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[INFP] Common INFP Issues

Seymour

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As requested, a thread. We'll see if it does better than the "someone start a thread" thread.

Some common INFP issues include:

  1. Hypersensitivity - We often interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. In fact, we sometimes project negativity onto factual, neutral statements. This problem extends to critiques of our values, since as Fi-doms we see our values as fundamental parts of ourselves. Our hypersensitivity can cause us to avoid seeking feedback or evaluation out of fear of it being negative.
  2. Tendency to procrastinate - Like other perceiving types, we have a tendency to procrastinate. In our case, an avoidance of conflict tends to be a contributing factor. Our Fi-based idealism combined with our Ne-inspired ability to see possibilities sometimes makes moving from the possible to the actual demotivating: the reality is always less than we'd like it to be. This can even extend to career paralysis, in which we fear moving forward because no option is perfectly inline with our inner selves and values. Also, attempting something Importantâ„¢ and failing can trigger our hypersensitivity (see above). We can also tend to wait for internal transformation to provide motivation, even when external action is all that's needed to start the ball rolling.
  3. Social Disregard and/or Cluelessness - Our lack of Fe and reliance on Fi tends to make us seemingly unaware of societal expectations. Even when we are aware of them, we may see such expectations as an attack on our individual expression and autonomy. Our Fi focus may also cause us to appear quirky or dress inappropriately for a given situation. Also, we may experience unnecessary conflict with Fe-users because we are unaware of the message we are sending by opting out of important rituals and traditions. We tend to be bad at initiating contact with others, which may send a message that we are selfishly disinterested in other people.
  4. Idealism/Absolutism - While at its best our Fi can lead us towards having worthwhile values and not compromising them, at our worst we tend towards an intolerant, blinkered impracticality. We can tend to dismiss information that doesn't fit with our preconceived ideals and becomes angry when people point out how distorted our internal model of the world may be. This can extend to relationships, causing us to over-idealize those we love, leading to communication problems and/or disappointment.

And, to include stringstheory's procrastination example:
i have a big problem turning mole hills into mountains simply because I avoided situations that cause me stress. For example, I've had plenty of parking tickets that ended up becoming large amounts of money because I didn't have enough money to pay them at the time. somehow i never seem to have "enough" money to pay for things that need to be paid for ASAP so i just push them out of my mind and refuse to deal with them until I absolutely have to and then pay MORE for it. This, obviously, is not smart.

I'm sure people have other perspectives to add.
 

Fidelia

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Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?
 

runvardh

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Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?

If I'm doing anything but wandering around blankly or curled up and blank, go ahead and check in, but don't push for info. As an SO, I'd say cuddle if you want when I'm at the stage of engaging something in physical space, but only if it doesn't mean I have to move. I myself try to take breaks once in a while if I can during which I'll more than likely be looking for some low energy contact with other people, but other INFPs may have different habits. Also, if you decide to cuddle up while I'm thinking, be prepared to have stuff bounced off of you out of no where and then the talking stop for a while as I integrate and re-integrate what was said. I could be rather frustrating if you're looking to see a quick, soon, or visible resolution - not because I mean to, but because of how differently I need to organize the information when talking as opposed to just thinking.

Oh, furrowed brow more often means thinking rather than angry.
 

Seymour

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Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?

I'm probably not the best person to address this issue, but :

  • Fi values internal consonance and harmony. When that can't be reached, we tend to turn inwards to address the problem. Sometimes this can lead to the "Fi Si loop", where we go over the same problem repeatedly without getting any closer to a resolution. (I think this is particularly common for enneagram 4 INFPs, who tend to value the emotional intensity involved in the looping for its own sake.)
  • Fi processes things partially unconsciously (I think Jung described it as the function closest to the unconscious). I find that I do better if I let things "percolate" in the background, rather than trying to immediately attack a problem full-force consciously. Low level distraction sometimes helps the percolation process.
  • Like most introverts, we tend to withdraw when overwhelmed. When we are experiencing internal emotional conflict, there can be more going on internally than is easy to process.

I do think, compared to INFJs, we are a bit more aware of our own emotions as they happen (though less aware of group dynamics), but that doesn't make us any better at processing those emotions with others. We, too, tend to want to retreat and process.

