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Thread: Common ENFP issues

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    Toxicity Overload. Array Amargith's Avatar
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    Default Common ENFP issues

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post

    I would greatly appreciate an ENFP starting a similar kind of thread, because I would like to understand where our misunderstandings arise from that perspective. I normally would not pursue this kind of conflict, but I see it happen on a regular basis throughout the forum and think it is worth investigating, as long as it is not done in a non-solution oriented way. I have tried to make it very clear where I think things have gone off the rails from an INFJ or Fe perspective. I also have tried to be specific about what could be done differently that could avoid that happening. If someone else cares to start a thread for ENFPs, I think it would be extremely helpful to know what I/we do that is equally problematic coming from the opposite direction.
    Though unsure of my E/I, I will gladly try and oblige your request, Fidelia, as I do believe that your thread was and still is in more than one way illuminating.

    Fellow ENFP's, if I name stuff that you don't identify with or I forget stuff..lemme know
    I'd like to encourage the other types to start their own thread..much can be gained from it.


    Here goes:

    Misunderstandings:

    1) Weirdness. NeFi tends to give ENFPs a weird, zany kind of aura, making them come off as erratic, random, flaky, illogical and sometimes socially retarded, despite being so annoyingly likable. ENFPs tend to run circles around people and need to play with thoughts and ideas a bit before settling on a conclusion, to make sure they've seen it from all angles and to make sure it actually fits accurately into their inner world (or if their inner world needs adjusting). This playfulness can also be displayed just for fun, making it sometimes hard to see where the ENFP is going with a certain train of thought (if they're going somewhere at all with it). Rest assured though, there's always a motivation, drive and reason for it.

    2)Heart on the sleeve. ENFPs connect through Fi and Fi usually doesn't waste time getting to know someone. It jumps to the intimate part of the conversation as that is who the person *really* is..which is what is relevant to Fi. And that tends to either go over extremely well, to the point where people just end up telling them their life stories and childhood trauma's or...really badly, as people just consider it rude, inappropriate and impolite, not to mention wayyy too intense

    3) Flirting. Due to the ENFP tendency to jump right to the intimate part of the relationship (the need to get to know people for who they are) and them not receiving or losing the copy of the social guidelines manual, ENFPs are often perceived to be big flirts when they're actually just genuinly intrigued by people. (to avoid future derail on this, I'll admit that I too was like this but I have become a conscious flirt over time!)

    4) Crude and insensitive. Their Ne can sometimes get ahead of them, causing them to toss out blunt things before socially filtering them and framing them better. This especially happens when they're overly excited about some new piece of information.

    5) Attention whoring. Most ENFPs have no clue what they did wrong when they get accused of this and experience it as oppression of their right to express who they are. Once again, it's usually a clash of group values versus the need for authenticity, and a poor grasp of the social rules that is at the base of this. As they tend to experience things very profoundly, and they wear their hearts on their sleeves, the expression of these things can be perceived as an act of attention whoring, though most ENFPs don't have a clue how to play social games (once again, somehow we didn't get the manual ), though this may vary depending on the ENFP's surroundings while growing up.

    6) Making excuses and refusing to appologize. An ENFP will typically try to explain to the other person why they did something, not as a way to weasel out of the responsibility, but to increase understanding and harmony. Similarly, they will often not be aware of the fact that their transgression is once again in that social manual that everyone seems to know, and therefore not see it fit to actually appologize for something that to them was not intended in harm and in their eyes also didn't really harm anyone.

    7) Leading people on. As ENFPs tend to share intimate details easily with others, and often have others reciprocate, a misunderstanding can arise between the two people in that relationship as to the status of the other person. ENFPs tend to love easily and like spreading that love, making people feel loved and being loved in return. It creates a special harmony, a being in sync that's very pleasurable, as well as a bond which makes everyone feel safe. However, as time is limited and there are many people to get to know and love, it can put pressure on the already existing relationships. Also, Fi doesn't require frequent contact to keep this bond alive. This often leaves the other partner feeling hurt and rejected, while the ENFP's affection really hasn't waned at all. Similarly, it can give the illusion of a stronger bond than was intended by the ENFP:


    8) Not being thoughtful, reliable or considered loyal. It hurts an ENFP more than anything to hear that. The thing is, since we're stuck with our heads up in the clouds and, we value our own private time, we're a tad oblivious and we don't wanna be intrusive. That can feel like we don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth though. Ask. You'll find that an ENFP is rarely too busy not to help you, but you do have to ask. As we tend to be very easy-going and change our plans on the go, it's rarely an inconvenience to help out a friend in need. It is only if I see someone is truly overwhelmed with emotion that I'll prod them myself, to see if I can help.

