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[ENFJ] Common ENFJ Issues

My Fe burns like a white-hot volcano deep inside my...


  • Total voters
    69

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I think having one of these bad boys for the ENFJs fits quite nicely with the others. So shiny. So... shiny... *eye spirals*

I feel a little unqualified for some stupid reason (I hate reason! Get outta here!) to start this thread because my E/I axis is nearly balanced with one beating out the other at any given time, but big fat whatever!

I learn a lot from the NFJs here.

So learn me. *whips out little slate and chalk and kicks Tom Sawyer*
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
Joined
Dec 10, 2009
Messages
2,963
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4w5
:heart: I contemplated starting this, but am not concise enough at the moment. Soon, i'll try to rally thoughts.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
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sx/so
Excellent news, my fine lady. I can hardly wait to hear your lucid and insightful inputs.

*Reality leaking like a sieve
*Great expectations that become obsessive drives when it's clear I'm asking too much of myself or my situation
*Others' emotions lodging in me like bullets
*The need to make mean or nasty things less so because it's so hard to accept or process through
*Being oblivious to my surroundings
*The need to make very bad situations "okay" for myself or others even if I have to lie to myself or gloss over the worst parts for others so I/they can cope
*Putting my needs dead last/overextending myself
*Becoming overwhelmed by all the terrible things in the world and becoming furiously angry/depressed
*Feeling a need to perform and be pleasing 24/7
*Bluntness (standing in stark contrast to my "cushioning" of blows)
*Bad tempered and/or moodiness
*Need to be left alone for hours each day
*Awful scathing sarcasm when really angry
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
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14,497
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INFJ
I'm glad that you guys are doing this. So here's a start: Where do common areas of conflict come up between you and other types? Secondly, in what ways are your actions/behaviours sometimes not understood or misconstrued? Finally, what are any leftover things you have to add to the mix that may or may not be ENFJ issues?

I do know that while ENFJs are both genuine and personable, many people don't really get to know them. They will even steer conversation away from themselves. I'm guessing it has something to do with not being sure if 1) The other person is really that interested 2) They can handle their intensity 3) They are used to taking that role with other people so it feels unnatural or selfish to talk about their own problems 4) Only a very select core group of people know who they really are and it takes time to build up that kind of trust. Don't know though.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
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Messages
14,497
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Putting needs last and others emotions lodging like bullets is definitely something I've seen in my mum.
 

Sparrow

New member
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May 28, 2010
Messages
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so/sx
Issues I am trying to work on currently:

-Being so loyal to someone to the point of feeling used by them :|

-Making excuses for people who are really in the wrong

-Not taking a time out for myself...Im finally doing that for the first time in a while, got in to a huge fight about it with the old ball n chain. But here I am alone, it feels great :)....it was much needed.

-Taking things way to personally all the time & needing validation from others

-Obsessing over problems to the point of insomnia

-Letting other peoples feelings & problems take over my own

-Not knowing boundaries...being nice to everyone can be dangerous

-Letting things build up inside to the point of exploding anger

Any tips from other types or ENFJ's are welcomed :) Damn, I feel like a hot mess!
 

Sparrow

New member
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I do know that while ENFJs are both genuine and personable, many people don't really get to know them. They will even steer conversation away from themselves. I'm guessing it has something to do with not being sure if 1) The other person is really that interested 2) They can handle their intensity 3) They are used to taking that role with other people so it feels unnatural or selfish to talk about their own problems 4) Only a very select core group of people know who they really are and it takes time to build up that kind of trust. Don't know though.

Yes, Yes, Yes, & Yes :). I dunno, I feel like conversation is an art form that some people (not all) aren't really good at. I have no problem opening up if I felt like the other person really cared.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
Yes, Yes, Yes, & Yes :). I dunno, I feel like conversation is an art form that some people (not all) aren't really good at. I have no problem opening up if I felt like the other person really cared.

Kinda difficult to know if the other person really cares over the internet, other than quoting your text, and responding to your Fe Ni. I'm backwards, I'm Ni Fe. Sorta the same thing, but I need alone time, and you need people time.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
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sx/so
I'm glad that you guys are doing this. So here's a start: Where do common areas of conflict come up between you and other types?

When I sense that they aren't extending themselves for the greater good. Selfishness really makes me mad. On the flip side of that, I'm very self-contained and perhaps that to is a form of selfishness.

When I sense that they are taxing others' patience by taking advantage of their good manners. Rudeness is arrogance and a clear signal that someone thinks too highly of themselves.

When I see that someone is acting out (even when it's subtle) or enshrining their feelings. I will not wade through that morass. Grow up.

I can't explain just how I know someone is being disingenuous. I just know. And I have found myself alone because I'm intolerant of it.


Secondly, in what ways are your actions/behaviours sometimes not understood or misconstrued?

That my kindess or personable approach to people is just a show.

Finally, what are any leftover things you have to add to the mix that may or may not be ENFJ issues?

