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[INFJ] Common INFJ issues

Fidelia

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What I'm surprised about though is that I think most INFJs would fairly instinctively understand this feeling. I hate it when Te users tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't feel upset. I want them to either listen or to agree enough that I'm reassured that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

That's why I wonder if something else is going on. I do think that Fe users feel a lot more detached than Fi users when giving advice (which Fi is less likely to do anyway), even if they feel sympathetic. It sounds though like the issue is a little more than just that though.
 

sciski

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You're both welcome. :)

This is roughly how I reflect on this.

Fe vantage point is "I feel like this, am I wrong?"

Fi vantage point is, "I feel like this, am I right?" That's where your word "justified" comes into play. I would just leave that word out, and share with her that you need to vent in order to work through your own emotional frustration. Sometimes, you just need someone to say back to you, "Ya, that person is a big meanie and you are ok, I think you are the best!" +giant hug!!!

I agree with this (especially the last line! INFPs :wubbie:).

Considering your example above, EJCC, where your mother was trying to be fair to your aunt by defending her, it doesn't seem likely she will say that your feelings are entirely justified... which is a shame. I guess if she can reach a stage where she at least just listens and acknowledges your feelings, that could be enough... but it would take a fair amount of habit-breaking, so it could be a long wait.

My other thinking is that maybe you could offer clues about how she could comfort you, because she might think that getting you thinking logically would be comforting (though it's not working!). If she or you are huggy people, then you could just ask for a cuddle (it's my husband's comforting mechanism of choice and it works!), or just have a cup of tea together, or retail therapy, and you can chat while in a fairly neutral environment...

Regarding your feelings being justified though, it was only when I hit the age of 29 that I read a book that made things very simple and clear--how you feel is how you feel and your feelings need no justification. Your feelings are not right and they are not wrong. They just 'are'. It's what we do based on our feelings that can be judged right/wrong/justifiable, etc. But you have a right to feel the way you feel.

fidelia said:
What I'm surprised about though is that I think most INFJs would fairly instinctively understand this feeling. I hate it when Te users tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't feel upset. I want them to either listen or to agree enough that I'm reassured that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

I also get bugged by anybody telling me why I shouldn't be upset (quick way to ensure that I blast you with the twin rockets of fury!). My guess is that nobody enjoys being invalidated and I doubt (maybe I'm being naive here) that many people set out to invalidate others or deliberately try to be cruel. However, I still invalidate others, often without realising it, in the name of being helpful. Having said that, I've never seen you post anything invalidating, so it's likely you're one of the INFJs who has an instinctive understanding of validation.

I guess for an example of Fe-style invalidation... well, an Fe person is more inclined to try to cheer up someone who is upset, which, though kindly meant, is invalidating (eg. Don't cry, don't be sad, maybe you misunderstood the situation and it's not really that bad, oh they didn't mean it that way..). It's like saying to someone that 'hey, it's not okay for you to feel upset, I'd rather you feel happy/neutral/logical about it/okay instead.' It's all meant to help the other person feel better, but sometimes ends up with them feeling worse.

Of course there are some cases where the person is cheered up and helped by rationalising things out, and figuring out what works for who is all part of the mystery of life.

EJCC said:
Could it also, in addition to that, be that she detaches herself while coaching as a self-protection mechanism, so she doesn't get really emotional just by seeing me being emotional? She does have a strong mother-lion tendency, so maybe she feels like she has to rein herself in whenever I'm upset?
I can only offer guesses... and this story. My mother is a really sweet ISFJ and we're very close. We went out to lunch a couple of weeks ago, and during lunch, we began talking about the events before my wedding (basically enormous amounts of stress due to my FIL having a stroke and us needing to fly across the country to look after him and MIL, while replanning a wedding with a week's notice so that he could see his only son get married), and she began to cry at the lunch table. My immediate reaction was to tear up myself and then say jokingly, "Don't cry, I cry when you cry!" OMG.

My motivation was to rescue her from feeling pain or embarrassment at crying in public, but I wanted to kick myself afterwards.

So guess 1: it could be partly her protective mechanism coming in... not wanting to escalate the situation by getting upset herself (if she's inclined to be empathic).

Guess 2: When I enter analytical mode, I become very unemotional. But it's like I absolutely need to shut down my compassionate side in order to have a clear mind, and I absolutely need to have a clear mind in order to find the solution. Perhaps your mother drops into that 'problem-solving' state when she sees you struggling to cope with something.

