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Thread: Common INFJ issues

  1. #621
    Senior Member Array oneandonly's Avatar
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    INFJ problem...? laughing... before the punchline to the joke.
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    climb on Array Showbread's Avatar
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    “We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn't matter, but work is third.” - Leslie Knope

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  4. #624
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    The continual bombardment of impressions of other people's experiences, perception, and feelings, combined with a feeling of being so out-of-step with the norm that it is difficult to connect. I also can see manipulation and social games, but am helpless to respond or function in those environments, except to give into it because not only to do I see that someone close to me manipulates me, but I see why they are doing it, and their perception is also my own in a way ,so it's like a double dose manipulation. This is why i have to be able to get away from people. This sort of insight is more of a vulnerability than a power. It's like I see all of it from inside all the individuals involved. It is like constantly being flooded with subjective perceptions without the ability to act upon those impressions. There is too much information, so that it becomes a waste. It is disorienting being a Ni-dom.
    The first man to raise a fist is the man who's run out of ideas. H.G. WELLS
    The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. FEYNMAN

    If this is monkey pee, you're on your own.SCULLY
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  5. #625
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mademoiselle View Post

    That’s true. Thank you.




    I understand she’s caring even more than the emotions she shows.
    She wants me to be the same, but I can’t simply get upset like her, I have cool nerves..
    I know as a kid I owe my parents. So I sometimes want to act emotionally. But it’s too fake.
    Any chance she leans towards ENFJ? The really hard-core Ni-doms can be quite disassociated especially when subjected to pain in life. Does she ever go from intensely experiential to very detached? That tends to be an issue for INFJs.

    Not knowing a specific individual is limiting in knowing how to respond to your questions about INFJs, but generally to communicate effectively with an INFJ, I would say to be clear and direct, but to give the INFJ plenty of time to process what you have said. Demanding a response right away can be a problem if the person is quite introverted.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mademoiselle View Post
    May I ask you INFJ females, why do you turn my words into insults I don’t mean?

    I swear I don’t mean anything bad.. *face palm*
    This may be an internet thing, or possibly an INFJ thing for some, but I generally have a track record of being rather difficult to insult because it is important to me to adapt to others' style of communication.
    The first man to raise a fist is the man who's run out of ideas. H.G. WELLS
    The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. FEYNMAN

    If this is monkey pee, you're on your own.SCULLY

  6. #626
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    My mother is an INFJ and I'm an INFP so of course we fight all the time and I can't stand her lol, but I've been "in love" with an INFJ before (even tho she was unsure if she was INFJ or ISFJ cos she took the test several times and got different results, so let's say she was an IxFJ). generally I think the main problem with INFJs is that they generalise too much, have a martyr complex (big time) and compare people, putting them on the same level, without seeing that each individual is different and has different aspirations in life or talents, they can be very close-minded at times, and very influenced by society and the reality they live in, they don't have "innate" values (or they need time to develop them), they tend to rely more on external rules or principles, like religion etc, but with time that can change and they can learn to have their own kind of "faith" or philosophy or whatever, and they're very open to listening to other people's points of view. Also they literally obsess over problems, and that is so unhealthy, like talking about something (usually negative) over and over without finding a solution, it's like they just love to vent and to get upset about things, without actually doing anything about it or making a final decision. it's just frustrating and i think it makes them actually phisycally ill, all that negativity. I am a pessimist myself but I really don't have time to listen to someone who's constantly being negative and complaining, it's draining and it's really pointless if it's overdone. obviously this is not really objective since we all have complicated relationships with our mothers, but this is something that is inherent to her personality more than to her being my mother.
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  7. #627
    Senior citizen Array velveteen's Avatar
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    Your personal issues with (one, possibly two) INFJs =/= INFJ issues
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  8. #628
    noʎ ɟo ǝʇnɔ ʍoH Array Mademoiselle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    Any chance she leans towards ENFJ? The really hard-core Ni-doms can be quite disassociated especially when subjected to pain in life. Does she ever go from intensely experiential to very detached? That tends to be an issue for INFJs.

    Not knowing a specific individual is limiting in knowing how to respond to your questions about INFJs, but generally to communicate effectively with an INFJ, I would say to be clear and direct, but to give the INFJ plenty of time to process what you have said. Demanding a response right away can be a problem if the person is quite introverted.
    Hmmm, I actually don’t express my opinions infant of her anymore.. It never works out.
    So when she asks me I only answer with the basic words like: “Yes, I do.” “No, I don’t.” “I like that”
    or “I don’t like that.”
    As she loves me, she wants to get close to me.
    I also love too, but if I talk my mind, she misunderstands.
    And if I chose to remain silent for her own good, she get’s sad, thinking I avoid her.
    She almost ask me to have an Fe. Almost to change who I am.
    When nothing’s wrong with me.
    She keeps hurting herself using my words, and I don’t want to.
    I never hurt her, I am impressed how she gets painful things out of me.


