[NF] NF's: Competitive people/jealousy...

[cheerchick23]

Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

Anyway...

-How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

-Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?

 

[skylights]

yeah. one of my friends is really subtlety like this. i would break down and tell her she was making me feel really shitty sometimes, when it got to be too much for me. interestingly, i recently discovered that her whole family is like that, and now it's so much easier for me to deal with, because i understand it's not so much a value judgment as a behavioral pattern. still hard not to get pissed sometimes, but at least i can reason it out.

the easiest thing for me is just to use a little wit and challenge back - the funny thing is how once i assert myself and use a little deprecating humor, it's like everything equalizes again. like it never happened.

and i do try to be sensitive and affirming (which is pretty much second nature for an NF, of course, lol) because i feel like growing up with that all the time would instill a certain amount of very-well-hidden anxiety. and indeed, this is the case. but she's genuine, and doesn't hate when i achieve something. like i said - it's really more of a behavioral pattern.

i think that typically behavior like this belies lack of true confidence.

 

[musicnerd93]

Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

Anyway...

-How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

-Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?

OMG! These people exist nearly everywhere I turn!

I have one friend where everything has to be a competition. If I walked three miles, he's walked four. If I can play the solo to "Stairway to Heaven" on my guitar, then he can play the bg, long instrumental guitar part from "Echoes." It's extremely annoying, and he enver fails to remind me how he's just a little bit better than me. :steam:

How do I handle them? I get angry. I post subtle facebook status messages, which I know is completely immature, but, hey, I think they're being immature too if they feel like they need to "one up" me to feel good about themselves.

Have I been in a relationship with one? Yes. The guy I mentioned. ^ Worst mistake of my life. He was sweet when we were together, now he's just a jerk. :steam:

 

[Quay]

How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

-Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?

Yep.

For people I barely know, I take note of their actions, and then ignore them. Nothing I could ever do would be good enough for these kinds of people.

Besides, my biggest competitor is myself.

For people close to me....I ignore it, but then when they accomplish something they are proud of, I congratulate them. I kinda feel like I can only lead by example, and I hope that it shows them that we don't need to compete with each other if we are supposed to love each other.

But I'm corny like that...

 

[angelhair45]

I seem to attract females of this sort, it's been ongoing since I was young. I cannot stand dealing with super competitive jealous types; many of them seem to be ISTJ females or ENTP males. I hate real-life competition yet they make everything competitive. My best way of dealing is just to not be around them. I can't play nice with them. They just seem to bring out the inner-meanness. Like if I said I made lasagna for dinner, and then competitive person says they made and Italian 8 course meal from some highly renowned cookbook, I would then feel it necessary to take a dig. If this course of conversation continues things might get tense and ugly. I hate being mean, but I can't seem to refrain from trying to put them in their place. I have never been successful at dealing with jealous/competitive people in a positive way unless it was very very little contact.

 

[stringstheory]

Do you ever come across people whose every word and action is a competition? Like everything they say to you is an attempt to one-up you or somehow prove their superiority... and they get bitter/jealous of you rather than excited for you when something good happens? I think the worst ones are the subtle, manipulative ones who make veiled comments and condescending glances, etc.

Anyway...

-How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

Ugh, my partners best friend is like this, though not as extreme. I do my best to avoid people like this...which can be hard to do living in Los Angeles, but i manage They seriously stress me out and often walk the line in terms of treading on my values. If i somehow can't avoid them then sometimes I will call them out on their bullshit and make it look like i'm being drunk and argumentative if i can.

suffice to say it's highly unlikely that they'd end up being a close friends of mine.

-Have you ever been in a relationship with one? Or realized a while into a relationship that either one or both of you had become competitive?

Nope.

 

[angell_m]

I am very competetive. That's why I do not do competitive things. It brings out the worst in me. I get cranky as a mother------ when I lose or feel like I can't get it right (like I'm losing to myself).

 

[mochajava]

Yes to meeting competitive/jealous people.

To be completely honest, I've had two exes like this and ended up breaking things off with both of them for this very reason. Now all communication is at a distance (though cordial). I did, however, discuss at length how this type of communication didn't work for me, since I valued those relationships a great deal.

Can I be even more honest? I don't think I have the patience and self-esteem to deal with this even knowing that it often points to underlying insecurity.

I wasn't sure if there was a gender component -- maybe more traditionally minded males (not all males, by any stretch) don't like to have their girlfriend/wife/female SO outpacing them? My ISTJ husband is extremely supportive though. I don't think he thinks of us as in competition with each other. The happy together piece is much more important.

 

[nolla]

Hmm... strange, but I don't seem to know any competitive people...Might be because of my interests. I'm into arts, and know a lot of artistically minded people. It would be ridiculous to compete in art, and on the other hand none of us is very successful, so I doubt that anyone has really the nerve to boast about their victories. I know some people who get really competitive when playing some game, but that's ok by me, it's only a game.

 

[Nonsensical]

I'm a very competitive person and if I don't give winning everything I've got (regardless of whether or not I actually win) I have lost against myself and I feel like shit.

One upping show insecurity and an unhealthy craving for appraisal and attention. It makes you look like a messed up idiot.

On the other hand, I feel like a lot of people aren't well equipped to deal with highly competitive people and that they should toughen up. I'm not saying this to be hard on soft people, I mean it as advice because I hate it when it gets to people because then it makes me feel bad.

 

[mochajava]

On the other hand, I feel like a lot of people aren't well equipped to deal with highly competitive people and that they should toughen up. I'm not saying this to be hard on soft people, I mean it as advice because I hate it when it gets to people because then it makes me feel bad.

Good call.

