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Thread: Common INFP Issues

  1. #41
    にゃん Array runvardh's Avatar
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    I prefer appreciation to come in the form of non-verbal action oriented things rather than telling me straight out which feels about as subtle as a fireworks display - rather embarrassing - or it can feel rather meh since so many people do it. Doing things for me, doing things with me, surprising me with the things I like, that will get you a better response in my case.
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  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    I prefer appreciation to come in the form of non-verbal action oriented things rather than telling me straight out which feels about as subtle as a fireworks display - rather embarrassing - or it can feel rather meh since so many people do it. Doing things for me, doing things with me, surprising me with the things I like, that will get you a better response in my case.
    Yeah. I like to be appreciated but it feels really uncomfortable for me when someone says it out loud because I always wonder if there is the expectation that I too have to now verbally express my feelings. I don't do it well since I keep remembering that it is all lies in some ways, because the feelings cannot be translated into words properly. It's like these stress levels jump up because there is a contradiction about the expectations. I would have to say something nice that feels phony to me, something that I wouldn't normally say. It is like the many parts of my mind turn against each other.

    So, I usually smile and don't return the compliment.

  3. #43
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    Same^

    When someone shows appreciation for me verbally, I get all shy and bashful. Where as, if someone were to give me a hug, or cookies or...whatever, I would be much more sincere in my thanking.

  4. #44
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    Yes, all friends of INFPs should have a cookie jar with them at all times.

  5. #45
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    What about if the appreciate was written instead of in real time? Would you guys say generally that physical affection or acts of service would be better?

  6. #46
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    In my case, yes. Actions! It is a lot less intimidating if it is written, tough. I will most likely enjoy reading it through, but it still "forces" me to respond to it, and the response will always fell short of what I feel towards them, or it might be a polite "give them something to dodge the question" kind of answer if I really don't appreciate them.

    Also, I will have to "dig" for the answer. If I have understood correctly, you FJs have this somehow crystallized image of other people that you can just write down with no problem. I don't have that. If you ask me now something about someone, I will have to go look for it in my mind and kinda "taste" what I am feeling towards them. It seems like an impossible task to say exactly why I like a person.

    Personally I don't know many situations in which I would like to answer the question "how do you like me" because it is very loaded question. There are social expectations and I should still try to stay true to myself. Actually the only times I remember actually saying something like this (voluntarily) have been when I am in love with someone. And still it feels weird, even though I am being honest to myself and probably make the other feel good about themselves. I guess here it comes down to not wanting to "nail it down". If i was fair, I should say: "I feel like this today, but even if I make this statement you should not expect it to be the same next month", and who wants to hear something like that?

  7. #47
    Seriously Delirious Array Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    I call it "squeeky wheel syndrome". I find that he has a tendancy to rush to satisfy whoever screams the loudest regardless of the significance of that person or how good/bad that person treats him. I find myself feeling like I am left out in the cold a lot of times. So then I get upset which results in him bending over backwards to make me happy. Then I get comfy and he runs off to put out the next fire and the next one and the next one - then I get upset again. Then he comes back around. It's difficult for me to relate to becuase I treat the people who are consistantly the nicest and most considerate of me the best and the idots and asses can go straight to hell. It seems to be the other way around with him.

    I'm exhausted! I've tried talking about it with him. He drives himself (not just me) crazy. Any advice short of me jumping up and down raising hell everyday?
    This can be a very deep issue, and often goes back to childhood. (It often occurs when a child feels like love from their parent is conditional, so develops this near panic inducing need to make them happy, which in turn becomes an ingrained behavior that gets transferred to other types of relationships.)

    Without going to a therapist, I think the keys involve

    1) Increasing awareness - he needs to understand what he is doing, and what emotional triggers are causing him to bend over backwards for these people.
    2) Once he understands why he is compelled to be treated this way, he needs to accept it as something that just "is". Beating himself up only increases guilt and shame, which feeds into the cycle. With acceptance, he will be able to release its grip, let the initial "I must fix this feeling" pass, and intelligently consider different ways to react. It's possible to accept what is while still recognizing there are better options.
    3) Increase his self esteem to a point where he genuinely believes it's NOT okay to treat him that way.

    To start off with, simply TALK with him and take time to understand and help him understand what's going on. Don't pressure him into changing right away, simply listen and ask questions. "What do you feel when X person does this?" "What do you hope to accomplish by rushing to help the person right away?" "What do you think would happen if you didn't drop everything?" "What do you think would happen if you said 'No'?" It's important that you don't judge him here if you want him to feel safe to open up.

    Also, if it's family that is doing this to him, it's going to be 100x more difficult, with the gains probably being slower than if it's some crappy "friends".

  8. #48
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    I wrote a bunch of stuff in another tab and then, someone important sent me a message so I had to read it, when I came back to my computer I closed the tab I wrote in. Boo! Having a bad memory sucks!

  9. #49
    Seriously Delirious Array Udog's Avatar
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    Right click -> Reopen (or undo if you are using Firefox) closed tab?

  10. #50
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    In my case, yes. Actions! It is a lot less intimidating if it is written, tough. I will most likely enjoy reading it through, but it still "forces" me to respond to it, and the response will always fell short of what I feel towards them, or it might be a polite "give them something to dodge the question" kind of answer if I really don't appreciate them.

    Also, I will have to "dig" for the answer. If I have understood correctly, you FJs have this somehow crystallized image of other people that you can just write down with no problem. I don't have that. If you ask me now something about someone, I will have to go look for it in my mind and kinda "taste" what I am feeling towards them. It seems like an impossible task to say exactly why I like a person.

    Personally I don't know many situations in which I would like to answer the question "how do you like me" because it is very loaded question. There are social expectations and I should still try to stay true to myself. Actually the only times I remember actually saying something like this (voluntarily) have been when I am in love with someone. And still it feels weird, even though I am being honest to myself and probably make the other feel good about themselves. I guess here it comes down to not wanting to "nail it down". If i was fair, I should say: "I feel like this today, but even if I make this statement you should not expect it to be the same next month", and who wants to hear something like that?

    I had never considered that other people don't have a fairly ready picture of how they feel towards someone else. If you asked me about any friend, acquaintance, SO, relative, co-worker, roommate or classmate, I would probably be able to give a run down of my impressions of them, the reasons I have arrived at those impressions, where they rank in my heart, and my feelings towards them. I may reclassify, but it is based on the whole course of my experience with them. (Interesting too that INFJs tend to feel much more comfortable when they have defined what kind of relationship they're going to have with any given person. It provides a sense of closure and knowing how to proceed with the person).

    I'm wondering if part of the reason that is not as common for you guys to have a ready assessment like that is that you tend to go on a more time by time basis with people? It's not that you don't have an overall long term picture, but I think if someone's a little different than they were last time, you take it more at face value as who they are during this particular exchange today. In my case, I would be constantly evaluating whether they fit into the picture I previously had of them, whether they are acting in character or whether I was totally mistaken. I don't think anyone ever likes being put on the spot to answer, "How do you feel about me?" I just never thought that telling someone how you feel about them (short of things like the first I love you etc) would make them that uncomfortable, especially when it is positive and you like the person it's coming from.

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