I also think the Ni of INFJs makes them a bit more flexible on shifting their perspective when considering solutions. Fi + Ne tend to work with Fi "nailing down" feeling valuations, and then Ne showing farther possibilities from that stabilized platform. When one of our central values is threatened, it's not easy for us to entertain a conflicting perspective without experiencing distress.

Note that outside of their important values, INFPs tend to be very flexible about understanding the perspective of others. It's just on things that are deemed "important" that the rigidity kicks in.

So, I think checking in is probably about the most interaction we want in that state. Even if we are flailing around at that point, we usually are not receptive to advice (to make an understatement). Just being there and showing support can be very helpful.

Anyway, I'm just one INFP, so hope others will chime in (even to disagree).

[Update: What Biaxident and runvardh said about "just being there." :yes:]
 

OrangeAppled

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Good stuff Seymour!

Fidelia, the "cocooning" as you call it is pretty typical from what I see. I know that I have to withdraw to analyze how I feel. You introspect a lot as an INFP, and spend much time weighing out matters internally. The real world is just imagination fodder, and once you're saturated with ideas & info (easy to do), you have to be alone to process it all. Processing emotions takes time, and there can be a tendency to wallow, in the way you slow cook something to get more flavor out of it.

There is also fantasy escapism as a part of this withdrawing, and in a weird, non-direct way it can help you deal with emotions, so that you become clear-headed again to deal with the real issue. This may often involve things which stir the imagination such as books, music, movies, etc. I used to take a walk at my job to clear my head when stressed or hitting a brick wall creatively. Just looking at the trees & sky and thinking about whatever would bring my internal state to a nice equilibrium. It's also a recharge from being around people.

My internal process is to have a dialogue with myself where I ask a question and answer it in as many ways as I can think of. This "covering all ground", playing devil's advocate with yourself, and creating hypothetical situations where you play out possibilities is way of problem solving. Again, this is done rather indirectly, often in fantasy form.

If I am in the middle of thinking, I may feel a bit annoyed to be interrupted. This is much more the case if I am also doing something creative. If I get pulled out of my "creative zone", then I don't know if/when I can crawl back in. It's also really easy to lose track of time, so checking in to remind me to eat or something is welcomed :D. I'm not really sure why someone would need or want to check-in otherwise. It's nice when people show concern or interest, but beyond listening to my venting, there's usually not much they can do. If I vent to you, feel privileged :p. If I ask for input, please avoid cliches & give me some thoughtful, non-obvious solutions. Often, I'm really only asking for confirmation of ideas, but tread carefully in critiquing them as they are often tied to values of some kind. Similar to an INTP, there's a theoretical model in your head of the world, but it's very idealistic, a lot of "shoulds" and "woulds" and "coulds" that are hard to define in words, as they are felt in some sort of vague atmospheric way, and yet they are very clear to yourself. Often times, making them clear to others is not easily done, and that's what can lead to defensiveness or being closed off. It can also feel like too much effort at the time to talk & think simultaneously.

Sorry, I started rambling...I don't even know where I'm at now :D.
 

FalseHeartDothKnow

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Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?

I'm not sure if this is the 'INFP' perspective, but I'll give it a shot, IME:

It's very easyfor an INFP to get lost in fantasy whether it's part of a video game, written in a book, or just plain self created, we have to think about the issue, but we have to either numb it, or live through it in our heads so we can get rid of the Fi 'emotionality' as much as we possibly can before we can come up with what we might see as a more rational decision.

This is where some of us may appear a little INTPish if we've gone a little numb, and others might get moody and over emotional at anything...As for people being around, we probably won't thank you for it at the time, but you might find we need a very gentle push towards reality to get us on track :)
 

OrangeAppled

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[*] Fi processes things partially unconsciously (I think Jung described it as the function closest to the unconscious). I find that I do better if I let things "percolate" in the background, rather than trying to immediately attack a problem full-force consciously. Low level distraction sometimes helps the percolation process.

I like the "percolation" metaphor. I was trying to hit on that background, indirect mindset when it comes to solving a problem by emphasizing we use fantasy a lot which seems like escapism, but is not entirely.

