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Thread: Common INFJ issues

  1. #541
    Senior Member Array _eric_'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    I was overly compliant as a child and teen. I had a lot of trouble connecting socially and didn't make any close friends. I would approach the lonely and socially misfit students and befriend them, but tended to do more listening than personally sharing. I was in intense internal pain, withdrawn, and at risk for a lot of things. This was mostly unnoticed because of my external compliance, good grades, generally smiling at people, etc.
    That's exactly how I was in those times as well. I also didn't like team sports at all, they actually made those problems worse, as I was the kind of person who was always picked last to be on a team, and reluctantly at that. Usually the teacher would have to assign me to a team instead. And on top of that I was never much good at them...large motor skills deficiency due to (or co-morbid with, to be precise) as-of-then undiagnosed asperger's disorder. The few friends I had were other outcasts. Nobody else wanted much of anything to do with me, aside from putting me down and even harassing me, which in elementary school happened nearly every single day. Being pushed around, by multiple kids at once even, tripped in the halls in front of everyone, having my stuff stolen, laughed at in the gym locker room especially during swimming, being called every name you can possibly think of many many times, just generally treated like shit for being different. Ultimately not much changed when I got into high school. The only difference was that they were not as direct in their treatment of me so that it didn't go on their record. I could very often notice that many of them put on an air of superiority around me. They acted like I was invisible and they never included me in anything, in spite of my attempts to do otherwise. The put-downs also carried over, until maybe my senior year, at which point they pretty much paid no attention to me at all.

    So yeah, school was awful, and I had no help with anything. At least I never took it out on myself though, that is one good thing I can say.

  2. #542
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    ^ @_eric_ I think we probably would have been friends if we had attended school at the same time/place. I am sorry to hear that it was such a struggle and can relate to some of what you have written here.
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  3. #543
    Riva
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    Don't know where else to drop this question -

    Do people easily disappoint you?

    Especially in relationships.

  4. #544
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    In some ways, yes. In some ways I'm very much a realist, while at the same time being too much of an idealist. A romantic relationship has a big impact on the whole direction of a person's life. It's not something that can be set aside for a day or two when there is conflict, or vision isn't shared. And in some ways, I think that I am disappointed more easily than some people are when I do not feel that I'm on the same path as the person I'm with.

    I'd blame it on Ni - always with a vision of what could be or ought to be in mind, always trying to predict and prevent problems down the road, somewhat risk avoidant, always a little disappointed with not being able to manifest the vision that I have in real life. I think maybe all Ni users are bound to be disappointed in some ways, even when they are happy.

    In that sense I think I'd be a difficult romantic partner, as I find it difficult to just enjoy the good things and set aside the bad things. If I can see that something negative in the present is going to cause problems down the road and the other person is seemingly oblivious to it until they actually see the bad results (and it is too late to do anything about them), it is very hard to feel close to them or to remain at peace, knowing that something is amiss. I think that would be frustrating for another person (especially if they didn't share the same sentiments). It might feel like I am never contented with them as they are, that I am always borrowing trouble, that I am unnecessarily negative...

    I haven't met a person yet that I could truly envision having enough common ground and shared purpose to make a life together with. It's a very big blank cheque to write and I'm fairly happy with my life as it is now. Generally I have a hard time trading something I know I am happy with for something unknown, even if it has the potential of being great. (Even down to trying a new entree at a restaurant! That is part of what I admire about people who can make me try new things that I normally would not take a chance on).

    I wouldn't be adverse to the idea of meeting and marrying someone, but I don't know at this stage that I would have the sureness to actively seek it out either. Even on paper, with each personality type, I can see factors about each type that I think would be extremely difficult for me to reconcile myself to. It's not even that I expect a partner that is perfect. I realize that every set of good qualities has a flip side to it and that I have major flaws myself. It's just that I'm not sure how I would deal with certain problems over the long term in a way that wasn't damaging or invalidating to either myself or the person I was with.

    In other ways though I am exceptionally understanding and appreciative with a romantic partner. I have a huge capacity to love and enjoy being in a relationship. I like making the person I am with feel good.

