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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    I wouldn't be lead into marriage, I am sure of this. It is not true if I promise to love someone for the rest of my life. This is Fi thing with me and it is not possible to make it go away. The only possibility is that I am not forced to make that promise.

    I do admit that I can be lead a lot if there are no values broken in the process.
    I should of clarified... I was more talking about every day things, not the big picture... marriage etc

  2. #12
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    I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

    Coming from a (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
    It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


    I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

    I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

    Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mask Manifest View Post
    Males are confusing? Try dating a woman.
    Touche.


    I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.
    This is a good point, too. My best friend is INTP and I love her to death, I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my time with. But, when it comes to a romantic relationship with an INTP, I'm not sure if I could hold it. There's too many details to explain why. It's a lot like what Moonstone said here, only vice versa.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post
    I should of clarified... I was more talking about every day things, not the big picture... marriage etc
    Yeah, I kinda thought you were. I just wanted to point out that the easy going attitude, while it extends to a lot of things, there are limits, and they are the values. I don't know how we are seen by others, but I guess "spineless" would be close, hah, but the thing is, this marriage stuff... I am so freaking sure that I will never get married because honesty about these things is so important to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.
    I agree, and would even go further and say that to have that "insurance" is to not have trust in your love. Otherwise you wouldn't need the insurance, would you?

    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.
    Yes.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

    Coming from an (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
    It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


    I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

    I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

    Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.
    This is more my stance as well, although i'm not male

    NFPs can have some very unconventional views on life, especially when it comes to social values/traditions. We can be highly skeptical of things like marriage and sometimes it results in apathy towards them. i can certainly see that causing him to have more of a "meh" attitude towards it. If he indicates that he is happy being with you and happy the way things are then his ambiguity could be more about the establishment of marriage, not you.

    Also yeah, age will come into play here. i agree with snuggletron and nolla, i would really examine why it is so important to you. It's not a bad thing if it is but it doesn't hurt to examine the "whys", especially if they are contributing to negative emotions like frustration or betrayal. I've known a few people (mostly women) who have driven their otherwise happy relationships into the ground due to marriage, it's really sad
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  6. #16
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    Yes. He may fundamentally not believe in marriage. Ask him, talk to him. It could be confusion, fear or just disbelief in the concept.

  7. #17
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    Wow, this is all very interesting and helpful. Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Eckhart View Post
    So if he is just scared by the change, then I think it would be something that can be helped about. I guess it would be the main task to find out what exactly scares him about it (what he thinks could go wrong), and then assure him that it is no issue. Without too muchpressuring obviously, although I can imagine that is a very important matter to you, but from what I hear my fellow INFP's don't take that kind of pressure very well either.

    Are you two in your younger years or already a bit older, if I may ask? Might play a role as well maybe...
    Yeah, I've tried to have conversations like this to diffuse any fears he might have about it. I don't really think things would change much between us, to be honest. I think part of it may be tied to his girlfriend he had before me. I guess she wanted to get engaged pretty badly, then when he told her that he planned on proposing eventually, she told everyone they were 'engaged,' then promptly gained a ton of weight and started cutting herself. But I would hope that he isn't relating that experience to me, I am pretty much the complete opposite of his ex.

    He's 26, I'm 25. I guess where I live, that's viewed as a bit old to not be married yet. I really want to be married before I'm 30... it's a source of constant stress for me. I feel like that's one of the things I need to do to feel like an accomplished adult. And if it comes about that he and I don't get married, then the pool of unmarried men will be so much smaller by the time we break up, that maybe I would have to settle with someone that wasn't the best match for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by musicnerd93 View Post
    Coming from the viewpoint of a pessimistic INFP, he is probably worried. The only reason I would ever not want to get married would be because I've heard all those things about how marriage can destroy a good, lifelong friendship. When we're in love with someone, we want it to be forever, and with all these divorces and stuff going on, it probably makes him wary of the idea and he doesn't want to risk anything horrible happening between you two.
    I suppose that could be it, too. But I think he needs to realize that I don't want to be someone's girlfriend for the rest of my life either. I was briefly married and divorced before I met him, too, so maybe he thinks that I don't take marriage seriously. This is definitely untrue - it's very important to me, to the point that I rushed into it when I was younger. I learned a lot from the experience and I think a marriage with someone who was a better match would be wonderful. As for the subtlety thing - maybe I need to pay better attention. I miss those things sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Moonstone3 View Post
    I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.
    That's understandable. He's gets emotional at times - sometimes he'll get angry and punch a door, or he'll get really depressed and melancholy for a while. I think he's worth it, though

    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    It's actually interesting, I'd almost be thinking it's more normal for the INTP to be resistant while the INFP wants to marry. Age and experiences may help...
    Yeah, maybe I'm weird or something. I guess I just see a relationship as a sort of life-project that I want to keep working on and perfecting, where he seems to see it as a 'wherever life takes us' sort of thing.