I'm moody, and it's usually because I haven't had a chance to process through things. I despair of the "process". I'm CONSTANTLY processing, and I can't control it. NOTHING rolls off of me. I see a toxic person coming my way, and my first instinct is to run for it or hit them over the nead with a board just to avoid having to detoxify myself from absorbing their garbage. It's like being Rogue from the X-Men only without the spandex outfit and cool powers.

I do know that while ENFJs are both genuine and personable, many people don't really get to know them. They will even steer conversation away from themselves. I'm guessing it has something to do with not being sure if 1) The other person is really that interested 2) They can handle their intensity 3) They are used to taking that role with other people so it feels unnatural or selfish to talk about their own problems 4) Only a very select core group of people know who they really are and it takes time to build up that kind of trust. Don't know though

I rope myself off from people. It's a kneejerk response. My ENFP twin has the ability to see me as clearly as anyone can see me because she grew up with me and I can't put on a facade. The facade is there to protect ME and guarantee the best outcome. If someone hurts my facade, it doesn't get to me so easily. They're like turtle shells.

Recently, when I had to sell some of our jewelry to make ends meet, I was a little nervous about being in a pawnshop - I had never been in one before and wasn't sure of the process. I got dolled up because people respond better to you when you look nice. My mother parked the car and let me go in by myself because I "work" better solo, and she knows that. When I have to "work" a situation or person, no one who knows me can be present because they might consider my behavior exaggerated. I have to pour on whatever charm I know will benefit me in that moment -whether it's subtle and mirroring my host, or it's very warm and casual.

In this case, I was warm and casual. I leaned on the glass case on my elbows like I didn't have a care in the world. I explained each piece of jewelry to my host with funny stories which he responded well to. I have to get them (whoever THEM is) on my side when there's something important at stake.

I feel weird explaining that just now because I know it's just going to reconfirm the negative stigmas people have about ENFJs being chameleons and body snatchers.

I don't do this to my friends. My warmness to strangers isn't fake either. My warmth to the pawn shop guy wasn't fake - after a minute, I knew that he was a really nice person.

Yes. Getting to see the real me is a nightmare sometimes, but trust me when I say that what you see in me is real and very much me. I'm not being nice to you because I'm trying to manipulate you. If I don't like you, you'll get the frosty claws.

I've noticed the use of personas in a lot of NFJs. We need a lot of time to ourselves.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Excellent news, my fine lady. I can hardly wait to hear your lucid and insightful inputs.

*Reality leaking like a sieve
*Great expectations that become obsessive drives when it's clear I'm asking too much of myself or my situation
*Others' emotions lodging in me like bullets
*The need to make mean or nasty things less so because it's so hard to accept or process through
*Being oblivious to my surroundings
*The need to make very bad situations "okay" for myself or others even if I have to lie to myself or gloss over the worst parts for others so I/they can cope
*Putting my needs dead last/overextending myself
*Becoming overwhelmed by all the terrible things in the world and becoming furiously angry/depressed
*Feeling a need to perform and be pleasing 24/7
*Bluntness (standing in stark contrast to my "cushioning" of blows)
*Bad tempered and/or moodiness
*Need to be left alone for hours each day
*Awful scathing sarcasm when really angry
Add to that:
manipulation when pissed.
The constant battle of trying to please others and trying to be yourself.
The pull to take on others' problems even when it may be none of our business
Being too hard on ourselves
Some of us can be major "martyr types" (not me)
Hard to get to know and can seem closed off (come off way too formal and uptight)
Can talk too much
If we judge too hastily, we can up with some really wacky conclusions
We can come off really "definite" and "absolute". It can come off judgmental whether or not we really feel that way about a topic.
Can play devil's advocate and staunchly argue a position we don't necessarily believe in and be idiosyncratic with our beliefs (maybe more of a personal issue)
With me personally, I like to test people to see how they will react (typically not harmful things but it still probably isn't the best thing to do).

....You have me nailed.
 

Sparrow

New member
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Messages
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Kinda difficult to know if the other person really cares over the internet, other than quoting your text, and responding to your Fe Ni. I'm backwards, I'm Ni Fe. Sorta the same thing, but I need alone time, and you need people time.

I guess more so in person :). Typology Central seems like a place where people actually give a damn, I likey.
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
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I feel weird explaining that just now because I know it's just going to reconfirm the negative stigmas people have about ENFJs being chameleons and body snatchers.

