[ENFP] ENFP (females esp), please share your insights!

[JoyOfTraveling]

So an as ENFP female, I am always in love (being a 7 doesn't do me any favours) but deep down inside, I would like to find 'the one' and settle down with him.

I want someone who accepts me for who I am- I am vivacious, I am passionate, I love life and I am always perceived to be flirting (am just being nice to the people, cmon). Currently, I fancy an ISTJ who is a border INTJ- I really like him and I am attracted primarily to his brain. However, I don't want to scare him.

How do you handle a situation where conforming is not for you yet you need to do it?

If there are any particular insights to do with ENFP females with ISTJ males, I would really really really appreciate them!

Thank you all!

 

[Moiety]

Conforming is such a dirty word.

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

Conforming is such a dirty word.

lol! Well said. As an N you obviously understand that well

 

[garbage]

I want someone who accepts me for who I am

So you want to conform because you don't want to scare him, but you also want someone who accepts you for who you are


either you need to (a) not be afraid of what his reaction to the true "you" would be and trust that you'll find someone who does accept you for you, or (b) accept that you might need to compromise who you are in order to get this guy


if you find that you're always in love anyway, then someone else is going to come along if this dude doesn't work out.. so you might as well go with option (a)

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

So you want to conform because you don't want to scare him, but you also want someone who accepts you for who you are

I am not going to conform for the sake of someone else, I don't think it's fair to myself or to the long-term stability of a relationship but by being my completely-into-it sort of person, I could easily scare him and I am aware of that. I may always be in love but most of the time it's the idea of love and not the person, this time this guy could be it- I will not know till I try it out but I don't want to close it even before it gets to that stage?

Am I making any sense? I am so confused, I dunno if I make any sense!

Basically, I don't want ot bombard him with communication but I want to be in constant touch- how do I strike a balance?

 

[Moiety]

I am not going to conform for the sake of someone else, I don't think it's fair to myself or to the long-term stability of a relationship but by being my completely-into-it sort of person, I could easily scare him and I am aware of that. I may always be in love but most of the time it's the idea of love and not the person, this time this guy could be it- I will not know till I try it out but I don't want to close it even before it gets to that stage?

Am I making any sense? I am so confused, I dunno if I make any sense!

Basically, I don't want ot bombard him with communication but I want to be in constant touch- how do I strike a balance?

You need to do some soul-searching.

Also, think, logically why are the reasons you like this guy and see how they match up to your ideal of who you'd like to be with.

 

[INTP]

how do I strike a balance?

you dont, or atleast you shouldnt. imo bombard him with communication as much as you feel like, if he gets scared because of that, then youll know that hes not the right person for you.

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

Also, think, logically why are the reasons you like this guy and see how they match up to your ideal of who you'd like to be with.

When I look at my "list" (yeah, I do have one) and compare him to it, he matches most- ofcourse, we have our differences- but I suspect we are both mature enough to make them work. I genuinely believe the biggest hurdle is getting him to make the next step right now.

I do know the next time I meet him, I am gonna lay my cards on the table and that could either scare him or make him understand me- either way, it will get me out of this quandary!

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

you dont, or atleast you shouldnt. imo bombard him with communication as much as you feel like, if he gets scared because of that, then youll know that hes not the right person for you.

Is there anyone out there who can handle an ENFP's constant barge of communication??

 

[Pixelholic]

Is there anyone out there who can handle an ENFP's constant barge of communication??

I've yet to find one, though my current girlfriend seems to tolerate it lol.

Just be yourself, don't conform. Conforming is for sissies

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

I've yet to find one, though my current girlfriend seems to tolerate it lol.

Easier for the menfolk. The moment a lady does that, she comes across needy or desperate and if there is one thing an ENFP is not is desperate- she is usually spoilt for choice!

 

[INTP]

Is there anyone out there who can handle an ENFP's constant barge of communication??

well, my mom is an enfp(not the most extraverted tho) and i never had any problem with that. she can easily talk 40+ minutes on the phone with me and it only gets annoying if i want to do something else at the moment. i think problems occur only if you get offended when someone tells you to shut up(in nicer way ofc) or if he is afraid to tell you to shut up while getting annoyed from you talking.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Is there anyone out there who can handle an ENFP's constant barge of communication??

LOL! I know what you mean here. I am constantly bombarding my friends with my random thoughts. Emails mostly. But with the occasional phone call and Facebook message thrown in.

It can be overwhelming for some people... especially those damn introverts.... I love 'em and collect them like an old woman collects cats. But sometimes I relish the company of my INFP, ENFx, and ENTx friends who can keep up with my stream of consciousness.