    9) Always talking about ME. ENFPs tend to speak in the 'I'-person, because they experience everything in such an individualistic way. Add to that that we know most people find us weird and we don't wanna speak for others who might experience things different as we're often told that we're the outsiders anyways. On top of that there's a serious need to be understood as the desire to connect is there but clearly it's hard as we're weird This tends to grate people to no end, despite the good intentions of the ENFP as it seems to be all about 'him'. Also, we work with analogies a lot, which is our way of relating. When someone tells us something, the way to let them know that we understand what they're saying is by equally sharing a similar story. Quid pro quo basically. You tell me something about yourself and I'll sync up with you by sharing something similar about myself. This is the way to get to know each other. Unfortunately, we can get wrapped up in that process, and get overenthused in sharing...

    10)
    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Appearing shallow - Because ENFPs use Ne to take information, we tend to jet from topic to topic. As Perceiving types, we are also apt to associate with other points of view easily, and are always after more information. Add Fi to the mix, and it results in us being interested in, and caring about, pretty much anything that comes to mind. However, to those who don't know us as well, this can easily come off as superficiality, fake engagement, and wishy-washiness - in short, being shallow. We also love to be silly and sarcastic, and we tend to keep an overall light tone. This does not mean that we don't think about or understand pain, destruction, cruelty, and other darker or more serious things in life. Most of us do, far more often than we let on. However, we don't generally see it conflicting with our ability to have a good time: to us, it's all a part of the grand song and dance of life. Just like being considered uncaring or disloyal, shallow is one of the last things we would ever like to be called, and we don't mean to come off that way. Our interest is real, as is our care. If you need us to be more serious, just let us know.
    Tendencies:

    1) Chaos, chaos, chaos. My god, do we live in a world of chaos. Plz don't ask me where my phone is, or my keys, though I will find things that I don't use that often easily in my mess. And there's no way I have the attention span to actually make a system and stick to it

    2) Flakiness. Wherever the mood takes me, is where I go, making it hard to plan *anything* or not feel forced when I do agree to something when later I don't feel like it anymore

    3) Indecisiveness/procrastination Too many damned options and all of the appealing, or worse..all of them not good enough! What's an ENFP to do except for wait, procrastinate and hope it another option presents itself!

    4) Self-absorbed. Living with my head in the clouds, I don't always see what's going on around me, sorry, and I so don't know how to turn that off! Plz, if you need my help, I'll gladly give it to you, just tap me on the shoulder to get me back to reality though

    5) Drama Queen. Fi can feel sooooo f*cking intense, it burns. The pain can be overwhelming. Unloading on others however...not very nice, however hard it can be to contain yourself. Learning social rules and having a close friend who understands you is a definite must.

    6) Maintaining a network. My god, do I suck at that and does it drain me. But it is vital, if you care for your friends. I do my best to be there for my friends, but I warn them all in advance that if I ignore them, it's not on purpose and they just have to whack me harder over the head, coz I can be sometimes very hard to reach due to my obsession with new shiny and self-reflecting.

    7) No follow-through whatsoever. This is suchhhh a pain. There's so much to do an d so little time to do it in that often, when we start a project and see where it should end up, but obstacles get in the way, we get impatient. And the next little bit of shiny is already tempting us. Since we're bogged down in the process and we've seen in our mind how it will likely end, it's just more alluring to figure out the next bit of shiny instead of waiting for things to come together

    8) And then..when we do get into that 'Must follow through!'-phase..get out of our way. Yeah, I truly hate that one as well. It's the whole, 'This shit needs to be done and otherwise I'm just sitting around wasting my time so get the f*ck out of my way, now!' thing. Te. Since we're not exactly that good at it and cannot swing it around for that long (it's frigging tiresome!), most of us tend to have the finesse of a frigging bulldozer when wielding that thing. It just makes people run for cover. The second I invoke that, I'm beyond patience, and things better start happening, even if I have to ram things through people's throats, or start hitting a machine hard. It better be working, dammit! And the second there's the smallest hitch, the thing/person responsible is in serious trouble. This results in my tossing my phone somewhere hard, and freaking people out by the authoritive tone in my otherwise so chipper or calm voice. I've been told my eyes shoot thunderbolts and could kill a man the second I get that way. The reason for this is, I'm in a situation I don't wanna be in, I cannot avoid (see next point!) and I wanna get out, NOW! You're a moron if you stand in my way, seriously. End of discussion.

