I actually envy those of you on here who question your type. Those questions come from being balanced in some ways I think. Me? I'm the INFP poster child. No balance at all.
It hurts, how much I feel. And it scares me, how trippy my inner life is. And it causes me life problems, how "flexible" I am with time and plans. And although I'm very good socially (charming as can be), I so look forward to coming back to my "cave" and being alone for hours on end. I visualize it as a little slice of heaven as I'm walking through the city to my apartment, and I imagine what it will look like this time, how its vibe will be affected by what I was just doing and where I just was. And then I open the door, and I'm home, and it's so me, and it's not affected at all. And all the stress just falls away.
Today, I'm sitting here watching "Something the Lord Made," and I've been crying about every five minutes, in part because of the amazing medical advancements this movie documents, but mostly because of Mos Def's incredible performance. I love his acting. I'd watch him in anything. And "Sixteen Blocks," have you seen him in that? OMG. Seeing this kind of brilliance beaks my heart in the best way.
And yesterday, I saw a guy running with his gorgeous Golden Retriever, and that dog was so happy, nipping at his master's hand in a playful way, and I swear, that dog was smiling. And yes, I cried, right there in the middle of busy midtown DC. Had to pause for a while and regroup just so I could go back upstairs and get back to work.
I just got a text from my best friend on the other side of the country. He actually texted me while working out to tell me that my music is inspiring his workout, and he can't wait for me to write some more.
And I got an email from another great friend first thing this morning, who said he's sad about my recent panic attacks, and that he loves me, and that he is my "brother."
And I got a text from my beautiful and wonderful ex-wife about an hour ago, telling me she's sitting on a beach, thinking about me, listening to Bob Marley, and she told me she loves me and that "every little thing is gonna be alright."
Did these messages make me happy? Of course. I'm so lucky to be so loved, and I would kill or die without pause for any of these people. But mainly these messages just made me cry, and deeply. Why? Who knows?
God it hurts being this INFP. I feel doomed to feel so much, and it makes my heart literally hurt every single day, but listen: I wouldn't trade it for the world. Conflicted? You betcha.
So tonight I will probably do several different drugs, and get higher than I've ever been... again. Why? To escape myself, to escape this pain, and to take the trip even deeper. And I know I'll feel something new tonight while I'm high. And as much as all this feeling hurts, I need new feelings and emotions all the time, just to keep me going.
God I'm a mess.