[ENFJ] ENFJ Not Afraid of Conflict?

[Blossom500]

I could do that but am too nice - even when I have lost it I have to try to control the intensity for fear of being swallowed up by my own fire of burning fury and tragic sense of unlovableness... This is perhaps my greatest fear and why I try to avoid conflict. Besides if it that serious an offence against me for me to actually challenge in the first place, my crying and screaming aint going to help the situation. If it is really really serious though I become iced-Te Queen. I also be much more confrontational as an advocate for others All care and no responsibility! I wonder, why is that?

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

Ha, well thanks for your patience, everyone. I'm pretty new to all of this. It's always kind of interesting when getting the answer to the question leaves you more confused than you were before you asked it.

Everything that I have read describes sensing versus intuition as "think in the now" or "think in the future." I'm definitely a future thinker. I imagine big plans but have a hard time dealing with the drudgery of everyday tasks. And everything I have read says that judging versus perceiving is the difference between generally deciding "based on rules" or "based on looking at the current situation." In that case, I tend to be more of a judger. Many people see me as opinionated and unchangeable. I make decisions right away and very rarely do my ideas change. I'll admit that, while I do admire and would like to better understand perceivers, I often tend to be critical of many individuals because I often feel as though they have no direction in their lives. This definitely isn't necessarily the case, but I've noticed that it is often the way I interpret it...even if I'm way off base on that interpretation. [EDIT: Now that I think of it, this rigidity could be based on my core inner values...a trait displayed by ENFP's. But even ENFP's avoid conflict, right?]

I can relate to Blossom 500 in that "fire of burning fury and tragic sense of unlovableness," but I don't hold it back. Containing it is even worse (not to mention harder) for me than the dreadful and horrifying feeling of being in a conflict. As much as I hate conflict (for that reason I guess, now that I think of it, you could say I AM afraid of it), it is almost impossible for me to avoid it when my emotions start flipping out...which happens quite often. Okay, nothing is impossible (and I'm better off not making excuses or else I will never improve, haha), but I would definitely say that of life's challenges, staying out of conflict is one of the most challenging. I feel like I'm racing into a dark forest filled with wild beasts where there is no way out, only a misleading sign that leads me even further in. Once I'm in an argument, I try very hard to get out and usually make matters even WORSE. Things get pretty intense.

I wouldn't consider that charismatic, which is why I question if I'm really an ENFJ. My emotions take control of me and I lose all charisma.

Maybe I'm an S or a T...I have no idea. But they just don't seem to fit me. And I've read up on all sixteen personality types and have concluded that I best fit with ENFJ or possibly ENFP. The tests also say so. But maybe I've just got a LOT of ST traits as well.

Ahh...confusion. Can't there be another type called ESNFTJP? LOL.

 

[Fidelia]

My mum is an ENFJ and while I would definitely say that she doesn't go looking for conflict, she is much more likely to be direct and speak her mind than I do. She is more likely to feel bad later for saying more than she should (not necessarily being harsher though) in the heat of the moment. I generally feel bad for not having said as much as I should have. I think the conflict tends to be more with people she is close to, or when there is an issue of justice or fairness. Any of the conflicts she has had with my brother have been over the welfare of the kids, not personal stuff. With my dad, it has usually been the same - stuff where she thought it would really matter in the end, not just conflict for the sake of it. There's that saying about not crying over spilled milk - she would be likely to at least discuss how the spill could have been avoided and how we will be preventing spills in the future for sure.

 

[Sparrow]

Maybe you need to find a quality test to take?

Anyone have any recommendations of good MBTI test sites for Blondie to check out?

Try this one

Free Jung Personality Test

 

[Fidelia]

Protean is pleasant, but also not afraid of conflict. She is direct when she feels the situation calls for it.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

Maybe you need to find a quality test to take?

Anyone have any recommendations of good MBTI test sites for Blondie to check out?

