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Thread: INFJ - Should I be concerned about bf texting ex wife?

  1. #1
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    Jun 2010

    Default INFJ - Should I be concerned about bf texting ex wife?

    I'm having trust issues with this great guy I've been dating for a few years. It comes and goes and I'm not sure there's any real reason for it. The only thing that triggers it is when his ex wife texts him and he writes her back. (They don't have any kids.) I know she wants him back and I'm pretty sure he could care less. He's told me in the past that he wishes he would have married me instead of her b/c it was a mistake (she cheated on him). He'll also say he's never been happier, loves me so much, etc. So why do I feel so insecure when he writes her back? And WHY does he write her back at all? He's a very no-bullshit type of guy for the most part, but sometimes I feel like he likes that little bit of contact with her.

    I've been cheated on in the past and every time I found out, it was a gut feeling. They would lie to my face even though I had heard things from numerous people. I would finally break down and look at their phone or email and find messages from another girl. This was more for just proof to end things. I WILL NOT go there with this guy... That's really not my style. When I think realistically about it, I feel like it's just past issues that are making me feel this way. I've talked to him about them staying in contact and how I don't like it, but he still texts her occasionally.

    He once showed me their conversation - it went something like:

    her: What's your address again? Sorry, I forgot. That's terrible, I know.
    him: wow, you really are trying to forget about me. haha (gave his address)
    her: thanks! i hope you're doing well! give the dogs love for me!
    him: i hope you're well too. give the cats my love.

    (When they split, she kept the cats, he kept the dogs.)

    Should I just let this go, or should I address this again b/c of my gut feeling that I'm not hearing the whole story? God, I really hate baggage.

  2. #2
    Member Array kccrush's Avatar
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    Apr 2010


    Hi, I totally feel for you. I totally understand how it is hard to not be suspicious of something that burned you the first time. I think you have to be on guard, but you need to also let it go. If you don't then you won't maximize the potential of this relationship today, and you'll constantly struggle with this silent white elephant you've created that's haunting your relationship.

    I would do a couple of things. I would let her bf know that you have had a bad experience before with this and you respect his need to speak to her but would really prefer that he not. That way he knows that any conversations he has should be minimized. Then I would also say that as a person you want to grow and you're making a conscious effort to break away from these feelings of suspicion. (that way he knows you are trying and that the effort isn't just on his end.) Then you let it go and you really do make an effort. You stop focusing on this and you focus on other things in your relationship or other things that make you happy.

    The stronger the relationship you build now, the stronger the bonds will be to eliminate and potential harm that could be caused by his ex-wife talking to him.

    I hope that makes sense! Good luck.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array
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    Oct 2008


    Who says they wish to marry you instead. That's crap. They should leave the past in the past and not bring it up. If he really wanted you, he would not care about anything that she says and cut ties unless it was an emergency. What is it with people and their exes? Do they need options in case it doesn't work out, some kind of safety net. He needs to grow up and take you seriously. Almost sounds like he's on extended rebound. It's not wrong to bring it up if it's hurting your relationship. Trust only goes so far, then there's the point of helping them grow and move on.

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