    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    This may be an internet thing, or possibly an INFJ thing for some, but I generally have a track record of being rather difficult to insult because it is important to me to adapt to others' style of communication.
    No, in real life, e.g. when I say today I’m tired..
    She overthinks to find double meanings that could hurt her.
    She’d think I’m annoyed of her.
    '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
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  9. #629
    Happy Dancer Array uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mademoiselle View Post
    Hmmm, I actually don’t express my opinions infant of her anymore.. It never works out.
    So when she asks me I only answer with the basic words like: “Yes, I do.” “No, I don’t.” “I like that”
    or “I don’t like that.”
    As she loves me, she wants to get close to me.
    I also love too, but if I talk my mind, she misunderstands.
    And if I chose to remain silent for her own good, she get’s sad, thinking I avoid her.
    She almost ask me to have an Fe. Almost to change who I am.
    When nothing’s wrong with me.
    She keeps hurting herself using my words, and I don’t want to.
    I never hurt her, I am impressed how she gets painful things out of me.



    No, in real life, e.g. when I say today I’m tired..
    She overthinks to find double meanings that could hurt her.
    She’d think I’m annoyed of her.
    Might I suggest establishing some boundaries with her? Something simple like, "You know I love you, and I know you love me. Therefore please don't take my words and twist them into meaning that I don't love you. Don't you see how much that hurts both you and me, especially when we both know that twisted meaning is not true?"

    With close family and friends, these kinds of things are best dealt with head on, instead of by avoidance. We can generally avoid strangers, but we can't avoid those with whom we are close. That means facing the painful things head on in a positive and constructive way, calmly, without drama, with all possible emotional sincerity. Drama arises from avoiding such talks, as the avoided topic will arise again and again in slippery ways until it is finally addressed in the open.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  10. #630
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mademoiselle View Post
    Hmmm, I actually don’t express my opinions infant of her anymore.. It never works out.
    So when she asks me I only answer with the basic words like: “Yes, I do.” “No, I don’t.” “I like that”
    or “I don’t like that.”
    As she loves me, she wants to get close to me.
    I also love too, but if I talk my mind, she misunderstands.
    And if I chose to remain silent for her own good, she get’s sad, thinking I avoid her.
    She almost ask me to have an Fe. Almost to change who I am.
    When nothing’s wrong with me.
    She keeps hurting herself using my words, and I don’t want to.
    I never hurt her, I am impressed how she gets painful things out of me.



    No, in real life, e.g. when I say today I’m tired..
    She overthinks to find double meanings that could hurt her.
    She’d think I’m annoyed of her.
    I am really sorry to hear that, and realize that would be incredibly frustrating. Oftentimes when people have an inappropriate response to a current situation it is because at some point in the past the reaction did fit with their interactions and situations. When people encounter a really painful experience they can keep re-mapping it to reality, keep reliving it, whether it fits with the present situation or not.

    For whatever reason it sounds like she fears your rejection and so keeps living it out regardless of what you do. When people get into that mindset there isn't much the other person can do to fix it. It might be interesting to ask if she has ever had other people in her past make her feel rejected to help her start to figure out the true source of her feelings.

    When interactions became really complicated with family members I tried to lighten the conversations by sharing cute and funny pictures and jokes. I also tried to find the most meaningful concrete little present to give them because it can be a constant reminder they are loved. Sometimes a card with kind feelings can also be a constant reminder. I tend to distance myself when people's emotions get gnarled up like that, but give them these very simple, loving, concrete expressions. Sometimes people (perhaps NFs in particular) can get so lost in abstract, dark emotions that it helps to just simplify the interaction as much as possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    Might I suggest establishing some boundaries with her? Something simple like, "You know I love you, and I know you love me. Therefore please don't take my words and twist them into meaning that I don't love you. Don't you see how much that hurts both you and me, especially when we both know that twisted meaning is not true?"

    With close family and friends, these kinds of things are best dealt with head on, instead of by avoidance. We can generally avoid strangers, but we can't avoid those with whom we are close. That means facing the painful things head on in a positive and constructive way, calmly, without drama, with all possible emotional sincerity. Drama arises from avoiding such talks, as the avoided topic will arise again and again in slippery ways until it is finally addressed in the open.
    Ha. This is good advice and opposite to some of what I said. If you do approach things head-on, I suggest waiting until she is in a calm mood and not when she is in the middle of a dark mindset.

    The approach I described has worked with my family. I experienced something similar with confused communication and them becoming very fearful and distrusting of me. They are so gifted with emotional awareness that when it gets gnarled I didn't see a way to approach it head-on. The word twisting won't stop until everyone has calmed down. The approach I describe helps to stabilize the situation at least until everyone calms down. Then perhaps a direct talk. I never called them on how they made me feel, but did have some talks where I took as much ownership of the problem as possible. I took the blame as much as I could realistically do. I feel like it is resolved, so it feels like my approach worked in my situation.
    The first man to raise a fist is the man who's run out of ideas. H.G. WELLS
    The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. FEYNMAN

    If this is monkey pee, you're on your own.SCULLY

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