[INFP] Common INFP Issues

[Morfinyon]

hello.:hi:
I don't know if this applies to you guys, but-- don't you hate it when you can't give a reason in arguments? Especially in social, political stuff? Maybe it's just me?

btw, 8w9 is in my tritype, and I'm a social science kid in my high school which requires lots of talking. I'm easily frustrated when I can't give a voice.

I can usually give reasons for all my arguments. Maybe you just need to tone your Te a bit?

 

[meb2828]

"Hypersensitivity - We often interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. In fact, we sometimes project negativity onto factual, neutral statements. This problem extends to critiques of our values, since as Fi-doms we see our values as fundamental parts of ourselves. Our hypersensitivity can cause us to avoid seeking feedback or evaluation out of fear of it being negative."

^^^^I don't know how to copy this like you guys do, as I'm a new member. Sorry! Haha

In what ways can a person accommodate to this? My boyfriend is an INFP, and while all of these descriptions apply to him, this is one one that is the most troubling in our relationship. If issues arise in our relationship, I find it important to talk them through and take a plan of action. No matter how softly I put something, or how much I try to skip around the nitty gritty details, he still feels like I'm attacking him.

For example, this weekend I tried to speak to him about our issues. As usual, he shook his head up and down, and didn't speak. So I spoke to him about what I do wrong in certain situations where he frustrates me. He said, "well then maybe that's our problem." As soon as I add where I fall short, he uses that to discredit anything he may be doing. He also refereed to our conversation as "me yelling at him," even though I make it clear that I just want us to flourish and to both admit our flaws. I never raise my voice. Then he continued by saying, "I feel like you're trying to change who I am."

I don't think when I propose he should stop doing things to me that he doesn't do to anybody else, I'm trying to changing the foundation of who he is. I mean these issues are common relationship issues that could have easily been dealt with a long time ago, as I only repeat the same issues. I tell him that nobody is perfect, and slip ups are understandable, but I'd like him to try to be consciously aware of where he acts out unreasonably. He tells me he can't, even though he can tell when he upsets me. I can tell in his eyes that he is taking it so harshly when I truly can't put it any more delicately then I already do.

What ways can I accommodate to his feelings? I know he loves me, but I don't know how much longer we can last if he doesn't try to be aware of these things that make me feel understandably disrespected. I know it's not just me being irrational, as my friends have commented. Everyone has relationship issues, and both parties contribute, but I can't continue trying to be a sweet little flower to save his feelings when he doesn't try in return.

 

[Mustafa]

In Norway, when a couple comes to the point of divorce they get leagally one years, upto one years separation. Because solituide and appearent disagreement makes one think. Like prison makes you think reasonably.

 

[PeaceBaby]

"Hypersensitivity - We often interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. In fact, we sometimes project negativity onto factual, neutral statements. This problem extends to critiques of our values, since as Fi-doms we see our values as fundamental parts of ourselves. Our hypersensitivity can cause us to avoid seeking feedback or evaluation out of fear of it being negative."

^^^^I don't know how to copy this like you guys do, as I'm a new member. Sorry! Haha

In what ways can a person accommodate to this? My boyfriend is an INFP, and while all of these descriptions apply to him, this is one one that is the most troubling in our relationship. If issues arise in our relationship, I find it important to talk them through and take a plan of action. No matter how softly I put something, or how much I try to skip around the nitty gritty details, he still feels like I'm attacking him.

For example, this weekend I tried to speak to him about our issues. As usual, he shook his head up and down, and didn't speak. So I spoke to him about what I do wrong in certain situations where he frustrates me. He said, "well then maybe that's our problem." As soon as I add where I fall short, he uses that to discredit anything he may be doing. He also refereed to our conversation as "me yelling at him," even though I make it clear that I just want us to flourish and to both admit our flaws. I never raise my voice. Then he continued by saying, "I feel like you're trying to change who I am."

I don't think when I propose he should stop doing things to me that he doesn't do to anybody else, I'm trying to changing the foundation of who he is. I mean these issues are common relationship issues that could have easily been dealt with a long time ago, as I only repeat the same issues. I tell him that nobody is perfect, and slip ups are understandable, but I'd like him to try to be consciously aware of where he acts out unreasonably. He tells me he can't, even though he can tell when he upsets me. I can tell in his eyes that he is taking it so harshly when I truly can't put it any more delicately then I already do.

