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Thread: Live my own life...or stay at home and help parents?

  1. #11
    Cat Wench Array ReadingRainbows's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    6w7 sx/sp
    IEI Ni


    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    A good dad doesn't ever feel betrayed by his children by them doing what they want to do in order to be happy. If my ISTJ dad did, I'd be really mad at him.
    Seconded. Especially since this is a healthy transition.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  2. #12


    You've hid the distress you feel from your parents thus far? Do they know how thoroughly you have thought this transition through? Show them that you have the plans they are so weary of you not having.

  3. #13
    Administrator Array highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    6w5 sx/sp
    ILI Ni


    Quote Originally Posted by ReflecttcelfeR View Post
    You've hid the distress you feel from your parents thus far? Do they know how thoroughly you have thought this transition through? Show them that you have the plans they are so weary of you not having.
    Yeah, I think communicating and getting the feelings out on both sides is probably healthy.

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  4. #14
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    I'm impressed with the way you've thought this out, RC. Most people at your age would only be wanting to get out because they wanted to be elsewhere without considering the implications from several different angles. At this point, your parents aren't very old. It appears to me that you have a teachable attitude and are open to taking other people's advice into account in your decision making. I understand the whole trying to have a discussion with an ESTJ who wants to protect you thing. You're right that it might not work great. Mostly it's because it makes your dad feel panicky if you possibly face difficulties that he can't fix right away. He wants to keep things within his locus of control (I'd guess) not to control you, but so that he can deal witht the problems for you. You are right that some adversity is not a bad thing, as long as you have practicality and a teachable attitude along with it. My vote is that you should explain in very practical terms the pros and cons that you've considered so they can rest assured that you are not going off on a hare-brained scheme. Then try your wings. You are not slamming the door on ever being involved with them in business and I think they will respect your input more after you have gone away and done something.

  5. #15
    Junior Member Array RobinsonCrusoe's Avatar
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    Nov 2009


    thanks for all your replies, but i realize now that i was just seeking your validation all was scary to have to make such a big decision by myself, i thought i'd feel better if other people said it was ok. but now i see that being an adult means making those decisions yourself, without knowing for sure if you're right or not.

    i hate how much i second-guess myself all the time. i need to start making my own decisions without constantly turning to other people for help. otherwise, i'm never going to improve.

  6. #16


    its a good step to becoming you

  7. #17
    Senior Member Array Sparrow's Avatar
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    May 2010


    Do what you want to do and move to San Diego...your only young once, this will be a good opportunity for you! Have a heart to heart with your parents and Im sure they will understand . If you stay you might resent them later...

  8. #18
    Member Array
    Join Date
    Jun 2010


    DEFINITELY stay at home and help parents. Beats pussy any day of the week. The control, the manipulation, the lack of privacy and that smell of decay... hmmm-HMM! can't get enough of it!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by RobinsonCrusoe View Post
    i'm not sure if ENFPs are necessarily known for being responsible, but i'm currently torn between moving away from my home and family to start a job and my own life versus staying in the greater NYC region close to home so that I can help my parents out.

    At 24, I'm all but ready to move out and start my own life. I have plans to go cross country and start my life over in San Diego (which I consider ENFP paradise) and have a good friend out there right now tapping his alumni connections to get me an entry-level job in my field of interest. I'm just really excited to start making a living and becoming my own man.

    However, my parents try to keep me tied down to this area by telling me I'm not ready. whatever that means. but i also know that they are having a hard time financially due to a large portion of their retirement fund disintegrating over the past few months/years. they don't have to tell me, but i know that this means they'll have to postpone retirement at least a few more years.

    now my parents have started this company where they hope I'll come join and help out. they haven't extended any formal invitations or offers, but that's where it's currently headed. and as much as i would like to help them out, on a personal level, i feel that i cannot grow as an adult and individual if i continue to stay at home. i can't stand my ESTJ dad. My ISFJ mom is a little better but she continues to baby the hell out of me. they care for me greatly, and i can't possibly list all the personal sacrifices they've made on my behalf. but i'm having a tough time making a decision.

    on the one hand, i know that they'll be alright. my dad's a fighter. mom can be an emotional wreck sometimes, but she's alright too. and you know what...after working a few years on my own, i would honestly have no problem coming home in my 30's and helping them out then. I just need some personal space right now. I feel so selfish saying this but I don't think I can stand living with or near them at the crossroads I am at right now.

    on the other hand, they are not as young as they used to be. they get sapped quicker than they used to. some of their support staff at work are just completely incompetent, but honest. then there are those who are competent but morally questionable. i look at the shoddy work they do and know that if I worked here, this place would be 1000x more efficient. but the work they do is not something I'd want to do, a lot of administrative, managerial, detail-oriented labor. i just can't fathom how these guys can accept their $2-4K monthly checks and feel they deserve them.

    i feel that there are stages to life that we must all go through. we don't HAVE to, but it makes the transition that much sturdier and the foundation that much stronger if you do. Like how some child celebrities skip their entire childhood and become adults at 14 or 15 due to their fame...they end up longing for the childhood they never had.

    so i fear that unless I get to pass through these confusing mid-to-late twenties on my own, i will never be able to successfully transition into a responsible and mature adult. i don't want to blame my parents for that the rest of my life when i had the choice now.

  9. #19
    にゃん Array runvardh's Avatar
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    Jun 2007
    6w7 sx/so


    Speaking as an eldest son, I believe one way to help out parents when they will really need your help is to get your feet under you now, or soon. Once you're stable in your own right then it becomes easier to be of some help to your parents later. It's always better to head out if the opportunity is realistically there than stagnate while wondering "what if?". Also, as you do better in life and show what you are capable of, your parents will relax - even an ESTJ can't refute physical visible evidence, though your mother may still try to baby you when she gets the chance.

    I know I don't have a reputation for speaking as good of my parents as you have, I'm still rather scathingly critical of mine. I still would like to help them when the time comes though and hopefully both myself and they will be grown up enough by then that we won't kill each other. Just wanted to give some perspective on myself since my motivations don't always come from the best places.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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