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[ENFP] ENFPs getting older or maturing?

Thalassa

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I'd be curious for the input of ENFPs who are older than me (30 - 40 somethings and up) but also for ENFPs in their mid-to-late twenties...

On one hand, there is a part of me who felt like I had to explore the world and try everything to discover "who I am" and what I really want from life, but there's another part of me who is disgusted by some of the things I did and behaviors I exhibited when I was younger...like I feel I was "too open" in that phase of my life, and that I have a stronger sense of ethics now that I'm older, and I'm using those ethics to judge my younger self. This is strange to me because I once said "no regrets, everything I've done makes me who I am today" and now I want to distance myself somewhat from who I was as a younger person.

On the other hand, I feel like I was more gentle, spiritual, and tolerant in other ways...like maybe I've hardened a little too much (Te?) as I've aged, and it would do me good to be a little more in touch with my Fi in that way again, or was I just being naive?

I guess everyone changes as they grow up, and I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, honestly. The form of a med I take has been recently slightly changed and I feel a bit cloudy headed...
 

Lady_X

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i can relate a lot...actually...i think i was a big bubbly overflowing nefi person...very lovey and hippiish...so enthralled with people...rarely made judgment calls...just extremely accepting and intrigued by people...now...i seem to be less interested...i don't need to get into super personal deep bonding convos with people all the time like i did...it's like i have less emotional energy for it...i can only focus that on a few important people at a time now it seems...i'm still restless but a whole lot less.

and...i don't feel harder...i'm the same me...but...just less open.
 

Liesl

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I really can't relate. I've always been intensely discriminating about the activities I've participated in and who to involve in my life. Intensely discriminating. I'm extremely accepting of other people's choices and lifestyles but am so very careful and choosy in my own.

But I'm also pretty guarded, suspicious, and untrusting due to my childhood. That might explain it.
 

skylights

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well, i've always been open and fun-seeking and curious, but i was a rather quiet child, and actually fairly quiet and socially awkward in high school too, at least in the classroom. i did have a fairly large group of friends i'd open up more around, but it wasn't really until college where my E actually even surfaced socially.

i feel like my main growth has been in 1) just letting myself be wild and/or outspoken somtimes and 2) in not bending so much to make others like me. my biggest regrets come from compromising my values to please others.
 
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You

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I'm younger. I'm a male. And I think my Fi is dying a very quick death.
 

You

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I get it. Everything you said resonates. I don't actually see it as Fi is being naive, just all that "trying to find myself" and distancing myself from that behavior sort've culminates as well...no regrets. Don't have regrets, because ultimately, even if you are distancing yourself, it is because you learned that isn't the type of person you want to be or even comfortable being. So its not you, its just a piece of you.
 

7thsomebody

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On the other hand, I feel like I was more gentle, spiritual, and tolerant in other ways...like maybe I've hardened a little too much (Te?) as I've aged, and it would do me good to be a little more in touch with my Fi in that way again, or was I just being naive?

I am 20, so perhaps a little too young for your target audience. However, I find that what you say is frightening. Even more frightening are the reality checks I am having. Before my career plans were essentially about following my heart's desire and shooting for the moon. Now I am being more cautious... and this saddens me. That zest for life I had is dying slightly and I think possibly yours has dimmed (although I do not know you...) I loathe Te and Fe and whilst I know that a. though it is not necessarily a smart thing to say the ideas of hardening and following social norms which seem characteristics of those who exhibit these as dominant or axillary functions are off putting to me, or at least, not characteristics I want to undertake myself.
 

Thalassa

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I am 20, so perhaps a little too young for your target audience. However, I find that what you say is frightening. Even more frightening are the reality checks I am having. Before my career plans were essentially about following my heart's desire and shooting for the moon. Now I am being more cautious... and this saddens me. That zest for life I had is dying slightly and I think possibly yours has dimmed (although I do not know you...) I loathe Te and Fe and whilst I know that a. though it is not necessarily a smart thing to say the ideas of hardening and following social norms which seem characteristics of those who exhibit these as dominant or axillary functions are off putting to me, or at least, not characteristics I want to undertake myself.