So, I think checking in is probably about the most interaction we want in that state. Even if we are flailing around at that point, we usually are not receptive to advice (to make an understatement). Just being there and showing support can be very helpful.

Yes, advice can feel patronizing, it can reinforce feelings of helplessness (ie, you can't solve your own problems), and it often just plain misses the point. If I want help, it's often to calm the emotional feeling because I know what to do after that.
 

runvardh

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Oh yeah, it's probably a good idea to find out if we're actually thinking or just spacing. If I'm on a video game and my SO wants attention, I can put the video game away. If I'm finishing off e-mails and my SO wants attention, it's best she say so then let me finish the e-mails so that it's done and over with and not on my mind.
 

FalseHeartDothKnow

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Oh yeah, it's probably a good idea to find out if we're actually thinking or just spacing. If I'm on a video game and my SO wants attention, I can put the video game away. If I'm finishing off e-mails and my SO wants attention, it's best she say so then let me finish the e-mails so that it's done and over with and not on my mind.

Seconded :)
 

jtanSis1

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ah where to begin. ok. the whole spaciness etc. is due to P or in other words, no decisions till the outcome has been completely understood. J's just make a decision and keep trying till one works. not exactly better. The F means we have to feel that the decision will help vs solve the problem. pick your poison by any means. The I means we want depth and connection vs just getting out there and try,try,try till we get it right. If you want N then your trying something new and different vs tried and true. So basically your just dealing with someone who is trying with everything they can to be for all practical means perfect. They just want someone to appreciate that and then they will not try so hard and be able to enjoy life.
 

Fidelia

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All interesting. This site has been very helpful in the past for helping me come to some of these conclusions, but it's interesting to know the thought process.

INFJs use venting to others to calm their emotions and clarify their thoughts. They get very frustrated if people start offering solutions before they have had a chance to get rid of the extra emotions. Even then, they'll usually prefer to ask specific questions or be allowed to talk to find the solutions, rather than actually getting a plan of action from elsewhere. It sounds like INFPs also need a way to calm their emotions but they do it differently. If INFJs start cocooning for extended lengths or disappearing into fantasy like realms (or Se comforts) usually it is a very bad sign, especially if it is prolonged. I believe what INFJs often do is assume that INFPs process similarly to them and become alarmed when they are neither the recipient of the INFP's excess emotions (so they know what's going on and so they know they are important still in the INFP's world), when they see INFPs cocooning without any seeming end in sight, and when they don't have enough information to work with. They mistake your withdrawal for distress that calls for active help or concern because comfort and outside input is what they'd hope for in those circumstances.

By checking in, they are looking for more information (what's going on, is it likely we will see you come back sometime, are you okay, do you feel cared for) and they are trying to find an active way of helping you. I believe just by explaining what you are doing, it makes it much easier to leave you alone to do it. If you can offer even a tiny bit of information, it also helps them not imagine the worst (usually I go to those I care about most for comfort. Fi users don't tend to want to burden the people they care about and it's more of an independent process in finding the solution. Sometimes they will mistakenly assume you don't care or don't think they are trustworthy during the hardest times).

Probably the biggest issue that I hear coming up is that INFPs find that others often underestimate how much thought they've given to a certain problem. By offering obvious or unworkable solutions and then getting frustrated when the INFP doesn't leap at them, it insults their intelligence and also makes them feel even more pressured on top of being judged. I know that's a big INFJ/INFP pitfall.

Does anyone want to talk a little about Fi-Si loops and what allows them to break out of them? I think Udog discussed this a bit in his blog and found that Ne was useful in that way. (I struggle with Ni-Ti loops).
 

Fidelia

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How do you express love to others most commonly?

How would you express anger towards others most commonly? Does that change depending on how close you are to someone?
 

runvardh

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Most, if not all, of the help anyone can provide me is non-verbal in nature, even when it comes to the Fi-Si loop. Even then, however, you have to be significantly close to me, like top tier friend or SO for it to be of any help and at some levels only an SO can help (no, that doesn't necessarily mean sex). Actually, one of the best tests of how close a dating relationship has gotten for me is when I'll allow someone to hold me, but no words, please...
 

nolla

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Did anyone mention that we tend to not give the kind of information about ourselves that other people appreciate as means to intimacy? What I mean is, it is normal for me to hear someone say they know nothing about me. Facts, that is. I personally don't care that much about the facts that are told, but the facts I observe, so while the bonding through sharing is not unheard of it is not my preferred way to "know" people. This can make people feel like I don't care about them.

