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Thread: ESFJ dating a INFJ . . boy do I need some pointers.

  1. #11
    Cat Wench Array ReadingRainbows's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    6w7 sx/sp
    IEI Ni


    Ditto to Fidelia and everyone else, call me weird but if I was dating someone and we didn't do anything like hug or kiss in the first month (maybe week!) or cuddle, that would be a deal breaker on my end because I'd think they didn't like me, and I'm not into wasting my time or someone elses.
    Sounds like you have one with some serious issues IMHO. Showing affection is important to a relationship and if he's afraid to do that or whatever now, its not going to get better. You deserve better anyways. Reviving the social networking things that he swore he didn't use is a bad sign IMO, not about you though, it just speaks he has honesty issues. I'd drop this one and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  2. #12


    Instead of letting all the hypotheses by people who don't know you or him and can only rely on your side of the story about his behaviour make you even more's a pointer - talk with him. Seriously. Good luck.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    INFj None


    I'm probably terrible for thinking this, but it sounds to me like he's more interested in a beard than a girlfriend.

    As far as the horrible ex goes, not to say this is always or even often the case, but sometimes people in bad marriages pick up some really destructive coping mechanisms.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #14
    Senior Member Array Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010


    I am an INFJ and my husband is probably an ESFJ (possibly an ENFJ), so I thought your question was really interesting.

    The physical thing in our relationship was very different. We are both evangelical Christians, with a commitment to stay pure until marriage, but honestly, we had a hard time keeping our hands off each other and even after 17 years of marriage we are still very touchy. It is possible that he has been raised to respect a girl to the point of no physical contact (I know some families that teach their children this), or that he is too shy to do anything, but honestly, he sounds like he could have a lot of problems. INFJ's really like honesty, so if I were you, I would go ahead and ask him why he doesn't touch you. That way you will know for sure if it is a purity issue, or if he has some problems.

    As far as the not answering the question thing - I am an INFJ and I know that I do the same thing. It basically is because I need time to think about something before I give an answer. I can't answer right away, because I can't make the right response when someone is standing there waiting for an answer. It's too much pressure. But it would be nice if he told you, "I will get back with you about that." I am learning to do that, but still forget sometimes.

    The staring thing - I don't know about other INFJ's, but I have always stared at anyone I find interesting, but most especially romantic interests. It's embarrassing, but I have found myself doing it without realizing that I was doing it. If he is staring at you that much, I would say that there is definitely a romantic interest. I would not say that staring is necessarily a control issue, just that he finds you fascinating. Control issues I would worry about would be asking you for details about your entire schedule and demanding to know what guys you talked to every day, etc.

    Hope you make a decision that will work for you!

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