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  1. #31
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    becuase I felt like I was banging my head against the wall getting him to open up or even just spend time together doing nothing
    This above is exactly what drove me nuts with 2 INFP's I know. I want to be open with them because FINALLY someone who is deep and non-judgmental but it will be exposing vulnerability to someone who won't reciprocate. The one time I did, BAD decision. I got this one-sided feeling and wait patiently for INFP to open as well. Never happened more than one single incident so that ends that game.

    Also why is it so hurtful to be called cold?
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  2. #32
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    This above is exactly what drove me nuts with 2 INFP's I know. I want to be open with them because FINALLY someone who is deep and non-judgmental but it will be exposing vulnerability to someone who won't reciprocate. The one time I did, BAD decision. I got this one-sided feeling and wait patiently for INFP to open as well. Never happened more than one single incident so that ends that game.
    That sucks. Funny how one bad incident can change how we naturally wish to do things. (I'm the same way, though, so please consider that simply an observation and nothing more.)

    Did you show an interest in having the INFP open up, though? If someone opens up to me, I can sometimes be slow to reciprocate. I feel like I'm hijacking their spotlight. A bit of gentle prodding can help make it a two-way street.

    Also why is it so hurtful to be called cold?
    Some INFPs take pride in being called cold. Not me, though. For me, if I'm called cold when I really do care, I feel like I failed to communicate properly despite what I thought was my best effort. It creates a lot of "What did I do wrong / how was this my fault?" type questions...

  3. #33
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    I see what you mean about giving your best attempt and it not working? What have you done in that case?

    My weakness as ENFJ is generalizations after I have a bad experience (shadow Ti). But my sister is an INFP and she is phlegmatic but gentle. So I see how she isn't "cold" by her approach and softness, but sorry guys I got to say I do see the INFP breed as somewhat cold from a distance (meaning on the surface appearance) not internally.

    Also I think I have developed a distaste for introverts who hold feelings inside. It is a barrier to friendship that I have decided a hard line on. I feel witheld from and have deliberately chose better friends since moving on from my best friend INFP a little under a year ago. I am much happier!

    It is hard to get to my inner circle, so when you do if you can't be open there is no excuse. Just my experiences though.
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  4. #34
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    I see what you mean about giving your best attempt and it not working? What have you done in that case?
    Mainly, learn from it. Figure out the point where I should have been more expressive, and attempt to not make the mistake again.

    My weakness as ENFJ is generalizations after I have a bad experience (shadow Ti). But my sister is an INFP and she is phlegmatic but gentle. So I see how she isn't "cold" by her approach and softness, but sorry guys I got to say I do see the INFP breed as somewhat cold from a distance (meaning on the surface appearance) not internally.
    We are a strange breed - we almost share the INTP ability to detach with the ENFP need for deep connection. Your "cold from a distance" assessment is probably as valid a generalization as you're going to get!

    Also I think I have developed a distaste for introverts who hold feelings inside. It is a barrier to friendship that I have decided a hard line on. I feel witheld from and have deliberately chose better friends since moving on from my best friend INFP a little under a year ago. I am much happier!

    It is hard to get to my inner circle, so when you do if you can't be open there is no excuse. Just my experiences though.
    And that's fair enough.

    Do you differentiate between someone that simply is slow to gain emotional momentum VS someone who deliberately avoids sharing feelings VS someone who tries but is a bit awkward in the expression of feelings?

  5. #35
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    And that's fair enough.

    Do you differentiate between someone that simply is slow to gain emotional momentum VS someone who deliberately avoids sharing feelings VS someone who tries but is a bit awkward in the expression of feelings?

    I like your thoughts. I think I need to be open in the future about not-prejudging. Darn it for being helpful.

    I like your distinction in the trying vs. deliberate...Yes and that was the sad part with said ex-bff INFP. She is the one from this thread that I started about the situation: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...nal-needs.html

    I think once I was told, "I am private" when she didn't want to share and that made me noooooottt happy. The other time she did break down in front of me and let herself be upset which I knew was very rare.

    The problem was EFFORT on my side and the frequency or initiation of that. What killed it was 3 months of no openness, and not in any other way than she was busy or we were in a group, or had coffee once in a 3 week period. But it was too little too late by the 2nd month I was mentally like, "you are on probation." The fact is I feel exposed and I have come to the terms that I am EJ and like EJ that I expect the bff to initiate their openness and I saw a posting on this thread that IP are not that way. I guess Pygmalion project?

    Sad, because I never thought it meant crap to her that I phased out and she would text like once in a month to me and one of her close friends said losing my friendship was "incredibly hurtful." She never said anything to me....so that sucks cause I was prettttty sad when I finally let it slide.

