. People who keep telling you the same stories and jokes over and over
    By Rasofy in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 02-20-2014, 10:47 PM
  2. people who like your jobs and make a livable salary.
    By skylights in forum Academics and Careers
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-18-2011, 10:31 PM
  3. [MBTItm] do you distant yourself from people who have seen you naked?
    By Rebe in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 03-23-2010, 01:14 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO