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Thread: Common INFP Issues

  1. #361
    Senior Member Array Morfinyon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Radian View Post
    hello.
    I don't know if this applies to you guys, but-- don't you hate it when you can't give a reason in arguments? Especially in social, political stuff? Maybe it's just me?


    I can usually give reasons for all my arguments. Maybe you just need to tone your Te a bit?
    meow~

  2. #362
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    "Hypersensitivity - We often interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. In fact, we sometimes project negativity onto factual, neutral statements. This problem extends to critiques of our values, since as Fi-doms we see our values as fundamental parts of ourselves. Our hypersensitivity can cause us to avoid seeking feedback or evaluation out of fear of it being negative."

    ^^^^I don't know how to copy this like you guys do, as I'm a new member. Sorry! Haha

    In what ways can a person accommodate to this? My boyfriend is an INFP, and while all of these descriptions apply to him, this is one one that is the most troubling in our relationship. If issues arise in our relationship, I find it important to talk them through and take a plan of action. No matter how softly I put something, or how much I try to skip around the nitty gritty details, he still feels like I'm attacking him.

    For example, this weekend I tried to speak to him about our issues. As usual, he shook his head up and down, and didn't speak. So I spoke to him about what I do wrong in certain situations where he frustrates me. He said, "well then maybe that's our problem." As soon as I add where I fall short, he uses that to discredit anything he may be doing. He also refereed to our conversation as "me yelling at him," even though I make it clear that I just want us to flourish and to both admit our flaws. I never raise my voice. Then he continued by saying, "I feel like you're trying to change who I am."

    I don't think when I propose he should stop doing things to me that he doesn't do to anybody else, I'm trying to changing the foundation of who he is. I mean these issues are common relationship issues that could have easily been dealt with a long time ago, as I only repeat the same issues. I tell him that nobody is perfect, and slip ups are understandable, but I'd like him to try to be consciously aware of where he acts out unreasonably. He tells me he can't, even though he can tell when he upsets me. I can tell in his eyes that he is taking it so harshly when I truly can't put it any more delicately then I already do.

    What ways can I accommodate to his feelings? I know he loves me, but I don't know how much longer we can last if he doesn't try to be aware of these things that make me feel understandably disrespected. I know it's not just me being irrational, as my friends have commented. Everyone has relationship issues, and both parties contribute, but I can't continue trying to be a sweet little flower to save his feelings when he doesn't try in return.

  3. #363
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    In Norway, when a couple comes to the point of divorce they get leagally one years, upto one years separation. Because solituide and appearent disagreement makes one think. Like prison makes you think reasonably.

  4. #364
    thankful Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by meb2828 View Post
    "Hypersensitivity - We often interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. In fact, we sometimes project negativity onto factual, neutral statements. This problem extends to critiques of our values, since as Fi-doms we see our values as fundamental parts of ourselves. Our hypersensitivity can cause us to avoid seeking feedback or evaluation out of fear of it being negative."

    ^^^^I don't know how to copy this like you guys do, as I'm a new member. Sorry! Haha

    In what ways can a person accommodate to this? My boyfriend is an INFP, and while all of these descriptions apply to him, this is one one that is the most troubling in our relationship. If issues arise in our relationship, I find it important to talk them through and take a plan of action. No matter how softly I put something, or how much I try to skip around the nitty gritty details, he still feels like I'm attacking him.

    For example, this weekend I tried to speak to him about our issues. As usual, he shook his head up and down, and didn't speak. So I spoke to him about what I do wrong in certain situations where he frustrates me. He said, "well then maybe that's our problem." As soon as I add where I fall short, he uses that to discredit anything he may be doing. He also refereed to our conversation as "me yelling at him," even though I make it clear that I just want us to flourish and to both admit our flaws. I never raise my voice. Then he continued by saying, "I feel like you're trying to change who I am."

    I don't think when I propose he should stop doing things to me that he doesn't do to anybody else, I'm trying to changing the foundation of who he is. I mean these issues are common relationship issues that could have easily been dealt with a long time ago, as I only repeat the same issues. I tell him that nobody is perfect, and slip ups are understandable, but I'd like him to try to be consciously aware of where he acts out unreasonably. He tells me he can't, even though he can tell when he upsets me. I can tell in his eyes that he is taking it so harshly when I truly can't put it any more delicately then I already do.

    What ways can I accommodate to his feelings? I know he loves me, but I don't know how much longer we can last if he doesn't try to be aware of these things that make me feel understandably disrespected. I know it's not just me being irrational, as my friends have commented. Everyone has relationship issues, and both parties contribute, but I can't continue trying to be a sweet little flower to save his feelings when he doesn't try in return.

    Funny how "our issues" are mostly "your issues". Don't call them "our issues" when they land squarely on you. You have made yourself the arbiter of what is reasonable vs unreasonable. You are taking something potentially subjective and treating is as objective and expecting agreement. I mean, you are trying to change his behaviour, right? You're putting a flag in the hill and symbolically saying, "I'm not going to accept this particular behaviour. It's either tow the line or you're OUT." INFJs can have a definite tendency to try to manage how others treat them, and can use emotional means to ensure compliance. I know you're likely very sweet and kind, but have you tried just talking about why something bothers you? How it makes you feel on the interior? You're never going to get anywhere with an INFP when you "lay down the law", especially since INFPs are the ones most likely to see a particular values-based hypocrisy in how others wish to be treated but how those same people treat others differently and are blind to their own double-standard.

