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  1. #1
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Default When someone won't leave you alone

    I have a person in my life now who will email me several times a day, and I answer in monosyllables and say I am working, I have work, I'm trying to concentrate on work, I am fine, weekend was fine, every FREAKING THING IS FINE...*steam starting to come out my ears* Then she's like, "Well, if you want to talk, just give me a call ..." (Do I act like I want to talk??) and then she makes a surprise visit to my desk and stands there asking me how I am, how's my day, while her eyes are on the papers on my desk and I can see the wheels turning, her wanting to know what I'm working on that's so important. Sometimes it is work, sometimes it is just that I don't want to talk on that day, to anyone. Sometimes that's because something's bothering me; sometimes it isn't.

    I have realized that the "Well, if you want to talk" means that she wants to talk, so I have figured out that asking her if there's anything she wants to tell me will get that out of the way without my having to invest too much but listen and say whatever's appropriate. But it doesn't take care of the rest of it. I am at the point of making up flash cards that say "Leave. Me. Alone."

    I also realize it's not all about me, and as badly as I need to be left alone, she might need contact, so I do try to compromise. But for the times when I feel like my head is going to explode ... advice please.

    And do the rest of you ever get like this?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Moonstone3's Avatar
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    Yes, all the time. To me, when someone is sending those signals you were talking about-monotone and etc, it is evident they don't want to be bothered. Now, while some people care when they see these, and respect your desires, others do not, and they are focused only on what they need. I have a friend, who for the life of me, keeps calling, and I wonder why this is, since I can hear myself sounding uninterested.
    My best friend is an INFJ, as well, and she has this problem a lot. I can tell when she needs a second to herself, but not many can. She ends up avoiding them, until they disappear.
    I understand that this person you're talking about needs attention, or contact, but you have to ask yourself if she's really getting the full out contact she apparently needs from you. She would be better suited to someone else that is like her more. My sister-in-law is a very needy person, always seeking validation, and constantly asking me if I like her and hanging on me all the time. I can't help but put on my stone face, and eventually told her I'm fine, I'm just not like that. Did it work? No. So, I usually default to stoneface and talk about something that may or may not be bothering me. I blame it on something else. It sounds bad, but I think it's completely inconsiderate to force herself on someone else.
    You also have to ask yourself what does this person want? For some, they are seeking specific gossip, as I have found recently. Make sure you aren't being used for news, or a quest to boost this person's self esteem. That is common, some people feel they have to conquer your approval and break your skin.
    What is normal to one, is incomprehensible to another.

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  3. #3
    The Duchess of Oddity Queen Kat's Avatar
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    I've had that in the past. Then I just got violent and after that they always let me alone. Once there was this girl who always chased me because she wanted to play hide and seek with me (I was 14, she must have been 15) and she never left me alone. Whenever I saw her I know she wated me to play hideand seek with her and I refused every time. After a few months I had enough of it and I threw her off the stairs. I've never seen her again, but I think she's still alive.

    I still have that with strange creeps, but I usually lose those after a few minutes anyway.
    I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower. The TV was obviously on. I used to fly myself and I said, "There's one terrible pilot."
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    One of the good things about not being too open a person. People know better than to nag at me. You just cheap shoot their egos and they go away.

  5. #5
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Well, if the contact is happening at work, it is now a professional rather than personal issue, and she could get herself in a large amount of trouble if she doesn't leave you alone. IF you wanted to push the issue with the office authorities.

    (esp if she is using office e-mail to do it.)

    I'm kind of torn. I don't like hurting people in general, if I can avoid it; and you also don't know what sort of response your shoving her away will cause. I mean, she is obviously stepping way out of line and leaping over your boundaries, so you're within rights to shove her away hard; but if she would be far more messed up and do something stupid to hurt herself, that would probably leave you feeling awful and also is not the outcome you'd naturally want for her anyway even with her acting so offensively... so it definitely is a catch-22.

    You might just have to try to lay it out for her bluntly -- "I don't hate you but I don't particularly like you; I've been trying to politely tell you that I do not want to be interrupted but you do not listen or get the point; please do not talk to me anymore, or I'm going to report this harassment to the boss." Or whatever it is that you do feel in this situation.

    It sounds like she's one of those people who is so needy and so socially clueless that you are going to have to smack her between the eyes to get her attention. And if you're too nice/compassionate about it, she'll just take that as yet another sign you want to participate in this relationship she's got in her head.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    Outstalk her ass. And be the most annoying pest you can be....
    Show her how her game is really done.

  7. #7

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    As much as it hard to say sometimes you need to say "Sorry, I am busy right now". There is really no way than finding the best way of communicating directly what you want. I suppose you could always quit...

  8. #8
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qre:us View Post
    Outstalk her ass. And be the most annoying pest you can be....
    Show her how her game is really done.
    ^ I agree with that one, however, that is not what I normally do.

    Normally, how much of a jerk I am increases linearly. Slope of 2. And it is not exponential, unless I get really angry. Trying to remain linear, it then gets a slope of ten.

    People eventually get the hint when I flat out tell them, " Go away, now, and leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you, or see you right now. Bother someone else. [insert witty insult here]"

    That doesn't seem to be the INFJ way, though.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Pixelholic's Avatar
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    I'm with Jennifer where I almost feel obligated to humor them and let them start up a conversation. Usually if I'm busy I try to just tune them out and respond with "uh huh" and "yeah" every once in a while to feign interest. I'm really bad at just telling people I'm busy or telling them off because I feel like I need to be social with them.

    Sometimes I lose it a bit and get angry with them, but that is much rarer now than when I was younger.

    I think the outstalking them is a good idea.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” -Nietzsche

  10. #10
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    Tiltyred, you feel like your "head is going to explode" and your response to that is to contemplate strongly-worded (but not very strongly-worded) flash cards?

    I know you're very frustrated, but from her perspective (possibly as someone who doesn't read subtle social signals) perhaps you've given no unclear signals that say "back up". If you don't wish to speak to her via email several times a day, simply reply to one quoting your busyness and don't reply to any others. Certainly your email program isn't set to electric shock if you leave unanswered emails? BE CLEAR and DIRECT, which by no means I think you have to be cruel. It's not cruel but a statement of fact to say something like: "Hi ________. I'm at work right now and busy doing _______. So sorry, I can't reply to your emails today (unless it is a work issue)."

    The same message almost verbatim applies to her appearing at your desk and asking about what you are doing/how you are feeling. ("Hi ________. I'm okay, but a little preoccupied with this [thing]. So sorry I can't talk right now.") No offense, but rewarding her showing up by fake-listening actually hinders your cause by training her to show up at your desk (besides being a little crappy by not actually listening which doesn't help her get social contact).

    I think you'll find that if you clearly tell her to back off during work hours, you'll stop being frustrated, and will therefore actually feel more sympathetic- maybe enough for you to volunteer to talk to her during your break, etc.

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