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  1. #11
    Post-Humorously stalemate's Avatar
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    I had a phase in my 20s where I "hardened" somewhat toward others. Before that, I always loved everyone and gave people the benefit of the doubt even if they were doing stupid things or whatever. I really just accepted everyone openly. During a few years in my early 20s I started to be more judgmental toward people. Once I realized this was happening it really made me sad and I consciously tried to limit it.

    Also, when I was younger I was more into "following my heart" when it came to career and moving from place to place, etc. In my mid 20s I had a series of moves and things that really just didn't work out at all and was more disrupting/uprooting than I would have like with almost no benefit. It was depressing because I didn't feel like anywhere was "home" until just about 2 years ago (I am 30 now) even though I've lived most of my life within 2 hours of where I grew up. Anyway, after that experience in my mid 20s I value stability so much more now and it has gotten rid of some of my impulsiveness.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by stalemate View Post
    I had a phase in my 20s where I "hardened" somewhat toward others. Before that, I always loved everyone and gave people the benefit of the doubt even if they were doing stupid things or whatever. I really just accepted everyone openly. During a few years in my early 20s I started to be more judgmental toward people. Once I realized this was happening it really made me sad and I consciously tried to limit it.

    Well, I'm actually glad I set boundaries. The boundary setting was actually a positive thing. I just think I went too far into harshness - like going from one extreme to another - and now I'm about finding some balance. Keeping the boundaries without necessarily having to be hard. Unless it's appropriate to be hard - sometimes Te force is a good thing!

    Also, when I was younger I was more into "following my heart" when it came to career and moving from place to place, etc. In my mid 20s I had a series of moves and things that really just didn't work out at all and was more disrupting/uprooting than I would have like with almost no benefit. It was depressing because I didn't feel like anywhere was "home" until just about 2 years ago (I am 30 now) even though I've lived most of my life within 2 hours of where I grew up. Anyway, after that experience in my mid 20s I value stability so much more now and it has gotten rid of some of my impulsiveness.
    Ha, I'm still moving around....I'll think I've settled down for a few years, then no, I've got to go again. But when I was younger I was much more reckless and irresponsible about it. I'm really thrilled that I just LIVED through my late teens and very early twenties. Seriously. I wonder how I managed to survive. Apparently God watches over mentally challenged people, alcoholics, and ENFPs. Not that the three are always mutually exclusive...

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Well, I'm actually glad I set boundaries. The boundary setting was actually a positive thing. I just think I went too far into harshness - like going from one extreme to another - and now I'm about finding some balance. Keeping the boundaries without necessarily having to be hard. Unless it's appropriate to be hard - sometimes Te force is a good thing!
    Boundaries are good. I think I've always had a pretty good grasp on boundaries but what I'm talking about is just more how I feel about people inside my own head. I don't know that anyone would have been able to observe a difference in my behavior. Does that make sense? Kind of like I was starting to move from "he's an interesting person" to "he seems like an idiot" when thinking about new people or something. I guess it could just be that I started meeting more idiots but I doubt it.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by stalemate View Post
    Boundaries are good. I think I've always had a pretty good grasp on boundaries but what I'm talking about is just more how I feel about people inside my own head. I don't know that anyone would have been able to observe a difference in my behavior. Does that make sense? Kind of like I was starting to move from "he's an interesting person" to "he seems like an idiot" when thinking about new people or something. I guess it could just be that I started meeting more idiots but I doubt it.
    Well as a teenager I was pretty much an enabler. I felt sorry for drug addicts, and any sort of outcast from society. I wanted to love and understand every person who didn't fit in. I went out of my way to help people who sometimes I probably shouldn't have helped. I remember handing a homeless man in Vegas $20 one day.

    Now I have very little patience for addicts at all. Like I think they're some of the most selfish people on the face of the earth. I understand that they have an illness, but I don't think I should ever be a professional drug counselor.

    Now I'm more likely to buy a homeless person something to eat instead of giving them money. That's a good thing.

    However, I've just became very harsh with people - just through life experience I've found that so many people are assholes and they disappoint me so much that I've found I'd rather just confront them about their bullshit.

    The boundaries are good. The extreme judgments and lack of tolerance sometimes are not.

  5. #15
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    I see what you mean now. I am not very harsh outwardly toward people, but my inner core has gotten harder I guess.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Actually Te has helped me greatly in my life, and I don't see Fe as a "hardening function" like Te.
    Sorry, I was not entirely clear. Rereading what I said tells me it sounds like an impassioned ramble. Regarding Fe, I think just in relation to social norms etc, I like that in many ways I was just a bit odd or more enthusiastic than decorum permits or not limited by the standard social expectations, without necessarily being crazy all the time. And strengthening of Fe in some ways speaks of giving up one's dreams and being a tad more practical etc... All things that I can objectively recognise as being sensible options sometimes but in my heart of hearts sounds awful and as though I am failing in my duty to be true to myself...
    If there is anyone who is in the sun would you help me to understand? 'Cause I've been caught in between, all you wish for and all you mean. Oh now maybe you're not even sure, what it's for anymore than me...

    -Joseph Arthur, In The Sun

    If I find my way, how much will I find?

  7. #17
    Senior Member pyramid's Avatar
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    As I grow older I dislike people more instantaneously but I am much wiser with being able to immediately and continually love them anyhow.

    I have more discerning qualities now that I don't see as hard, limiting, or narrowing, but rather are helping me find, form, and detail my path. I put daily effort into not being/becoming a crotchety, 10,000-year-old grandma. I know the dangers of brooding, so I find alternatives all the time.
    PURE LOVE ENFP. IEE. 9w1 (0). Saggitarius. Jupiter! FIRE!

    ~It is only the benevolent man who is capable of liking or disliking other men.
    - Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
    ~Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
    - Learn as though you would never be able to master it; hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by pyramid View Post
    As I grow older I dislike people more instantaneously but I am much wiser with being able to immediately and continually love them anyhow.
    This is very reassuring to hear. I'm 22 and I find myself already doing that now, and I try to keep the judgments locked away until I need them to guide me in a specific situation. Enough people around me are judgemental and being so impressionable to perceived norms and the people around me, sometimes I have to try super hard to keep growing with regards to loving others/strangers.

    One of the ways I teeter on the border between ENFP/ENFJ is that I don't take risks, ever. Can anyone say more about in what ways you still take risks (e.g. things that could be harmful to yourself, to relationships, etc.). What facilitated your growth in that capacity?

    I am grateful for having found this thread.

  9. #19
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    I'm 26 and I tried to mature in the last few years but now I find that I already was the person I wanted to be ! I like being me and trying to fit in to this mould that society wanted for me made me a harder person and much less pleasant.. Although my family and peers were much less annoyed by me, it never really felt like me

    Just feel confident with your unique personality and don't give in to that feeling that you should censor yourself in any way

  10. #20
    Member segovois's Avatar
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    I'm 28

    I was a shy boy until i was 14, then i became very open, social ... and a bit shallow.

    Now I've a strong Te, but only to make things work. I still have so much emotional energy and be lured by new adventures as when i was teenager ...
    Since i'm 25, I think I juggle with Ne/Fi or Ne/Te according to the situations.

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