I don't do this to my friends. My warmness to strangers isn't fake either. My warmth to the pawn shop guy wasn't fake - after a minute, I knew that he was a really nice person.

aw, body snatchers. ENFPs get "chameleon" too.

anyway, i just want to point out, that i find this ability brilliant. i'm close with two Fe doms - my mom being one of them - and they are amazing at this too, and i know that the warmth is genuine. tempered to fit the situation, sure, but genuine in origin nonetheless. i feel really lucky to have been able to learn some of this from mom, because i'm not very good at it naturally.

not to like, worship or anything, i just want to point out my appreciation :yes:

the irony, if anything, is that the only reason i really ever see the Fe doms i know use outright manipulation is for someone/a group important to them. Fi would do it too if it had better skillz :laugh:
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
Can play devil's advocate and staunchly argue a position we don't necessarily believe in and be idiosyncratic with our beliefs (maybe more of a personal issue)

Hmmmm, I wonder about this one. That seems to go against the genuine feel that ENFJ's are said to have. Could you elaborate? You say it may be a personal issue though so you mean you specifically I suppose. Nevermind. However, if others can attest to this as well, then how do you cope with defending something you don't believe in?
 

La de Longe

New member
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Feb 24, 2009
Messages
26
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infj
anyway, i just want to point out, that i find this ability brilliant. i'm close with two Fe doms - my mom being one of them - and they are amazing at this too, and i know that the warmth is genuine. tempered to fit the situation, sure, but genuine in origin nonetheless. i feel really lucky to have been able to learn some of this from mom, because i'm not very good at it naturally.

Seriously. I only wish that I could be that engaging around strangers anyone, but I guess I see how an ENFJ might feel that that persona is insincere, because sometimes it does seem insincere. I don't have very many complaints about ENFJs, but oftentimes I am reluctant to warm-up to what appears to be over-enthusiasm, but I think "are you being that nice because you genuinely like me or are you just that way to everyone or do you want something from me." Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

I'd like to ask whether/how you guys cope with feeling like people don't really know the "real" you. I know an ENFJ who was in my close group of friends throughout most of college. As a casual friend he was the most charming, likable, seemingly empathetic and helpful person you could ever hope for, but usually whenever I tried to talk with him on a more personal level (like I tend to do with my good friends) he seemed to shut down. Other people experienced this with him too. I know all Fe-doms aren't like this, but do any of you relate?
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Hmmmm, I wonder about this one. That seems to go against the genuine feel that ENFJ's are said to have. Could you elaborate? You say it may be a personal issue though so you mean you specifically I suppose. Nevermind. However, if others can attest to this as well, then how do you cope with defending something you don't believe in?
Not necessarily. It's more like the other person seems really one-sided on a topic so I prod them to see the other side(s). Also, I try to gauge where someone is on a particular topic. From all that babbling, I do it mostly to understand an opposing POV. There's also one repulsive possibility that I don't think I should vocalize. Sorry, if none of that makes any sense.
 

_dp

New member
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Oct 11, 2009
Messages
37
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enfj
Enneagram
1w2
lol. nitpick - there's no anterior vena cava that i know of :)
about time enfjs got a thread though =] haha

personally i think sometimes i can justify whatever controversial actions i do by thinking that it is for the greater good... which isn't so good at times, especially if i actually have dodgy motives. i don't know, sometime's it's hard to say/tell
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
Not necessarily. It's more like the other person seems really one-sided on a topic so I prod them to see the other side(s). Also, I try to gauge where someone is on a particular topic. From all that babbling, I do it mostly to understand an opposing POV. There's also one repulsive possibility that I don't think I should vocalize. Sorry, if none of that makes any sense.

That makes sense.
 

Chill

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
26
MBTI Type
INFP
Hi, I'm new.

I've been wondering these past few days, with all due respect, are ENFJs prone to white lies if they think they may be hurting you? I've approached an ENFJ good friend about her tendency to change a particular topic and avoid giving the whole truth. Although she said she did not mean to and she knew I felt them out (the white lies), she still did it, is now still on the same page and I'm left dumbstruck.

I thought by talking things through with her she would make an attempt to shed more light into that topic with me but I find myself back at square one.

Now, I'm torn between putting up with those white lies (don't know how much longer I can be patient) pretending that I did not catch them, and calling her out on them for the second time, which seems like a dreadful thing for me to do. Granted, the first time was a difficult decision, but I'm grateful she responded well and even said toward the end, "I'm glad we talked".

Any input would be much appreciated.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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I learned to just - BLAM! - say it as I got older and realized that neither the subject nor I would crumble by saying the hard things. Cushioning is okay. Diplomacy and tact are okay. But white-lying isn't a good road to go down because ultimately you both feel like you've done something weird. I adopted a "do you really want to know?" strategy and when I get verification, I just spill it.

Just tell her to let if fly. "Don't worry about me! Just SAY it!" Does she correctly (or incorrectly) perceive you as brittle or emotionally unstable?

However, if you're dying, I'm lying. I want death to take you unaware, unless you REALLY wanna know. Just sayin'. lol
 

Aquarelle

Starcrossed Seafarer
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Jun 16, 2010
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so/sp
-Not knowing boundaries...being nice to everyone can be dangerous

My ENFJ BFF has this problem majorly... she is constantly getting into predicaments because she gave someone the wrong idea by being too nice/friendly with them. When she tells me this kind of story, all I can do is shake my head....
 
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