    Also - my mistakes, boundaries, I initiate everything in our social group, I didn't let things fall naturally without me being the social planner, and I think I just had a hard time not saying NO until it was a month or so more of thinking something.

    Now I am realizing if I don't plan social activities I see how frequently other people can see me (for me and/or as a group). Helps a lot for us!
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
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  6. #36
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    I like your thoughts. I think I need to be open in the future about not-prejudging. Darn it for being helpful.

    I like your distinction in the trying vs. deliberate...Yes and that was the sad part with said ex-bff INFP. She is the one from this thread that I started about the situation: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...nal-needs.html
    That was a pretty interesting thread, and I'm sorry that you lost a close friend. Those always hurt - I'm still not fully recovered from having to cut off an INTJ and INFJ from my life a couple of years ago. Combined they represented over 30 years of friendship.

    Didn't the INFP friend turn out to very possibly be INTP, though?

    I think once I was told, "I am private" when she didn't want to share and that made me noooooottt happy. The other time she did break down in front of me and let herself be upset which I knew was very rare.

    The problem was EFFORT on my side and the frequency or initiation of that. What killed it was 3 months of no openness, and not in any other way than she was busy or we were in a group, or had coffee once in a 3 week period. But it was too little too late by the 2nd month I was mentally like, "you are on probation." The fact is I feel exposed and I have come to the terms that I am EJ and like EJ that I expect the bff to initiate their openness and I saw a posting on this thread that IP are not that way. I guess Pygmalion project?

    Sad, because I never thought it meant crap to her that I phased out and she would text like once in a month to me and one of her close friends said losing my friendship was "incredibly hurtful." She never said anything to me....so that sucks cause I was prettttty sad when I finally let it slide.

    Also - my mistakes, boundaries, I initiate everything in our social group, I didn't let things fall naturally without me being the social planner, and I think I just had a hard time not saying NO until it was a month or so more of thinking something.

    Now I am realizing if I don't plan social activities I see how frequently other people can see me (for me and/or as a group). Helps a lot for us!
    If your friend couldn't give you what you needed to feel appreciated and secure for all the effort you gave her, then it's understandable that you couldn't be her friend. There is no shame in having needs, even when it is sad when people you care for can't fulfill them.

    Here's my take on what happened. INFPs struggle to learn how to be eloquently expressive in almost the same way that ENFJs struggle to gracefully face their inner emotional demons. So if you consider how difficult it is to deal with "the storm within", you will get a grasp of how awkward and even painful it is for some INFPs to learn how to be expressively warm on demand.

    So sometimes, it's not just about lack of effort or desire. For some of us, this demon goes deep.

    The other thing is that INFPs can often become creatures of habit. While I support your strategy of not initiating social events to see who will proactively seek you out, you will get a better result if you let INFPs know ahead of time. Otherwise, and I don't claim this makes sense, we may just as likely obsess about why you aren't arranging weekly meetings anymore than we will call you up and actually ask.

    Finally, it was only two years ago that I finally realized that INFJs do a very poor job of reading what I don't express. (I don't know if ENFJs have better luck.) I always figured I was an open book to my INFJ friends, so it was quite the shock to realize that I not only wasn't, but that they found my inner depths completely unreadable.

    It was only much later I realized that some people need emotions to be expressed for them to be tangible. I can appreciate this viewpoint now, but in the past it was simply something I never considered.

  7. #37
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoSunshine View Post
    I'm still not really following your logic
    its not about logic, its about how he feels. and, almost certainly, he feels like you are basically saying "this is too slow for me" or "I cant/dont/whatever accept your way of doing this" or something else to the general effect of "your way is inadequate for my needs"

  8. #38
    Senior Member Scott N Denver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC View Post
    This above is exactly what drove me nuts with 2 INFP's I know. I want to be open with them because FINALLY someone who is deep and non-judgmental but it will be exposing vulnerability to someone who won't reciprocate. The one time I did, BAD decision. I got this one-sided feeling and wait patiently for INFP to open as well. Never happened more than one single incident so that ends that game.

    Also why is it so hurtful to be called cold?
    I find this funny because I've been int he opposite situation, the INFP was open and the ENFJ wasn't....

  9. #39
    Glycerine
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    Emotional hang ups is probably the main problem. Scott, I will admit I open up to people, then pull back, and shut people out of my life. I have done that to almost every INFP I have gotten to know and most people....

  10. #40
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pitseleh View Post
    Emotional hang ups is probably the main problem. Scott, I will admit I open up to people, then pull back, and shut people out of my life. I have done that to almost every INFP I have gotten to know and most people....
    Thank you for being honest!
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
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