Guess 3: She has trouble dealing with her own emotions (her needing validation from your father and you when she is upset seems to point to this), so she has just as much trouble dealing with your emotions.

Guess 4: She really values being fair and impartial, so your feelings fall by the wayside.

But as I said, they're just guesses, and some of the other replies offered really excellent suggestions that could explain her viewpoint.
 

InvisibleJim

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How does a strong Te user deal with an INFJ in 'Ti Ti Ti Ti Ti Ti' mode...

Do they just need a hug?
 

Fidelia

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Generally yes. Understand you are doing a huge service by listening (they may think that it is so obvious that they forget to explain that). Even ask some questions to draw them out further. They'll run out of steam in a bit and then they'll be ready to work on the solution. It's like getting pus out of a wound before cleaning, disinfecting and bandaging it up.

For me anyway, I need to get all that extra stuff out and I find that having someone to talk to helps incredibly, even if I mostly need them to listen. Somehow it gives me a kind of clarity by expressing it that I can't arrive at by myself as easily. It sorts out my own thoughts and helps me sort what is important from what isn't (Ni offers too many possibilities and Ti offers too many details, so it can get overwhelming to decide what to factor in and what to ignore).

I don't expect them to encourage a skewed or unfair point of view in me, but if they jump to devil's advocating or point out where I am wrong immediately, then it just adds more stuff for me to clear away before I can start working on the real problem.
 

SilkRoad

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Generally yes. Understand you are doing a huge service by listening (they may think that it is so obvious that they forget to explain that). Even ask some questions to draw them out further. They'll run out of steam in a bit and then they'll be ready to work on the solution. It's like getting pus out of a wound before cleaning, disinfecting and bandaging it up.

For me anyway, I need to get all that extra stuff out and I find that having someone to talk to helps incredibly, even if I mostly need them to listen. Somehow it gives me a kind of clarity by expressing it that I can't arrive at by myself as easily. It sorts out my own thoughts and helps me sort what is important from what isn't (Ni offers too many possibilities and Ti offers too many details, so it can get overwhelming to decide what to factor in and what to ignore).

I don't expect them to encourage a skewed or unfair point of view in me, but if they jump to devil's advocating or point out where I am wrong immediately, then it just adds more stuff for me to clear away before I can start working on the real problem.

All very true. Unfortunately, there aren't that many people who understand this. Most people, if they are even willing to listen, will conclude that you're just obsessing about things (and admittedly, sometimes there can be a fine line between getting it all out, and obsessing) and will tell you that you should be over it by now, or why you shouldn't have allowed yourself to get into that state in the first place, or something of that nature. Which really doesn't help.

I've become extremely cautious about who I vent to in these situations because I don't want to end up with further damage, and also I don't want to end up resenting the well-meaning friends who think the best thing they can do for you is cut you off or tell you you need to STOP THOSE FEELINGS NOW.

At the moment I think I have a grand total of one friend who I can productively vent in these situations, and she lives on another continent. But so far I have certainly been able to vent, and she'll express the sympathy and concern, and offer kind suggestions about how to not make the situation/feelings worse (but she won't tell me I shouldn't have those feelings or be in the situation in the first place.) She also happens to be the only person other person I know IRL who is a 100% confirmed INFJ. I think it does help if you have someone like that in your life, who really understands what you need in such situations, because it's also what they need.

Just having one friend like that is more than a lot of people have, admittedly. And there are other friends who will try, but I probably shouldn't take it too far, or they may not be able to follow me. Probably another reason why I spend time trying to work things out on a forum... ;)
 

Z Buck McFate

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Question for INFJs and those who know them: Do they have an unsympathetic streak, with people they're close to? I ask because my INFJ mom has a tendency (and has had it probably since I was a preteen) to be unsympathetic and evasive when I try to express frustration or anger or any emotion that would cause tears.

(Common interaction when I was a kid:
Mom: Maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore. You'll just get more upset.
Me: Why can't I get upset??? I have a right to be upset!)

