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Thread: Common INFP Issues

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    That's...odd. I disagree that that's a common issue, at least for me. It may seem that way but it sounds extremely sort of self-pitying.
    Yep, it probably isn't as common issue as self-pitying.

    No, but really, in my case, I don't mean this at all like self-pitying, it just that there are certain prerequisites that limit my options greatly. Like, I don't feel any attraction to anyone without knowing them first. So, it inevitably leads to many friend-zone situations.

  2. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I'm thinking that if you are dating an FJ, it would be useful to let them know in what way you will respond best to them expressing their affection for you. It only really becomes a problem when the way the person is accustomed to doing so is rejected, but no substitute is offered instead. It may seem like that should be intuitive, but it isn't always. For example, I would tend to show physical affection because I like being close, but I would see it as more intrusive than verbal affection so only do it with a very, very select few and even then not in the same way that it sounds like an NFP who's let someone into their inner circle would. I do like to surprise people with little presents or things they'd like, but I've found that some people really feel uncomfortable with that as well (even if they aren't expensive things). I'm not sure why that is. I've found that for people who reject some of my most natural ways of expressing affection, they often respond best to something homemade or cooked for them. Why would that be?
    Being able to tell an FJ that would be nice, but one has to be able to tell the person is an FJ as well. I'd love to have a better idea of types walking into situations so I know better how to communicate rather than guess guess guess guess guess. ^_^ Writen, I'd be ok with, but how to react, I'd need a better idea on what would be apropreate. Again, I'd like to push the concept of love languages which is something I feel is an imporant inventory for understanding what people will appreciate and what they may not, and that goes for both sides.
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  3. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    That's...odd. I disagree that that's a common issue, at least for me. It may seem that way but it sounds extremely sort of self-pitying. One, do you notice that you are attracted to people with the sole quality of being unattainable? That's something you should figure out and not blame being INFP. If you want a romantic relationship, go out there and get it
    Well, the only reason I blame being an INFP is that I'm always too shy and I fear rejection. I've let way too many guys slip out of my grasp simply because I wasn't ambitious enough to get them, or the ones I did get thought I didn't care because I was awkward in expressing my affection.

    Like I said, it's probably just me... :/

    Hmm...

    Sorry, I wasn't trying to shift all the attention over to me. You guys can carry on.

  4. #64
    Away with the fairies Array Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    How can a person close to an INFP help to keep them from falling into depression (via Fi-Si loop or preoccupation with negative thoughts/feelings)? Or do they just need to give them space to work through it?
    Hmmm, this is hard to answer. INFP emotional states can be very much separate to outside influences. Even we struggle to influence them - our emotions seem to have a mind of their own. Of course, external states have a big impact on our lives but changing the environment, circumstances or approach to helping a depressed INFP will rarely have a meaningful effect. Our negative emotional states are like a storm that cannot be prevented or redirected by others or even ourselves. We just have to batten down the hatches and try to get through it relatively unscathed.

    I think when I've been in a really bad place emotionally I really don't want to talk about it. I spend most of the time chewing the negative stuff over and over in my own head all day long and don't want to be further reminded of it. I guess I prefer to be left alone to enjoy the few pleasures I have (this could be reading, watching films, surfing the net etc) without being criticized or pressured to change. I still respond to offers to go out and do things but like being given the choice to opt out more easily. Passive support is the best thing at such times - I need a lot of leeway. People judging me for the way I'm behaving is like a knife to the chest. They fail to realize how truly miserable and vulnerable I am because I can seem relatively cheerful and upbeat at times - I leave the hurting to be done on the inside.

    On a daily basis, what kind of recharging time do you think you need? I find myself annoyed if there are never any mental breaks in a conversation and the other person just yatters on and on and on, but I don't need tons of alone time. I enjoy some HAT time from time to time, but still want to have 10 min bits of access to people when I need it. I know that many other INFJs are not like that. I think this may have to do with being a social first and also not being an E4 or E5.
    This depends very much on circumstances. For me the amount of alone time I need is dependant on how much privacy I have been given as well and how much 'performing' I have had to do. If I have spent a whole day outside my comfort zone, when I get home, others should expect to see a figurative (or literal) door slammed in their face for several hours at least.
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  5. #65
    Vaguely Precise Array Seymour's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    Maybe it is that I know I should be giving presents to people and so on, but I rarely do and then when you do it, I am reminded about my own seemingly unaffectionate behavior, and I feel embarrassed.
    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Wow! That last statement is almost verbatim what a friend of mine said to me. She said something about her just feeling like she was a bad friend or something because she didn't. For me, it's more about finding the right thing for someone (big or little) and seeing the look on their face when they get it or knowing that you're making their life a little bit easier. I tend to accept just as joyfully as an expression of how well they know me and that I crossed their mind.
    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    ^ how would you feel if that gesture wasn't reciprocated, at some point in time?
    So the above exchange gets at some fundamental issues I find I have with Fe. I do better with Fe-oriented gestures when I think of it as a language in which you express the importance of others.

