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  1. #11
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    Abstract, I'm not an INFP, but I can relate to what you describe: being very much at the mercy of intense internal feelings and notions and seeing that most of the people around me seemingly don't have such reactions and feeling weak and overwhelmed because of it.

    Being sensitive like this is exceptionally bittersweet. And conflicting. And stressful, especially when you encounter people who believe it needs to be "fixed" and thats by being them. But its also aggravated when one is very isolated, too. So, I just want to let you know I hear you and feel you and I suspect so many people can relate, but maybe they feel conflicted like you do and demoralized. They aren't going to express it in public. Its going to be ridiculed, and its scary.

    So, while I want you to feel validated and don't want to lecture and instruct anyone on how they should be, the thing about the drug use (you explained really well why you rely on it) seems to me like it is keeping you out of practice with being yourself, with all the feeling and depth therein. And whenever you're out of practice being or doing something, getting back to it becomes harder. And just personally here, I feel the more practice I have had in life simply being me, sensitive nature and all, confronting life in all its tragedy and joy has grown me and helped me cope with my nature and find balance. I would truly hope it would be so with you, too. Take heart!



    There are beautiful, in balance INFPs out there making the world a better place in their extraordinary way right now. You aren't doomed.
    Wow. I'm speechless. That post is so full of WIN that I can't even find the words. That was so well-written, and so sincere. I'm gonna read it again and again.

    A couple notes:

    "feeling weak and overwhelmed because of it."

    Yeah, a lot of people take my kindness and sensitivity for weakness. It's not. I'm as tough as nails when I need to be. I bet you are too.

    "But its also aggravated when one is very isolated, too."

    Yes, I am isolated, and it gets a little weird in here. Working on that though. Just gotta make some new friends here in my new city. I've made so many friends here on this board though, and it came at a perfect time in my life. I think it will help me IRL. Actually I know it will.

    "the thing about the drug use ... seems to me like it is keeping you out of practice with being yourself, with all the feeling and depth therein."

    Brilliant. And great food for thought. Thanks.

    "You aren't doomed."

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abstract Thinker View Post
    I actually envy those of you on here who question your type. Those questions come from being balanced in some ways I think. Me? I'm the INFP poster child. No balance at all.

    It hurts, how much I feel. And it scares me, how trippy my inner life is. And it causes me life problems, how "flexible" I am with time and plans. And although I'm very good socially (charming as can be), I so look forward to coming back to my "cave" and being alone for hours on end. I visualize it as a little slice of heaven as I'm walking through the city to my apartment, and I imagine what it will look like this time, how its vibe will be affected by what I was just doing and where I just was. And then I open the door, and I'm home, and it's so me, and it's not affected at all. And all the stress just falls away.

    Today, I'm sitting here watching "Something the Lord Made," and I've been crying about every five minutes, in part because of the amazing medical advancements this movie documents, but mostly because of Mos Def's incredible performance. I love his acting. I'd watch him in anything. And "Sixteen Blocks," have you seen him in that? OMG. Seeing this kind of brilliance beaks my heart in the best way.

    And yesterday, I saw a guy running with his gorgeous Golden Retriever, and that dog was so happy, nipping at his master's hand in a playful way, and I swear, that dog was smiling. And yes, I cried, right there in the middle of busy midtown DC. Had to pause for a while and regroup just so I could go back upstairs and get back to work.

    I just got a text from my best friend on the other side of the country. He actually texted me while working out to tell me that my music is inspiring his workout, and he can't wait for me to write some more.

    And I got an email from another great friend first thing this morning, who said he's sad about my recent panic attacks, and that he loves me, and that he is my "brother."

    And I got a text from my beautiful and wonderful ex-wife about an hour ago, telling me she's sitting on a beach, thinking about me, listening to Bob Marley, and she told me she loves me and that "every little thing is gonna be alright."

    Did these messages make me happy? Of course. I'm so lucky to be so loved, and I would kill or die without pause for any of these people. But mainly these messages just made me cry, and deeply. Why? Who knows?

