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  1. #11
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
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    Some of this sounds like my ENFJ Mom. She very frequently makes herself responsible for a hoard of things and expresses frustration over it.

    I agree with the internal stressors leading to external stability. ENFJs have this need to show themselves as capable and able to do for others when they can't maintain their inner world. There's this pull to not ask for help and this misconception that the strength we convey is more beneficial to the people around us.
    My advice, on top of the advice already given, is to tell her you would personally feel better if you could help. Really, talk that up. If she is more and more aware that her capability isn't beneficial to you, she may be more prone to back away and let you take over. Show when you are pleased that she is relaxing and when you are in control.

    Even if she is your Mom and has lived a lot of life, the odds of this sinking in as a pleasant surprise to her are high.
    Replace the external stability that she isn't in control of as much with relaxed external activities/hobbies she can have say over.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

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    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  2. #12
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Thank you! I am going to try it.

  3. #13
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    If I'm worried or agitated, I'll Se the heck outta myself. I tend to worry more about those that are closest to me as well when I'm in that sort of mental state. The motto burned into my primal brain has always been "If we're going down, we're going down swinging" and it gets applied to a wide range of things that I can neither budge nor escape.

    I may obsess over my body, obsess over the comfort of my inner circle, feel the compulsive need to overextend myself. The very idea of becoming marginalized or obsolete is terrifying. If that means picking all the little bones out of Sparrow's fish, then so be it. If I did it myself, not only am I sure it was done right, I can blame only myself if something goes wrong.

    Our natural mindset is to act as a body shield for our beloveds. I came to understand recently that I live to be needed by others. I'm not sure how deep that well runs yet, it's such a new concept to me. I'm not willing to intrude on others or make myself noxious, but when I'm not needed it feels like I'm evaporating. I view myself almost as a Cheshire Cat where you can only see my eyes and whiskers when no one is around.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  4. #14
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think even as an INFJ, I'm that way too (although if I remember right both you and I are somewhere between the two types - you lean a little more ENFJ and me and little more INFJ). It has reached a point with my siblings that there is nothing I can do for them and they are taking advantage of anything they are given, but I'm finding it hard to show my love in any other way. Then I feel like a sucker for continuing to do that stuff when it's not valued and is facilitating more dysfunctional behaviour.

    My mum does become really solicitous though in times like this. This is also making me realize that even though I knew she was under stress all year, because she showed it less (and is superwoman), probably that was her only avenue for it coming out. I've also been far, far away for over 10 years and the other kids have been drifting for a long time, so I can see where she needs to feel that she is looking after me well.

  5. #15
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Then it's time to hit your siblings with a great big stick you found in the yard. Heck, I'll throw a bunch of pretty awesome sticks in the back of the pick-up and head on over. *morbid laugh* We can shout loving things at them while we whack and chase them hither and yon. It's for the best for everyone.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #16
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    And just to make mention, yes, we do create dependencies. I want to be near the center of circulation at all times, and I let it exhaust me. I know that Mother Theresa wasn't an ENFJ, but when I learned that a big part of her ministry was to be with the dying so they wouldn't die alone, it hit me so hard it made me breathless. I felt it at my core. I think what drives me so powerfully is to be that "go to" person when you have nothing left. I don't just mean death as an entity, I mean the small exits people make everyday, their transitions. I want to take the fear and indignity away. I overextend myself horribly trying to be the gatekeeper for everyone.

    There's this song I used to love by Joe Cocker - "When the Night Comes". The lyrics were coming out of me as if I'd written them.

    Hold On
    I'll Be Back For You, It Wont Be Long
    But For Now There's Something There That's Calling Me
    So Take Me Down That Lonesome Road
    Point Me East And Let Me Go
    This Suitcase Weighs Me Down With Memories

    I Just Want To Be The One You Run To
    I Just Want To Be The One You Come To
    I Just Want To Be There With Someone When The Night Comes
    Let's Put All Our Cares Behind Us
    And Go Where They'll Never Find Us
    I Just Want To Be There Beside You
    When The Night Comes

    Two Spirits In The Night
    We Can Leave Before The Morning Light
    When There's Nothing Left To Lose
    There's Nothing Left To Fear
    So Meet Me On The Edge Of Town
    Won't Keep You Waiting, I'll Be Around
    Then You And I Will Just Roll Right Out Of Here

    I Know There Will Be A Time For You And I
    Just Take My Hand And Run Away
    Pick Up All The Pieces Of This Shattered Dream
    We'll Make It Out Some Day...
    I want to do this for my inner circle. I found myself saying "You can break down with me, I won't let anyone near..." a lot.

    I wonder if this is why I have to spend so much time alone.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  7. #17
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Domino View Post
    Then it's time to hit your siblings with a great big stick you found in the yard. Heck, I'll throw a bunch of pretty awesome sticks in the back of the pick-up and head on over. *morbid laugh* We can shout loving things at them while we whack and chase them hither and yon. It's for the best for everyone.
    Awesome! LadyJaye may come too!

  8. #18
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Domino View Post
    And just to make mention, yes, we do create dependencies. I want to be near the center of circulation at all times, and I let it exhaust me. I know that Mother Theresa wasn't an ENFJ, but when I learned that a big part of her ministry was to be with the dying so they wouldn't die alone, it hit me so hard it made me breathless. I felt it at my core. I think what drives me so powerfully is to be that "go to" person when you have nothing left. I don't just mean death as an entity, I mean the small exits people make everyday, their transitions. I want to take the fear and indignity away. I overextend myself horribly trying to be the gatekeeper for everyone.

    There's this song I used to love by Joe Cocker - "When the Night Comes". The lyrics were coming out of me as if I'd written them.



    I want to do this for my inner circle. I found myself saying "You can break down with me, I won't let anyone near..." a lot.

    I wonder if this is why I have to spend so much time alone.

    How can others be that for you sometimes and just let you rest and be protected and cared for without you feeling guilty?

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