    Tell him how you feel. "I feel hurt." Not "I feel hurt because you did XYZ." That's a start. Good luck to you!

    eta: also, just hit "reply with quote" to get the quote like I have above.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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  5. #365
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Funny how "our issues" are mostly "your issues". Don't call them "our issues" when they land squarely on you. You have made yourself the arbiter of what is reasonable vs unreasonable. You are taking something potentially subjective and treating is as objective and expecting agreement. I mean, you are trying to change his behaviour, right? You're putting a flag in the hill and symbolically saying, "I'm not going to accept this particular behaviour. It's either tow the line or you're OUT." INFJs can have a definite tendency to try to manage how others treat them, and can use emotional means to ensure compliance. I know you're likely very sweet and kind, but have you tried just talking about why something bothers you? How it makes you feel on the interior? You're never going to get anywhere with an INFP when you "lay down the law", especially since INFPs are the ones most likely to see a particular values-based hypocrisy in how others wish to be treated but how those same people treat others differently and are blind to their own double-standard.

    Tell him how you feel. "I feel hurt." Not "I feel hurt because you did XYZ." That's a start. Good luck to you!

    eta: also, just hit "reply with quote" to get the quote like I have above.
    Thank you for your input! Now that I think of it, I have spoken much more about the dynamics of the issue at hand, rather than how they make me feel. I'll add it in here and there, but I don't put emphasis on it. When I tell him how I feel, he has an even harder time speaking. He internalizes that as him being a piece of shit, as he has told me, but still feels completely different about the problem at hand. Thus, I try to stray away from my emotions, because that's not what I want to make him think. That's what doesn't quite make sense to me, and he has that mentality with people in his family as well. I might even guess that his family is a cause of this battle inside of him, because they were quite dysfunctional when he was growing up.

    He feels bad when he hurts people, but ultimately thinks the problem is always 100% subjective to the person. He told me the other day that none of his interpersonal problems have anything to do with him. He is very good at seeing peoples inconsistencies, and is also good at holding it back unless it's necessary to speak. Sometimes he holds it back when I think he shouldn't haha, but that's my opinion, and I still respect that part of him greatly. Though, he still blocks out what he could be doing to hurt others. Then he gets to a point where he becomes irrational, thinking that everyone hates him, (when that is certainly not the case) and he can't understand why they "hate him".

    It breaks my heart, but I don't know how to bring it up. I really don't want him to think I view him as this fragile little thing that needs fixed. I realize that it's something that he is aware he struggles with, but doesn't understand it. And I clearly don't completely understand it either so I don't want to make it come across that way. He has talked about seeing a therapist, (which I believe mostly everyone should at some point in their lifetime) but he keeps pushing it off. Again, I'm afraid to bring that up too, as I don't want to make him feel like I view him as "fragile."

    Man, I'm sorry for this 'rant' haha. I know that not all INFP's are going to have this struggle, but who better than an INFP who understand where he is coming from?

  6. #366
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Can you comment on the tendancy to cocoon when you guys need to sort something out of think it over? What are you doing during that process (when to the outside it may look like reading, playing video games, smoking etc)? How do you go about solving the problem at hand? (I've heard some INFPs say that they have to complete tear down the existing stuff and start from scratch) Do you want people to leave you alone, or respectfully check in on you now and again?
    Honestly, this is my BIGGEST issue as an ENFP as well. It might take 2-3 days for me to figure things out. Unfortunately in today's word 2-3 days is an impossible ask. We spend time alone to get in touch with our Fi. To understand what is most important and what is authentic to us. Once we figure things out we are full steam ahead but if we are not given the opportunity to do so, things can drag on for months or even years.

  7. #367
    Bizarre Love Triangle Array Puffypolma's Avatar
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    When INFP are angry,their tears usually come out first before they are able to utter out harsh language.
    I don't want to die in a car accident. When I die it'll be a glorious day. It'll probably be a waterfall.
    -River Phoenix

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    Oɴᴇ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ Array Yamato Nadeshiko's Avatar
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    No one understands me. It feels like everyone around me is just so shallow. They're all mindless drones, society's sheep, going through the motions every single day. I can't live like that but people expect me to conform anyway. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only real person in the world.


    knowing what makes us happy
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  9. #369
    Fantasticality. Array Forever's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yamato Nadeshiko View Post
    No one understands me. It feels like everyone around me is just so shallow. They're all mindless drones, society's sheep, going through the motions every single day. I can't live like that but people expect me to conform anyway. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only real person in the world.
    Dear immaculate diary, my beloved and esteemed one,

    Hacking away on cashier booths from 9am to 5pm, no true emotion but frustration stems from us. The horrors of being a mindless being. You're born. You go to school. You get a job. Get possibly married. And then you die. Your life is nothing else. Everyone tells you to be that way when nature calls and beckons for us. The soothing whispers of the wind, whistled by the trees, tickles by the sounds of the water. We're hurt. Nobody loves nature and that tells us human society is degrading by the second. Because we ignore, we get ignored.

    Why did God let society be this way? Idk. I just dk (also can literally say dee kay imitating "decay" for double meaning.)

    Sometimes I think you only get me diary...

    I feel like tacos.
    Why you looking for a harmony?
    There is harmony in everything
    It's a butterfly who waits for wind
    To fly away

    If you're looking for a dream girl
    I'll never be your dream girl
    Living in the real world
    Looking for a dream girl

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  10. #370
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morfinyon View Post
    I can usually give reasons for all my arguments. Maybe you just need to tone your Te a bit?
    I'm right there with ya!

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