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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.
    I wouldn't necessarily say that I need to have BFF's in my life, but it has definitely been a blessing to have them. My friends help me out a great deal and they're pretty much the only family I have. These are my life long friends and they're not expendable.

    I do have a wide variety of acquaintances though. I wouldn't consider them expendable, but they could easily be replaced.

    Then there's people that I have an instant connection with and I work at buiding a relationship with. I wouldn't consider these people easily replaceable because there's such an instant connection that I would like to turn it into a lifelong friendship.

    As an ENFJ, it is fairly easy for me to make friends though. So I can see how the two that you know are able to do what you describe.

  2. #12
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Okay I think this makes sense to me, theoretically and in terms of my ENFJs. One more question, when you refer to self-preservation, are you referring to the ENFJ's need?

    Have you ever found your 'deep' friends becoming exhausted by your intensity?
    ENFJs do have to respect other people's need to self-preserve, but the ENFJ need is strong due to how clouded our ability to help ourselves can be. If others demand of us, we'll put ourselves on the backburner, unless we've already learned not to.
    I've mainly dealt with a lot of people who wanted my time and advice, but couldn't recognize what time I needed for myself.

    My closest friends have definitely been exhausted every now and then. I can easily dominate conversation and mood, but I'll feel it out a good deal and adjust accordingly.
    I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
    This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.

    Amusingly enough, my closest friendships now are with xNFPs. We're of the same NF family, but still quite opposite. There's always a lot to learn from and teach one another. A good relationship between the pair will be open enough to say "You are putting too much forward" or "You are holding too much back"
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
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  3. #13
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antimony View Post
    I had an ENFJ BFF once...but the entire time I knew him he really liked me, and then he completely cut me out of his life once he got a girlfriend.
    I don’t think this is a just an ENFJ thing, I see this happens with a lot of different personality types
    Last edited by Sparrow; 08-15-2010 at 04:18 AM.
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  4. #14
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
    This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.
    Do you think this is a typical thing that ENFJs develop as they mature? How old are you/your friend?

    Sorry if it feels like I am grilling you!
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  5. #15
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Do you think this is a typical thing that ENFJs develop as they mature? How old are you/your friend?

    Sorry if it feels like I am grilling you!
    The grilling is fine, as long as i'm medium well.

    It does come from maturing and life experience. If an ENFJ observes enough or is burned enough, they tend to turn inward. It has to go through an external source to be recognized and then utilized. It's like sifting through social situations and other's issues to find pieces of our inner core. We need to be reclusive to examine which to keep, before we set out on another social mission. Some ENFJs are either stuck in an unhealthy self analyzation loop or can't escape external analyzation.

    We're both 22.
    My ENFJ friend has been stuck in the self analyzation loop, due to a lack of social situations. She hasn't been piecing her puzzle together to fix herself, basically because she lacks the sources.
    I've always been socially involved and have been burned for it a lot in the past. Over time, I learned how to escape external analyzation more often. There has to be a balance to function efficiently
    Apparently, ENFJs are now machines
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
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  6. #16
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    Basically, yes.
    It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
    It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
    It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.
    The mutual give and take is a common theme in my deep friendships. Also, to the nay sayers - take note there is an ENTJ and two ESFJs on that list. Good, caring, kind people come in all types Just had to point that out.
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  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    Basically, yes.
    It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
    It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
    It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.
    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    ENFJs do have to respect other people's need to self-preserve, but the ENFJ need is strong due to how clouded our ability to help ourselves can be. If others demand of us, we'll put ourselves on the backburner, unless we've already learned not to.
    I've mainly dealt with a lot of people who wanted my time and advice, but couldn't recognize what time I needed for myself.

    My closest friends have definitely been exhausted every now and then. I can easily dominate conversation and mood, but I'll feel it out a good deal and adjust accordingly.
    I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
    This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.

    Amusingly enough, my closest friendships now are with xNFPs. We're of the same NF family, but still quite opposite. There's always a lot to learn from and teach one another. A good relationship between the pair will be open enough to say "You are putting too much forward" or "You are holding too much back"
    this is so interesting to read! one of my closest friends right now is an ENFJ. oddly i used to feel like i put more into the friendship than she did, but recently i've come to recognize that much of this is related with Fi-Fe differences. we take care of one another in different ways.

    i think i've learned a ton from her (and hopefully she has been able to take away from our friendship too), especially about respect and taking care of oneself. part of why i used to feel like she didn't care was that she would attend to herself before me, while i attended to us both equally. i didn't understand that she simply assumed that i would prefer to take care of myself, lol! she encourages me to take better care of myself physically while i encourage her to take better care of herself emotionally. i think (though not to be assuming) that she has taken from me a greater deal of open trust and simple optimism.

    and i totally agree with you about a good NF balance. she's the one to point out "you're putting too much forward" and i'm the one to point out "you're holding too much back." we also keep up with each other well even though we're not currently in the same place, which i really appreciate and don't get from a lot of other friends. we don't have anything really holding us together anymore, but i don't see our friendship fading away either, which is wonderful to me.

  8. #18
    Member Ethelred the Unready's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.
    I've always had a 'presence' in my life, somebody I can call 'my best friend'. But I have to admit that I''ve had different friends in the course of my life. I guess I was too intense for them and ...there was always another person wanting to be my friend. So I'm guilty as charged of 'finding new people when the old one becomes unavailable'.

    Saying that, I've only recently realized that I was all about 'giving' and not 'taking'. I've always bent my life and adjusted my decisions around what other people wanted...I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that, but better late than never

    I'm hoping to change and 'harden' myself and to rekindle my last 'best friendship' back into its proper form
    We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull; some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

  9. #19
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    I've been the BFF of two different ENFJs. I had an intense bond with each and still love them both dearly but life took us in different directions. I seem to have a special place in my heart for ENFJ women. They are wonderful.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.
    As long as I know I live in one person's heart.. I can go long times without meaningful contact. If I lose the one heart though.. I think I would die.

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