    God it hurts being this INFP. I feel doomed to feel so much, and it makes my heart literally hurt every single day, but listen: I wouldn't trade it for the world. Conflicted? You betcha.

    So tonight I will probably do several different drugs, and get higher than I've ever been... again. Why? To escape myself, to escape this pain, and to take the trip even deeper. And I know I'll feel something new tonight while I'm high. And as much as all this feeling hurts, I need new feelings and emotions all the time, just to keep me going.

    God I'm a mess.
    Good stuff AT!!, this thread has already got my brain doing somersaults.

    I am not sure what to make yet of parts of it. (How quick is your abstract emotion to concrete thought process?)

    But some things I can instantly recognize.
    The intensity of emotion is overwhelming.
    Despite being blessed with tons of social grace and charm. I spend way too much time alone. I am lonely and sad quite often.
    As much as I hate being home alone sometimes. It's where I chose to be.
    I can cry at times for nothing.
    I am well liked and loved by people and I seem to leave on mark on those who know me.
    I take drugs.. Weed to numb my feelings and LSD and MDMA to expand on them and my thoughts.
    SO I understand completely your reasons for "tripping"

    (To those who wonder if this makes us crazy or alters us in any way.. I was on LSD all day yesterday and made a few posts on here, I invite anyone to see if they can spot a difference)

    But the thing about me is.. I know I am depressed.


    The thing about depression that I have noticed is. It mutates thoughout it's life span. Like anything, when it's new , it's intense, raw and dominant.
    But as time goes on the the intensity drops, we adjust and get on with life because we have no choice(except death). We become comfortable in our sadness after awhile and I think we might forget what life was like before we were depressed.. In other words we think this is out natural state and we forget we are depressed. But depressed is what we are.. and Yes I am talking directly to you AT. I see in you what I know in me.

    Just something to ponder.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    The thing about depression that I have noticed is. It mutates thoughout it's life span. Like anything, when it's new , it's intense, raw and dominant. But as time goes on the the intensity drops, we adjust and get on with life because we have no choice(except death). We become comfortable in our sadness after awhile and I think we might forget what life was like before we were depressed.. In other words we think this is out natural state and we forget we are depressed. But depressed is what we are.. and Yes I am talking directly to you AT. I see in you what I know in me.

    Just something to ponder.
    I did indeed ponder it, and it sent me reeling. I had never realized this until today: "we might forget what life was like before we were depressed."

    I have indeed forgotten, and I want to remember. You are so right Arclight. And thank you so much.

    So, I spent the day inside my head, and I was honest with myself. And I decided today to seek treatment for my depression, for the first time ever. I've never been in therapy, and I've never taken meds for it. Just Klonopin for anxiety. Truth is, I always self-medicated the depression, and used the Klonnies to come down. First with coke, then crystal, and culminating in a monumental crack habit that ended a year ago.

    I was planning to go out tonight and buy a bunch of coke and cook it up, and just disappear into that magical plastic-tasting vapor. I even took the money out of the ATM this morning. But I didn't do it. It's been a year since I've done that, and now I know that I'm gonna make it forever.

    I thank you, Arclight (and Vasilisa - see below), for helping me to realize I don't want to go back there again.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    ...the thing about the drug use (you explained really well why you rely on it) seems to me like it is keeping you out of practice with being yourself, with all the feeling and depth therein. And whenever you're out of practice being or doing something, getting back to it becomes harder. ... You aren't doomed.
    Nothin but love for you both.
    Last edited by Abstract Thinker; 07-25-2010 at 12:12 PM.

  4. #14
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abstract Thinker View Post
    It hurts, how much I feel. And it scares me, how trippy my inner life is. And it causes me life problems, how "flexible" I am with time and plans. And although I'm very good socially (charming as can be), I so look forward to coming back to my "cave" and being alone for hours on end. I visualize it as a little slice of heaven as I'm walking through the city to my apartment, and I imagine what it will look like this time, how its vibe will be affected by what I was just doing and where I just was. And then I open the door, and I'm home, and it's so me, and it's not affected at all. And all the stress just falls away.

