I grew up with an extremely narcissistic grandmother and passive (ignoring type) narcissistic mother. I'm talking in the clinical sense, not just the every day usage of the word. I've been delving into this a lot recently, reading a lot about the traumas and emotional issues a lot of daughters with narcissistic mothers have to cope with in life.
I started thinking about how growing up with the mother that I did contributed to my development in terms of my INFJ personality type. I've seen some really interesting correlations.
1. The extreme empathy - From the time I was born, my mother basically wanted me to fill voids for her. It was never about what was best for my growth as an individual person as much as it was about meeting her needs for someone to love her, someone to be an ideal family member she never had, etc. I think I felt this as soon as I was conscious of the world. I'm very in tune to the needs of others before my own, this is a hallmark of both the INFJ and the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
2. The 'mind reading' or 'psychic' ability - The whole thing where people always swear you can read their mind because of how many intricate details you can hone in on in terms of their personality, thoughts, etc. My mother never stated her needs and wants aloud but would react with anger and withdrawal of her affection anyway if they were not met. Obviously, this lead to me observing like crazy in my desire to get and keep her affection. I think this has a lot to do with that INFJ trait.
3. Guarding the inner world - My world, who I was/am, what I loved, what got me excited in life did not and does not matter to my mother. It did not matter to the rest of my small family either. If I talked about these things, the reaction was either boredom or a dumbfounded look like "Um, WHY are you TELLING me this?". Anything precious to me would be ignored or devalued, and hence I learned to guard anything precious to me with extreme tenacity. Another INFJ trait I can trace back to growing up with a narcissistic family.
4. Perfectionism - In my family, it is all about appearances rather than realities. Meaning, what MATTERED to my family was the impression the rest of the world got. Who you really were didn't matter, it was who everyone else THOUGHT you were that did. Also, you could do 99 things perfectly but the only thing you heard about was the ONE thing you did imperfectly. You were also taught to behave like the perfect example so no open emotions were allowed (this included being openly very happy, it was seen as looking silly and foolish to others). Yet another INFJ trait that is also common with daughters of narcissistic mothers/grandmothers.
There are more things, but these are just the main few. I wondered how many of you INFJ ladies also grew up with similar circumstances and narcissistic mothers. It's just been really enlightening for me recently, I wondered how many female INFJs I might have this in common with.
Looking forward to your feedback if you've got it