My first thought in reading this is that your mom may have some unresolved issues with her sister which prevent her being able to listen to your complaining with fresh ears. If I’ve got a history built up with someone- especially one in which I hadn’t received validation myself, and had to deal with ‘the way they are’- I might feel already fed up with the topic before anyone even brings it up (even though it’s brand new to the person bringing it up). And there may be a reluctance to be like “Oh I know, she’s unnerving…” because if that sort of thing ever got back to her sister it could open up conflict that she’s simply not willing deal with- which experience has told her is a dead end, that it only brings conflict without resolution- and it’s probably not even a conscious unwillingness. She might not even be able to reason “oh EJCC isn’t going to say anything” if it’s enough of a vague aversion to her- she’ll simply avoid talking about it. We tend to make mental post-it notes that collect about people and we can be obstinate about certain directives regarding certain people even after the reason we established the directive has become vague. This is someone who has been around her for most (or all) of her life, so there are bound to be really vague interpersonal directives in there which even she doesn’t recognize or understand the reason for. INFJs can tend to obstinately cling to these vague directives more than most types.

EJCC said:
I made a thread about it a while ago, and after re-reading it, I think she's a 1w9 -- because although she has a lot of the same 1-esque repression going on, I don't think she feels the need to be "helpful" all the time, like I do, although she is (obviously) so focused on harmony, which might be a 9 wing?

This was going to be my next question- if she’s e9. Because personally I never stop digging through certain dynamics between myself and others- but it *seems* to me like e9s will prioritize peace on the surface of things over peace at the grimy dirty core of things more than e5 types. If my son were to complain about something my sister does which frustrates me- I’d be all over it, excited that someone else is seeing it. Or I’d be surprised that something is bothering him which I never noticed. Either way, I’d be all over it. I’m with Fidelia in saying that I don’t think it’s particularly an INFJ thing to stifle the feeling. It might be an INFJ thing to have a whole history with a person sitting just below the surface which could influence the way we react to information about them- but even if my gut instinct was to immediately stifle the feeling, I’d come back to the person with a need to explain why it’s hard for me to listen.

On the other hand, if I complain to my sister (she’s e9) about someone else in the family, I get a steaming pile of “that’s just the way they are” from her. She doesn’t want to sort through it, she doesn’t want to look at it, she just wants to ignore it. I don’t know, maybe even w9 can drive this kind of behavior. (And I’m not even 100% that it’s an e9 thing.)
 

PeaceBaby

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[MENTION=7842]Z Buck McFate[/MENTION]: I am a nine, yet I too wish to get to the grimy core ... as you know! :laugh:

I like what you said about history too, about unresolved issues perhaps.
 

Z Buck McFate

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I am a nine, yet I too wish to get to the grimy core ... as you know! :laugh:

But you're also Fi dom, I wonder if that makes a difference.

One of my best friends is INFJ and probably e9, with 5w4 a rather close second. But anyway- it seems like she likes the gritty core too, but it's like she's got to pick and choose her battles with grit. She doesn't seem to do well with too much digging in too many places at once- that getting to the dirty core is good, so long as there are many clean, solid and peaceful connections going on elsewhere. She's really an amazing writer and can expose 'grit' better than I can- but I think it's more overwhelming to her. So springing something like "Your sister is driving me crazy" might be overwhelming if she isn't already in a headspace for digging through it. INFJs already don't like emo surprises- throw in an enneagram-specific challenge and you've got yourself the fixin's.
 

Crescent Fresh

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For me anyway, I need to get all that extra stuff out and I find that having someone to talk to helps incredibly, even if I mostly need them to listen. Somehow it gives me a kind of clarity by expressing it that I can't arrive at by myself as easily. It sorts out my own thoughts and helps me sort what is important from what isn't (Ni offers too many possibilities and Ti offers too many details, so it can get overwhelming to decide what to factor in and what to ignore).

The truth is, those extra stuff will make us look bad to a certain group of people as they simply just view us as being excessively negative behaviors. I'm not sure about you, but I happen to notice myself that once I start to vent, the less logical I seem to sound like to them. Partly because we focus on "our" perspective more than the other if we're in conflicts with them. Now I just avoid letting it out to Fi users as I felt they'll never understand that having a pair of patient years is the perfect remedy to resolve our frustration.


I don't expect them to encourage a skewed or unfair point of view in me, but if they jump to devil's advocating or point out where I am wrong immediately, then it just adds more stuff for me to clear away before I can start working on the real problem.

Yes, I experience this as well. Though sometimes it does help me to 're-think' the whole situation again critically, as long as the speaker knows how to do it in a non-aggressive way. Actually, I happened to learn so much more about my flaws during this stage.
 

