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  1. #1
    Member cheerchick23's Avatar
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    Default NF's: Competitive people/jealousy...

    Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

    Anyway...

    -How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

    -Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?

  2. #2
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    yeah. one of my friends is really subtlety like this. i would break down and tell her she was making me feel really shitty sometimes, when it got to be too much for me. interestingly, i recently discovered that her whole family is like that, and now it's so much easier for me to deal with, because i understand it's not so much a value judgment as a behavioral pattern. still hard not to get pissed sometimes, but at least i can reason it out.

    the easiest thing for me is just to use a little wit and challenge back - the funny thing is how once i assert myself and use a little deprecating humor, it's like everything equalizes again. like it never happened.

    and i do try to be sensitive and affirming (which is pretty much second nature for an NF, of course, lol) because i feel like growing up with that all the time would instill a certain amount of very-well-hidden anxiety. and indeed, this is the case. but she's genuine, and doesn't hate when i achieve something. like i said - it's really more of a behavioral pattern.

    i think that typically behavior like this belies lack of true confidence.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheerchick23 View Post
    Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

    Anyway...

    -How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

    -Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?
    OMG! These people exist nearly everywhere I turn!

    I have one friend where everything has to be a competition. If I walked three miles, he's walked four. If I can play the solo to "Stairway to Heaven" on my guitar, then he can play the bg, long instrumental guitar part from "Echoes." It's extremely annoying, and he enver fails to remind me how he's just a little bit better than me. :steam:

    How do I handle them? I get angry. I post subtle facebook status messages, which I know is completely immature, but, hey, I think they're being immature too if they feel like they need to "one up" me to feel good about themselves.

    Have I been in a relationship with one? Yes. The guy I mentioned. ^ Worst mistake of my life. He was sweet when we were together, now he's just a jerk. :steam:

  4. #4
    Peaced Quay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheerchick23 View Post
    How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

    -Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?
    Yep.

    For people I barely know, I take note of their actions, and then ignore them. Nothing I could ever do would be good enough for these kinds of people.

    Besides, my biggest competitor is myself.

    For people close to me....I ignore it, but then when they accomplish something they are proud of, I congratulate them. I kinda feel like I can only lead by example, and I hope that it shows them that we don't need to compete with each other if we are supposed to love each other.

    But I'm corny like that...

  5. #5
    Senior Member angelhair45's Avatar
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    I seem to attract females of this sort, it's been ongoing since I was young. I cannot stand dealing with super competitive jealous types; many of them seem to be ISTJ females or ENTP males. I hate real-life competition yet they make everything competitive. My best way of dealing is just to not be around them. I can't play nice with them. They just seem to bring out the inner-meanness. Like if I said I made lasagna for dinner, and then competitive person says they made and Italian 8 course meal from some highly renowned cookbook, I would then feel it necessary to take a dig. If this course of conversation continues things might get tense and ugly. I hate being mean, but I can't seem to refrain from trying to put them in their place. I have never been successful at dealing with jealous/competitive people in a positive way unless it was very very little contact.
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  6. #6
    THIS bitch stringstheory's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheerchick23 View Post
    Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

    Anyway...

    -How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)
    Ugh, my partners best friend is like this, though not as extreme. I do my best to avoid people like this...which can be hard to do living in Los Angeles, but i manage They seriously stress me out and often walk the line in terms of treading on my values. If i somehow can't avoid them then sometimes I will call them out on their bullshit and make it look like i'm being drunk and argumentative if i can.

    suffice to say it's highly unlikely that they'd end up being a close friends of mine.

    -Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?
    Nope.
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  7. #7
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    I am very competetive. That's why I do not do competitive things. It brings out the worst in me. I get cranky as a mother------ when I lose or feel like I can't get it right (like I'm losing to myself).

  8. #8
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Yes to meeting competitive/jealous people.

    To be completely honest, I've had two exes like this and ended up breaking things off with both of them for this very reason. Now all communication is at a distance (though cordial). I did, however, discuss at length how this type of communication didn't work for me, since I valued those relationships a great deal.

    Can I be even more honest? I don't think I have the patience and self-esteem to deal with this even knowing that it often points to underlying insecurity.

    I wasn't sure if there was a gender component -- maybe more traditionally minded males (not all males, by any stretch) don't like to have their girlfriend/wife/female SO outpacing them? My ISTJ husband is extremely supportive though. I don't think he thinks of us as in competition with each other. The happy together piece is much more important.

  9. #9
    Senor Membrane
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    Hmm... strange, but I don't seem to know any competitive people...Might be because of my interests. I'm into arts, and know a lot of artistically minded people. It would be ridiculous to compete in art, and on the other hand none of us is very successful, so I doubt that anyone has really the nerve to boast about their victories. I know some people who get really competitive when playing some game, but that's ok by me, it's only a game.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    I'm a very competitive person and if I don't give winning everything I've got (regardless of whether or not I actually win) I have lost against myself and I feel like shit.

    One upping show insecurity and an unhealthy craving for appraisal and attention. It makes you look like a messed up idiot.

    On the other hand, I feel like a lot of people aren't well equipped to deal with highly competitive people and that they should toughen up. I'm not saying this to be hard on soft people, I mean it as advice because I hate it when it gets to people because then it makes me feel bad.
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

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