But the paranoia does not extend to 'wait, did I just forget to congratulate her on her birthday, should I have brought the hostess a gift, how will this look to other people? Coz I'll follow your paranoia and raise you mine on thatI should say that I become paranoid that I'm going to do or say something intrusive or completely off-base. I just assume that I'm wrong for some reason. *laugh*
I see.. If I'm honest, the times that I was imprisonned by that state, especially for longer durations (and yes, it does feel like a prison to me, or rather...kinda like those bondage clothes they made women wear back in the day!), it was pure and utter hell. I imagine it's probably more pleasant and bearable if you're adept at it, and it comes to you naturally.If you aren't born into the body of Fe, it would be like being in hell. I already find it awful at times, like it's some huge cosmic joke on me. I'm glad I have the near equal strength of my Ni to bring the dragon to heel. When I find myself paying attention to other Fe primaries, or even the force of Fe tertiary users, I'm struck by the very nature of it, even cowed or a little alarmed by it.
I have no idea how you survived that. I would have run away like a scared rabbit for the nearest forest.
But I also understand now what you mean with burning like fire...and it also starts to dawn on me what Protean means when she's offended by the mere suggestion that Fi-users would feel more intensily.
When I was forced into that state it made me feel all the raw emotions of everyone around. And I couldn't escape. At all. Even worse were the expectations, needs and demands of everyone around. It consumed me. Made me lose myself. I can see why someone would wanna create order and maintain harmony in that kind of environment. Coz otherwise it just feels like drowning or worse even, like there's no air.
I'll tell you how I survived: I learned not to take up space and isolate myself from them (which resulted in resentment and them lamenting 'me being weird and difficult' and in my being lonely and starving for intense connections). I literally felt like there wasn't room for me to breathe without offending others.
How do you experience it? Tell me why you enjoy it if you do at all, and how?
It also made me feel claustrophobic to process that many different kinds of emotions at the same time from a big group. I have no idea how you guys manage to keep that up for long amounts of time. I also now understand the need to harmonize them all into that 'blue light beam' that was used in a couple of threads to describe that one unified emotion you are looking for. It's the only way *not* to go mad. The chaos is deafening otherwise. I see the need for order and direction. I admire you for even attempting such a difficult task.
Fe feels to me like being stuck in a crowded room with no way out, everyone yelling and being disgruntled and not even enough elbow space, let alone being able to move. In that way, it's f*cking intense, overwhelming and very much. It's also right in your face, which is where the intensity comes from. You guys are in the situation itself, at the core of it. At the heart.
Fi has that same intensity when it's experiencing something, or someone. Preferably one on one. But it's a more pure emotion. It's one or several but all with the same energy signature. And it's more detached in its own. In that regard it's not as intense as Fe. It takes a step back to analyse and puzzle, instead of standing at the core and getting your hands dirty in order to create order in this mayham. It cocoons. It's just as intense in that it processes those emotions internally and man, that can be a frigging intense volcano. It feels like there's no more room inside of you...like you're a volcano with pressure building up. And when it errupts...nobody wants to be around you. But it's not suffocating. It's just seething. It doesn't encroach on your personal space. It just consumes your mind, body and soul completely. And the only way to really deal with it is...to surrender to it. And know that the fire won't kill you. It'll just make you aware that you're alive, by sheer extacy and pain. You can do the same while gently opening up someone elses volcano (no, no dirty minds!), allowing some of the pressure to escape, with the risk of them blowing up on you while you're close, but once again..it won't kill you if you stand closely to the blast, if you surrender to it and are prepared for it. It just hurts like hell.
To me, it feels like this:
Fe's a raging forest fire which the trees cannot escape. And you try and put out as many fires as you can, as otherwise it can spread to become even worse.
Fi's a sleeping volcano in the middle of the ocean, ready to blow, while trying to allow for some holes through which the pressure can escape. Tossing water on the lava though...big mistake
Both are painful, intense and dangerous in their own right. But also very rewarding if you pull it off
Thank you so much, Domino. You've given me a lot to ponder on.
If I may be so bold as to ask...since you have a twin who's a Fi-user...do you relate at all to what I've described on Fi, to what you may have read in the NFP common issues threads? Did you by any chance experience Fi yourself, and relate to the difference I've laid out here, and if not, how was it different for you?