Actually Te has helped me greatly in my life, and I don't see Fe as a "hardening function" like Te. I still have a zest for life, I'm just somewhat more realistic. I'm still an ENFP, though, because I still take risks...just not as haphazardly as I did at 19 or 22. That's actually A GOOD THING. In a lot of ways I've matured, and that's why I'm rejecting some of the things I did as a younger person.

The initial shock of reality and mortality may be depressing, but it balances itself out in the long run actually. I'm not sad about that, actually.

The only thing I want to work on is softening up my Fi again, which means being more actively in touch with my spiritual side and being more forgiving instead of always fighting back. I just need to learn to pick my battles wisely - that would be real maturity...
 

Rebe

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It sounds like ENFPs when young have rampant Ne and me, I had rampant Fi when young and did nothing but as I have gotten older and more confident, I use a lot more Ne and other functions to balance myself out.
 

stalemate

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I had a phase in my 20s where I "hardened" somewhat toward others. Before that, I always loved everyone and gave people the benefit of the doubt even if they were doing stupid things or whatever. I really just accepted everyone openly. During a few years in my early 20s I started to be more judgmental toward people. Once I realized this was happening it really made me sad and I consciously tried to limit it.

Also, when I was younger I was more into "following my heart" when it came to career and moving from place to place, etc. In my mid 20s I had a series of moves and things that really just didn't work out at all and was more disrupting/uprooting than I would have like with almost no benefit. It was depressing because I didn't feel like anywhere was "home" until just about 2 years ago (I am 30 now) even though I've lived most of my life within 2 hours of where I grew up. Anyway, after that experience in my mid 20s I value stability so much more now and it has gotten rid of some of my impulsiveness.
 

Thalassa

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I had a phase in my 20s where I "hardened" somewhat toward others. Before that, I always loved everyone and gave people the benefit of the doubt even if they were doing stupid things or whatever. I really just accepted everyone openly. During a few years in my early 20s I started to be more judgmental toward people. Once I realized this was happening it really made me sad and I consciously tried to limit it.


Well, I'm actually glad I set boundaries. The boundary setting was actually a positive thing. I just think I went too far into harshness - like going from one extreme to another - and now I'm about finding some balance. Keeping the boundaries without necessarily having to be hard. Unless it's appropriate to be hard - sometimes Te force is a good thing!

Also, when I was younger I was more into "following my heart" when it came to career and moving from place to place, etc. In my mid 20s I had a series of moves and things that really just didn't work out at all and was more disrupting/uprooting than I would have like with almost no benefit. It was depressing because I didn't feel like anywhere was "home" until just about 2 years ago (I am 30 now) even though I've lived most of my life within 2 hours of where I grew up. Anyway, after that experience in my mid 20s I value stability so much more now and it has gotten rid of some of my impulsiveness.

Ha, I'm still moving around....I'll think I've settled down for a few years, then no, I've got to go again. But when I was younger I was much more reckless and irresponsible about it. I'm really thrilled that I just LIVED through my late teens and very early twenties. Seriously. I wonder how I managed to survive. Apparently God watches over mentally challenged people, alcoholics, and ENFPs. Not that the three are always mutually exclusive...
 

stalemate

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Well, I'm actually glad I set boundaries. The boundary setting was actually a positive thing. I just think I went too far into harshness - like going from one extreme to another - and now I'm about finding some balance. Keeping the boundaries without necessarily having to be hard. Unless it's appropriate to be hard - sometimes Te force is a good thing!
Boundaries are good. I think I've always had a pretty good grasp on boundaries but what I'm talking about is just more how I feel about people inside my own head. I don't know that anyone would have been able to observe a difference in my behavior. Does that make sense? Kind of like I was starting to move from "he's an interesting person" to "he seems like an idiot" when thinking about new people or something. I guess it could just be that I started meeting more idiots but I doubt it. ;)
 

