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Thread: Common INFJ issues

  1. #41
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    Just thought of another that should have gone on my personal list. I have a tendancy towards secrecy/protectiveness of anything that I feel others whose opinions matter would really dislike. This can be pretty innocuous (no one needs to know my secret affection for Phil Collin's Groovy Kind of Love), or it may be that I don't have different groups of friends meet each other if I don't think they'll hitch (that emotional surprises thing again) or sometimes when I do/don't do something that I feel bad about and don't want others to know.

    This is where it gets most serious and it leads to sins of omission or a little lie, but the cavern just gets deeper the ground seems to split further and further apart. Then it's hard to backtrack and set things right again. Not only does this go against my value system and my profession of being a Christian, but secrecy always takes on a life of its own. What may start out as saying you've done something that you intend to do later that day, becomes a much bigger deal the longer it goes on. It comes between people and compromises the trust that should be there. It stems from not wanting to disappoint others, but really is a form of pride and not taking responsibility for your behaviour or decisions. This one I have worked on a lot through the years and I think am much better than I was. It is a trait in myself that I truly despise and see as being very destructive.

  2. #42
    にゃん Array runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Just thought of another that should have gone on my personal list. I have a tendancy towards secrecy/protectiveness of anything that I feel others whose opinions matter would really dislike. This can be pretty innocuous (no one needs to know my secret affection for Phil Collin's Groovy Kind of Love), or it may be that I don't have different groups of friends meet each other if I don't think they'll hitch (that emotional surprises thing again) or sometimes when I do/don't do something that I feel bad about and don't want others to know.

    This is where it gets most serious and it leads to sins of omission or a little lie, but the cavern just gets deeper the ground seems to split further and further apart. Then it's hard to backtrack and set things right again. Not only does this go against my value system and my profession of being a Christian, but secrecy always takes on a life of its own. What may start out as saying you've done something that you intend to do later that day, becomes a much bigger deal the longer it goes on. It comes between people and compromises the trust that should be there. It stems from not wanting to disappoint others, but really is a form of pride and not taking responsibility for your behaviour or decisions. This one I have worked on a lot through the years and I think am much better than I was. It is a trait in myself that I truly despise and see as being very destructive.
    This is something I've been trying to work on myself too. This could easily be an INF or NF issue in general. It sucks, and though I often use this board as a testing ground to practice not holding back so much, there is still many discussions I don't get into for this very reason.
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  3. #43
    Senior Member Array Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I do believe you shouldn't lie no matter how tempting it might be, if for nothing else but to get people off your back, but on the other hand (if there is an other hand to this) ... it bothers me intensely that some people don't understand the difference between public and private.

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    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't find it's usually people prying. It's more keeping something from the people whose opinions I care about most.

  5. #45
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Just thought of another that should have gone on my personal list. I have a tendancy towards secrecy/protectiveness of anything that I feel others whose opinions matter would really dislike. This can be pretty innocuous (no one needs to know my secret affection for Phil Collin's Groovy Kind of Love), or it may be that I don't have different groups of friends meet each other if I don't think they'll hitch (that emotional surprises thing again) or sometimes when I do/don't do something that I feel bad about and don't want others to know.
    Apologies for the derail, but I can't resist. No classical musician can resist that tune. It has been ingrained into our ears by our dear friend Clementi. Who knew Phil was such a good piano practicer.

    [youtube=Dup5evZvLAI]Clementi Rondo from Sonatina in G major[/youtube]
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  6. #46
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    I know! I did that song for my Grade 8 RCM exam. I think maybe that's why I liked it! I love that video!

  7. #47
    Obsession. Array Lethe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    21) Lazy about figuring out technological stuff or leave it to others - This one probably isn't INFJ related. I usually wish that some nice ENTP or ESTP is around to give me the Cliff's Notes on something new. While I am very curious about some things, I am not interested in discovering something for myself because I enjoy the process.
    It may be an enneagram one -- many INFJs (mostly 5w4's; some 5w6's) I've encountered love the technological/technical issues. They can appear like INTPs when they get into the nitty-gritty tech details.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    What looks like red to me is really a very specific shade of red that means something quite different than another shade of red and therefore can be rather offensive. I probably am like that about Ti - picky about wording of things to express a thought precisely.
    I've actually heard the said INFJs above explain the importance about precision and language. My emotional world tends to be more black and white in comparison, though I acknowledge that others' may be along the gray areas. It's easier for me to do 'gray' with Te than Fi.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    5) Hold those close to them to a higher degree of accountability than those that are less important to them - This may seem judgemental and unfair, but because those close to them are an extension of their own self, integrity is paramount to them and they choose to invest heavily in a few close relationships, they expect more of those people than they do of casual acquaintance friends. When they feel you are worth risking conflict with and you start hearing the negatives about yourself as well as the positives, you're in!
    Ha! I think this is accurate, at least of my friendships with INFJs. It takes me by surprise because their 'external' appearance gives a very contrasting impression. I admit my judgmental, critical and perfectionist side early on, and it becomes ironic when we switch places the more we develop our connection.
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  8. #48
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    This is very interesting! I can see a trend emerging among the sp instinct types - they tend to draw their boundaries more naturally, I think.
    Yeah, it definitely seems as though I have thicker boundaries than most INFJs. One of the things INFJs often talk about is having strangers (or practically strangers) trust them with secrets and feel as though the INFJ has become some kind of BFF. I never get this. At all. I'm not very approachable, at least not until I've observed someone enough to guess they won't tax my energy reserve. I'm just kind of selfish like that; I've got a 'guilty until proven innocent' mentality when it comes to meeting people.