Try this one

Free Jung Personality Test

I made sure to answer everything as accurately as possible. It still insists I'm an ENFJ.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

My mum is an ENFJ and while I would definitely say that she doesn't go looking for conflict, she is much more likely to be direct and speak her mind than I do. She is more likely to feel bad later for saying more than she should (not necessarily being harsher though) in the heat of the moment. I generally feel bad for not having said as much as I should have. I think the conflict tends to be more with people she is close to, or when there is an issue of justice or fairness. Any of the conflicts she has had with my brother have been over the welfare of the kids, not personal stuff. With my dad, it has usually been the same - stuff where she thought it would really matter in the end, not just conflict for the sake of it. There's that saying about not crying over spilled milk - she would be likely to at least discuss how the spill could have been avoided and how we will be preventing spills in the future for sure.

I do a lot of spilling. I desperately want to stop and have been working on it as best as I can.

 

[Fidelia]

One trend I've noticed is that Js tend to be more about prevention, whereas Ps prefer to deal with problems as they come. The modbox is very interesting in this respect!

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

One trend I've noticed is that Js tend to be more about prevention, whereas Ps prefer to deal with problems as they come. The modbox is very interesting in this respect!

Hmm...maybe I am a P, then! I mean, I have a strict set of standards that I follow, but when it comes to problems...I don't tend to prevent them very well! I just deal with my mistakes as they come, mainly because I know I'm not going to stop making them...and what am I supposed to do about THAT?

Mainly I'm a huge basket case. Solving and preventing problems is NOT my forte.

Argghh...I still have no idea what my type is! :steam: I AM READY TO START SOME SERIOUS CONFLICT OVER THIS.

Lol. Kidding!

 

[Thalassa]

Hmm...maybe I am a P, then! I mean, I have a strict set of standards that I follow, but when it comes to problems...I don't tend to prevent them very well! I just deal with my mistakes as they come, mainly because I know I'm not going to stop making them...and what am I supposed to do about THAT?

Mainly I'm a huge basket case. Solving and preventing problems is NOT my forte.

Argghh...I still have no idea what my type is! :steam: I AM READY TO START SOME SERIOUS CONFLICT OVER THIS.

Lol. Kidding!

I really, really think you're an ENFP because your confessed tendency to flip out when your emotions start coming sounds like Fi, not Fe. Not wanting to hold back your own feelings without consideration of what it might cause or how it might affect others does not sound like Fe dom to me. I also have had a hard time staying out of conflict, especially when I was younger, and I like to argue with people on Internet forums.

I could be ENFJ, but I doubt it.

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

I really, really think you're an ENFP because your confessed tendency to flip out when your emotions start coming sounds like Fi, not Fe. Not wanting to hold back your own feelings without consideration of what it might cause or how it might affect others does not sound like Fe dom to me. I also have had a hard time staying out of conflict, especially when I was younger, and I like to argue with people on Internet forums.

I could be ENFJ, but I doubt it.

Okay, I might believe it. I do tend to get bored of things easily and want change in my life. However, I am very committed to my obligations...so maybe that's just one of those personal values that you always hear them talk about in reference to ENFP's? I guess it causes me in many ways to be very close-minded. I've never been a risk-taker and many people think of me as one of the most extreme goody two shoes.

...Hmm. The more I read into it, the more I sound like an ENFP. Warm around people, bored with monotony but still dedicated to personal values. Makes sense, actually. Before I just go changing my type, though (haha), do any of you other ENFP's also feel that you have trouble avoiding conflict?

 

[Spastic_Blondie]

Alright, alright, I'm changing my type to ENFx. xD



I have read that ENFP's are very fleeting and move on quickly. Is this true? Because, while I crave and enjoy change, I am also afraid of it. And I don't move on quickly. I am very serious about sticking to my obligations, and it takes me a LONG time to get over things.

Yet I am not charismatic. I consider myself to be warm and fun-loving, easy to get along with and to work with, but I don't think I have a whole lot of charisma or am particularly a leader.