Moxiest

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I pay attention to details, just not the same ones alot of S's pay attention to.... like, names and stuff :p

I also find myself getting anxiety at times over whether people understand what I am communicating or not... this might be a "N" thing (not just and INFJ thing)... I have written and posted things many times, only to delete them next chance I am by a computer thinking "no one is going to understand what I wrote! :p" I have done it on facebook, here, and another site that I post comments to as well.... has this happened to any of you?
 
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nomoreshallwepart

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I pretty much get everything in the OP in some way or another.

13) Tendancy to be poor with paperwork, locating items quickly under pressure - I've largely solved this by having a big lanyard for my keys, carrying a decent sized purse and having a file folder that things go into immediately.

I totally get this, the more my emotions flare up, the harder I find it to sense things; meaning that I can't find things when I'm stressing out and sometimes I don't listen to people after they've triggered a panic in me, like they are competing with an internal monologue.
 

Quay

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I liked the link too.

I JUST went through something similar earlier today.

My mom has stage 4 cancer and I was visiting her in the hospital today. I became overwhelmed at one point and left the room because I could feel the tears coming. My aunt follows me and says, "Stop crying! The worst part is over." I was totally pissed and 30 minutes later left for home.

I felt totally invalidated. That is MY MOTHER, with a colostomy bag, frail and barely able to stand. It hurts to see her that way, and no, the worst is not over. How the fuck would she know anyway? Even the doctors seem uncertain.

I totally wanted to cut into my aunt, but my family is just like this, expecting me to be emotionless and stone-faced. It's only in recent times that I've learned to be okay with my anger and sadness, and that's due to therapy and being away from their asses for a few years.

Sorry for the vent. I'm glad I clicked on this thread.
 

Jongloress

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1)Delayed processing time- This irritates my husband (an INTP) excessively, he wants a very concrete yes/no answer to everything, and it can take me several minutes of pondering to come to the conclusion that I don't have enough information to have an opinion.

2 & 3) For me, this seems to tie mostly into my tendency to become very rigid once I've come to a conclusion about something. When something doesn't mesh with that mental image/world view it creates dissonance, and it's very hard for me to alter my opinions once they are set.

4 & 10) Dislike of emotional surprises/need to be in control of emotions)- Back in my elementary school days (as the quiet dreamy girl who sat to the side and spent most of her time in her own head) I was a target for school bullies, and I learned that people laugh at you when you cry and they just get meaner if you show them that they can make you mad. As an adult, I cognitively know that this isn't true, but old lessons are hard to unlearn.

5) Hold those close to them to a higher degree of accountability- I think that it is generally so difficult for me to develop a real genuine trusting relationship with someone, that any perceived betrayal on the part of the other person shakes not only my trust in that relationship but makes me question all of my other relationships, as well.

6) Easily embarrassed and quite private- I hate being the center of attention, nuff said :)

7a) Long gaps in correspondance- For me, I spend a lot of time bouncing around ideas in my head, and I have mental representatives of the important people in my life in there. It's not uncommon for me to have chats with my mental representative of Joe Shmoe about this topic or that topic daily, and to lose contact with the Joe Shmoe who lives in the real world because I haven't actually reached out to talk to them for months.

7b) Putting off a job that matters a lot- I try very hard to not get wrapped up in my perfectionism, as nothing I do is ever really done...but, yes, the more important a job is to me the harder it is to get going on it.

8) Not creating clear enough boundaries for people around them- On of the hardest things for me growing up was in the fact that I seem to pick up on and experience other people's emotions, and the confusion associated with not being clear on where I start and the other person stops.

9) Find it difficult to assess when is the time to make a Big Deal out of something- I have a fuse that's atleast 20 miles long, but it's attached to an atom bomb. I have been actively and conciously trying to vent my anger/frustration rather than bottling it up, this is difficult due to the 4/10 issue.

11) Get less receptive to advice if the person hasn't taken enough time to understand the situation- I do this, I think this is tied into the issues associated with 1, and the need to make a concious effort to understand that other people don't think the same way that I do.

17) Over-indulgent when under stress- I have become very concious that I do this, and have started to make a habit of catching myself.

19) Stubborn - I tend to need a lot of convincing with a new idea before I will adopt it, because it involves changing the whole structure over again...my sentiments exactly.

20) Promising more than I can actually deliver- I really struggle with this.
 

OrangeAppled

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These are problems I have experienced in INFJs I know in person. I'm not saying this is what all INFJs are like or that these points even sum up these individuals (who DO have good qualities), but I see these as "common issues" in INFJs.

Anyone want to cop to some of these (even if to lesser degree), explain how you get over these negative tendencies, etc?