    On the flipside, boundaries become extremely vague with people I trust. It's often been the case that I didn't realize how off balance a relationship or friendship was (with me giving more- understanding, patience, respect, etc- than I was receiving) until years after dissolving a relationship with someone. With people I trust, it's my default to err on the side of being giving: it's a default that has bitten me in the ass more than a couple of times. And the boundary issues I have with strangers are probably trickle-down issues from the trouble I have finding boundaries with those close to me. It isn't even that I see where the boundaries should be and don't have the cajolery to enforce them: I truly don't see where fair boundaries are when directly dealing with someone. I only feel the vague sting of having had them violated for a while, and it can take me years to figure out why I felt that way (which goes back to the issues resurfacing problem- things really do keep coming back up again and again until the 'vague sting' makes sense).

    Edit: And I don't know if it's like this for anyone else, but I've noticed that- more often than not- what makes something finally 'click', or start to make sense, is if I see someone else go through something very similar. I wish I could think of a specific example, but I'm running a blank. Basically, I'll see someone go through some experience and instantly recognize why it made that person feel bad (probably taken for granted in some way). Then I compare it to my own past situation (not on purpose, but the similariy will just 'click') and the realization hits me: "Oooooooh. THAT'S why I felt so bad." It's kind of ridiculous how I can spot it right away for other people and it can take me years to figure out for myself.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  9. #49
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lethe View Post
    It may be an enneagram one -- many INFJs (mostly 5w4's; some 5w6's) I've encountered love the technological/technical issues. They can appear like INTPs when they get into the nitty-gritty tech details.
    It's kind of hit or miss with me. If I feel pulled toward learning something, I can spend endless hours studying it by myself. I love diving into technological/technical issues sometimes, figuring things out.

    On the other hand, I've got a shop-vac sitting in front of me in my living room which has been sitting there for about two weeks now waiting for me to figure out how to put a vacuum cleaner bag in it. I've tried. The score is currently something like: vacuum cleaner 8/ me 0. I'm hoping my INTP dad will just put it in for me one of the times they stop by for a visit.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Just thought of another that should have gone on my personal list. I have a tendancy towards secrecy/protectiveness of anything that I feel others whose opinions matter would really dislike. This can be pretty innocuous (no one needs to know my secret affection for Phil Collin's Groovy Kind of Love), or it may be that I don't have different groups of friends meet each other if I don't think they'll hitch (that emotional surprises thing again) or sometimes when I do/don't do something that I feel bad about and don't want others to know.

    This is where it gets most serious and it leads to sins of omission or a little lie, but the cavern just gets deeper the ground seems to split further and further apart. Then it's hard to backtrack and set things right again. Not only does this go against my value system and my profession of being a Christian, but secrecy always takes on a life of its own. What may start out as saying you've done something that you intend to do later that day, becomes a much bigger deal the longer it goes on. It comes between people and compromises the trust that should be there. It stems from not wanting to disappoint others, but really is a form of pride and not taking responsibility for your behaviour or decisions. This one I have worked on a lot through the years and I think am much better than I was. It is a trait in myself that I truly despise and see as being very destructive.
    I am in love with this post..

    You might not realize it. But for me, you hit the issue right on the head.

    You asked me in PM to maybe try and articulate what I was feeling and to share it in this thread. Very well.. and in this case you would be correct to assume I am stinging from my own personal relationships with INFJs.

    I am talking about the INFJ tendency to make unilateral decisions that involve the feelings of others without any consultation or sharing of the decision making process. This is fine with loose friends or associates .. But with those close to you it says "I don't trust you" "I know better" "you are not my equal".. These behaviors will elicit the kind of response from people that send INFJs into defense mode.
    It's emotional cannibalism.

    You seem to understand this on some level and might be the 1st INFJ I have ever known to do so.

    That is why I am in love with this post.

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