 

[William K]

One trend I've noticed is that Js tend to be more about prevention, whereas Ps prefer to deal with problems as they come. The modbox is very interesting in this respect!

Yeah, proactive vs reactive

 

[Thalassa]

Alright, alright, I'm changing my type to ENFx. xD



I have read that ENFP's are very fleeting and move on quickly. Is this true? Because, while I crave and enjoy change, I am also afraid of it. And I don't move on quickly. I am very serious about sticking to my obligations, and it takes me a LONG time to get over things.

You sound A LOT like me. I think the fear of change can come from Si. It also takes me a VERY long time to get over relationships, especially.

Yet I am not charismatic. I consider myself to be warm and fun-loving, easy to get along with and to work with, but I don't think I have a whole lot of charisma or am particularly a leader.

I am not saying I am totally sure you are ENFP, because my own type has come into question, but it seems almost that you're describing...Si, not Ni.

I relate to a lot of things you've said, though.

Whatever that means~!

 

[skylights]

i have an enfj friend who is a master of both confrontation and non-confrontation

she does not at all mind acting a bit haughty or cold, giving an icy glare, or speaking frankly if she feels like it's called for

but the more i get to know her, the more i see that she is deceptive and really quite non-confrontational. she sometimes gets others to do her confronting for her.

silly manipulative NFs

 

[Blossom500]

try this link it goes into a little more depth about preferences etc Fe and Fi etc Cognitive Processes

 

[Blossom500]

I generally feel bad for not having said as much as I should have. There's that saying about not crying over spilled milk - she would be likely to at least discuss how the spill could have been avoided and how we will be preventing spills in the future for sure.

I spill stuff all the time

I made sure to answer everything as accurately as possible. It still insists I'm an ENFJ.

HAve you done one with percentages? I am sure there is an online one that does that. Will look for you if you have not. If you have done one what percentages did you get? That might give a clue.

I do a lot of spilling. I desperately want to stop and have been working on it as best as I can.

Last year I found out I have ADHD and when on my meds I spill so much less and don't break sos many glasses... not that I am implying you have ADHD. It just reminded me that I don't do it as much.

Mainly I'm a huge basket case. Solving and preventing problems is NOT my forte.

Argghh...I still have no idea what my type is! :steam: I AM READY TO START SOME SERIOUS CONFLICT OVER THIS.

Lol. Kidding!

As a result of being so bad at conflict I have now made it my mission. I have just started a Masters in Medication and Conflict Resolution in a hope that I may be able to speak up in a good way before I get over emotional... and sort things out if I do Because I have found also that if that strong emotion does not go out it goes inside instead and that is even more dangerous when it is that bad. If I speak up for myself sooner I 1 don't blow up and 2. don't risk it turning inwards (depression, safe hatred etc.)

I really, really think you're an ENFP because your confessed tendency to flip out when your emotions start coming sounds like Fi, not Fe. Not wanting to hold back your own feelings without consideration of what it might cause or how it might affect others does not sound like Fe dom to me. I also have had a hard time staying out of conflict, especially when I was younger, and I like to argue with people on Internet forums.

I could be ENFJ, but I doubt it.

Yes I agree.

Okay, I might believe it. I do tend to get bored of things easily and want change in my life. However, I am very committed to my obligations...so maybe that's just one of those personal values that you always hear them talk about in reference to ENFP's? I guess it causes me in many ways to be very close-minded. I've never been a risk-taker and many people think of me as one of the most extreme goody two shoes.

...Hmm. The more I read into it, the more I sound like an ENFP. Warm around people, bored with monotony but still dedicated to personal values. Makes sense, actually. Before I just go changing my type, though (haha), do any of you other ENFP's also feel that you have trouble avoiding conflict?

I will meet all my obligations and I usually take on too many at the expense of myself.

You sound A LOT like me. I think the fear of change can come from Si. It also takes me a VERY long time to get over relationships, especially.