  8. #18
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    Has he given any other reasons as to why he appears to not be interested in marriage besides the fact that he doesn't think it will change anything? Or at least elaborated on that point? i don't think i'd really be satisfied with an answer like that and from the looks of things you aren't either.
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  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Hmm... I do relate to not wanting to get married. I don't know if all of these are INFP issues, but I try to summarize anyhow, so you can see if it could be any of these:

    1) My idea about love and trust is that you want to be with someone now and hope for it to be lasting. Not to have to "make a deal" about staying together forever. It is not true if I say I will always love you, "no matter what". I don't see how I could make that promise, and I want to stay true to myself and not make promises I don't know I can keep.

    2) I don't believe in god, so it is morally irrelevant if I get married or not.

    3) I don't want to have any legal issues mixed with love.

    4) I think that weddings are pretty weird situations altogether. I feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings in front of an audience.

    5) I don't believe in "owning" people and I feel like marriage is to claim your ownership over me.

    The only way I could imagine myself "getting married" and enjoying it would be if it was a very private party with the intention to celebrate the fact that we are together now, and no promises would be made and there would be no god or law involved. I would like to have a ring, though.

    I hope I don't sound too harsh... I tried to get all of my prejudices about marriage as clearly stated as possible so that you could have more info than if I was being politically correct with it. Basically the idea is that I don't feel I would get anything out of marriage, but I like the idea of celebrating love.

    Tell me, why do you want so much to get married?
    Thanks, this is enlightening. You sound somewhat similar to him. A few conversations I've had with him have came to 'why do you want to get married at all?' or things like 'I love you and I'm not going to leave you, so why do we need to get married?' I guess in my mind, if he wants a lifetime relationship, why NOT get married?

    We're both atheists, so it's not really an issue of religion with us. I guess I just really like the idea of having a husband, a partner for life. I want that stability in my life. I want to tell someone 'This is my husband' instead of 'This is my boyfriend.' Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds immature in my mind. I'll admit that the financial issues involved also matter a small bit - both of us having insurance would be nice, and I would like to buy a home, but making that sort of financial commitment with someone I'm not married to makes me nervous. I agree about a ring being nice, too

    Quote Originally Posted by SNUGGLETRON View Post
    Why exactly do you want to get married? To be taken seriously by others?
    This too, to a point. I think the thing that bothers me the most is why he doesn't want to get married, though. Is he just staying with me until he finds someone better? Is there a trait in me he's already decided that isn't acceptable, and plans on moving on eventually?

    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

    Coming from a (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
    It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


    I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

    I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

    Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.
    That sounds a LOT like him, too. Especially the part about debating about when and how, haha. I hope he can realize that practically nothing would change for him, but it would make me feel more secure and content.

    Quote Originally Posted by stringstheory View Post
    Also yeah, age will come into play here. i agree with snuggletron and nolla, i would really examine why it is so important to you. It's not a bad thing if it is but it doesn't hurt to examine the "whys", especially if they are contributing to negative emotions like frustration or betrayal. I've known a few people (mostly women) who have driven their otherwise happy relationships into the ground due to marriage, it's really sad
    Yeah, that part scares me. I don't want to drive him away by asking him about it constantly, but the times we have talked about it, the answers haven't been very clear. I wish he would just tell me 'when this happens and this, then I would feel comfortable getting married.' Then we could work towards those things.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dyoni View Post
    Yeah, that part scares me. I don't want to drive him away by asking him about it constantly, but the times we have talked about it, the answers haven't been very clear. I wish he would just tell me 'when this happens and this, then I would feel comfortable getting married.' Then we could work towards those things.
    Ah, that answers that then....

    Make it known that you don't feel like he's been clear and the open-endedness of a situation that is actually very important to you is giving you a hard time. Ask him to elaborate about why he feels the way he does about marriage; i'm inclined to think he won't have a problem articulating that if you just ask. if he is not aware that marriage is something that means a lot to you, then make sure he knows. make this point right here really clear.

    I hope he can realize that practically nothing would change for him, but it would make me feel more secure and content.
    in my opinion, this is a point i would concede to in the right conditions.

    also, please do yourself a favour and try not to worry about this unless he makes these points himself.

    Is he just staying with me until he finds someone better? Is there a trait in me he's already decided that isn't acceptable, and plans on moving on eventually?
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