I can definitely relate to this, especially after I read a book by a psychotherapist about narcissistic mothers and some ideas for moving past it (I can find this link for you if you'd like).
I, too, wonder how much of me is a product of my narcissistic mother (who, oddly, might be an INFJ) and abusive father whom she enabled. Who knows? Some of the things are parallel, as you've implied in your post.
1. Yes, completely. Others' needs are always above mine - though I'm trying to force this to change.
3. Exactly. Whenever I meet people who get very show-and-tell with me quickly, I think, "how odd, they must have had parents who were interested in what they had to say". Yes - how can ignoring a child possibly send a clearer message to them, in their developmental years, that they do not matter?
4. Yes - perfectionism/appearances. I was so, so broken down and depressed for much of my pre-teen/teen years. No action taken, no acknowledgement. The threat of my 12-year-old self making a few Bs? Pull out the big guns, resources, etc. I always associated this with my race/culture... no idea if it's the narcissism, culture, just personality of my family, but taht's life: you can never tease apart causes.
So - in other words, YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Now I want to know from you - what do you DO now? How do you think of your past?
@Gloriana - how have things improved? How have you recognized and left the narcissists? (I'm leaving the overly-demanding / takers / always need help types)
@Immaculate Cloud - Loved your post!