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  1. #1
    Member Dyoni's Avatar
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    Question INFP - good match to INTP?

    I've been dating an INFP for almost 3 years now. I am INTP/INTJ (not quite sure which... different tests seem to give me different results, but after reading these forums a bit, I think I lean more toward INTP.)

    This is the best relationship I've ever had by leaps and bounds - he's caring and sensitive without being impulsive and crazy like some other 'romantic' types I've dated in the past. We've lived together for about 2 years, and everything works wonderfully.

    The only strange thing is, he seems to have no desire to get married. Marriage is something that is very important to me; I feel like that's the last step in our successful relationship together. He seems to think that since our relationship is good how it is, he doesn't understand why I want to change things. I'm not sure if this is an excuse or how he really feels, but he's not very good at lying... so I'm guessing it's the truth. I am beginning to feel frustrated and betrayed.

    Do any of the other INFPs on this forum have any insight to this issue? It confuses me. Help a NT understand your type >.<

  2. #2
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
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    It is difficult to say how he feels about it, since we don't hear much about his reasoning. If I would be in the situation and against a marriage, then probably either because I am scared about the change (which fits to what you say he said) or because I feel not ready about it yet (which means I am not sure that it is the right idea, so I am not sure the relationship is at that level), which seems odd though after 3 years. Personally I feel I would want to marry the person I love and am together with after 3 years when I know the other person has the wish too... but I don't know how I would think if I was actually in the situation right now. Actually I guess I cannot help much at all since it is not like I have much experience to offer with relationships at all... so I can only imagine from INFP-perspective.

    So if he is just scared by the change, then I think it would be something that can be helped about. I guess it would be the main task to find out what exactly scares him about it (what he thinks could go wrong), and then assure him that it is no issue. Without too muchpressuring obviously, although I can imagine that is a very important matter to you, but from what I hear my fellow INFP's don't take that kind of pressure very well either.

    Are you two in your younger years or already a bit older, if I may ask? Might play a role as well maybe...

  3. #3
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    Coming from the viewpoint of a pessimistic INFP, he is probably worried. The only reason I would ever not want to get married would be because I've heard all those things about how marriage can destroy a good, lifelong friendship. When we're in love with someone, we want it to be forever, and with all these divorces and stuff going on, it probably makes him wary of the idea and he doesn't want to risk anything horrible happening between you two.

    And Eckhart has a point. If you two are young (say, early 20's or so.) Then, that could be a reason. He probably feels that you two are "too young" to be in actual love. But, if this isn't the case, then...well...I don't know...

    I think the best thing would be to just be patient. He'll let you know when he's ready. (or he'll drop very subtle hints, so keep aware.)

    And just remember, males in general are confusing, it doesn't necessarily have to do with type. That's always a possibility as well. :P

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moonstone3's Avatar
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    I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.
    What is normal to one, is incomprehensible to another.

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  5. #5
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    The problem starts with where his values are on that; then of course it could be the fear, of change. If he's had stress where this seemed close before and it went sour he may be a little gunshy to do it again. It's actually interesting, I'd almost be thinking it's more normal for the INTP to be resistant while the INFP wants to marry. Age and experiences may help...
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  6. #6
    Epiphany
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    Quote Originally Posted by musicnerd93 View Post
    And just remember, males in general are confusing, it doesn't necessarily have to do with type. That's always a possibility as well. :P
    Males are confusing? Try dating a woman.

  7. #7
    Senor Membrane
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    Hmm... I do relate to not wanting to get married. I don't know if all of these are INFP issues, but I try to summarize anyhow, so you can see if it could be any of these:

    1) My idea about love and trust is that you want to be with someone now and hope for it to be lasting. Not to have to "make a deal" about staying together forever. It is not true if I say I will always love you, "no matter what". I don't see how I could make that promise, and I want to stay true to myself and not make promises I don't know I can keep.

    2) I don't believe in god, so it is morally irrelevant if I get married or not.

    3) I don't want to have any legal issues mixed with love.

    4) I think that weddings are pretty weird situations altogether. I feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings in front of an audience.

    5) I don't believe in "owning" people and I feel like marriage is to claim your ownership over me.

    The only way I could imagine myself "getting married" and enjoying it would be if it was a very private party with the intention to celebrate the fact that we are together now, and no promises would be made and there would be no god or law involved. I would like to have a ring, though.

    I hope I don't sound too harsh... I tried to get all of my prejudices about marriage as clearly stated as possible so that you could have more info than if I was being politically correct with it. Basically the idea is that I don't feel I would get anything out of marriage, but I like the idea of celebrating love.

    Tell me, why do you want so much to get married?

  8. #8
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    When I'm feeling a bit more oomf and zazz the INFPs like me

    They seem to need to be lead and although I can do this, I don't sustain it for long

  9. #9
    Senor Membrane
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post
    They seem to need to be lead and although I can do this, I don't sustain it for long
    I wouldn't be lead into marriage, I am sure of this. It is not true if I promise to love someone for the rest of my life. This is Fi thing with me and it is not possible to make it go away. The only possibility is that I am not forced to make that promise.

    I do admit that I can be lead a lot if there are no values broken in the process.

  10. #10
    Reptilian Snuggletron's Avatar
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    I feel the same as nolla, he listed some similar reasons I as to why marriage isn't really necessary(?) or desired.

    Why exactly do you want to get married? To be taken seriously by others? To seal the deal? To bring the Government in on your love? etc..?

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