Just thought of another that should have gone on my personal list. I have a tendancy towards secrecy/protectiveness of anything that I feel others whose opinions matter would really dislike. This can be pretty innocuous (no one needs to know my secret affection for Phil Collin's Groovy Kind of Love), or it may be that I don't have different groups of friends meet each other if I don't think they'll hitch (that emotional surprises thing again) or sometimes when I do/don't do something that I feel bad about and don't want others to know.
This is where it gets most serious and it leads to sins of omission or a little lie, but the cavern just gets deeper the ground seems to split further and further apart. Then it's hard to backtrack and set things right again. Not only does this go against my value system and my profession of being a Christian, but secrecy always takes on a life of its own. What may start out as saying you've done something that you intend to do later that day, becomes a much bigger deal the longer it goes on. It comes between people and compromises the trust that should be there. It stems from not wanting to disappoint others, but really is a form of pride and not taking responsibility for your behaviour or decisions. This one I have worked on a lot through the years and I think am much better than I was. It is a trait in myself that I truly despise and see as being very destructive.
Thread: Common INFJ issues
07-16-2010, 11:57 AM #41
07-16-2010, 12:08 PM #42Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.
INFP, 6w7, IEI
I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.
07-16-2010, 12:13 PM #43
I do believe you shouldn't lie no matter how tempting it might be, if for nothing else but to get people off your back, but on the other hand (if there is an other hand to this) ... it bothers me intensely that some people don't understand the difference between public and private.
07-16-2010, 12:36 PM #44
I don't find it's usually people prying. It's more keeping something from the people whose opinions I care about most.
07-16-2010, 05:24 PM #45
[youtube=Dup5evZvLAI]Clementi Rondo from Sonatina in G major[/youtube]
07-16-2010, 06:44 PM #46
I know! I did that song for my Grade 8 RCM exam. I think maybe that's why I liked it! I love that video!
07-16-2010, 07:04 PM #47
"I cannot expect even my own art to provide all of the answers -- only to hope it keeps asking the right questions." -- Grace Hartigan
Enneagram: Tritype - 1w9, 5 (balanced wings), 2w3; Overall Variant: So/Sx
Functional Preferences: Ni, Te/Fi, Ti, Se, Fe, Si, Ne
07-16-2010, 07:19 PM #48
On the flipside, boundaries become extremely vague with people I trust. It's often been the case that I didn't realize how off balance a relationship or friendship was (with me giving more- understanding, patience, respect, etc- than I was receiving) until years after dissolving a relationship with someone. With people I trust, it's my default to err on the side of being giving: it's a default that has bitten me in the ass more than a couple of times. And the boundary issues I have with strangers are probably trickle-down issues from the trouble I have finding boundaries with those close to me. It isn't even that I see where the boundaries should be and don't have the cajolery to enforce them: I truly don't see where fair boundaries are when directly dealing with someone. I only feel the vague sting of having had them violated for a while, and it can take me years to figure out why I felt that way (which goes back to the issues resurfacing problem- things really do keep coming back up again and again until the 'vague sting' makes sense).
Edit: And I don't know if it's like this for anyone else, but I've noticed that- more often than not- what makes something finally 'click', or start to make sense, is if I see someone else go through something very similar. I wish I could think of a specific example, but I'm running a blank. Basically, I'll see someone go through some experience and instantly recognize why it made that person feel bad (probably taken for granted in some way). Then I compare it to my own past situation (not on purpose, but the similariy will just 'click') and the realization hits me: "Oooooooh. THAT'S why I felt so bad." It's kind of ridiculous how I can spot it right away for other people and it can take me years to figure out for myself.
07-16-2010, 07:40 PM #49
On the other hand, I've got a shop-vac sitting in front of me in my living room which has been sitting there for about two weeks now waiting for me to figure out how to put a vacuum cleaner bag in it. I've tried. The score is currently something like: vacuum cleaner 8/ me 0. I'm hoping my INTP dad will just put it in for me one of the times they stop by for a visit.
07-16-2010, 07:42 PM #50
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
You might not realize it. But for me, you hit the issue right on the head.
You asked me in PM to maybe try and articulate what I was feeling and to share it in this thread. Very well.. and in this case you would be correct to assume I am stinging from my own personal relationships with INFJs.
I am talking about the INFJ tendency to make unilateral decisions that involve the feelings of others without any consultation or sharing of the decision making process. This is fine with loose friends or associates .. But with those close to you it says "I don't trust you" "I know better" "you are not my equal".. These behaviors will elicit the kind of response from people that send INFJs into defense mode.
It's emotional cannibalism.
You seem to understand this on some level and might be the 1st INFJ I have ever known to do so.
That is why I am in love with this post.
[ENFP] Common ENFP issuesBy Amargith in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)Replies: 722Last Post: 03-16-2017, 04:22 PM
[INTJ] Common INTJ IssuesBy highlander in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)Replies: 309Last Post: 01-06-2017, 06:29 PM
[ENFJ] Common ENFJ IssuesBy Domino in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)Replies: 206Last Post: 01-03-2017, 03:22 PM
By Lenian in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)Replies: 2Last Post: 04-22-2016, 01:28 PM
By Lenian in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)Replies: 0Last Post: 01-31-2011, 05:16 PM