What ways can I accommodate to his feelings? I know he loves me, but I don't know how much longer we can last if he doesn't try to be aware of these things that make me feel understandably disrespected. I know it's not just me being irrational, as my friends have commented. Everyone has relationship issues, and both parties contribute, but I can't continue trying to be a sweet little flower to save his feelings when he doesn't try in return.

Funny how "our issues" are mostly "your issues". Don't call them "our issues" when they land squarely on you. You have made yourself the arbiter of what is reasonable vs unreasonable. You are taking something potentially subjective and treating is as objective and expecting agreement. I mean, you are trying to change his behaviour, right? You're putting a flag in the hill and symbolically saying, "I'm not going to accept this particular behaviour. It's either tow the line or you're OUT." INFJs can have a definite tendency to try to manage how others treat them, and can use emotional means to ensure compliance. I know you're likely very sweet and kind, but have you tried just talking about why something bothers you? How it makes you feel on the interior? You're never going to get anywhere with an INFP when you "lay down the law", especially since INFPs are the ones most likely to see a particular values-based hypocrisy in how others wish to be treated but how those same people treat others differently and are blind to their own double-standard.

Tell him how you feel. "I feel hurt." Not "I feel hurt because you did XYZ." That's a start. Good luck to you!

eta: also, just hit "reply with quote" to get the quote like I have above.

 

[meb2828]

Funny how "our issues" are mostly "your issues". Don't call them "our issues" when they land squarely on you. You have made yourself the arbiter of what is reasonable vs unreasonable. You are taking something potentially subjective and treating is as objective and expecting agreement. I mean, you are trying to change his behaviour, right? You're putting a flag in the hill and symbolically saying, "I'm not going to accept this particular behaviour. It's either tow the line or you're OUT." INFJs can have a definite tendency to try to manage how others treat them, and can use emotional means to ensure compliance. I know you're likely very sweet and kind, but have you tried just talking about why something bothers you? How it makes you feel on the interior? You're never going to get anywhere with an INFP when you "lay down the law", especially since INFPs are the ones most likely to see a particular values-based hypocrisy in how others wish to be treated but how those same people treat others differently and are blind to their own double-standard.

Tell him how you feel. "I feel hurt." Not "I feel hurt because you did XYZ." That's a start. Good luck to you!

eta: also, just hit "reply with quote" to get the quote like I have above.

Thank you for your input! Now that I think of it, I have spoken much more about the dynamics of the issue at hand, rather than how they make me feel. I'll add it in here and there, but I don't put emphasis on it. When I tell him how I feel, he has an even harder time speaking. He internalizes that as him being a piece of shit, as he has told me, but still feels completely different about the problem at hand. Thus, I try to stray away from my emotions, because that's not what I want to make him think. That's what doesn't quite make sense to me, and he has that mentality with people in his family as well. I might even guess that his family is a cause of this battle inside of him, because they were quite dysfunctional when he was growing up.

He feels bad when he hurts people, but ultimately thinks the problem is always 100% subjective to the person. He told me the other day that none of his interpersonal problems have anything to do with him. He is very good at seeing peoples inconsistencies, and is also good at holding it back unless it's necessary to speak. Sometimes he holds it back when I think he shouldn't haha, but that's my opinion, and I still respect that part of him greatly. Though, he still blocks out what he could be doing to hurt others. Then he gets to a point where he becomes irrational, thinking that everyone hates him, (when that is certainly not the case) and he can't understand why they "hate him".

It breaks my heart, but I don't know how to bring it up. I really don't want him to think I view him as this fragile little thing that needs fixed. I realize that it's something that he is aware he struggles with, but doesn't understand it. And I clearly don't completely understand it either so I don't want to make it come across that way. He has talked about seeing a therapist, (which I believe mostly everyone should at some point in their lifetime) but he keeps pushing it off. Again, I'm afraid to bring that up too, as I don't want to make him feel like I view him as "fragile."

Man, I'm sorry for this 'rant' haha. I know that not all INFP's are going to have this struggle, but who better than an INFP who understand where he is coming from?

 

[andresimon]

Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?

Honestly, this is my BIGGEST issue as an ENFP as well. It might take 2-3 days for me to figure things out. Unfortunately in today's word 2-3 days is an impossible ask. We spend time alone to get in touch with our Fi. To understand what is most important and what is authentic to us. Once we figure things out we are full steam ahead but if we are not given the opportunity to do so, things can drag on for months or even years.

 

[Puffypolma]

When INFP are angry,their tears usually come out first before they are able to utter out harsh language.