 

[mmhmm]

am used to competitive people. i went to school and
worked with overachievers.

i've become more competitive as i've gotten older.
in the sense of always trying to challenge and better
myself. "if you think it's good enough, then it probably isn't".

but i don't get too worked up with failing. it's humbling.
and that's good. and that's when you know you're learning
and growing.

 

[Nonsensical]

am used to competitive people. i went to school and
worked with overachievers.

i've become more competitive as i've gotten older.
in the sense of always trying to challenge and better
myself. "if you think it's good enough, then it probably isn't".

but i don't get too worked up with failing. it's humbling.
and that's good. and that's when you know you're learning
and growing.

Amen to that.

 

[Sparrow]

-How do you handle these people? (give them a taste of their own medicine? take the high road? claw their eyes out?)

I just stew inside, and want to tell them to shut the f*ck up...but I usually just let them go on with their glory, and let them look like a cocky idiot. Its not worth it for me to say anything and cause drama over something like that.
Usually this happens it in front of a crowd of people they are trying to impress for some reason. I wouldnt want to embaress them even more, they already look like idiots! Should I say something? lol I dunno...

 

[angelhair45]

I'm a very competitive person and if I don't give winning everything I've got (regardless of whether or not I actually win) I have lost against myself and I feel like shit.

One upping show insecurity and an unhealthy craving for appraisal and attention. It makes you look like a messed up idiot.

On the other hand, I feel like a lot of people aren't well equipped to deal with highly competitive people and that they should toughen up. I'm not saying this to be hard on soft people, I mean it as advice because I hate it when it gets to people because then it makes me feel bad.

But who wants to compete at everything?Who wants to go to dinner with friends or family and have to compete with your friend over everything? I don't want to compete over who's life is better, richer, worse, etc. EVERYTHING is more than you. Does that make any sense. These people will do whatever they can to make themselves look better than you. I've had them lie straight to my face so that I would fail.

These people will compete in ALL MATTERS! They will compete in matters of love, art, music, thoughts, ideas, bad circumstances, attention, just life in general, etc. It's draining, and sucks to be the person on the receiving end.

I have no problems with competition in a balanced manner. It has nothing to do with being soft. It's called, "Who the Fuck wants to compete at LIFE every second, I want to enjoy my life not be better than you."

 

[Tiltyred]

I have one person like that in my life and as much as possible, I smile and nod, smile and nod. There are a couple of areas where my expertise is greater than hers but if I share, she gets threatened and makes meowy remarks and I secretly want to choke her, so ... it's not worth engaging.

 

[musicnerd93]

Oh yeah, and a jealous female I have encountered who will not let me talk to her boyfriend, who is my best friend, because talking to him OBVIOUSLY means that I am in love with him even though he was my friend before he was her boyfriend. -_-

Sorry...run on sentence...

How do I deal with her? I (regrettably) let her walk all over me. Give her her way. If she doesn't want me to talk to him, then fine, I won't talk to him. Which upsets him, but I don't want her to get mad at me OR him so it's better for the both of us.

Gah...I don't like girls...I'm upset that I am one...

 

[Vamp]

I'm a competitive person and I enjoy competitive people. I don't like it when it's that weird jealousy type stuff where they just want to try and make you look bad because they are insecure. Or the dishonest kind of "competing" where a girl does nothing but take sideways swipes at you because they are too passive aggressive to confront you directly.

I also hate the kind of competition where the other person has to have complete control/submission. My cousin is like this and it's a chore to be around her and her family. If they can't beat someone into submission they get nasty.

Gah...I don't like girls...I'm upset that I am one...

Boys have plenty of undesirable personality traits too. Why does it always turn into female self-hate when we have unpleasant interactions with other females? I don't get that.
It's like most females have such a nasty perception of what it means to be female they think every undesirable trait is their feminine reflection and despise being a girl. That's patriarchy at work.

 

[skylights]

Oh yeah, and a jealous female I have encountered who will not let me talk to her boyfriend, who is my best friend, because talking to him OBVIOUSLY means that I am in love with him even though he was my friend before he was her boyfriend. -_-

Sorry...run on sentence...

How do I deal with her? I (regrettably) let her walk all over me. Give her her way. If she doesn't want me to talk to him, then fine, I won't talk to him. Which upsets him, but I don't want her to get mad at me OR him so it's better for the both of us.

Gah...I don't like girls...I'm upset that I am one...

aw, no worries, i've experienced jealous guys too. it's never pretty.

actually, i think this is where it would be most effective for your best friend to step in and draw some lines. because it's him she's so concerned about losing - even if you tried to talk to her, and reassure her that you have no bad intentions, she might still worry about him "falling prey" to you. he needs to be the one reassuring her that her status as his girlfriend is secure regardless of others outside their relationship - not to mention that it's not her place to block others off from him. it's completely a matter of her trusting him - it shouldn't have anything to do with you, and you shouldn't have to deal with it.

 

[You]

I've done some assholish things before. People have done them back. Thats life. You take the good with the bad - and all that cliche bullshit. Either way, it can be draining. Competition is great, because it can bring out the best in people. Failing miserably is god too, because you have to nurse your wounds. You understand whoever you are competing in the future with.

In the end though, I have to say it's best to compete when the ground rules are laid that you are on equal footing. Competing just to be better, and not for the fun of it, becomes an annoyance.

Like recently, I was sitting down with a girl, and a guy comes up. Obviously he's trying to make a move in on the girl I'm talking to, and what do I do? I ask him is he still living with his mom? Very casually.

How that relates, I don't know. It's just a confessional, because I felt very bad for cock-blocking an acquaintance like that...Point is, don't go for low blows in competition and keep it clean.