    Still, as an Fi-dom, I still have the nagging sense that the only expressions that mean anything are those that are done in freedom without any obligation or expectation. This puts me in a Catch-22 when something is expected of me, because I fear that even if I do care for the person it will look as though I'm acting grudgingly out of obligation.

    I find it especially puzzling since the FJs I know manage to express themselves appropriately yet warmly: a personal, approving FJ valuation or gesture is a wonderful thing. Still, expecting that I should give a thoughtful gift, return a visit or go to a graduation (can you tell I really dislike graduations?) evokes a certain amount of internal resentment. It somehow makes caring acts I would have done anyway suddenly suspect.

    So, I realize all that is irrational on some level, but I can't pretend it still doesn't have an internal effect.

    I do understand how FJs get tired of being judged as kind of feeling automatons who blindly carry out a societal algorithm with no critical thought involved. I know that one's relationship to societal expectations and rituals as an Fe-user is much more complex than that. Still, I feel like FJs more often come across as native speakers of social rituals and builders and maintainers of social networks than Fi-users do. They may not agree with every aspect of the surrounding society, but they do seem far better at using social protocols as a means of self expression and network building.

    So seriously, fidelia, (and I'm not trying to be insulting or insinuating here) as an INFJ do you find yourself tracking any kind of social currency among your friends? Does it bother you if you get a thoughtful gift for someone and they don't respond in kind? If they express deep appreciation upon receiving the gift (or soon after), is that enough? I tend to have a lurking suspicion that I'm letting my FJ friends down without meaning to or even being aware of it.

  6. #66
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    I highly recommend a book called "Do What You Are". It's not the sort of book you read cover to cover, you just pick it up, find your MB section and return it to the library, sort of thing. Anyway, I read the section on INFPs and found it very helpful; I've mostly absorbed it and can't recite it, but I do remember it turned all our issues on their heads and basically said INFPs do well in creative environments where they feel valued and have flexibility, something like that.

  7. #67
    Away with the fairies Array Southern Kross's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seymour View Post
    ... Still, as an Fi-dom, I still have the nagging sense that the only expressions that mean anything are those that are done in freedom without any obligation or expectation. This puts me in a Catch-22 when something is expected of me, because I fear that even if I do care for the person it will look as though I'm acting grudgingly out of obligation.

    I find it especially puzzling since the FJs I know manage to express themselves appropriately yet warmly: a personal, approving FJ valuation or gesture is a wonderful thing. Still, expecting that I should give a thoughtful gift, return a visit or go to a graduation (can you tell I really dislike graduations?) evokes a certain amount of internal resentment. It somehow makes caring acts I would have done anyway suddenly suspect.
    I feel exactly the same way. I'd rather not pay a compliment, for example, than do so and have it sound trite, affected or obligatory. I only want to express appreciation and admiration when I am so full of feeling that I am almost compelled to do so. I'd like to think it has so much more significance then. I feel like other common expressions are merely undertaken out of politeness (which I adhere to for the sake of others).

    But a lot of this is due to a very self-conscious, analytical approach to feeling. XXFJs may be able to simply feel and take action without second guessing themselves...
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    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

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  8. #68
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    Here's the thing - I would never compliment someone just because I thought it was advantageous to or because I thought the person needed to feel good right then. That would be horrible ingenuous and I value sincerity just as much as you do. It jsut seems to be again that idea of Fi emotion/generosity/feeling etc coming in spurts like an injection would deliver medicine all at once rather than being like a Fe slow release tablet that is smaller in dose, but steadier.

  9. #69
    Vaguely Precise Array Seymour's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Here's the thing - I would never compliment someone just because I thought it was advantageous to or because I thought the person needed to feel good right then. That would be horrible ingenuous and I value sincerity just as much as you do. It jsut seems to be again that idea of Fi emotion/generosity/feeling etc coming in spurts like an injection would deliver medicine all at once rather than being like a Fe slow release tablet that is smaller in dose, but steadier.
    Sure wasn't trying to imply insincerity or anything. I was more trying to capture that social expectations seems to create a barrier to Fi-based emotional expression, but creates more of a space or medium to express things for Fe-users. I see warm, genuine Fe-style expressions from others and appreciate them, but somehow still struggle with expressing myself that way personally.

  10. #70
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    I think you're very right in that. What does create the right environment for a Fi user to express those feelings (other than it not being expected or even implied by convention that it is)?

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