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Thread: i need advice

  1. #11
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    ^ I agree too. I definantly feel your pain. If you think it's just going to make you depressed and uncomfortable, I don't recommend it. I'm also the only introvert in my group of friends so I understand how stressful it tends to get.

    Don't go. And if you do decide to go, look for an excuse to leave early.

  2. #12
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_Orbit View Post
    So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)
    Well, I'll share a bit of my own experience on this. I'm an extreme introvert, and I know if I stay in my comfort zone all the time I'll end up with less and less contact with people and in the end I won't have any friends. I'm perfectly fine with going for months without seeing my friends except for the occasional talk on the phone. However, if I do this, the next time I hang out with them I'll most likely feel like the group has 'moved on' and I'm cut out from it. I know they will welcome me, but there will be a lot of things that happened during the months I was absent and I won't feel like I share the same 'history' with them anymore. In the end I'll be feeling more like an outsider and will feel even less comfortable hanging out with them.

    So, when there are group gatherings, I force myself to go, even if I don't want to. I usually dread going so much and feel very nervous before going, but most of the time I feel good about it later.

    The thing about going out of your comfort zone is that I've always felt like I'm limiting myself by doing things that are easy for me. I see it like exercise. It might be hard at first to run three miles without sweating yourself out like crazy and being totally exhausted, but if you never do it and build up your strength, you'll never be able to do it. If I keep doing the easy thing for the rest of my life, I feel like I'll never get past my own limitations.

  3. #13
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    ^ There are things that we can push ourselves to do and thus, learn more about others, about ourselves, learn new and more skills, and experience new stimuli. And then there are things that you have tried before and don't want to do again, which is fine. I didn't mean that we should all compromise on our comforts all the time. But in this situation, they are his/her somewhat close friends so I feel that it's a safe environment for him/her to stick his/her neck out.

    For me, I had this esfp friend who had a bunch of friends she didn't even like. And she would insist that I hang out with her and these friends but I'd often refuse to because I know these people and I know I don't have fun with them. I have tried many times and it's not that I actively dislike them but I honestly do not get anything out of them. I do not find them stimulating and I do not 'mesh' with them. They are her friends and what I wanted was to spend time with her because I enjoy her company. So in that situation, I didn't force myself. There was no point. Unless I became a totally different person, it was just not a fun situation for me. I do it every now and then, but I have tried so many times, so why try again expecting something different?

    I agree with 21%'s post. I am super close with my four friends but I wish I had more friends so I wouldn't have to beg one or two of them to do stuff with me that they don't want to or when they are busy.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_Orbit View Post
    So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)
    In the thread Changing Faces, Mask_Manifest wrote, and I quote:

    Quote Originally Posted by Mask Manifest View Post
    I wonder if other INFPs or Type 4s do this?

    Both online and in real life, I tend to consciously alter my perspective and response toward others depending on the environment. I think it stems from constantly being told by society that my personality is flawed. It's not as acceptable for a man, particularly a heterosexual, to be introspective, self-aware, emotionally in-tune with himself and others, affectionate, considerate of other people to the point of being reserved, imaginative, wary of making rash decisions, etc... These gender-biased attitudes are reinforced by the mainstream of men and women both. Adaptation is a necessity to the point of neglecting your own personality, and then you are chastised for being "fake" and insincere...
    ...
    ...
    The bolded part is a comfort zone, being violated every time we leave the house because we need to act more like how "men" is "supposed" to "act" like.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Well, I'll share a bit of my own experience on this. I'm an extreme introvert, and I know if I stay in my comfort zone all the time I'll end up with less and less contact with people and in the end I won't have any friends. I'm perfectly fine with going for months without seeing my friends except for the occasional talk on the phone. However, if I do this, the next time I hang out with them I'll most likely feel like the group has 'moved on' and I'm cut out from it. I know they will welcome me, but there will be a lot of things that happened during the months I was absent and I won't feel like I share the same 'history' with them anymore. In the end I'll be feeling more like an outsider and will feel even less comfortable hanging out with them.

    So, when there are group gatherings, I force myself to go, even if I don't want to. I usually dread going so much and feel very nervous before going, but most of the time I feel good about it later.

    The thing about going out of your comfort zone is that I've always felt like I'm limiting myself by doing things that are easy for me. I see it like exercise. It might be hard at first to run three miles without sweating yourself out like crazy and being totally exhausted, but if you never do it and build up your strength, you'll never be able to do it. If I keep doing the easy thing for the rest of my life, I feel like I'll never get past my own limitations.
    I can really relate to this.


    I too have to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes to avoid being a recluse. Friendships are something you have to maintain, otherwise they gradually fade away. Besides, several of my fondest memories come from situations which were initially outside my comfort zone.

    If you're an introvert with reclusive tendencies, i think it's important for yourself to be honest and self-aware enough to recognize whether
    1. You really don't want to do something
    2. You're convincing yourself you don't want to do something because it's difficult and you're taking the easy way out


    Of course, i can only speak for myself, but many of the times i've felt like soft is describing, it was B and i regretted not going afterwards.


    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    *quote*

    The bolded part is a comfort zone, being violated every time we leave the house because we need to act more like how "men" is "supposed" to "act" like.
    Really? I've found that most of these qualities actually get appreciated, except for being reserved, which can be interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. Save a few extremely coarse and shallow (aspiring to be-) alpha males, people don't frown on a straight man being self-aware, introspective, imaginative and considerate at all. Most of the qualities listed in that quote are actually major reasons why my friends like me in the first place, and my friends are definitely not all touchy feely NFs.
    ik sprokkel wat dagen, drop baggage,
    soms heb ik geen zin om die koffers te dragen,
    ik laat los, los het op, word onzichtbaar
    en geef de buitenlucht wat ruimte terug
    dus.. nu zit ik op m'n fiets alsof het niets is,
    maar niets kan toch niet uit zichzelf pedalen laten draaien?

    ~ Typhoon

  6. #16
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    thanks a lot everyone. two of my friends called me last night and asked if something was wrong (the girl who's driving me and her boyfriend). i told them everything was fine but they insisted.. i told them i would talk to them later in person but i had mostly worked it out on my own. the girl who owns the cabin also had a one to one conversation with me where she said "you know we really want you to be there, right?"
    i could tell they all sincerely cared.. i'm actually feeling crappy now for doubting that they ever did.

    i guess my friends sensed that i was feeling down lately. what i've realized is that when i start getting depressed i tend to withdraw. i crave social interaction, but i feel like i am burdening people with my negative vibes so i withdraw even more.
    i'm glad to have such good friends to help me out of this. i really don't appreciate them enough.

    i decided i'm going for sure. i know i'll have a great time. it also helps that my partner in crime is now coming (helps me open up if i'm having a hard tme) and there will be lots and lots of alcohol. oh yea.

    again, thanks to everyone on here, you all helped a lot

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cephalonimbus View Post
    Really? I've found that most of these qualities actually get appreciated, except for being reserved, which can be interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. Save a few extremely coarse and shallow (aspiring to be-) alpha males, people don't frown on a straight man being self-aware, introspective, imaginative and considerate at all. Most of the qualities listed in that quote are actually major reasons why my friends like me in the first place, and my friends are definitely not all touchy feely NFs.
    Apoligies, I should have referred to it as my comfort zone.

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