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  1. #1
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    Default ENFJ Not Afraid of Conflict?

    I am an ENFJ with some ENFP tendencies, and from what I've read it seems that this type tries to avoid conflict at all cost. However, I tend to confront my problems, not brush them aside and give in to what others want. Does anyone have any idea what might have caused this? I am pretty certain that I'm an ENFx (leaning toward J).

    I have noticed that I do tend to over-analyze things before I say them. I worry about how it will make other people feel and if I will end up upsetting someone or in a conflict/debate in which I won't be able to defend myself. (My ISTP brother scoffs at this attitude and tells me to just "say it, who cares what they think?" Haha.) However, this is mainly true with strangers and casual acquaintances. When I have become close enough to someone, I am very straightforward with my thoughts, feelings and perspectives and feel that I should never bottle things up. Sometimes I over-react/assume the worst over even the most trivial things (this usually results in breaking down, crying and becoming extremely upset)...and when I get into a conflict, it can oftentimes last for hours because I am very firm in what I believe and refuse to give in. It's like I KNOW this is right, and I want this other person (who is close to me) to get it, too. I'll stop at nothing, even if it means stomping all over their feelings...which I definitely do NOT enjoy and sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it. I try so hard to be calm, rational and open-minded to their opinions, but to no avail. I find it exceedingly difficult to do, even when I'm making a conscious effort.

    Is this a common trait in ENF's? The need for confrontation, I mean. By ENF's "avoiding conflict," are we usually referring to strangers, or does that include the people who are important to us? Also, how I can work on this? What trait needs to be developed/matured so that I won't continue to come off as pushy/controlling and a complete drama queen? Just curious as to what other ENF's think and if they have had similar experiences.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    I tend to try and be as tactful as possible when I have to confront my loved ones (and people I work with). I sometimes get accused of being passive aggressive...which always leaves me feeling really misunderstood. Its not my style to be mean and blunt about things that bother me....not until I get pushed and pushed or if someone talks to me rudley...then I get more bold, I can sometimes even explode.

    Im way more bold in the beginning of confrontation if strangers try to harm my loved ones, Im all about loyalty so I will always have their backs. Im the chick who gets into the middle of fights and breaks them up. I have a big mouth when it comes to defending people I care about.

    I guess we can make quite a scene at times...
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    All I know is that the INFP is one of the masters of avoiding conflict. We're freakin Ninja's. AND we're also one of the experts on getting into problems! But who knows, perhaps all the NF types are good at it. Which is why most NF types tend to express themselves through certain mediums like writing -> vocalists and standup comedians. Because it's like a one way complaint to the entire world.

    Wish I could give you a concrete answer but I'm unfamiliar with the ENFJ.

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    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    When it comes to conflict, ENFJs aren't very NFish.

    Not necessarily a bad thing though.

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    That actually makes a lot of sense, Sparrow. I do try to be tactful at first, but I suppose some people have learned that they can walk all over me? Sometimes they misunderstand my intentions and blow up in my face for them, and that's when I lose control of my emotions and make a huge scene. Once I'm at the point of exploding, there's really no turning back -- this conflict is going to be long, drawn-out, and brutal. There are many people who simply cannot handle that about me.

    I would certainly defend someone I cared about against others, though that has never really been a big issue for me because I rarely have to. But the main thing is that I will fight to the death to defend my opinions, and I'm not really sure why. It doesn't seem like an "ENF" thing to do, considering our main focus is supposed to be on helping others and making them feel special/loved. I would definitely consider myself a people person who cares about others...and I tend to blame myself and feel extremely guilty when things go wrong. But I also have a strong need to defend my opinions when I feel that I am right, even when it will result in drastic conflict.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    When it comes to conflict, ENFJs aren't very NFish.
    You've sparked my curiosity, haha. Do you think you could elaborate on that a little more?

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    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    ENFJ's care about other people a lot...so that’s where the tact (or even tip toeing or passive aggressivness) comes from, but we can also be pretty rowdy when we feel the need to protect someone (or ourselves). We are pretty vocal when it comes to defending what we think is right. ENFJ's can be freakin nuts.

    Oh gosh, it just depends on the situation I guess. Okay I’m rambling now but whatever. So with my boyfriend, I sometimes shut down and really try to avoid conflict, because I think I know how he is going to react. It would be pointless to bring anything up. Like I said it just depends on the situation or maybe even which personality type you are dealing with, ENFJ's can be non-confrontational and confrontational.

    Or am I just crazy, ENFJ's do you feel me?
    Last edited by Sparrow; 07-16-2010 at 03:57 AM.
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    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spastic_Blondie View Post
    You've sparked my curiosity, haha. Do you think you could elaborate on that a little more?
    Well usually NF Idealists are associated with wanting harmony, emotionally sensitive, diplomatic..... but when shit pops off, ENFJs can drop all of that. Their ExxJ traits make them more assertive, out of the NFs.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Well usually NF Idealists are associated with wanting harmony, emotionally sensitive, diplomatic..... but when shit pops off, ENFJs can drop all of that. Their ExxJ traits make them more assertive, out of the NFs.
    Yeah, I guess that makes a lot of sense. Although it leads me to another question, which is a bit off topic but sort of popped into my head. If this is the case, how is it that an ENFJ and an INFP can be compatible? If the NFP's are trying to avoid conflict at all cost, then wouldn't my ExxJ (which creates a need for assertiveness and confrontation) eventually drive them away?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Well usually NF Idealists are associated with wanting harmony, emotionally sensitive, diplomatic..... but when shit pops off, ENFJs can drop all of that. Their ExxJ traits make them more assertive, out of the NFs.
    Exactly, it's about the Je Function. Dom Je possesses natural strength in confrontations/assertiveness while Inferior Je possesses natural confrontational weakness. Hence, "ninja" INFP.

    In addition, the definition of conflict is relative. You can be confrontational and judge violence as evil. "Pacifists are stubborn as well."

    Quote Originally Posted by Spastic_Blondie View Post
    Yeah, I guess that makes a lot of sense. Although it leads me to another question, which is a bit off topic but sort of popped into my head. If this is the case, how is it that an ENFJ and an INFP can be compatible? If the NFP's are trying to avoid conflict at all cost, then wouldn't my ExxJ (which creates a need for assertiveness and confrontation) eventually drive them away?
    They develop each other. Je will have natural low Ji, likewise Ji will have natural low Je. It's not healthy to be too assertive, likewise too avoiding. Though there's probably more to it than that...

    Aside from that, I agree with similarity being generally most compatible. We like people who are like us.

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