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Thread: Any INFJ ladies with narcissistic mothers?

  1. #41
    Senior Member Array mochajava's Avatar
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    Jul 2010


    KLessard - I bought the book you describe below, and have started working through some of it. THANK YOU so much for recommending it! I never realized how cutting them off was such a good move, and how part of my constant capitulation to them was because I thought they were "weak, vulnerable, and needed me to take care of them". That's an odd belief to have about one's hypermanipulative parents... but a useful realization. So thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (9780553381405): Susan Forward, Craig Buck: Books

    It's kind of old (1989), I found it used on Amazon; if you read the reviews, you'll see it has had a very positive, healing effect on many people. It is a best-seller on the subject of harmful parenting in general. It has helped me for sure.

    My mother (STJ) is not a narcissist per se, put she was very demanding with me and had little consideration for my feelings or aspirations. She was very controlling. She imposed her own priorities and aspirations on me. She punished me constantly and made me feel bad and defective. She was always looking over my shoulder, telling me what I was doing wrong. I didn't know what to do about it and couldn't verbalize my unhappiness (I wasn't allowed to express my anger, that was rebellion), so my body would express it through sickness. I was a rather sickly child and had sleep problems (I still do when something makes me nervous). Stress-related ailments, I guess.

    When I was 9, my big sister moved in with her baby girl (an ISFP) and stayed with us for a while. My mother totally devoted herself to the child and made me feel like I had been pushed aside, replaced by a new kid to love. She wasn't very subtle about it and kind of sent me the message that I had failed and hadn't been able to please her as a daughter.

    Until recently, I spent my life trying to find a surrogate mother through female role models who would show kindness and appreciate me for whom I was. I made a lot of those relationships fail and even destroyed some of them because of how intense and obsessive I'd get about them.
    My most recent role model (and the worst failure so far) was an ISFP. Strangely enough, quite a few of those role models have been ISFPs, as if I was trying to be like the niece who had replaced me to become lovable.

    I feel better now, and Toxic Parents has been very helpful.

    Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer has also helped me a lot. You might like it if you are a Christian.
    The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck is also excellent.

  2. #42
    Junior Member Array
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    Aug 2010


    Thank you for this.

    I'm definitely going to look into some of these.

  3. #43
    Senior Member Array DJAchtundvierzig's Avatar
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    Jul 2010


    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Sounds somewhat familiar. Except my mom was fairly good-natured about it most of the time. It was almost more like I was supposed to be Paris Hilton's little purse dog, if that makes sense.
    Thats a good description of my mother and I. Hee hee. :rolleyes2:




    ENFP, 9w1, sx so sp

  4. #44
    Senior Member Array HotpinkHeatwave's Avatar
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    Nov 2009


    I knew an INFJ with an extremely narcissistic mother (ISFJ). Very into herself, had multiple cosmetic surgeries, etc. Spent tons of money on things she didn't truly need (coach purses, cars).

    Her daughter? A user and a bitch.

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