I've included some points from a Ni description which seem to explain the "root" of some of these issues.

1. General paranoia. Example: everyone is out to get them for no good reason. All of their problems are due to these people who are out to get them, and there is absolutely nothing they have done to spur these people, of course. In reality, these people may not like them, but they are ignoring the INFJ, not out to get them; OR the INFJ has given them a reason to react that way.

"Have little awareness of the facts of the external world... the world of facts are far removed for them, and they try to confine their contact with these things to the aspects which they can regulate as they like. Everything else appears to them as suspicious, as something they must defend themselves against."

"The influence of reason is inconsistent & self-centered....and the knowledge behind their thoughts is often incomplete.....they may force a line of reasoning that ends up being unclear and contradictory."


2. Selfishness & in denial about it. Playing tyrant/victim, whichever suits them to get their way. They pat themselves on the back for being so "giving", but they only give in ways that suits them (ie. benefits them also in some way), not according to what people truly need & are even asking for.

" Egotism, and a desire to dominate, may cause them to use these requirements of an ideal relationship to benefit their own agenda."

3. They will not take personal responsibility* for any problem in their life or any negative effect they have on others; they are always blaming something outside themselves.

4. General Delusion*. They will see nothing but what they want to see, which is a majorly distorted perspective completely at odds with the reality of the world. See quote for #1.

5. They are not simply sensitive to criticism; they refuse to acknowledge they have flaws at all or that they have any blame in a situation, period. Yet, they criticize others heavily & have high expectations for them that they could never meet themselves.

"They may make demands on others without being prepared to meet the same demands themselves."

6. They make promises or state intentions they either cannot keep or don't intend to keep, mainly to get others to do what they want. When they are called on these promises, they get mad at people for being "demanding"* & accuse them of not being supportive of them by expecting too much. I see this as a form of manipulation, even if not intentional.

"Seek to regulate everything according to their own ideas...
Apt to be tyrants within their own small circle...
Rather than adapt themselves to others, they will limit their contact with those who do not agree with them..."


7. INSANE double standards. For example, only the INFJ is allowed to be hurt; if they hurt you & you communicate this, then they act hurt that you'd dare imply they are even capable of hurting someone (see inability to accept criticism, even if that means they will invalidate others' feelings & trample their needs). Other kinds of double standards they flex include holding other people to standards they themselves fail to meet & likely never will. See quote for #5.

* Elaboration: They respond to emotional pain with a perspective shift which eases that pain by removing personal responsibility. Instead of literally running away (as a Pe type would; seeking a new external environment for better possibilities), they mentally distance themselves from something, creating a new mental possibility (or viewpoint) that has nothing to do with reality, but soothes their feelings. This new, distorted perspective explains away any blame they might have to accept otherwise. Now, they don't have to change what they do either; instead, they insist others change for them, & they either cut these people off or manipulate them to if they won't adhere to the INFJ's wishes.
 

uumlau

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Anyone want to cop to some of these (even if to lesser degree), explain how you get over these negative tendencies, etc?

I've included some points from a Ni description which seem to explain the "root" of some of these issues.
I'm not an INFJ, but my Mom was INFJ, I'm generally able to get along with INFJs, and I'm INTJ, so I have the Ni bit down pat and understand how it gets abused. So I'll put in my opinion.

1. General paranoia.
Yes, but it isn't "everyone is out to get them." It's more like if they get burned once, they put up major walls to prevent getting burned again, or if that's impossible, they gloomily predict getting burned again. AND they're often correct about it. One INFJ friend of mine was fairly good at predicting when he'd get let go from a job. Now, he'd predict it more often than would happen, but he was still uncannily accurate.

2. Selfishness & in denial about it. Playing tyrant/victim, whichever suits them to get their way. They pat themselves on the back for being so "giving", but they only give in ways that suits them (ie. benefits them also in some way), not according to what people truly need & are even asking for.
Yes and no. The selfishness aspect is Ni. Ni dominant means we're in our heads all the time. That makes us fairly oblivious to our selfish tendencies, because we're mostly "selfish" because we aren't paying attention to that sort of thing. Even auxiliary Fe doesn't always ameliorate this all the time (for the same reason that aux Te doesn't always make INTJs logical). And for the same reason that not all INTJs are super-logical as they pretend to be, not all INFJs are truly emotionally aware as they pretend to be. Or rather, INTJs are super-logical about particular things, not everything, and INFJs are exceptionally emotionally aware about particular things, not everything.