Thalassa

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Boundaries are good. I think I've always had a pretty good grasp on boundaries but what I'm talking about is just more how I feel about people inside my own head. I don't know that anyone would have been able to observe a difference in my behavior. Does that make sense? Kind of like I was starting to move from "he's an interesting person" to "he seems like an idiot" when thinking about new people or something. I guess it could just be that I started meeting more idiots but I doubt it. ;)

Well as a teenager I was pretty much an enabler. I felt sorry for drug addicts, and any sort of outcast from society. I wanted to love and understand every person who didn't fit in. I went out of my way to help people who sometimes I probably shouldn't have helped. I remember handing a homeless man in Vegas $20 one day.

Now I have very little patience for addicts at all. Like I think they're some of the most selfish people on the face of the earth. I understand that they have an illness, but I don't think I should ever be a professional drug counselor.

Now I'm more likely to buy a homeless person something to eat instead of giving them money. That's a good thing.

However, I've just became very harsh with people - just through life experience I've found that so many people are assholes and they disappoint me so much that I've found I'd rather just confront them about their bullshit.

The boundaries are good. The extreme judgments and lack of tolerance sometimes are not.
 

stalemate

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I see what you mean now. I am not very harsh outwardly toward people, but my inner core has gotten harder I guess.
 

7thsomebody

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Actually Te has helped me greatly in my life, and I don't see Fe as a "hardening function" like Te.

Sorry, I was not entirely clear. Rereading what I said tells me it sounds like an impassioned ramble. Regarding Fe, I think just in relation to social norms etc, I like that in many ways I was just a bit odd or more enthusiastic than decorum permits or not limited by the standard social expectations, without necessarily being crazy all the time. And strengthening of Fe in some ways speaks of giving up one's dreams and being a tad more practical etc... All things that I can objectively recognise as being sensible options sometimes but in my heart of hearts sounds awful and as though I am failing in my duty to be true to myself...
 

pyramid

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As I grow older I dislike people more instantaneously but I am much wiser with being able to immediately and continually love them anyhow.

I have more discerning qualities now that I don't see as hard, limiting, or narrowing, but rather are helping me find, form, and detail my path. I put daily effort into not being/becoming a crotchety, 10,000-year-old grandma. I know the dangers of brooding, so I find alternatives all the time.
 

*poke*

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As I grow older I dislike people more instantaneously but I am much wiser with being able to immediately and continually love them anyhow.

This is very reassuring to hear. I'm 22 and I find myself already doing that now, and I try to keep the judgments locked away until I need them to guide me in a specific situation. Enough people around me are judgemental and being so impressionable to perceived norms and the people around me, sometimes I have to try super hard to keep growing with regards to loving others/strangers.

One of the ways I teeter on the border between ENFP/ENFJ is that I don't take risks, ever. Can anyone say more about in what ways you still take risks (e.g. things that could be harmful to yourself, to relationships, etc.). What facilitated your growth in that capacity?

I am grateful for having found this thread.
 

Eliaz

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I'm 26 and I tried to mature in the last few years but now I find that I already was the person I wanted to be ! I like being me and trying to fit in to this mould that society wanted for me made me a harder person and much less pleasant.. Although my family and peers were much less annoyed by me, it never really felt like me :)

Just feel confident with your unique personality and don't give in to that feeling that you should censor yourself in any way :D
 

segovois

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I'm 28

I was a shy boy until i was 14, then i became very open, social ... and a bit shallow.

Now I've a strong Te, but only to make things work. I still have so much emotional energy and be lured by new adventures as when i was teenager ...
Since i'm 25, I think I juggle with Ne/Fi or Ne/Te according to the situations.
 
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