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[MBTI General] Overly Idyllic about relationships?

Emectar

New member
Joined
May 17, 2010
Messages
149
MBTI Type
ENFP
For most of my life, ive had crushes very rarely, but when i did it was head over heels putting them on a pedastal in love/obsessed

I just got out of an awful relationship this year where i had originally idealized an ENTP and was then let down quite a bit.

I was talking to my ISTJ friend and he was telling me i have to just ask people out that i like a little bit rather than waiting around for that overwhelming feeling to come. He said that i'd grow to feel so deeply about them except that it would be genuine rather than all imagined as before.

I know he's right but i can't imagine myself asking out someone i dont feel that way about.

Any other idealists have the same problem? Help me! :(
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I don't know. It sounds too pragmatic a strategy. Personally, I couldn't motivate myself into doing that. Too lazy to not aim high...

At the moment I am trying to develop my sense of reality. It should be enough against idolatry.
 

angell_m

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
818
MBTI Type
IxFx
Enneagram
5w4
I do the same thing. Sometimes, too quickly. So quickly, that I'm ashamed of it, and hold back what I really feel. I'm just too shy and boring.
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I wouldn't ask anyone out if I wasn't completely invested already, so I understand you. I wouldn't kiss someone if I wasn't completely invested already either.

I think you should enjoy being single and not regard a relationship as an end but a means. A means to happiness. There are many. True, enjoyable, meaningful relationships will always come to be in a natural way. You can't concoct. That's why I don't believe in dating.

And yes idealizing is dangerous. Cultivate your cynicism. Things are never quite what they seem at first glance. Don't be afraid to be hard on people. Grow only happens if one sweats.

People often are very accepting of others in the beginning stages, and judging after a while. Try to invert that. Be judging, selective and unapologetic in the begging....and bask in the acceptance and joy of the relationship after that, if you have gone past the judging stages.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
At the moment I am trying to develop my sense of reality. It should be enough against idolatry.

Yes, I completely agree with this.

To the OP, instead of letting yourself fall into the trap of obsessive and overwhelming feelings, try to take a step back from them. This is probably so much easier said than done, but since you have had bad experiences of idealizing people too much, you have a possibility to learn from them. Observe the people you're with and observe your feelings as they come and then stop for a while to assess whether it goes together with the reality, is what you see and feel really what it seems to be.
 

INTP

Active member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
7,803
MBTI Type
intp
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx
Im not an NF, but i got pretty strong Fi and kinda got the same problem. except than being an intp i keep on observing the person for so long that its too late for anything to happen.. I know that i should just try to find someone that i could possibly see myself atleast going for a second date, but i feel it would be wrong to date someone im not really that interested in, i feel like i would be leading her on and leading someone on and not being interested on her is really wrong in my opinion.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I know that i should just try to find someone that i could possibly see myself atleast going for a second date, but i feel it would be wrong to date someone im not really that interested in, i feel like i would be leading her on and leading someone on and not being interested on her is really wrong in my opinion.

This makes you an INFP :smile:
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
This makes you an INFP :smile:

INTJs do that also from their tertiary Fi. I agree. It takes me a while to really like someone but once I do, I am head over heels completely.
 

CrystalViolet

lab rat extraordinaire
Joined
Oct 24, 2008
Messages
2,152
MBTI Type
XNFP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Ah, I've done that. Dated some one I'd hoped I'd fall for. I didn't feel the chemistry, and never felt the chemistry. I felt like a bitch too. I still feel guilty for it some times. I dumped him for precisely that reason....I felt terrible.
It's much more real to me, dating some one you like. Even if it doesn't work out, it's more satisfying.
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
Joined
Apr 3, 2009
Messages
3,053
MBTI Type
E.T.
Enneagram
7w8
I have problems with love, but that's because I believe it only exists in movies, books and screenplays. I see it as something necessary to get some satisfaction and to make the human race survive, however you don't need love for any of those anymore as vibrators, porn and sperm donation also help creating life ans satisfaction nowadays. Therefore love is completely useless and just for fun, if you like it.
 

Emectar

New member
Joined
May 17, 2010
Messages
149
MBTI Type
ENFP
Alright, so what i gather from most of you is that at least as an idealizing person, i shouldnt try and make things work but wait for that overpowering feeling. I guess my question then is how do i make sure that im not totally blind when it happens? How do i make sure im not rushing into something thats just inherently bad for me?
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Alright, so what i gather from most of you is that at least as an idealizing person, i shouldnt try and make things work but wait for that overpowering feeling. I guess my question then is how do i make sure that im not totally blind when it happens? How do i make sure im not rushing into something thats just inherently bad for me?

Use your time when you are single to objectively think about what you'd like or not like in a partner. Keep asking yourself questions of what you are or are not able to live with.

That when you are "blinded"...breathe in and out and recall all those questions and answers. Relationships are as much about feelings as they are about logic.
 

Sparrow

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I wouldn't ask anyone out if I wasn't completely invested already, so I understand you. I wouldn't kiss someone if I wasn't completely invested already either.

I think you should enjoy being single and not regard a relationship as an end but a means. A means to happiness. There are many. True, enjoyable, meaningful relationships will always come to be in a natural way. You can't concoct. That's why I don't believe in dating.

And yes idealizing is dangerous. Cultivate your cynicism. Things are never quite what they seem at first glance. Don't be afraid to be hard on people. Grow only happens if one sweats.

People often are very accepting of others in the beginning stages, and judging after a while. Try to invert that. Be judging, selective and unapologetic in the begging....and bask in the acceptance and joy of the relationship after that, if you have gone past the judging stages.

Words of wisdom! Thanks for the reminder, I ll remember that for the next time around :).
 
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