3. They will not take personal responsibility* for any problem in their life or any negative effect they have on others; they are always blaming something outside themselves.
More Ni. The funny thing is that they'll believe they're being responsible. The problem is that their inner perspective is just enough different from others' that it skews what is reasonable vs unreasonable.

4. General Delusion*. They will see nothing but what they want to see, which is a majorly distorted perspective completely at odds with the reality of the world. See quote for #1.
Ni again. But the perspective is usually not that distorted, just distorted enough that it's hard to tell whether they're really seeing something with amazing insight, or they're just plain wrong. INTJs have the same problem, but have a slight advantage: INTJs, if they play their cards right, can actually point at physical reality and prove that they're right even if they can't explain why they're right.

5. They are not simply sensitive to criticism; they refuse to acknowledge they have flaws at all or that they have any blame in a situation, period. Yet, they criticize others heavily & have high expectations for them that they could never meet themselves.
This is pretty darn rare in the INFJs I know. I think this might be more a reaction of others to INFJ criticism. The criticism may or may not be justified, but especially when criticizing values, it is difficult not to appear to be hypocritical. INFJs generally do have high expectations for themselves, too, but they're just not vocalized.

6. They make promises or state intentions they either cannot keep or don't intend to keep, mainly to get others to do what they want. When they are called on these promises, they get mad at people for being "demanding"* & accuse them of not being supportive of them by expecting too much. I see this as a form of manipulation, even if not intentional.
This is pretty darn rare, too. As much as I adore NFPs, and get along with them better than NFJs, they are more likely to flake out on me in unpredictable ways than NFJs.

7. INSANE double standards. For example, only the INFJ is allowed to be hurt; if they hurt you & you communicate this, then they act hurt that you'd dare imply they are even capable of hurting someone (see inability to accept criticism, even if that means they will invalidate others' feelings & trample their needs). Other kinds of double standards they flex include holding other people to standards they themselves fail to meet & likely never will. See quote for #5.
I'm sensing some Fe/Fi conflict here. Usually a strong Fe-style response back is all it takes to resolve things. Recall that Te-style sounds very harsh to Fe/Ti ears and vice-versa.
 

Fidelia

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Lol - I wrote a big long response yesterday and then lost it. However, I would agree with umlauu that a lot of this is Ni-based. While I can see why it would look that way from an outsider perspective, some of these issues have to do with the basic perspective or assumptions we are starting from being different. That's not to say that there are no flaky, selfish or unreasonable INFJs out there. However, I think the Ni part of how we process information is a big clue to understanding our behaviour in better context.
 

Mertonchavez

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I can definitely relate to 18 and 20!
 

Thinkist

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14: That's also any other introvert's problem, which they may or may not have overcome.

15: To relate, ISTPs often don't consider feelings into the equation, and could use a few feelers (although this doesn't seem like as much of a problem as INFJ's inferior Se and missing out on detail).

I can definitely relate to 16, but in a different way. Worst case Te sends me into Ti-Ni mode.

17: Inferior Se. Supposedly some ISTPs under stress will need an INFJ hug, an Fe cure :hug:

18: I tend to have the same problems, thanks to the same Ti-Ni loopiness that INFJs have.
 

Ribonuke

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Oh man...I'd been doubting whether I've been truly INFJ for a while, but almost all of this seems to hit the nail right on the head for me. (You'll have to forgive my lack of eloquence in this post; I'm still kinda 'waking up', y'see. ^^;; )

1)Delayed processing time - INFJs often seem to be basing their responses to the person in question on the last interaction they had with them, more often than the current one. They prefer to have time to think things over, which is why it's not a great idea to try to push an INFJ into making a decision before they feel they have had enough time to mull everything that has been brought up.

Hmm...this doesn't seem to ring as distinctly to me, but I do know of some instances where I'll be like "Oh man, I should've said that!" after an argument.

2) Need for resolution - What may look to some like being nitpicky or unforgiving or even holding onto the past often has more to do with their need to get everything put away in it's proper place before closing the chapter on it. Without doing so, it keeps coming up again and again.

Oh my god, this. I often find myself dwelling on past wrongs in my childhood, such as being constantly put in the time-out chair, or the harrows of being put through occupational therapy, or etc. I'll often bring it up with discussion with my parents, and they'll become irritated with me because they think I'm trying to dredge up their guilt or something. ._. Which I'm not; I'm just trying to get it in a comfortable place in my head, and every time they react negatively to my desire to discuss it, it only makes things worse.

