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  1. #1
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

    Default ENFJ/INTP interactions

    ENFJ's (and INFJ's?),

    Here's the situation. I briefly dated an ENFJ (for about 1 month or 6 weeks) something like 2 years ago. I basically just ended it because I started to feel a little bit boxed in way too early in the dating relationship. Seeing that I couldn't live with that long-term, I ended it before things could get "mushy". No sex was involved. It was a very innocent dating period. All in all, we had a pretty good time and there was a mutual respect there.

    She has a daughter (who I enjoyed very much) and I think the fact that I was good to her daughter played a role in her developing feelings for me. She told me about a year later that I really hurt her by leaving "somewhat unnanounced". I didn't provide much explanation. I just said something like, "I don't think we're right for each other. I have a lot of respect for you as a person and love your company, but it's just not going to work. And since it's still early and feelings aren't deeply involved yet, now is a good time to end it." I didn't give much more than that. But, we remained friends. And over time, we became VERY GOOD friends. She has become one of my best friends. Strictly as friends, we share a very special bond and there's always been this vibe between us that we'll probably remain really good friends for life.

    Well, just recently she started flirting on the phone a lot. Like feelings were resurfacing after all this time. She would call me to talk about a guy she was dating and the ways that it wasn't going right. I would listen, offer honest advice, and that's it. Sometimes she would say something like, "So, what's your situation? What's going on with you?" I would just deflect the question or answer with, "Not much. I'm content right now." After not talking for some time (maybe she felt rejected?), she then calls and kind of rants to me that "some people (I'm pretty sure it's me) like to flirt and lead people on but they don't act on it. And some people only call her when they need something from her, but never to see how she's doing." So, yeah, I get the point - she was talking about me. I don't like the drama, I'm not into her like that, so true to an INTP (whether right or wrong), I just detach for like 2 months. I figure it keeps things drama free for me and it gives her time to cool down and realize that I never flirted with her. It just didn't happen.

    Fast forward to now: 9 times out of 10 she won't answer my calls. If she does answer my call, she will immediately just give me a 15 minute dialogue on what's going on in her life and then say, "Hey, I gotta go. Call me another time." It's become blatantly obvious after numerous efforts to contact her that she has either (a) doorslammed me, or (b) is "giving me a taste of my own medicine"/teaching me a lesson via some emotional payback.

    What's my best approach if I want to reconnect with her on good terms? What I really want to do is offer her a job, but she won't even give me the time of day. She may not want the job, but it could potentially be a great opportunity for her and she'd be GREAT at the job itself. Should I text her and say something like, "OK, I learned my lesson. I was selfish. Now stop playing around and call me!" Or, should I just consider myself doorslammed and move on? Any other thoughts?
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.

    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Nov 2009


    You should ask her why she is ignoring you, re-express your desire to be friends with her, and offer her the job in a voice mail or something since she won't talk to you. This way she will hear what you have to say and have time to digest it before responding back to you. I think she has very strong feelings for you and she is hurt by your nonchalance and your pragmatism, selfishness, etc. It is probably better that she avoids you until the feelings die off. I see from your end that logistically she has no reason to be mad or hurt, but that's how she feels probably so ... just an uneven situation. I don't think Fs are good with being friends with people who they still have strong feelings toward. At some point, it will come out.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010


    She might think that your stringing her along...or that she has a chance with you. Tell her the truth, that you dont want to lose her friendship and remind her that you guys are "just friends".
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  4. #4
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009


    You didn't communicate, in depth, about why the relationship ended.
    You didn't communicate about dropping interaction for two months after the possibility of her expressing frustration.
    You aren't communicating yet either.

    ENFJs may take it hard. If you want to be on good terms, and she won't start an emotional nuclear war, you'll have to inform her of what has been going on in your head. We can be very forgiving/understanding if you show us some of the depth and feeling. Otherwise, i've yet to hear of an ENFJ who just picks up easily without much of an explanation.
    Make your lack of feelings for her quite clear. Tell her you acknowledge her emotions, but react a certain way as they don't resonate with you. Etc
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man

    .:: DWTWD ::.


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  5. #5
    climb on Showbread's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    3w2 so/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by Unkindloving View Post
    You didn't communicate, in depth, about why the relationship ended.
    You didn't communicate about dropping interaction for two months after the possibility of her expressing frustration.
    You aren't communicating yet either.
    I second all of these suggestions. Obviously, I have never met your friend. But, when people aren't clear with me regarding their reasoning and intentions I have a tendency to over think all the things that they could possibly be and make assumptions. And these assumptions usually end up being wrong and way more dramatic then what is actually going on.

    So, communicate. I would try to clear the air as much as possible. Chances are you have misunderstood each other.
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

    3w2 6w7 1w2

  6. #6
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    5w4 so/sx


    I'm an INTP and I have and ENFJ boyfriend. One reoccuring problem point between us is what @Unkindloving mentioned : Communication. Where I think I'm doing the right thing and glossing over a problem or trying to take the edge off a criticism I have of him, he gets really upset. He isn't happy unless I'm being 100 percent honest with him about how I'm feel. He's extremely emotionally open, which sounds like your friend, and I think they see our emotional reservation as sort of blocking them out. As INTPs I think, at least in regards to feelings, we prefer the diplomatic approach, whereas ENFJs want all the gory details. We like repression, they need expression. If you want to be friends again be prepared to really hash it out with her.

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