 

[Yama]

No one understands me. It feels like everyone around me is just so shallow. They're all mindless drones, society's sheep, going through the motions every single day. I can't live like that but people expect me to conform anyway. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only real person in the world.

 

[Forever]

No one understands me. It feels like everyone around me is just so shallow. They're all mindless drones, society's sheep, going through the motions every single day. I can't live like that but people expect me to conform anyway. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only real person in the world.

Dear immaculate diary, my beloved and esteemed one,

Hacking away on cashier booths from 9am to 5pm, no true emotion but frustration stems from us. The horrors of being a mindless being. You're born. You go to school. You get a job. Get possibly married. And then you die. Your life is nothing else. Everyone tells you to be that way when nature calls and beckons for us. The soothing whispers of the wind, whistled by the trees, tickles by the sounds of the water. We're hurt. Nobody loves nature and that tells us human society is degrading by the second. Because we ignore, we get ignored.

Why did God let society be this way? Idk. I just dk (also can literally say dee kay imitating "decay" for double meaning.)

Sometimes I think you only get me diary...

I feel like tacos.

 

[Virgo1987]

I can usually give reasons for all my arguments. Maybe you just need to tone your Te a bit?

I'm right there with ya!

 

[Smilephantomhive]

Do any INFPs relate to this?

My INFP sister sucks at arguing in person (like her points/evidence is not logical, sometimes she doesn't even have any evidence), but she is okay when she writes them out like in an essay or something.

 

[Ghost]

Do any INFPs relate to this?

My INFP sister sucks at arguing in person (like her points/evidence is not logical, sometimes she doesn't even have any evidence), but she is okay when she writes them out like in an essay or something.

Yah, I used to have a similar problem. I've gotten much better at articulating myself, but I tend not to get into arguments/debates because pondering over the course of a few weeks allows me to come to more solid conclusions. By the time I get there, just knowing my thoughts on the topic is satisfying and I don't bother sharing what I came up with. This makes people outside of my family think I'm less judgmental than I am.

I still do better in writing alone than in real time speech or text. My thoughts as they're occurring are often too shallow to signify much and or my points any justice. Something about laying the words out on a document makes them clearer and easier to organize.

 

[Flâneuse]

Do any INFPs relate to this?

My INFP sister sucks at arguing in person (like her points/evidence is not logical, sometimes she doesn't even have any evidence), but she is okay when she writes them out like in an essay or something.

Yes, I relate. My thought process tends to be very non-linear and organizing ideas takes a lot more mental effort than generating them. If I’m going to make a structured argument, I need to write down what I think before organizing my ideas into a structure, or at the very least have plenty of time to work it out in my head.

I can also relate to seeming irrational or like I have little to no evidence for what I think, if I haven’t prepared to speak about it ahead of time. Sometimes it’s because once I’ve picked up on a pattern, the specific examples fade into the background of my mind a bit as I focus more on the pattern itself. If it’s been a while since I’ve thought about something, I can talk about my conclusion but I might struggle to immediately recall the specifics that led me to it. (I’m not sure if this is a common INFP problem, though -- it could just be that I have an unusually crappy memory). I’ve also jumped to conclusions based on a few occurrences and, upon further inspection, realized I didn’t have enough evidence and failed to look at all the ways in which my conclusion didn’t match reality. (I think this occurs mostly when I'm in a FiSi loop. I've also heard this is common among Ne-inferior people.) I then have to take a closer look at the evidence and redraw my conclusions accordingly.

On the other hand, if I’m just expressing a thought or opinion but not really trying to make an organized, evidence-based argument, I usually don't have much trouble explaining myself in person. Speaking to someone directly actually encourages me to get to the point, but when writing I'm more tempted to over-elaborate and sometimes end up obscuring the main thing I'm trying to say.

 

[Morfinyon]

Do any INFPs relate to this?

My INFP sister sucks at arguing in person (like her points/evidence is not logical, sometimes she doesn't even have any evidence), but she is okay when she writes them out like in an essay or something.

I can sort of relate to it. I've always had a tough time expressing myself accurately because I assumed that the thought processes that went into my conclusions would be easy to follow and replicate. I also tend to forget them so reproducing them for someone else tends to be quite difficult =D

Since I became active in politics and stuff like that I've learned to structure my thoughts and express myself in a way that other people can actually follow. I'm much much better at arguing in person now. Being an INFP brings some great advantages to the table as well that anyone who tries to improve their debating skills will most definitely notice.

