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Thread: Changing Faces

  1. #11
    Member Cephalonimbus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mask Manifest View Post
    I wonder if other INFPs or Type 4s do this?

    Both online and in real life, I tend to consciously alter my perspective and response toward others depending on the environment. I think it stems from constantly being told by society that my personality is flawed. It's not as acceptable for a man, particularly a heterosexual, to be introspective, self-aware, emotionally in-tune with himself and others, affectionate, considerate of other people to the point of being reserved, imaginative, wary of making rash decisions, etc... These gender-biased attitudes are reinforced by the mainstream of men and women both. Adaptation is a necessity to the point of neglecting your own personality, and then you are chastised for being "fake" and insincere. Fuck the hypocrisy! People are eager to cast stones at those they don't understand. God forbid that someone should deviate from the cookie-cutter template of conformity. Nonetheless, assimilation is mandatory to a certain extent.

    I don't wear a facade for the sole purpose of deception. Ultimately, it is a defense mechanism. Sometimes, I will behave a certain way just to elicit a particular response from people; testing the waters to see how deep they are. The drawback is that it hinders a true emotional-connection. In my experience, emotions/feelings frighten people, so why expose them if you don't have to?
    I envy people who are always themselves, but they're a rare breed.

    Most people put up a facade to some degree. It's definitely not just an INFP thing and i think the defense mechanism you mention is very common. People just have different ways of doing this, some are very good at it while others are not, and some are more comfortable doing it than others... this may be type related, as the defense mechanism requires us INFPs to neglect things we value deeply.

    However, i do think you're being overdramatic in the bolded part. In my experience, most of the qualities you've listed are actually appreciated by a wide variety of people. The only one that's really not received well is being reserved, as it's easily interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. But i'm a heterosexual man and i honestly don't remember ever being criticized for being imaginative, introspective, self-aware, affectionate, emotionally in tune or considerate, even though these qualities indeed do not fit the common male stereotype (except for self-awareness, which really doesn't conflict with it at all).

    By the way, how does being reserved fit into that list anyway? To me, being reserved seems like a defense mechanism itself, as it's a way to keep people at a distance. At least, that's true for me. Either way, it certainly doesn't seem to go hand in hand with being affectionate and emotionally in tune.
    ik sprokkel wat dagen, drop baggage,
    soms heb ik geen zin om die koffers te dragen,
    ik laat los, los het op, word onzichtbaar
    en geef de buitenlucht wat ruimte terug
    dus.. nu zit ik op m'n fiets alsof het niets is,
    maar niets kan toch niet uit zichzelf pedalen laten draaien?

    ~ Typhoon

  2. #12
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cephalonimbus View Post
    However, i do think you're being overdramatic in the bolded part. In my experience, most of the qualities you've listed are actually appreciated by a wide variety of people. The only one that's really not received well is being reserved, as it's easily interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. But i'm a heterosexual man and i honestly don't remember ever being criticized for being imaginative, introspective, self-aware, affectionate, emotionally in tune or considerate, even though these qualities indeed do not fit the common male stereotype (except for self-awareness, which really doesn't conflict with it at all).
    Sad as it sounds, I think it depends on where you live, too. In some places or social circles (especially those that are more to the 'traditional' side) it's really NOT acceptable to be different and you get mocked for it. It's horrible.

    Good thing is, there are places that are more open-minded than others, and as you can't change how people around you are, maybe moving to a more open, understanding environment would help.

  3. #13
    man-made neptunesnet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mask Manifest View Post
    I wonder if other INFPs or Type 4s do this?

    Both online and in real life, I tend to consciously alter my perspective and response toward others depending on the environment. I think it stems from constantly being told by society that my personality is flawed. It's not as acceptable for a man, particularly a heterosexual, to be introspective, self-aware, emotionally in-tune with himself and others, affectionate, considerate of other people to the point of being reserved, imaginative, wary of making rash decisions, etc... These gender-biased attitudes are reinforced by the mainstream of men and women both. Adaptation is a necessity to the point of neglecting your own personality, and then you are chastised for being "fake" and insincere. Fuck the hypocrisy! People are eager to cast stones at those they don't understand. God forbid that someone should deviate from the cookie-cutter template of conformity. Nonetheless, assimilation is mandatory to a certain extent.

    I don't wear a facade for the sole purpose of deception. Ultimately, it is a defense mechanism. Sometimes, I will behave a certain way just to elicit a particular response from people; testing the waters to see how deep they are. The drawback is that it hinders a true emotional-connection. In my experience, emotions/feelings frighten people, so why expose them if you don't have to?
    What's your enneagram? Instinctual stackings?

    The last part I agree with, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a "facade." There are situations where changing communication style is effective in interacting with other people who aren't like you for the purpose of getting something accomplished (e.g., project for school or work). I typically don't reveal my feelings and values to just anyone, so it doesn't feel unnatural for me not to express them to someone I'm only acquainted with or know very little. It is frustrating to be always the one who has to adapt to other people's communication style, but in certain settings it's necessary.

    This may also differ for INFP men and INFP women because of the effects of gender roles on the individual, which I believe you've hinted at in the second part of your OP.

  4. #14
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I've written on this topic before; I think this adaptation is somewhat common to INFP's. I used to equate this flexiness with some flaw on my part, being so adaptable, changing with circumstance, being what I am "expected" to be. More people in the world seem concrete, unchanging. I actually admire that to a great degree. No matter what happens they are ... who they are. Little compromise in their world.

    Over the years of my learning, I have taken time to start consolidating the core of me whilst still adapting to the environment as appropriate. For example, I never used to be very good with saying "no" to people and setting boundaries. I am getting much better at doing so, but this has been a process and not an overnight event. And, when people ask me to do something or I sense they want something, I consult with my core: Why am I doing this? How do I really feel about it? Do I really want to do this?

    I think being a type 9 as well exacerbates it for me, always desiring to keep the peace. Not wishing to participate in conflict. Or once I am in it, wanting conflict to resolve - I will get engaged in the messiness but want to get back to that place where personal harmony and understanding is reestablished.

    At this point in my life (40+) I see the flexiness as a great skill and advantage, provided I always remember to check in with, nurture and protect my core.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by neptunesnet View Post
    What's your enneagram?
    4w5

    Quote Originally Posted by neptunesnet View Post
    Instinctual stackings?
    Not sure

  6. #16
    Babylon Candle Venom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mask Manifest View Post
    The drawback is that it hinders a true emotional-connection. In my experience, emotions/feelings frighten people, so why expose them if you don't have to?
    At least your an introvert. As an Extroverted NF...the amount of feeling I wish to extrovert and actually allow myself to...is...never enough. And even then, intensity just scares people away. Agreed on gender stereotypes. I think it applies to all NF men (being an extrovert just makes it worse).

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