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  1. #1
    Junior Member RobinsonCrusoe's Avatar
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    Default Live my own life...or stay at home and help parents?

    i'm not sure if ENFPs are necessarily known for being responsible, but i'm currently torn between moving away from my home and family to start a job and my own life versus staying in the greater NYC region close to home so that I can help my parents out.

    At 24, I'm all but ready to move out and start my own life. I have plans to go cross country and start my life over in San Diego (which I consider ENFP paradise) and have a good friend out there right now tapping his alumni connections to get me an entry-level job in my field of interest. I'm just really excited to start making a living and becoming my own man.

    However, my parents try to keep me tied down to this area by telling me I'm not ready. whatever that means. but i also know that they are having a hard time financially due to a large portion of their retirement fund disintegrating over the past few months/years. they don't have to tell me, but i know that this means they'll have to postpone retirement at least a few more years.

    now my parents have started this company where they hope I'll come join and help out. they haven't extended any formal invitations or offers, but that's where it's currently headed. and as much as i would like to help them out, on a personal level, i feel that i cannot grow as an adult and individual if i continue to stay at home. i can't stand my ESTJ dad. My ISFJ mom is a little better but she continues to baby the hell out of me. they care for me greatly, and i can't possibly list all the personal sacrifices they've made on my behalf. but i'm having a tough time making a decision.

    on the one hand, i know that they'll be alright. my dad's a fighter. mom can be an emotional wreck sometimes, but she's alright too. and you know what...after working a few years on my own, i would honestly have no problem coming home in my 30's and helping them out then. I just need some personal space right now. I feel so selfish saying this but I don't think I can stand living with or near them at the crossroads I am at right now.

    on the other hand, they are not as young as they used to be. they get sapped quicker than they used to. some of their support staff at work are just completely incompetent, but honest. then there are those who are competent but morally questionable. i look at the shoddy work they do and know that if I worked here, this place would be 1000x more efficient. but the work they do is not something I'd want to do, a lot of administrative, managerial, detail-oriented labor. i just can't fathom how these guys can accept their $2-4K monthly checks and feel they deserve them.

    i feel that there are stages to life that we must all go through. we don't HAVE to, but it makes the transition that much sturdier and the foundation that much stronger if you do. Like how some child celebrities skip their entire childhood and become adults at 14 or 15 due to their fame...they end up longing for the childhood they never had.

    so i fear that unless I get to pass through these confusing mid-to-late twenties on my own, i will never be able to successfully transition into a responsible and mature adult. i don't want to blame my parents for that the rest of my life when i had the choice now.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Pixelholic's Avatar
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    It sounds like your parents want you to put your own life on hold to help them no matter what. Sounds pretty selfish if you ask me.

    I think you need to get out. They'll manage without you.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” -Nietzsche

  3. #3
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    I feel that the parent to child relationship and duties is different from the child to parent relationship. From parent to child, the parent is obligated to take care of and make sacrifices for the child because they made a choice to have a child. Once the child is grown, the parent has less and less obligations to it, financially, etc.

    From child to parent, I understand your situation and how hard it is for both you and your parents. Perhaps they wouldn't ask if they really didn't need it. But at the same time, you shouldn't be expected to give up your life to help them if it really tarnishes your own life possibilities.

    Perhaps you can do it for a few months to a year? And then, leave for S. Diego?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Obviously no one can make up your mind for you.

    It doesn't sound like you want to stay home though.

  5. #5
    Junior Member RobinsonCrusoe's Avatar
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    i've already made up my mind on what to do. i just can't stop myself from thinking about how selfish it makes me. about how bad of a son it would make me.

    my dad is an ESTJ. he values loyalty and family above everything else in the world. to him, it's going to seem like a betrayal. i don't know how to tell him that I have to do this so that I can be in an even BETTER position later to help him out when he truly needs it.

    I also know that these longings for independence will not go away. if I don't leave now at 24, I'm going to want to do it at 28, when my parents are older than they are now.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Who cares about what he values? It's what you value. You might hurt his feelings, or whatever it is you're afraid of. But any pain he feels won't be your fault; if he gets upset over you leaving then he has attached his happiness to something he has no control over.