    I am not so much easily disappointed by a person inadvertently hurting me, or by them being human. It's more when I see a reoccurring pattern that seemingly cannot be changed to work better for us in a sustainable way, then disappointment and deep sadness occur. It's the loss of hope or frustration at not seeing any possibilities for positive change, rather than the presence of problems that bothers me.

  5. #545
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    Don't know where else to drop this question -

    Do people easily disappoint you?

    Especially in relationships.

    I think the reason I need to be friends with someone for a while before getting in a relationship is precisely because I need to make sure ideals/goals are aligned enough for that not to easily happen. I do get disappointed relatively easy- though it’s really more about being disappointed to find they have different priorities than actually being disappointment in them. But that’s why I need to know someone well first- I loathe the idea of imposing my own priorities on another person, I need to make sure they already have similar values.

    Even using the heavy screening process though, both relationships I’ve been in as an adult have resulted in me eventually distancing myself as a result of needing to maintain my own ideals while not wanting to impose them. That distancing ruined one for sure, and played a big role in the other. So yeah, it is a problem.

    I'm totally going to die alone. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, RIVA.

    / w4
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  6. #546
    Riva
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I think the reason I need to be friends with someone for a while before getting in a relationship is precisely because I need to make sure ideals/goals are aligned enough for that not to easily happen. I do get disappointed relatively easy- though it’s really more about being disappointed to find they have different priorities than actually being disappointment in them. But that’s why I need to know someone well first- I loathe the idea of imposing my own priorities on another person, I need to make sure they already have similar values.

    Even using the heavy screening process though, both relationships I’ve been in as an adult have resulted in me eventually distancing myself as a result of needing to maintain my own ideals while not wanting to impose them. That distancing ruined one for sure, and played a big role in the other. So yeah, it is a problem.

    I'm totally going to die alone. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, RIVA.

    / w4
    Well I'm glad I was able to help remind you of your dire circumstances but on the plus side why get in to a life long relationship with someone one is not compatible with resulting in it turning into a prison?

    So alone you'd be but alone and happy .

    I would have imagined that one's heavy screening process would help one avoid getting in to non-compatible relationships but the point of attraction is to be somewhat blind towards incompatibilities.

    Edit - (edited after Z replied)

    I would have imagined that one's heavy screening process would help one avoid getting in to non-compatible relationships but a result and a point of attraction is/is to be somewhat blind towards incompatibilities is it not?

  7. #547
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    I would have imagined that one's heavy screening process would help one avoid getting in to non-compatible relationships but the point of attraction is to be somewhat blind towards incompatibilities.

    What an interesting thought. I almost see it the other way though- I anticipate incompatibilities with people, then feel attracted and pleasantly surprised when an actual compatibility reveals itself. I wonder if that's a Pe/Pi difference.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  8. #548
    Mojibake Array sprinkles's Avatar
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    Anyone else get miffed when somebody is making an assessment about you, they follow an irrelevant positive with a negative? As if trying to 'soften the blow' or some junk?

    Kind of like:
    "I appreciate your <A that has nothing to do with B> but your <B that has nothing to do with A> is blah blah blah."

    I mean, do you WANT me to rage? Is that it? ACCESS DENIED! STATE YOUR INTENT OR CEASE COMMUNICATION!

  9. #549
    Temporal Mechanic. Array Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sprinkles View Post
    Anyone else get miffed when somebody is making an assessment about you, they follow an irrelevant positive with a negative? As if trying to 'soften the blow' or some junk?

    Kind of like:
    "I appreciate your <A that has nothing to do with B> but your <B that has nothing to do with A> is blah blah blah."

    I mean, do you WANT me to rage? Is that it? ACCESS DENIED! STATE YOUR INTENT OR CEASE COMMUNICATION!
    Usually the only people who do that to me are people whose opinion I could care less about/they don't know me at all. So I can't feel miffed. I'm often amused by their condescension, & let it go.

    If they take forever to make their point, however, I can grow impatient.
    @ bold, I love this.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  10. #550
    Mojibake Array sprinkles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
    Usually the only people who do that to me are people whose opinion I could care less about/they don't know me at all. So I can't feel miffed. I'm often amused by their condescension, & let it go.

    If they take forever to make their point, however, I can grow impatient.
    @ bold, I love this.
    Hmm yeah. I think I'm just having one of those "Don't fuck with me, I'm half feral" times today.

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