    Today, I'm sitting here watching "Something the Lord Made," and I've been crying about every five minutes, in part because of the amazing medical advancements this movie documents, but mostly because of Mos Def's incredible performance. I love his acting. I'd watch him in anything. And "Sixteen Blocks," have you seen him in that? OMG. Seeing this kind of brilliance beaks my heart in the best way.

    And yesterday, I saw a guy running with his gorgeous Golden Retriever, and that dog was so happy, nipping at his master's hand in a playful way, and I swear, that dog was smiling. And yes, I cried, right there in the middle of busy midtown DC. Had to pause for a while and regroup just so I could go back upstairs and get back to work.

    I just got a text from my best friend on the other side of the country. He actually texted me while working out to tell me that my music is inspiring his workout, and he can't wait for me to write some more.

    And I got an email from another great friend first thing this morning, who said he's sad about my recent panic attacks, and that he loves me, and that he is my "brother."

    And I got a text from my beautiful and wonderful ex-wife about an hour ago, telling me she's sitting on a beach, thinking about me, listening to Bob Marley, and she told me she loves me and that "every little thing is gonna be alright."

    Did these messages make me happy? Of course. I'm so lucky to be so loved, and I would kill or die without pause for any of these people. But mainly these messages just made me cry, and deeply. Why? Who knows?
    Just wanted to say that I can relate a lot. I'm not an INFP, but I know when I feel something, I'm overwhelmed, and when I'm in those moods and I feel someone else's love, I cry. It's just the pain of being. Just the intense sadness of existing. I wouldn't trade it for the world either.

    Thanks for sharing

  5. #15
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    It's just the pain of being. Just the intense sadness of existing. I wouldn't trade it for the world either.
    Very nicely put 21%. So good to know I'm not alone.

    Here's to feeling so much it hurts.

  6. #16
    is an ambi-turner BRMC117's Avatar
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    I think I have some how found a way to turn all of that off or at least down. I remember when I was younger I had the same issues. I kinda miss being all
    "I put the fires out."
    "you made them worse."
    "worse...or better?"

  7. #17
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BRMC117 View Post
    I think I have some how found a way to turn all of that off or at least down. I remember when I was younger I had the same issues. I kinda miss being all
    Curious... If you don't mind talking about it, how did you do that?

    And I know I would miss it too. However, I hope that overall, you are happy with the place that you've found!

  8. #18
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BRMC117 View Post
    I think I have some how found a way to turn all of that off or at least down. I remember when I was younger I had the same issues. I kinda miss being all
    I agree. I'm definitely don't have the highs and lows and total emotional openness I had when I was young.

    I think many INFPs (and maybe ISFPs) struggle a lot when younger. The emotional orientation and sensitivity develop first, before all the tools to manage them. I think as one matures, Fi gives one the ability to regulate one's emotional state, but that comes much later. Also, the development of other functions helps when managing one's own weaknesses.

    I do occasionally miss the emotional intensity I had when I was younger, but I'm much happier and more content as 40-something.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Nonsensical's Avatar
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    AT, have you looked into the Enneagram?
    Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?

  10. #20
    Senior Member Abstract Thinker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seymour View Post
    I agree. I'm definitely don't have the highs and lows and total emotional openness I had when I was young.

    I think many INFPs (and maybe ISFPs) struggle a lot when younger. The emotional orientation and sensitivity develop first, before all the tools to manage them. I think as one matures, Fi gives one the ability to regulate one's emotional state, but that comes much later. Also, the development of other functions helps when managing one's own weaknesses.

    I do occasionally miss the emotional intensity I had when I was younger, but I'm much happier and more content as 40-something.
    Well-said. Yikes, those emotions when I was younger. Made it interesting for me (and others), but it caused some problems too.

    However, at 46, I'm still the same, perhaps even more emotional. I have learned to keep it to myself, mostly, but still it remains. Could be related to the depression, drug use, and huge life changes I've had in the last five years. I think I'm addicted to the emotional intensity, and therefore, loathe to let it go.

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