    9) Avoidance. Man, I love that strategy. If I can avoid problemsolving, especially if it's somethign that requires a lot of work, energy or thinking things through, I will. If I can wing it, I'll take that over planning it out and going through it, as it's such an energy saver. Gets me in all kinds of trouble when I overestimate my capacity to wing it though (I'm slowly getting better at planning only a little while mixing it with winging it though )

    10) Oversensitivity. Because an ENFP struggles to tame the Fi-beast, and the pain can be intense, it is very easy to cause emotional turmoil in an ENFP, especially when addressing the part of them that they're either very proud of in a negative way, or the parts that they're very insecure about. The reason for this is that the ENFP is already aware of this, or doesn't feel accepted, and it's like rubbing salt into a wound or denying them the right to be themselves. An ENFP is also unlikely to go push other peoples buttons like that, unless they're for some reason oblivious to them (Ne-hyperdrive) or angry with that person for some reason (Te-hammer, lethal at that point!), and will most of the time feel really guilty about doing so later and likely appologize for it. For that reason, they can very much overreact when someone does point out their flaws or talk about their person (or what they perceive to be a personal attack in any case), as they themselves would never cause anyone willingly that kind of harm. Little do/did they know that others don't have that same experience and therefore do not respond in the same way. Often, I would envy those that were able to take criticism so well, but for the life of me did not understand how they remained so calm under it all, or didn't consider it rude.

    My own specific issues:

    1) I really really hate what I perceive to be emotional guilttripping ( I grew up in a house of Fe-people, not all equally healthy). It makes me rebel beyond all reason. If you ask me to do something for you genuinly, I'll jump through every hoop to make it so, if I know it to be important to you. Whine that I haven't done it yet, while you didn't even ask, and I'll bend over backwards and cut my own throat before I give you what you want. I *am* working on this

    2) I hate bureaucracy and housework with a vengeance. It is mindboggling boring, always comes back, you're never done with it and it doesn't gain me any satisfaction at all, not to mention it feels like something you get forced into again (see 1)). These days, I've found that if I need to mull things over, I just get started on a simple task that needs doing as well, that way I don't feel pressured for that task and I can put my mind to work on something else.

    3) I *suck* at finding things. Like, seriously suck at it. I have my INTJ find it all for me, because, even if I bother, I'll go over a spot 4 times and still not find the item I need.

    4) I love freedom but leadership can be draining on me. I rather be the 'right hand', as constantly having to think ahead, plan and direct people can be quite daunting.




    Ok..I'm sure there's more, but I'll go hide under a rock for a while while this storm already starts up
    Last edited by Amargith; 08-01-2010 at 03:25 AM. Reason: Adding quote on appearing shallow
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  2. #2
    Senior Member Array You's Avatar
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    What do you mean by networking?

    I ask because my impression was that ENFP were very social people.

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    Toxicity Overload. Array Amargith's Avatar
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    Good point, I mean 'maintaining networks', actually. The actual 'hey, how've you been'-part of it and checking in from time to time
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    Oh. I understand that. I'm horrible at it. Matter fact, I hate doing it. Just seems so fake to me.

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    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    How come it feels fake? Do you mean in a schmoozing sense, or just checking in with your friends feels fake?

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    Toxicity Overload. Array Amargith's Avatar
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    I think it's more of a...since it's not a reflex we naturally have (we tend to get lived, swept up by life and go with the flow and instead of seeking people specifically out, just be happy to see them when our paths cross), it can feel fake and forced when we consciously decide to make an effort and say hi, especially if we don't even have a good reason to ...well, bother you
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    ¡MI TORTA! Array Amethyst's Avatar
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    I think ENFPs are one of the most sociable. I'm amazed by the vast and connected social networks they create with other people, I can't even fathom knowing so many people at a personal level.

    I think mature ENFPs avoid attention more than seek it. My mom avoids it like there's no tomorrow because she's so busy with everything else and finds it a waste of time. My friend, however, is one of the most immature ENFPs I've seen, or she's just grandiose. Either way, it's a different personality every day just in order to attract people to notice her.

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    All of that is so SPOT ON Satine. Nice summary.
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    Why won't you guys listen, and why is it that a third of your cooking attempts result in me having to pull out the goddamn fire extingisher?!

    Partly to be funny, but partly serious...
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    Senior Member Array Moiety's Avatar
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    I can't see Flirtin, Attention Whoring or Leading People On in me at all.

    I don't know how to flirt (and no one has every thought I was flirting with them), I'm very aware of when I'd be perceived as an attention whore in most situations (although I will allow myself to bask in attention from time to time like everyone else) and I never lead anyone on.

    I'm very self-aware though, something I wrongly assume most other ENFPs to be. Maybe it's just because I have a high usage of Fi.

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