    Don't tell him "I am leaving so I can be in a position to help you later." if that is BS (and it sounds like bs to me.)

    Just be honest.

    Well thats what I would do anyway. Good luck

  7. #7
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RobinsonCrusoe View Post
    However, my parents try to keep me tied down to this area by telling me I'm not ready.
    At 24, I think perhaps I'd make myself ready.

    That being said, I'd suggest finding out what's bothering them about your plan. There may be real practical concerns and this may not all be driven by them wanting you to help them out.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  8. #8
    Junior Member RobinsonCrusoe's Avatar
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    look, i don't hate my parents. as the eldest child, i had, from a young age, always believed my role was to come to their aid when they needed it, that the responsibility was on me and not my younger siblings. i never shirked those responsibilities.

    but they do have problems of their own. insecurities. as successful as they are, they have plenty of their own issues. my dad struggled a lot growing up so he tries to protect me from the harsh realities of the world as much as he can. which i don't blame. but the way he does it is so stupid.

    he himself became successful and wise BECAUSE he struck out on his own, toiled away for years, failing in various different capacities before finding success. then he turns to his children and effectively tells them, "you will take the safest path possible to success." no, what he's doing is creating the safest path possible to mediocrity. that's what safe is. mediocrity.

    i know we're in dire economic straits right now. and my dad, as an employer who has to reject hundreds of college graduates' applications a day, knows this better than me. so he wants me to stay home, instead of applying for jobs, and eventually come work for him. that he'll train me and get me prepared for what he calls the "dog-eat-dog" world.

    but i obviously can't do this. my decision making capacity right now is so screwed up because i've been taught to second-guess myself. i need to get out so that i can screw up on my own and learn how to fix this myself. it won't get better living here.

    in college, i wanted to major in studio art. i had had no formal art training up till then. my parents were furious. told me to switch to something that would work for law school, so i did. political science. then in my last year, i entered a regional art competition on a whim and won. my professors were impressed by my raw talent. but i graduated with a political science major. and since then they've been pushing me towards law school, something i know on a very deep level i don't want. you shoulda seen em when i even mentioned art as a major. volcanic eruptions have made less noise.

    or forbidding me from playing sports in HS until my junior year because i wasn't very good in elementary school. i turned out to be an excellent athlete. i captured district and regional titles in my senior year in two sports. i could've been doing that since junior, maybe sophomore year if i had started at the beginning of HS.

    these examples show me that I do, in fact, know how to make good decisions for myself. I DO know what's best for me...in areas that I can excel. It's always been a subtle kind of knowledge, where I can just look at something and know, without ever having done it, that I can draw it very well. These were the stuff that got me into a great liberal arts school.

    Had I not pushed for what I wanted, I don't think my grades alone would've been enough to carry me into a great liberal arts college. I don't think any of my poli sci professors were dazzled by any essays I wrote for them, but I'm very sure my art professors were of the artwork I produced. at each turn, I find myself in a position where I know what's good for me, and it's my parents who are behind the curve. and now, I feel the same thing again...that I will somehow be able to make it on my own if I was given the freedom to do so. but nobody believes me. I'm just a kid, and my dad's an uber-successful businessowner. they all think his wealth qualifies him to be a successful parent as well.

    so, sorry for the long rant. i didn't want to paint my parents as evil people, because they're not. they just make life super frustrating for the both of us, when I think that the clear solution, for both of us to be happier, is to just let me be.

  9. #9
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    most good parents want thier children to be independent and self sufficent. long term down the road when parents are no longer around, im sure its a comfort to know their children are going strong on their own and not at the mercy of circumstance. they may disagree with in the now but you know what is best for you and in time they may see that. keep the i loves you`s flowing and communication, avoid conflict in the process of this choice, its going to be tough but you don`t need other problems in the mix of everthing else. as for what dialouge you may have to say, you know them well, much more then anyone in the forum can

  10. #10
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RobinsonCrusoe View Post
    my dad is an ESTJ. he values loyalty and family above everything else in the world. to him, it's going to seem like a betrayal.
    A good dad doesn't ever feel betrayed by his children by them doing what they want to do in order to be happy. If my ISTJ dad did, I'd be really mad at him.

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