 

[nightlymajor]

I've heard a lot that INFPs sometimes have a problem communicating a certain issue or explaining something in a conversation. I don't think I have this problem, however, whenever I try to write something down and give a good argument, teachers don't seem to like / understand (?) my line of thinking. It seems to me that I prefer structures of thinking that do not align with what is objectively looked for by the teacher, and thus they usually prefer students with a clearer structure and more obvious thoughts. When I was younger I thought I was bad at writing because of this, but now I'm starting to question that. Maybe I'm just misunderstood in writing and overcomplicate my arguments.

 

[Virgo1987]

Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?

I don't really find myself retreating that often.

I solve all of my problems internally. I don't mean that in a selfish way either, but I know personally that nothing and no one is going to solve a problem I'm having. So I go through processes inside and I come to a decision. Sometimes it will take a minute or weeks. Sometimes it's the littlest thing too like do I buy this now or do I buy this later. So there is a process but I come to it individually. I hardly ever reach out to anyone for advice as to what I can do about my own problems I'm having with something.

I guess it's like multitasking? I'll process and do just that -- play games or design. Listen to music. But I'm doing the processing and the hobby at the same time. They kind of go hand in hand especially if I'm being creative.

Tear down? I'm not sure what you're asking, but I find it hard to start from scratch about a lot of things. I'm better at it now because I'm more in the realm of life is too short if I hold on to everything I felt before forever then my whole life will be taken up by the same issue. In short I've taught myself to get over it because people are who they are.

I would love for people to check I'm on me, but no one tends to do that. I'm always the friend or relative that just jumps up to say hi and ask how someone is doing. It makes me feel like I bother people to be honest so now Ive cut way back and force myself to get into a habit of not asking.

I'm nit always upset about it either. At first I used to be really upset that no one checked up on me like I would then, but now I just say you're probably annoying them so don't reach out to them. It's hard though and thr closer I am to peoole the more it's a struggle.

 

[Virgo1987]

I've heard a lot that INFPs sometimes have a problem communicating a certain issue or explaining something in a conversation. I don't think I have this problem, however, whenever I try to write something down and give a good argument, teachers don't seem to like / understand (?) my line of thinking. It seems to me that I prefer structures of thinking that do not align with what is objectively looked for by the teacher, and thus they usually prefer students with a clearer structure and more obvious thoughts. When I was younger I thought I was bad at writing because of this, but now I'm starting to question that. Maybe I'm just misunderstood in writing and overcomplicate my arguments.

Understood.

I've been told by a friend that I contradict myself and it does offend me.

I think I just try to cover all all areas or several areas which just happen to be outside of the norm.

I look at myself in Fandom for years and years now and it's like I always get caught up in a discussion where I'm trying to get a point across that isn't thr norm and people are just like there is no place for you. I try to cover all areas while voicing my own opinion and it's still not the right thing to do.

The more eccentric and diverse your opinions are, the more society isn't going to like you which is ironic because in a school setting everyone is trying to enforce students to think outside the box and be individual... until someone is and then it's like yeah okay, interesting, who's next?

Just don't stop being who you are. Some people want that. To mold others into something else or something of the norm so they can put a cookie cutter label on you. Pride yourself in your individual thoughts and your ability to be vocal about them.

Sometimes people have the differing thoughts but fall back and fall to the norm to be accepted.

 

[Mvika]

sorry, just a newbie catching up with old gold. have to agree with everything here though I am an E, not INFP. At least, the INFp has the comfort of staying true to their values even at the expense of becoming unpopular. Sometimes, the need for social connections and the temptations of chasing excitement makes your E cousins choose the path of expediency. I wish I had the courage to be a values-driven leader like INFP.

 

[thistlechaser]

Sometimes it’s because once I’ve picked up on a pattern, the specific examples fade into the background of my mind a bit as I focus more on the pattern itself. If it’s been a while since I’ve thought about something, I can talk about my conclusion but I might struggle to immediately recall the specifics that led me to it. (I’m not sure if this is a common INFP problem, though -- it could just be that I have an unusually crappy memory).

I experience this, too. The question that always derails what I'm saying is when someone says "Well can you give me an example?" Umm. I don't remember? I don't know how to explain to people that I can hold onto the summary of what happened without remembering the actual details and that it isn't just me making stuff up. It's frustrating. I need for people to just let me talk it out until I get what it is out in whatever form it's encoded in my memory as.

 

[skippythecat]

do you identify emotion as part of your identity or a by-product?

My friend keeps talking about how emotions play such a key role in her everyday decision. I know Fi is not emotion (vice versa) but being at peace with her emotions mean a lot to her.