In particular, my INFP and ENTP friends seem to be able to handle Esoteric Wench's intensity with relative ease. Pretty much better than any other type, I think.

My INFJs friends can handle it pretty well, too, as long as they don't get overwhelmed with thinking I expect a response to every random thought that comes out of my head.

But ISTJ? Ummmmm..... If it works for you that's great. More power to you. But seriously, an ENFP with an ISTJ?

2XtremeENFP started an interesting thread that quickly became an interesting discussion of the sometimes perilous interactions between ENFPs and ISTJs. You might want to check it out.

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-idyllic/32523-older-people-s-view-enfps.html

Just remember that as an ENFP you are very good at tailoring your approach to the needs of the people around you. But there is some stuff in your personality that is uniquely ENFP... and you're going to want to be able to express these aspects of you in the presence of (and even have it celebrated by) your significant other. ISTJs, in my humble experience, are not going to cleave to your ENFP-ness. So proceed with caution.

 

[garbage]

Am I making any sense? I am so confused, I dunno if I make any sense

totally, yeah


This is one of those situations where, if you're both dedicated to figuring one another out in the beginning stages of a relationship, you'll naturally adjust to one another.

You might want to keep in touch "too much" at first, and he might want "too much" distance at the beginning, and that's going to frustrate both of you in the first couple of weeks.

But if you allow yourselves to try it out for a while, and if you're both willing to adjust to the other, you will both just innately adjust your habits for the sake of the relationship as you progress.


My girlfriend is a pretty "in your face" person. I'm really .. ... not. When I'm in heavy analytical lost-in-thought mode, her asking me "What are you thinking?" makes it even worse because it just piles more threads of thoughts onto the big ball o' thought-string--"What sort of perception am I giving off? Is she going to try to console me here?", etc.

I've learned to talk more about that sort of thing and she's learned to ask about it less, now that (a) she trusts that I share what I'm thinking when I'm ready to do so, and (b) I know that I can trust her with my thought process.


I could be wrong--but you probably want to keep in 'constant' contact because you feel like you want to get to know him, you like him and so want to associate with him, etc. He's going to want some privacy without feeling like he's being intruded upon. After some growing pains, you'll trust that he's got your best interests at heart, and he'll trust that you respect his independence. So, subconsciously, you'll be more willing to adjust to the communication style that he expects, and vice versa, because of the trust that you'll have in one another.

So, be who you're going to be, and damn the outcome

 

[Moiety]

When I look at my "list" (yeah, I do have one) and compare him to it, he matches most- ofcourse, we have our differences- but I suspect we are both mature enough to make them work. I genuinely believe the biggest hurdle is getting him to make the next step right now.

I do know the next time I meet him, I am gonna lay my cards on the table and that could either scare him or make him understand me- either way, it will get me out of this quandary!

You're talking about lists...don't look at the elements in the least. Most people want the same things, at least in theory. An ISTJ saying she wants a family is different than an ENFP saying she wants a family. Don't look at what's on the list, but how you would go about doing what's on the list.

 

[stringstheory]

I am not going to conform for the sake of someone else, I don't think it's fair to myself or to the long-term stability of a relationship but by being my completely-into-it sort of person, I could easily scare him and I am aware of that. I may always be in love but most of the time it's the idea of love and not the person, this time this guy could be it- I will not know till I try it out but I don't want to close it even before it gets to that stage?

I would really reevaluate what you said here because logically, no, it doesn't make sense (although your thought process totally makes sense to me!!) and considering you mention that most of the time you're in love with the idea of love and not the person, it makes me pause. Hindsight is 20-20. I agree with Stypg, i would do some serious soul searching.

My first serious relationship with an ISTJ for about a year and he's the only ex i'm still very good friends with. I love him dearly, he's a great and loyal friend but a relationship would never ever work between us. Who i am did not mesh with who he is in terms of a romantic relationship. It happens and it's ok.

If you hold back a part of yourself for fear of scaring him away, he's going to be in for a rude awakening when you finally let that part go. He might not have been put off by it if you were just yourself from the start, but knowing my ISTJ (i don't know that many so i can only speculate ) the inconstency is more unsettling. Be yourself; if it doesn't jive with him then you'll know he certainly wasn't "it".

also, i'm curious, how old are you?

 

[kyuuei]

So an as ENFP female, I am always in love (being a 7 doesn't do me any favours) but deep down inside, I would like to find 'the one' and settle down with him.

I want someone who accepts me for who I am- I am vivacious, I am passionate, I love life and I am always perceived to be flirting (am just being nice to the people, cmon). Currently, I fancy an ISTJ who is a border INTJ- I really like him and I am attracted primarily to his brain. However, I don't want to scare him.