3) Considering every hobby, person or idea expressed as an extension of themselves - INFJs tend to be very self-protective, and rarely bring something up unless they have already implemented it into their main framework of thought or affection. Therefore when any of these things are dismissed or mocked, they will feel it as a personal rejection, unlike someone who tends to verbalize new ideas out loud. Similarly, INFJs will sometimes be confused by someone who seemed committed to a thought or a plan, only to abandon it later.

I've realized lately I feel better if I don't tell people about my plans or ideas; mainly because I'm afraid it's gonna be used against me if it turns out to not be the case. For example, last night I was walking outside and I heard all the leaves outside crinkling and popping. I thought...maybe they were toads hopping around? So I decided to go inside and grab a flashlight to see if that was a case. My mom asked me what I was doing, and I didn't want to tell her that I was "going to see if there were toads", because I didn't want to have to deal with explaining to her that they weren't toads if I found out otherwise. Instead, I kinda brushed her off; then when I came back, I told her what I had seen and what I had been doing AFTER the fact.

Also, I tend to grow attached to movies and characters on a visceral level; it's kind of a matter of just seeing them in action, and then all of a sudden the character becomes incorporated into my mental archetype. It's not a matter of "Ooh, I like this character because they're strong and because they looked awesome when they beat up the villain!", but rather on a more "I keep thinking about this character...I wonder why?" kinda level. If someone bashes that movie (or the character), I will often become VERY argumentative. Like, for instance, someone was about to talk about the alternate ending of Sucker Punch, and they were implicating that the character of Babydoll (whom I strongly relate to and have unintentionally come to use as an avatar) was much weaker than in the theatrical release. Instead of having a calm debate with them about it (perhaps because I was already in a foul mood), I instead kept yelling as loudly as was socially appropriate "We are NOT talking about this! We are NOT talking about this!" until they took a hint and shut up about it.

4) Dislike of emotional surprises - this leads INFJs to sometimes inconvenience others in their effort to know what to expect. I'm fine with a change of plans, but find it harder to quickly adjust to someone's sudden annoyance, to a change in something I had really been hoping for/counting on etc. Makes me more likely to try to be the one to take on any inconvenience because that is more predictable. I also tend to need to watch a situation for awhile (either social or skillwise) before I am comfortable jumping in. I think with maturity we can become less focussed on their own reactions and feelings and also realize that someone else being upset is not the very worst that can happen. Sometimes avoiding that happening actually creates more conflict.

Yeah, I *hate* it when I don't realize I've stepped on someone's toes. It led me to consciously avoid stepping on people's toes as much as possible, to the point where I ended up becoming NEUROTIC about it. However...nowadays I realized it just isn't worth it, and that my sanity is worth more than avoiding a few toe-stompings. (Hence if I feel REALLY strongly about something, I will be more honest and demanding about it, rather than going about it in a way that puts me perpetually at the other person's mercy.)

5) Hold those close to them to a higher degree of accountability than those that are less important to them - This may seem judgemental and unfair, but because those close to them are an extension of their own self, integrity is paramount to them and they choose to invest heavily in a few close relationships, they expect more of those people than they do of casual acquaintance friends. When they feel you are worth risking conflict with and you start hearing the negatives about yourself as well as the positives, you're in!

I dunno about this one...all I can say is that I get worried if I don't hear my closest people lodge the occasional complaint about me. At the same time, I know they're gonna think I'm a complete weirdo if I ask them "Is there anything you'd like for me to change about my behavior?" ._. But yeah...

6) Easily embarrassed and quite private - May mean that they take awhile before talking about something that is painful to them. This doesn't mean they don't care about the support you could give them. It's just that they need to get it thought out in a framework and untangled before they are ready to be more open. I tend to talk about it more after I think I'm going to be alright.

Eh...this might not be the case for me. Sometimes I'll wait to talk about something if I'm concerned about being judged for it, because people will often want to project their own advice onto me (even when I'm not asking for their own advice, but rather for their APPROVAL on my desired course of action, even if I haven't outright indicated that's what I've been looking for).

7) Long gaps in correspondance or putting off a job that matters a lot - This seems to be linked to wanting to do an excellent job of it and feeling overwhelmed by the amount of time or effort or organization required. The longer it is put off, the worse we feel. As a result, it is usually my most valued friends that I correspond with least. Usually I try to overcome this by phoning them, catching up on the bulk of it, and then writing the rest.

