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  1. #1
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    Default Overly Idyllic about relationships?

    For most of my life, ive had crushes very rarely, but when i did it was head over heels putting them on a pedastal in love/obsessed

    I just got out of an awful relationship this year where i had originally idealized an ENTP and was then let down quite a bit.

    I was talking to my ISTJ friend and he was telling me i have to just ask people out that i like a little bit rather than waiting around for that overwhelming feeling to come. He said that i'd grow to feel so deeply about them except that it would be genuine rather than all imagined as before.

    I know he's right but i can't imagine myself asking out someone i dont feel that way about.

    Any other idealists have the same problem? Help me!

  2. #2
    Senor Membrane
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    I don't know. It sounds too pragmatic a strategy. Personally, I couldn't motivate myself into doing that. Too lazy to not aim high...

    At the moment I am trying to develop my sense of reality. It should be enough against idolatry.

  3. #3
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    I do the same thing. Sometimes, too quickly. So quickly, that I'm ashamed of it, and hold back what I really feel. I'm just too shy and boring.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I wouldn't ask anyone out if I wasn't completely invested already, so I understand you. I wouldn't kiss someone if I wasn't completely invested already either.

    I think you should enjoy being single and not regard a relationship as an end but a means. A means to happiness. There are many. True, enjoyable, meaningful relationships will always come to be in a natural way. You can't concoct. That's why I don't believe in dating.

    And yes idealizing is dangerous. Cultivate your cynicism. Things are never quite what they seem at first glance. Don't be afraid to be hard on people. Grow only happens if one sweats.

    People often are very accepting of others in the beginning stages, and judging after a while. Try to invert that. Be judging, selective and unapologetic in the begging....and bask in the acceptance and joy of the relationship after that, if you have gone past the judging stages.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    At the moment I am trying to develop my sense of reality. It should be enough against idolatry.
    Yes, I completely agree with this.

    To the OP, instead of letting yourself fall into the trap of obsessive and overwhelming feelings, try to take a step back from them. This is probably so much easier said than done, but since you have had bad experiences of idealizing people too much, you have a possibility to learn from them. Observe the people you're with and observe your feelings as they come and then stop for a while to assess whether it goes together with the reality, is what you see and feel really what it seems to be.

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Im not an NF, but i got pretty strong Fi and kinda got the same problem. except than being an intp i keep on observing the person for so long that its too late for anything to happen.. I know that i should just try to find someone that i could possibly see myself atleast going for a second date, but i feel it would be wrong to date someone im not really that interested in, i feel like i would be leading her on and leading someone on and not being interested on her is really wrong in my opinion.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    I know that i should just try to find someone that i could possibly see myself atleast going for a second date, but i feel it would be wrong to date someone im not really that interested in, i feel like i would be leading her on and leading someone on and not being interested on her is really wrong in my opinion.
    This makes you an INFP

  8. #8
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    This makes you an INFP
    INTJs do that also from their tertiary Fi. I agree. It takes me a while to really like someone but once I do, I am head over heels completely.

  9. #9
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Ah, I've done that. Dated some one I'd hoped I'd fall for. I didn't feel the chemistry, and never felt the chemistry. I felt like a bitch too. I still feel guilty for it some times. I dumped him for precisely that reason....I felt terrible.
    It's much more real to me, dating some one you like. Even if it doesn't work out, it's more satisfying.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    This makes you an INFP
    tolla asialla ei kyl sovi vitsailla
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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