How do you handle a situation where conforming is not for you yet you need to do it?

If there are any particular insights to do with ENFP females with ISTJ males, I would really really really appreciate them!

Thank you all!

I feel you on the flirting thing. .I don't find myself to be a flirt in particular, as any serious flirting I'd do ends up failing miserably, but my general personality and behavior comes off as flirtacious to others.

You'll always end up in situations where who you are aren't going to match up to society.. this isn't always so bad. But don't alter who you are just to get your foot in the door.. false advertising is good for no one in relationships.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

Same here. I lead guys on a lot, but not purposefully. And I tend to be attracted to NT minds too, but I have no idea how to make them happy with me without completely changing who I am (which I really am pretty much incapable of). So if anyone knows an answer to THAT one, I would really like to hear it, too.

I feel you on the flirting thing. .I don't find myself to be a flirt in particular, as any serious flirting I'd do ends up failing miserably, but my general personality and behavior comes off as flirtacious to others.

If I actually TRY to flirt, I'm not very good at it, and I get too nervous. If I just be my casual self around someone I'm not interested in, for some reason it comes off to others as flirting. Go figure.

 

[guesswho]

ISTJ.

Principles, rules, rigid, wannabe model people : model lovers, friends, they wanna do the right thing, they wanna be the 'true friend'.

Their world revolves around their principles.

Observe then interact, but only interact with people who fit in their principles no whores or bad people allowed.

Things must be a certain subjective way. Good bad, true false etc.

I don't know if all ISTJs are this way, but I have an ISTJ friend and that's how he is.

The ultimate listener/advisor. He makes people open, fast, just like that. In 15 minutes some girl who doesn't know him just starts talking about her life.

Their lack of intuition is SO ANNOYING. They just don't get it.

 

[JoyOfTraveling]

Thanks for the feedback all! Loving this discussion

if he is afraid to tell you to shut up while getting annoyed from you talking.

As this point, as an ISTJ, I would say he is scared all right.

But ISTJ? Ummmmm..... If it works for you that's great. More power to you. But seriously, an ENFP with an ISTJ?

Just remember that as an ENFP you are very good at tailoring your approach to the needs of the people around you. But there is some stuff in your personality that is uniquely ENFP... and you're going to want to be able to express these aspects of you in the presence of (and even have it celebrated by) your significant other. ISTJs, in my humble experience, are not going to cleave to your ENFP-ness. So proceed with caution.

I know, what am I thinking, right? I used to be like that- I had a rule to only date N but this guy is really different- I have had conversations with him that I rarely do with other people, I have had laughs with him because we are on the same page, I have really enjoyed it and its maybe cos he is such a borderline S/N but whatever it is, we have had fun and so his ISTJ-ness cant be the reason I shouldn't give this a shot.

Thanks for the link and the warning- I have a feeling I might have messed it up but with him, one never knows- Argh- if only there was a way to sit him down and just lay my cards straight out!

So, be who you're going to be, and damn the outcome

Thanks! Damn the outcome indeed- he has this week or else I am moving on, I dont like games!

Syptg- fairpoint. I should look at it from a S perspective but to get to that stage, I need to get past the current hurdle first, I think. I am an ENFP- I would have a fantasy world built in my head in 5 sec flat if you gimme a chance!!

Stringstheory- very valid points. I am in my late 20s- a little old to be doing this type of swooning And I am being me, but instead of going 0 to 100 as we ENFPs can, I am trying to go slower so he can understand me better...

But don't alter who you are just to get your foot in the door.. false advertising is good for no one in relationships.

Wise words, my fried. But is going slower altering myself- its still me. I can't not be me, I find it very stressful!

Same here. I lead guys on a lot, but not purposefully. And I tend to be attracted to NT minds too, but I have no idea how to make them happy with me without completely changing who I am (which I really am pretty much incapable of). So if anyone knows an answer to THAT one, I would really like to hear it, too.

NT has been my default for so long. I love them. You don't need to change yourself to be happy- you just need to understand them. They think and they think abstract- subtlety never works with them. Their idea of romance is in action and I personally think NF/NT relationships are very good.

Their lack of intuition is SO ANNOYING. They just don't get it.

Yes, he is all you described but he does seem to get it. Or atleast so far, our conversations have been similar. He gets abstract more often than not and he cam connect my dots even if it take shim time and he likes to very much be in the present but you see, that grounds me. With no shred of S in me, I like that practical someone around. He seems to find my "ditziness" cute and loves the way I can balance it with a very successful and oragnised career.