Annoying, but I am trying to break the habit and tell a story once in a while...

EDIT:

How do you express love to others most commonly?

Oh, you posted that while I was writing. It kinda sidelines with what I was talking about. I personally kinda expect people to know I love them. Apart from that, it is mostly some deeds I do, like surprise them or such, but that's it mostly. If I am in love with someone and say it out loud it is usually a big mistake, heh...

How would you express anger towards others most commonly? Does that change depending on how close you are to someone?

I usually don't. I will try to talk calmly about it. If it doesn't work, I disappear. Poof. The times I have been angry at someone, it has had much effect, though, probably because it is very unusual to see me mad.
 

Fidelia

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I've found that usually it's been opposite. Of my close INFP friends, I can usually get them to talk even when they aren't in the habit of doing so. However, they don't usually ask about me. I finally realized this year that it just meant they were trying not to intrude, not that they didn't care and weren't interested in knowing anything about me.
 

FalseHeartDothKnow

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Fidelia, this is amazing, very helpful info on INFJs so thanks! :)

On Fi-Si loop:

Ne does help because it's our most reliable external function and even an introvert can't/shouldn't live life completely internally. If you rely on your feelings/values (Fi) and your memories/past experiences (Si) then your judgements are based on past prejudices/the past in general and you find it hard to live in a world that is ever-changing. Ne looks for possibilities in everything, to the point where some find it ridiculous. It instinctively looks for ways to tackle problems without having to relive past emotions constantly, which if painful, can make an INFP fearful about making any external decision, which makes them disconnected.

On anger/love:

Love: If I love a person, I'll try to see no wrong in them, even though I'll acknowledge no-one is perfect. I'll want to dote on them, but I won't be overbearing because I'm still living partially inside my head.

Anger: Because of the above, I'll upset before I anger, I'll cry before I yell...
 

Fidelia

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How would you use Ne in a practical sense when you are in that situation?
 

nolla

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I've found that usually it's been opposite. Of my close INFP friends, I can usually get them to talk even when they aren't in the habit of doing so.

Yes, I believe you can. But I wouldn't spontaneously talk about my past and such. It doesn't usually cross my mind. And if someone I don't like all that much starts to pry I tend to get a bit uncomfortable...

However, they don't usually ask about me. I finally realized this year that it just meant they were trying not to intrude, not that they didn't care and weren't interested in knowing anything about me.

Yep, same phenomenon mirrored. I think that if someone wants to tell me something about their past, then they do, and if they don't I won't think that they are keeping it from me. I have quite neutral attitude towards these things. I don't really care if I know much facts or not at all... I would like to know is this me or is it common with other INFPs.
 

runvardh

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How do you express love to others most commonly?
This would probably be better covered by love languages, it's actually quite accurate. I express with touch, time, and acts.

How would you express anger towards others most commonly? Does that change depending on how close you are to someone?

Relationship does change the expression as far as I'm concerned; that said I've learned to express more than I normally would.

The common rabble may only see my thinking face as I dissapear shaking my head.

Aquaintences and the average co-worker will get a chance with one or two line bits of communication per round, but then I go silent and possibly walk off.

Lower tier friends and close co-workers will get some explanation and a chance to work it out before I get worse, but I have a few facial and hand expressions that I've been told are rather fear inducing. Often I'll walk away with a little explanation if the situation isn't worth causing relationship issues with expressions.

close friends get similar as above but more explanation and the expressions are more mild and I don't walk away as easily. Family also fits in here.

top tier friends don't get me angry enough to make the scary expressions, but when I'm mad I'm best able to let them know and understand.

SOs I try my hardest to explain, but I've had two that got past the real edge of my patience and I have yelled for a total of 2 min then gone totally silent, often going for a walk. SOs who manage to get me to explode tend not to remain SOs for long unless they rectify the issue quickly.
 
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