HOLY CRAP THIS IS ME. I'll tend to procrastinate if I don't feel perfectly "up for the task". This can be problematic when it comes to getting school assignments done...or doing favors for other people. Someone asked me to do a drawing for them as a favor over a week ago, and despite the minimal effort I could get away with putting into it, I still find myself going "Eh...it'll look half-a$$ed if I try to do it right now." and then putting it off and just making myself feel guilty whenever that person nags me to do it. ._.

8) Not creating clear enough boundaries for people around them - there's a tendancy to respond to those who are most actively demanding attention, especially when younger. Also the need to be sure that they've looked at everything from all angles, made a correct assessment of all possible motivations and exhausted what they can do to impact the situation before really drawing a hard and fast line. I think this improves with age.

Yeah...I actually have had some significant conflict with a fellow INFJ over this. His behavior makes me feel that I'm being depended upon to keep him sane...but his conversations are so one-sided that I find myself DRAINED by them. I'd tried to be understanding, up to a point where he said something that sounded borderline possessive, at which point I suddenly snapped and almost shut him completely out of my life. We still talk...but I make sure to keep it blatantly clear that he can't depend on me as his sole source of support, and that I can't "solve his problems for him".

9) Find it difficult to assess when is the time to make a Big Deal out of something - Their reaction to something really depends on the other person's response. They may find it easy to forgive something or deal with it on their own if the person recognizes that they are making a concession. If the person trivializes or continues on with more of the same behaviour, it's the last straw (in a very big load of straws!) and the other examples of where they have seen the same behaviour will be brought up.

See #8

10) Hate being not in control of their emotions, yet sometimes underestimate how strong those emotions are till they are swamped by them. - (Note, not a good time for Ts to talk about how over-sensitive and emotional they are, as they despise being that way and are already terribly embarrassed).

Every time I go to a party, I always FREAK OUT simply because I'm worried about freaking out in the first place. xD; Vicious cycles are vicious.

11) Get less receptive to advice if the other person tries to skip over the venting that they need to do in order to bleed off excess emotion or when they feel the person hasn't taken enough time to understand the situation. Often their solutions are gained primarily from discussion with someone, not from getting the answers from someone.

Yeah, if I feel like a person is trying to "get my venting over with" and skip right to offering their advice, I'll start to hold a grudge against them... And yeah, I feel like my best solutions/ideas come from hearing myself consciously express my ideas rather than from the input of others.

12) Sometimes have a hard time recognizing when they need to pull back or give less so that they can continue doing so cheerfully. This seems to be the case especially with Ts.

Yeah. I can't seem to tell when I've put enough effort into something, often at the cost of my own mental sanity... ._.

13) Tendancy to be poor with paperwork, locating items quickly under pressure - I've largely solved this by having a big lanyard for my keys, carrying a decent sized purse and having a file folder that things go into immediately.

Yes. Me too. I like filling out certain kinds of forms because the process of informational analysis is kinda fun, but I hate having to try and figure out the organizational parameters...

14) Am a responder more than an initiator - as a result I've missed out on many good friendships. I've learned that people respond much more warmly when you go out on a limb and make the first move. I've been working to actively improve this.

Yeah, I've had to learn this as well. It's like...I've learned it's better to make an overture to a friendship and risk them thinking you're too intense, rather than have them not notice you at all. Who knows? They might be waiting for you to make the first move!

15) Not good at paying attention to detail (in my environment, and in instructions) - This is why I try to stock a lot of sensors in my life. They are happy to fill in my gaps and give me reminders when needed. They also tend to think in terms of smaller practical details that must be attented to.

I wish I were more attentive to my personal hygiene...I'm not a disgusting freak, but I often tend to come off as a bit frumpy, being lazy and just throwing on a hoodie and glasses, but I'll sometimes decide to go all-out and dress in my 'residual self-image' of wearing a black tanktop and cargo pants, and popping my contacts in.

16) My intimidation by Te, and some oversensitivity leads me to sometimes not express my opinions when I should - working on this one. Thinking it out ahead of time helps.

Uh...huh?? *shot*

17) Over-indulgent when under stress - eat bad food and buy make-up/magazines that I don't need - Am working to replace these responses with exercise, drinking water etc.

Eh...I probably could eat more healthily than I do.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I can identify with some of this Ni+Ti behavior. It's helpful. Although the motivations and thoughts behind it are very different from my POV, it often expresses itself the same.
 
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