I am not saying I am totally sure you are ENFP, because my own type has come into question, but it seems almost that you're describing...Si, not Ni.

I relate to a lot of things you've said, though.

Whatever that means~!

Not sure I like change but I like adventure. I like change though when I am bored or feel trapped in an unjust situation... the stubborn bit.

 

[proteanmix]

Wow, my reactions are so much different from what's being said.

When I'm about to get into conflict (happens way often, lol), I get a little thrill in my stomach and I'm like "Bring it on! Let's do this shit!" and then I pray to God they don't have a gun or a knife. I'm all talk.

I can think of two casual situations that have happened within the last two months where I got into arguments with complete strangers and I was like "is that it? :sad:" Both times involved me being on my cell phone in a public space and people telling me to shut up and me telling them to f*ck off. The first guy threatened to throw his book at me (I'm sitting in an outside patio at a coffee shop) and I told him if throws his book at me I'm taking a chair to his head. Actually that ended pretty well and we had a nice conversation after that died down.

The next person called me the Devil several times while I was in B&N. B&N is not a library and I was in a corner practically whispering with my inside voice. She then threatened to call security on me and I told her to do what she felt like she had to do. Security told her talking on a cell phone wasn't illegal or something they threw people out for. While I do understand it was probably annoying, I also realize when I'm out it public there's not much I can do if someone does something I don't like unless they put their hands on me, my property, or are yelling at me in my face.

I won't even go into how many times I've been called insubordinate and unwilling to take direction and instruction at work. Nevermind that people think that I'm the Wicked Witch of Typology Central, with one member insinuating that I'm a Chicago politician.

So yeah, I don't know what all this is about. I'm quite scrappy. Conflict avoidant is not me by a long shot!

 

[Charmed Justice]

One trend I've noticed is that Js tend to be more about prevention, whereas Ps prefer to deal with problems as they come. The modbox is very interesting in this respect!

Yes, this is one of the best ways to distiguish the two.




To the OP, I know a more than a few ESFJs who will gladly start conflict. Actually, it's the Fe types I know who can be the most open to confrontation. I have two close friends, both Fe-doms(the guy is an ESFJ, the gal is an ENFJ), who have dated off and on for the past 10-years and have an elementary school aged son. We had to stop going out with them for awhile because they'd get into public fighting matches when we all went out as a group. They would argue, yell and carry on, no matter where we were. One time they got into a screaming match on a kayak! They've called it quits, but they reached out to each of us in our group before they did. They wanted advice, they wanted us to know how they felt, they each gave their side of the conflict, etc.

My grandmother is a stereotypical ESFJ, but she's also quite confrontational when she wants to be. She's also right in the middle of the drama in our family, and more often than not, she's had a hand in starting it. She easily builds and divides loyalties, and will "go off" on you. It's not beyond her.

I'm naturally accommodating, but I'm also very assertive and direct and will get into conflict to defend other people or myself. I like to have issues resolved when they come up, not later. I also believe that conflict can lead to growth and understanding. Conflict avoiders frequently exacerbate problems by putting issues off until later and sweeping them under the rug, delaying the inevitable. It's surely not always neccessary, helpful, nor appropriate to express your displeasure, and I most typically keep things to myself until I've worked out a peaceful solution in my mind, but I'm not perfect. I've never been in a physical fight, but I have seriously told some people off, something Fe would seem much better at than Te(??). Fe can embarass you, put you in your place, disconnect from you and turn others against you because of its focus on people and social dynamics. The one time I was ever suspended from school was when a friend of mine was being nasty to another one and I encouraged a group to send the offender a letter, telling her off. Granted, I was about 12 or so and my actions were immature, but you get the point.

 

[Halla74]

I know two ENFJs IRL, one male, one female.

Neither is avoidant of conflict.

Both are sensitive, and like for there to be harmony, but neither shy away from a good showdown if needed.